I first met Love and Hip Hop Miami's breakout star, Amara La Negra at the NAACP Image awards. Instantly, I thought she defined the phrase "Black Girl Magic." Draped in a stunning Arabic-inspired silver couture gown by Usuma Ishtay, Amara caught the press by surprise when she stepped onto the red carpet with her signature crown of natural hair. She was unapologetic, articulate, and proud. I saw so much of myself in her.
Both of us melanin-rich girls were rocking bold afros and we somehow stood out amongst the majority of people who opted for a more traditional Hollywood glamour look. After discussing English as our second language (I'm Zambian, she's Dominican) and the difference between ethnicity and race, we forged an instant connection.
It was a connection we would vibe off again some time later, this time over the phone as I conducted our interview for xoNecole. There, we talked her keys to success, the importance of self-love, and how she plans to use her platform to be a voice and a beacon to the reality of colorism.
"I am a proud Latina with African roots. I'm Black. I'm an Afro-Latina, I have dark skin, I have curves. I like the pattern of my natural hair and how it coils up. I love my complexion. It is beautiful! I am beautiful. I know there are people who may look at me and feel different but that's them."
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"I don't know their experiences and I can't buy into another person's perception of beauty that isn't true to how I feel or see beauty. When I look at myself and see little girls and women who look just like me, I see nothing but beauty!" Amara exclaimed proudly during our chat.
Amara La Negra is as eccentric as Celia Cruz, as vibrant as Selena, and perhaps even as ambitious as Evita Peron. Although she is just now getting mainstream recognition through the latest installment of the Love and Hip Hop franchise, in the Latin entertainment sector, Amara is a household name with an enormous following. She has been in the business since she was three, and has worked as a television host, dancer, actress, as well as in radio.
In her crossover success, she is taking the world by storm on a global level, having recently signed a multi-album record deal, as well as some acting gigs and a contract with top global booking agency UTA.
The glow up is real.
The Afro-Latina beauty also credits her mother for her motivation, citing her mother, Ana Maria Oleaga, as her biggest inspiration. Her motto, "Success belongs to those who never give up," has fueled Amara to continue her path of greatness no matter how hard the grind gets.
"We have to have a solid reason for what we do, a purpose. Everything I do, I do for my mother. My mother works in a kitchen and when I see her come home with burns on her arms and chest, I am motivated to keep going. She always acts like it doesn't hurt to stay strong for me so I don't feel bad. But I know how much she has sacrificed for me, so no matter what, I have to keep reaching for the stars and not get discouraged."
To Amara, "success is no accident" and that drive is arguably one of the reasons for the wins her career has been attributed with recently. "It is hard work and perseverance," she explained. "It's learning, studying, and most of all, being in love with what you are doing. You can't get around those things!"
Her hard work in investing in herself has paid off and paved the way for the bronze goddess who is absolutely in demand. From red carpets to shoots to bookings, Amara is truly shining in the light of her moment.
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It's a moment that she takes seriously with a platform that she does not take for granted.
Still, like anyone else, she has had her moments in which she could have very well been discouraged. The premiere episode of Love and Hip Hop Miamicaptured one of these moments. When Amara La Negra graced the screen on the highly buzzed-about Mona Scott-Young franchise, it was evident that a social seismic shift was occurring.
With her immaculate chocolate-dipped skin tone, obvious curves, and Pam Grier-esque Afro, the accomplished Caribbean and Spanish songstress was nothing close to the women we have become accustomed to seeing on reality television and, for her cast-mate and producer, Young Hollywood, her affinity and love of her culture, natural beauty, and hair was not acceptable. "You could be more Beyonce and less Macy Gray," he was quoted saying in the much talked-about episode.
Perhaps he thought Amara was supposed to feel shame about the characteristics that lent themselves to her physicality. Perhaps he thought she would shrink beneath the weight of his obvious disrespect, but instead Amara responded to Young Hollywood with a tsunami of reads with an intensity, and pride, and a knowingness of who she is. "I was very frustrated at that point and it wasn't the first time that I had encountered this issue with racism and colorism," Amara recalled of the moment in our interview.
In that scene, Amara was a sea of emotions, some suppressed since she was a young deep-hued Dominican child growing up in Miami. Instead of playing off Hollywood's obvious ignorance, Amara let it be known that his colorism would not be tolerated. Although anti-blackness towards people of darker skin is nothing new, it had rarely been challenged on such a platform. Amara seeks to be the change she wishes to see in the world.
"Colorism and xenophobia are very real. It's more addressed in America and it exists a lot in Latin culture but it's not talked about as much. It's in the shadows," Amara said. "I definitely feel like in America you have a lot of people who speak out against racism. There are entertainers, activists, and even people on social media that will stand up against discrimination. There are strong movements in America that aren't as visible in the Latin community. So I think sometimes a lot goes unchallenged and people don't speak up in the same manner as they do in the U.S."
"I think in Latin culture, they've become numb to it. That's the thing about why I am vocal about these things. There are so many young people and adults experiencing the same thing. Women and young girls come up to me at the airports and on the streets and they hug me and tell me I speak for them. It's bigger than me... it's really about shifting a cultural norm and mindset that really hurts and impacts a lot of people around the world."
Amara hopes that being a voice will one day decrease the disparities in representation among Latin women. "I feel honestly like God has given me the blessing to really bring to light a really important issue that has been in the shadows for a very long time not just for Afro-Latinas, but for African-Americans who have been dealing with it forever and Black people throughout the Diaspora. For me, it's about fairness, representation and creating a balance in entertainment that is reflected of our diverse population and various looks."
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"I know, especially in the Latina community, people have been taught to think a certain way about beauty and when you look on television, magazines, and the media and you don't see yourself being represented, you can question if you are beautiful or where you fit in and I'm here to show everybody that, yes, we are what beauty is too. People aren't always going to accept you. That can be in your work, in society, or in a relationship, but that means they don't deserve you. You have to move on and away from other people's thoughts and love yourself."
As we approach Valentine's Day with so many women getting caught up in feelings, Amara says this transcendant message of self-acceptance has to be applied in love too. "People always search for someone to love them but you have to be in love with yourself first and love yourself just as much as you would want someone else to love you. Self love is vital. It's embracing who you are and loving the person you see in the mirror with all your flaws. Self love is not letting anybody or anything make you change who you are. It's understanding that there is only one of you and you are special," she said.
"You alone are beautiful. You alone are art and that alone makes you beautiful. No one has to tell you that for it to be true. That's what self love is. For a very long time, I thought I needed other people's approval and another person's validation, but when I learned to love all of me, I let that go. If ever you want to change, do it because you want to not because someone made you feel like you had to."
Amara, in all her undeniable beauty, her sparkling talent, and her unapologetic nature is a queen in her own right, but with all her knowledge of self love and the relationship with self, we had to ask her what her relationship status was like. Briefly, she broached the topic of loving people who don't love you back, a common occurance among women. The message is still clear, love people who deserve you.
"Aye girl, l I've been there before, shoot. And it's painful. I've fallen in love hard with people who haven't loved me in the same way that I loved them and wouldn't give me the same energy I was giving to them but again when I began to understand self-love, I realized that not everyone deserves you. Not everyone deserves your energy and not everyone deserves the love you give."
She continued, "There may be instances where you may feel potential and you may think that you have the power to maybe bring that love out of someone but if someone doesn't love you...come on, you don't deserve to put yourself through that. More importantly, If someone puts you down ladies, please don't stick around and try to fix them. That's God's job, not yours. Don't waste your time. There's like 7.1 billion people in the world. If one person doesn't love you, keep it moving."
Outside of her activism and television, Amara is adding to her coins by working on her clothing line, touring, and her album of course. As she lays vocals to another track, she stops and shares a final message saying that it's important that every woman does what they love.
"From the time I was a young girl, I've known that everything that is happening is exactly what I wanted to do. I feel blessed. Music is everything to me. It's freedom. I think every woman knows what she wants to do in her life and I say to each of you, you must trust your instinct. You must pay attention to your energy and make choices based on energy. The process is not easy but if you stay true to yourself and put in the work, you will succeed."
Keep up with Amara La Negra @amaralanegraaln.
Featured image by Mike Pont/Getty Images
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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