While I knew in the back of my mind that the classic—not just "Black classic" either—movie Love & Basketballwas celebrating its (can you believe it?!) 20th anniversary this year, I do want to extend a personal apology to the film's writer and director, the totally bomb creator Gina Prince-Bythewood. The actual release date crept up on me (it was April 16). Still, the movie continues to be "sentimentally significant" enough that the xoTeam still wanted to make sure that it got some love from us before the month ends.
The nostalgia of the film alone served as my motivation to want to pen this, but what really made me want to get it out even more was due to the article, "Black Women's Stories Are the Hardest to Get Made: The Gina Prince-Bythewood Interview". In it, Gina talks about how Spike Lee's 40 Acres and a Mule Films produced the movie, how it was Sanaa Lathan's first leading role (I also think it's cool that Regina Hall played the big sister Lena, and she and Sanaa ended up acting together later in The Best Man). With a $15 million budget, Love & Basketball went on to make $27 million at the box office. To this day, it continues to prove that there is a real market for Black filmmakers who tell everyday Black stories that are relevant and oh so very necessary to—everyone.
Personally, I don't think I know one Black person who hasn't seen Love & Basketball at least 10 times at this point. But in honor of a movie that continues to make an impact, for so many reasons and on so many levels, even now, let's review 20 things about why this movie is always going to be worth checking out…a few more times (and then a few times after that).
FIRST QUARTER
1. How cute were Kyla Pratt and Glenndon Chatman as Little Monica Wright and Little Quincy McCall, y'all? To put time into perspective, Kyla and Glenndon are both now 33. If that doesn't make you sit and think about how fast time flies by, I don't know what will.
2. I dig how thorough Gina was in her writing, right down to finding a "role" for Sanaa's real-life face scar. Although in the movie, the explanation is that it came from Monica showing Quincy her skills on the basketball court, Sanaa said that she actually got the scar from something that went down between her, an oven and some Play-Doh when she was a kid.
3. To this day, Debbie Morgan (who played Quincy's mom, Nona) is still one of the prettiest women to me. And Alfre Woodard (who played Monica's mom, Camille) is definitely one of the best actors of our time. I thought it was dope how they were both Black active mothers who, in many ways, couldn't be more different. I also liked how a commonality that they had is they were both relatively affluent. Black people are multi-layered. Gina has a way of depicting that well.
4. Dennis Haysbert as Zeke McCall. He was a jerk, but with that height, skin tone and voice? He was a sexy jerk. He also loved his son. Many Black men do.
5. It's hard to miss how…combative Monica and Quincy were, even as children.
I don't know about y'all but, to me, I didn't pick up that it was because of that toxic mindset of "Boys hit you because they like you." If anything, I think that "young conflict" happens when big-people-feelings come along before someone is wise or mature enough to have them (which could be quite the argument for why young people shouldn't even focus on having a boyfriend or a girlfriend; just learning more about themselves).
It's interesting, the kind of "roles" that Quincy thought should be played out in relationships at such a young age, like Monica needing to ride on the back of his bike. Hmph. It's also interesting how his stubborn perspective on what a girlfriend "should do" ended up playing out later (more on that in a bit).
SECOND QUARTER
1. Monica and her mother have a complicated relationship. I get that Monica's mom has walls up because she feels like Monica doesn't respect her (remember when Monica said, "Why? Because I'd rather wear a jersey than an apron?"). Still, a part of me also wonders if Monica's mom is mad jealous because Monica takes risks and because she puts herself first. I also wonder if Monica's mom might feel like she has to compete a bit when it comes to the bond that Monica has with her dad. Families are complicated, y'all.
2. Gabrielle Union's character Shawnee and her fast butt. Hmph. Out here talking about licking sweat off of ninja's asses (in high school) and throwing jabs at Monica every chance she got. Every time I watch the movie, I think back to a girl I grew up with who acted just like Shawnee. They both were mean girls from the pits of hell (Gabrielle actually addressed that she knew that she used to be a meanie herself. You can read more about that here). If there is anyone who I wonder about in regards to what the heck she is doing with her life, 20 years from now, it's Shawnee. I mean, remember, she was the chick who, as Monica put it, while riding with Quincy after a game, "[Shawnee's] sending her coochie through the mail." (That continues to be one of the more memorable lines to me.) We've got OnlyFans now. I'm just sayin'.
3. As Monica and Quincy continued to grow and their relationship continued to evolve, I adore how they had a way of challenging and comforting each other.
Quincy would call Monica out on her stank attitude on the court (and sometimes off of it, if we're gonna be real) while Monica literally provided him with a place to lay his head when he couldn't sleep due to his parents' incessant late night arguments. A solid foundation was being laid, perhaps without them even knowing it, very early on.
4. The dance. Let me back up—the music and the dance...and what followed later that evening. "Making Love in the Rain" (Herb Alpert, Lisa Keith, Janet Jackson) played while Monica was getting ready for the dance. RIP to Johnny Kemp who had his song, "Just Got Paid" featured at the dance itself, along with the Zapp & Roger (also RIP Roger and Larry Troutman) slow jam classic, "I Wanna Be Your Man". Geeze so much happened up in that dance. Boris Kodjoe's character was Monica's date (do Boris or Sanaa ever age? I recently watched Boris in TLC's "Red Light Special" music video and asked myself that). Shawnee got some more shots in (like talking about Monica's "Nike dress"). Monica reminded Quincy that her date to the dance wasn't her basketball Spalding. But, by far, my favorite part was the GIF you're looking at. Sometimes eyes say more than words ever do.
5. And that eye contact ultimately led Monica giving her virginity to Quincy (did she always keep her bedroom door locked or what? Quincy sure was in that room a lot) with the help of another jam, "This Woman's Work" by Maxwell. If anyone recalls the first time when they had sex (especially if it was with your first love), you can vouch for that being a pretty realistic scene too (shout-out to Quincy using a condom). I'll leave that right there.
THIRD QUARTER
1. All these women hatin' on our girl Monica. Next up—Sidra's (one of Monica's teammates, played by Erika Ringor) hatin' tail. The thing that I really liked about Monica's college years is she was really figuring out her own voice and desires on another level. The thing that was difficult-yet-necessary to watch was Quincy realizing that parents are just people and his father was a man, not a god. Gina also did a wonderful job of revealing how men emotionally suffer; how it can have a domino effect on so many areas of their life when it's not properly addressed.
2. I'm pretty sure that another super memorable scene for a lot of us is when Monica and Quincy played strip basketball in his dorm room (with Guy's song, "I Like" playing). A part of the reason why I smile whenever I see this, I think about how fine Omar Epps was during that era; anyone who went to college with me knows that we had a guy on the yard who looked a lot like Quincy. A LOT (whew!). Anyway, did anyone peep the foreshadowing in the movie when, after the game, Monica said, "I won" and Quincy immediately said, "I wanted you to"? We'll pick back up on that in the fourth quarter.
3. I'm not sure how many think pieces have been done on how Quincy was emotionally stunted in some ways. When he and Monica were kids, he had semi-chauvinistic ideas of what girls should and should do and, in college, not much had changed. Remember how passive-aggressive-aggressive he was when he wanted Monica to stay out past her curfew once he found out his father cheated and lied (and lied and cheated)? Or how he had the nerve to invite her to go to Burger King with him and Monica Calhoun's character but then, later that night, had the balls to say to Monica, "If basketball is all you care about, why you bonin' me? Why don't you bone Dick Vitale?"
Y'all, toxic masculinity is not masculinity itself. Men are not created to think or act like women. Toxic masculinity is when a man doesn't understand his purpose as a man, a woman's purpose as a woman and how those differences are designed to balance one another. Quincy, in this "quarter", in many ways, was toxic..because he was in unresolved pain.
4. In fact, one more example of Quincy's toxicity was skipping out on Monica's game, showing up at an afterparty (drunk) and then trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting to have sex with him. Interesting how he struggled with celebrating her if he wasn't "the man", huh? Pretty sure he learned that from his home life. (Hmm.)
5. This leads me to another point. Remember how, when Quincy went to talk to his mom about his dad and Nona showed him those pictures that she got from a private detective of his dad with another woman. As someone who is a child of divorce who also got TMI from ALL of my parents, if you're a mom or dad who's reading this, that's NEVER a good idea. Children, as they are old enough to handle it, should know the truth, but not if it's being used as a weapon. You have no idea how that can scar us—well into our adult years.
FOURTH QUARTER
1. A wise person once said, "Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve." Call me petty if you want, but I did enjoy how life came full circle for Monica and Sidra when Monica beat Sidra in that championship game in Spain. I also like that they were able to come to some real peace. I think that prepared Monica for some other "healing moments" that came up in the final quarter of the movie.
2. Who didn't see a mile away that Tyra Banks' character, Kyra was the absolute worst match for Quincy (remember when she went out of her way to hold her ring finger out at the hospital or how she "we'd" Monica as Monica was leaving?). Ugh. Sometimes it's the wrong one who shows you who the right one truly is. I read between the lines when Quincy told Monica that he called her when she won All-American and when Magic Johnson retired.
Time and distance don't change love. People do.
3. All things work together. For me, a hard scene to watch was between Monica and her mom. Oh, but how necessary was that? I personally think that a lot of Monica's uber-defensiveness was because she and her mother were always on eggshells with one another. Before Monica and Quincy could have a real conversation, she needed to with Camille first (although when Camille said she had to "put her dreams on hold" to have her kids, I do wonder how Monica processed that). It's a reminder that a lot of us could stand to heal from our childhoods before trying to build a lasting relationship with someone else.
4. Case in point. Remember when Camille said to Monica, "You know Monica, something that always drove me crazy about you, and I have to admit, it made me jealous, but I always admired was the fight in you…remember when I said Quincy could do better? I was talking about you." Because Monica and her mom had started the process of forgiving each other and some walls were able to come down, Monica could really hear her mom and that, I believe, played a significant role in her "heart game" with Quincy.
5. And then there's the final scenes of Monica and Quincy; of Monica playing for Quincy's heart and—here comes the result of the foreshadowing from the Second Quarter—Quincy wanting her to. There were some good one-liners in the last 15 minutes, wasn't there?
Monica: "I've loved you since I was 11 and it won't go away."
Monica: "I'll play you [for your] heart."
Quincy (after Monica loses): "Double or nothin'."
After it's clear that Quincy indeed did know that he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life by marrying someone else, my favorite scene is at the very end of the film, when he and Monica's daughter watched Monica play at her basketball game. Love & Basketball, indeed.
The best stories are relatable ones. And, I believe that Love & Basketball will always be a fan favorite because it's not perfect. It's not a fairy tale. It is simply real and full of Black love. And that is to be both adored and commended. So yeah, I felt that it was only right to honor Gina and the movie by recapping 20 reasons why, 20 years later, her brainchild is still celebrated and appreciated. From the script, to the cast, to the soundtrack and everything in between, thanks Gina. The movie and you are still dope…20 years later.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Ready To Feel Old? 'Girlfriends' Turns 20 This Year. (Wow, Sis)
10 Reasons 'Love Jones' Still Does It For Black Love & The Culture
Darla And Ralph Angel Are Constant Reminders That True Love Heals
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Anchiy/Getty Images
New year, new dating style. Courtesy of a former sugar baby.
Being a sugar baby had its (obvious) perks, but the most significant ones didn’t center around the material benefits. To date, I have a bigger appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and applied them to my dating life.
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by PeopleImages/ Getty Images