Whenever someone tells me that, according to them, you get to a point in life where sex isn't "that big of a deal" or the topic becomes pretty redundant, pardon the word that I'm about to use but I can't seem to think of a better one at the moment — all I do is scoff. Listen, I've been writing about sex, on some level, ever since I've been a professional writer (well over 20 years now) and I continue to find out things that — again, pardon the pun considering today's topic — blow my mind. Today, we're gonna touch on something we all have — a genital sensory cortex.
I wouldn't be surprised if you've heard before that your biggest sex organ is your brain. Matter of fact, I've said that very thing on this platform on numerous occasions. Well, while there used to be a time when — surprise, surprise — women's brains weren't studied all that much when it comes to sexual stimulation and pleasure, we live in a new age and more and more data is coming out by the day. For instance, did you know that the part of your brain that reacts to your vagina (it's connected to the pelvic nerve), cervix and nipples being stimulated is different than the part of your brain that directly triggers (in the best way possible, of course), your clitoris (it's connected to the pudendal nerve)? The more you know. The more you freakin' know.
OK, but I'm getting a little ahead of myself here. Anyway, I've written articles on here like "Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels" and "What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?" that clearly support how much I think the mind is a terrible thing to waste when it comes to not incorporating mindfulness in order to experience some pretty incredible sex. Now I'm hoping that a technical term like "genital sensory cortex" won't cause you to yawn with boredom before I can break down the kind of doors that it can unlock for you inside that bedroom of yours.
Your Genital Sensory Cortex? What in the World Is That?
Let's jump right into it, shall we? We all have something called our sensory cortex (also known as the somatosensory cortex). Basically, it is a strip of brain tissue that's located in the same place that our headphones would go (but on our brain, of course), right in the middle of both brain hemispheres. All throughout it, there are a variety of neurons that are connected to different parts of our body. Interestingly enough, the size of each body part corresponds to how much sensory information our brain is able to process. The fascinating thing about this is, thanks to this part of the brain, we are able to respond to feelings of pleasure and pain; ones that derive directly from touch. This means that when we touch our body or our body is touched, our nerves are able to send signals to our brain and ultimately to our sensory cortex.
And just what does this have to do with making sex better? Well, here's the thing. Although many of us already know that our clitoris (whose stimuli is located on the same part of our brain as it is for a man as it relates to his penis; it's called the homunculus) only has a sexual purpose, contains 8,000 nerve ends (double what men have in their penis) and that stimulating it is the easiest way that most of us are able to climax, now we've got greater insight into how to have other kinds of orgasms. Take vaginal ones. You've probably heard that 70 percent of women struggle with experiencing those. So, how are the other 30 percent able to pull it off? A part of it has to do with clitoris/vaginal placement. What I mean by that is, the closer a woman's clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for both areas to be stimulated during intercourse which ultimately results in a vaginal orgasm. OK, but here's the deal about all of this.
What science is discovering is the more that our brain gets involved in sexual activity, the greater the chance we have of having all kinds of orgasms — nipple orgasms, vaginal orgasms…you name it. In other words, an orgasm isn't just a physical reaction that comes from sexual stimuli. The more our brain gets into the action, the better sex is.
Case in point. I recently read about a study where some people merely imagined being sexually stimulated with a sex toy vs. actually experiencing that kind of stimuli. What the researchers discovered (via some fMRI brain scans) was, the sensory cortex part of the brain that lights up when physical stimulation happens, it responds the same way to thought alone. In other words, the genital sensory cortex of the brain reacted the same way to "thought" as it did to "action".
If you really let all of this sink in, now it makes better sense why erotica works for some of us, sexual sounds (even without touch) work for some of us and imagining sex with someone can also get us pretty aroused. Our brain gets sexually stimulated by thought alone. So, when thought and touch are combined — BOOM.
So, what is the genital sensory cortex? It's simply the parts of your brain that directly connect to sexual stimulation. If you connect all of these dots, the takeaway is, if there is just as much effort put into "getting the mind right" as it is in getting your body off, you can end up having orgasms in places and on levels that you never really have before.
5 Ways to Significantly Increase Your Chances of Getting Off, Thanks to Your Genital Sensory Cortex
1. RELAX
If the main thing that is sticking out in your mind is, "Damn. This sure requires a helluva lot of thinking," I hear you. Yes, you do need to be super intentional about your thought process and yes, that can initially seem like a bit of a buzzkill when it comes to sex. And yes, I get that by my saying that you should relax, on top of all of this, might seem a bit absurd. Just remember that these thoughts are the fun kind — the "dirty" kind. And if what you're thinking about makes you feel good, it won't be hard to have a feeling of zen. The main point here is don't kill yourself trying to think about pleasurable moments. If you follow these other tips, relaxing won't be very hard to do anyway.
2. Think About the Last Time You Had Some Really Amazing Sex (with Your Partner)
Here's something that you can (and should) try alone. Get quiet and comfortable and think about the last time you and your partner had some great sex together. As the thoughts get more intense, do some deep breathing and focus on creating vivid memories in your mind. If you notice your nipples hardening or your vagina getting wetter, even without much touch on your part, that is a pretty good sign that your genital sensory cortex has been activated. Now you can move more confidently into the next step.
3. Share Your Most Intimate Fantasy with Him
Instead of immediately sharing with your partner all of this scientific stuff, talk to him about a really intimate fantasy that you've always wanted to experience. If you explain it all in as much detail as you can, I can almost guarantee that it's going to arouse him (which means that his genital sensory cortex has been "triggered" too). As you find yourself getting more excited, it's time for point #3.
4. Allow Him to Touch Areas Where You Want to Cum but Haven’t. Literally Think it Through.
Here's the real clincher. Usually, when we find ourselves getting aroused, we gravitate to the parts of our body that will get us to "the mountaintop" as quickly as possible. This time, though, I want you to aim for a part of your body that either doesn't get enough sexual attention or you have yet to receive an orgasm from. If a vaginal orgasm is your goal, have him go with your vaginal region — no clitoris, just vagina. While your partner is gently touching you around and/or inside of your vagina opening, again, deep breathe and think about nothing else other than how his touches are making you feel. No matter how much you may want him to stimulate your clitoris, reject the notion. Focusing on your vagina only and how much pleasure you want to receive can very well increase the chances of your vagina becoming super aroused, making it more possible than ever to have a vaginal orgasm.
5. Try a Bit of Mental “Edging”.
Final point. When it comes to "tripping off" your genital sensory cortex, something else that I read about was the importance of focusing on the pattern of thought then touch, thought then touch. What immediately comes to my mind is it's all like a form of mental edging. For instance, think about your partner caressing your neck, then ask him to do it, only for a few seconds, before you go back to only thinking about it again. We all know how human nature is — the less we get something, the more we desire it. If you and your partner both go through this pattern for 10 minutes or so, you very well could end up climaxing, a few times, without intercourse ever taking place. All thanks to learning how to tap into your genital sensory cortex. You're welcome. #wink
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert