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The Real Reason You Can't Seem To Let Your Frenemy Go
I've been writing, pretty consistently, for xoNecole for about a year now. And if there's one thing that I know is you, our readers, really appreciate, it's sex and friendship content (which I think is really dope, by the way). My theory is it's because those are two topics, especially within the Black female community, that don't get explored, from various angles, nearly as much as we'd like for them to. Because of that, some of us remain curious, confused, stagnant or dissatisfied, in those two lanes, far longer than we should.
Take the topic of frenemies, for instance. As much as I can, I like to give credit where credit is due, and I think that term came from—or has at least became super popular because of—an episode of Sex & the City. If you've never seen it or want a quick refresher course, a frenemy is someone who is part friend/part enemy (although it's usually more like a 60/40 split, in the enemy's favor). You have enough in common with the frenemy to keep them around, but they also irritate you to the point where you're not sure if your connection is enough to keep them in your world anymore. They're basically like an unhealthy relationship with a guy where, maybe the sex is good, but there isn't much more to keep him in your life beyond than that. Still, you stay—even though, deep down, you know that you shouldn't.
If you just read all of that and was like, "Right!" let this be the moment when you decide to make some changes, as far as your own frenemy (or frenemies) is concerned. Life is too short and too precious for you to be involved with folks who are only kinda-sorta your friend; especially if you can clearly pinpoint some things about them that can also classify them as being an enemy.
Keeping all of this in mind, just why do so many of us keep frenemies around? Personally, I think it's because we don't do enough pondering over the following five points.
FRENEMY POINT #1: There’s a Difference Between Liking Someone and Being Used to Them
If any of y'all caught "What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?" I'm sure you can totally relate to this particular point. I can't tell you how many friendships—or "friendships"—that I remained in, way past their expiration date, and it was all because I confused actually liking someone for simply being used to them being around me. Shoot, there's absolutely no tellin' how many captives could be freed if they took the time to ask themselves, "Is this person good for me? Or are they just a habit?"
There's one person, in particular, who I released last year, mostly because I found myself complaining about them to other people more and more. One day, it got to the point where I was tired of hearing my own self go on and on about how I felt taken for granted and doing most of the work. Then I realized that the only real reason why I was keeping them in my life is because they had been around for so long. When I couldn't really find one redeeming quality beyond that, I knew it was time for a major shift.
Frenemies are interesting because, more times than not, they are fully aware of the fact that they aren't being a good friend to you. But, like a wack-ass boyfriend, they figure that since you are willing to settle, they're not going to change anything; especially since they typically are still benefiting from having you in their own life (I know, right)? So yeah, if you sense that you've got a frenemy, the first thing I think you should do is ask yourself what, if anything, you still like about them. If all you hear is Jeopardy music playing in your head, follow that question up with, "Or is it that I'm just used to them?" The clarity you get just might surprise you.
FRENEMY POINT #2: Have You Considered That You’re Possibly Drawn to Drama?
Even if the frenemy isn't a drama queen or king (which, they probably are to some extent), when a relationship consists of a part-friend/part-enemy dynamic, there is usually some drama somewhere around. Think about it. Frenemies typically push triggers or are master gas lighters. Frenemies often display low-key (or not-so-low-key) signs of envy. Frenemies tend to take more than they give. Frenemies are wishy-washy AF. Frenemies are good for being passive aggressive, including when it comes to giving backhanded compliments or saying slick stuff that causes you to doubt yourself. Frenemies like to throw shade—both in and out of your presence. And, even if they are a lot of fun, you can never feel totally safe around frenemies.
Once I started to remove frenemies from my space, I found myself focusing more on why I stayed than why they acted the way that they did. I had to own that some of it was because I was more codependent than I realized. Another part of the issue is that I was my own freakin' frenemy.
Meaning, since I didn't love myself well, I attracted people into my space who basically mirrored my own self-perception. The warring within caused so much turmoil that the drama they brought into my life was pretty much par for the course. But baby, once I started to make peace with myself and began to set some real boundaries, the less I wanted anything that even closely resembled drama or instability around.
If you've got frenemies in your life, ask yourself if you have some sort of odd affinity for drama—if you seem to take some odd sense of pleasure in partaking in a real-life reality show that you're actually a producer of. I'm telling you—the more you like harmony, the less you'll want to deal with confusion, upsets and upheaval, the easier it will be to let all frenemies go.
FRENEMY POINT #3: Like It or Not, There Is Some Sort of Payoff in the So-Called Friendship
I've shared what I am about to say, many times, before. That's because it's one of the best things that I've ever heard Dr. Phil say. One time, while interviewing a prostitute who was going on and on about how much she hated her life, he looked at her with some major side-eye and said (a bit paraphrased), "C'mon. If you really wanted to quit, you'd quit. No matter how dysfunctional something is, we wouldn't stay in it if there wasn't some sort of payoff attached to it."
Some of y'all might automatically want to give pushback on his point, but just think about it. Some of us stay in unhealthy relationships because the sex is good. Some of us remain at a job where our boss treats us like total crap because we don't wanna lose that nice paycheck. And yes, some of us stay in connection with our frenemies because we see some "benefits" to keeping them in our lives. Maybe we've got a lot in common with them. Perhaps they make us feel needed (and we like feeling that way). The possibilities are endless. Here's the thing, though. No person is perfect and every relationship comes with its challenges. But if you want to be in something that is truly beneficial for you, the "pros" must definitely need to outweigh the "cons".
When it comes to your frenemy, is the so-called good that they bring to your life so good that it makes sense to keep tolerating the bad? If you can't honestly say so…it really is time to let them go.
FRENEMY POINT #4: Could It Be That You Don’t Have Enough Healthy Friends?
If you like to check out independent Black films, one that depicts a frenemy extremely well isLove Trap. The chick Angel that's in it? Whew. Evil. Still, she would come at her childhood friend like she only had the best of intentions. I believe there is a scene in the movie where Michelle addresses the fact that a part of what made her put up with all of Angel's hater-rade is the fact that she had been in her life for so long. But since Michelle also shared some of the issues that caused her to struggle with vulnerability and trusting new people, I think that she never really had enough healthy friends to realize just how toxic Angel really and truly was.
If you just read that and found yourself triggered, please make the time to read "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships". Then think long and hard about if your frenemy even checks off half of the things on the list. Also ask yourself if you've currently got people in your life who do. One of the tricky things about a frenemy is they don't totally suck; there are usually a few things that make them cool enough to keep around. But I promise you, the moment that I got some truly healthy friendships into my life, I realized that there was nothing that my frenemies were bringing to the table that my true friends couldn't.
FRENEMY POINT #5: Ask Yourself this—“What’s Your Line?”
Whenever I'm talking to someone about a situation that they're in where they are unhappy, I try and avoid going down the rabbit hole of what I would do. Instead, I simply ask them one question—what's your line? What I mean by that is "What's your boundary that, if that person crosses it, you're done?"
Truth is, a lot of us remain in all sorts of situations that we shouldn't, not because we want to, but because we've never thought about what our breaking point is (or should be). The reason why you should is because healthy relationships consist of mutual respect. So, once you share your "line" and your frenemy intentionally crosses it, they are basically conveying to you that they don't esteem your boundaries, needs or feelings. And once someone expresses that—sorry. They've basically teetered off of the friend mark and over onto the enemy side.
Releasing someone you care about can be difficult. Trust me, I know. But here's what you need to never forget—you need to be your own friend, even if it's at the expense of losing a frenemy. It might take a little time, but you'll both be OK without each other. You can free up some space for real friends and they can move on to being wishy-washy towards someone else. And chile, they most definitely will.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
Pettiness, Moodiness & Other "Friendship Irritants" To Work Through
10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins
Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?
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Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
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8 Semi-Uncomfortable Things That MUST Be Discussed Before Marriage
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. It’s a saying that virtually all of us have heard before, and yet, isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to things like marriage, far too many people are reactive instead of proactive? Take premarital counseling, for example. If folks are doing it at all (and not nearly enough are, trust me), they tend to wait until after they have gotten engaged and even set a date.
Yeah, I’m not a fan of that because, once you’ve already “locked in” on that level, going to see a marriage counselor or life coach is pretty much only seen as a mere formality. In other words, you’re not really looking to dive deep to see if there are some potential red, orange, or even yellow flags — you’re just going to a couple of sessions because it sounds like the right thing to do.
And because of that mindset, far too many people go into marriage totally blindsided and/or thinking that they can deal with things later and/or believing that love (which usually is some emotional version, not the biblical one — I Corinthians 13) will conquer all — and because of that, divorce court ends up becoming their reality. If not semi-immediately…eventually.
That’s why I write articles like this. Wisdom says that if you want to get into something as serious as marriage and you’re going to look someone in their eyes and vow to be with them for the rest of your lives, you both should know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourselves into…beforehand.
The following eight questions can help to lead the way when it comes to this…
1. Childhood Issues
A few nights ago, I found myself getting caught up in a movie on HBO Max calledOn Chesil Beach. It drags, so I’m not (necessarily) recommending it. However, it does help to drive home this first point that I’m trying to make because it’s all about the purely excruciating wedding “night” of a couple who waited to (attempt to) consummate their marriage. Although for a lot of it, the wife was pretty annoying, you do get glimpses of her childhood that help to shed light on all of her excuses and hesitancy (and there was A LOT of both).
If you do happen to want to watch the film, I won’t give all of what happens away. What I will say is that one of the main reasons why going to premarital counseling is so important is you and your bae should talk about childhood issues.
Listen, as one of my favorite quotes says, “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” Meaning, a lot of times, marriages struggle because it’s not two healed adults who are in the relationship; it’s more like two wounded (on some level, at least) kids who are trying to make a valiant attempt at an adult dynamic.
I know many people who grew up in hella dysfunctional homes who simply said, “I will never be like my parents when I grow up,” only to turn around and be just like them. How did that happen? It’s because of something that I tell a lot of my clients: we tend to do what’s familiar, not what’s right. The main way to prevent that from happening is by being open and honest about where we come from, how it all affected/infected/impacted us, and then getting help, if needed, before jumping the broom.
2. Greatest Heartbreak
Although I’m not sure that there is solid data on what I’m about to say, I stand ten toes down on the fact that I don’t think that men look to “fall in love” multiple times. If anything, they have a first love, their wife, and possibly someone in between. Why? Because contrary to what social media likes to cram down our throats about men, many men when they fall, they fall very hard and are all in. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many guys have told me how much of an influence their first love has had on them — even to this day. And when something monumental happens, it can totally change you (check out “Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You”).
That’s why I also think it’s a good idea for you and your man to discuss what your greatest heartbreak was like — past (how it affected you) and present (how you feel about the experience now). It can shed great light into how you see relationships and love and why you make some of the decisions that you now do. It can also help you both to express if there are still some unresolved issues that are dormant there because I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve had who, when things got rocky in their marriage, the very first place they went to was Facebook or Instagram to see what their “long lost love” has been up to.
A writer by the name of Jodi Picoult once said, “Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall.” Both of you discussing how this saying relates to this particular topic can, as I put it, “cover up mouseholes.” What I mean by that is, by getting it all out in the open, your partner will be able to know your wounds and weaknesses in that area and offer up some support and even protection — in ways you, he, or both may not have known was needed…until the topic was actually brought up.
3. Financial Habits
You know, I find it very interesting how the Good Book says that the LOVE of money is the root of all evil (I Timothy 6:10), and yet, pretty much any time I tiptoe out to see what social media is yapping — sorry, I mean talking — about, “broke” comes up incessantly. Listen, should you want to be with someone who is financially savvy and stable? 1000 percent. Should you also be the kind of person who you want to be with? 10,000 percent.
That said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in a premarital session and asked both people what their credit score was, only for them to look at me like I asked them to strip naked or something. LOL. Well, I guess, in a way, it’s the same thing because nothing reveals someone’s financial stuff like their credit score and what they’ve got in their savings account. Yet if you’re thinking that your soon-to-be spouse isn’t going to find all of that out anyway, you’re caught up in some sort of delusion that I’m not sure any therapist can get you out of.
Personally, I think that engaged couples should hire a financial advisor and get a financial mentor (preferably a married couple) to comb through both of their finances so that they can see each other’s current state, areas of strengths and weaknesses, and so they can come up with a financial plan for their first, third and fifth year of marriage.
You know, although actually the top reason for divorce these days has a lot to do witha lack of support (emotionally and otherwise),financial stuff is still up there. A part of the reason for that is that there’s no way around the fact that marriage is a business contract (among other things). If you’re signing up to do business with someone, you need to know what their finances look like. That’s common sense 101.
4. Character Weaknesses
Anyone who knows me knows that if someone tells me that they believe that they’ve met “the one,” while they are acting like that person is an angel on earth, the marriage life coach (and “Shellie”) in me is like, “Uh-huh. What are their character flaws, though?” It’s not to break their spirit or be a Debbie Downer or anything; it’s just that I have watched too many marriages crash and burn because they didn’t ask themselves questions like that before saying, “I do.”
For instance, one of my friends (who, yes, happens to be divorced now) told me that he had met who he believed was his soulmate; when I asked him about her potential character weaknesses, one of the things that he casually said was, “I mean, she has a bit of a jealousy streak but…” Umm, sir — you are handsome and an entertainer and you’re going to marry a jealous woman? Hacked emails and tons of drama later, he admits that he wished that he hadn’t underestimated that side of her personality.
Listen, no one is perfect — not by far. In fact, if you’re mature in your thinking, a part of what marriage is designed to do is give you the kind of accountability partner that will offer a safe space for you to address, refine, and improve some things about yourself.
However, in order for you and your partner to be able to do that, you need to know what those things are — and that needs to be discussed well before your wedding day, preferably in the presence of a reputable marriage therapist, counselor, or life coach who can help you to figure out what to do with the intel that the both of you are sharing.
5. Poor Boundaries
When you sign up to become someone’s spouse, your wedding day, in part, is about declaring to everyone that you want to make them the top priority in your life under God himself. And in order to keep anything from affecting that, you need to have some solid boundaries. Boundaries, at the end of the day, are nothing more than limits — and yes, you need to have limits as far as how much your family can know about your relationship, what your friends can and cannot speak on, and what kind of decisions y’all will make that, quite frankly, is no one else’s business…including the internet’s (because A LOT of people out here like to be passive aggressive about their relationship online).
Does it take a village to “raise a marriage?” In some ways, yes. However, when it comes to the vow-taking process, that is between a husband and his wife, and if they are religious, God. No one else made those promises and that means no one else should be as involved or invested as those two (or three) parties are.
Poor boundaries are the cause of so much drama in marriages and honestly, relationships, in general. You do not want to take the approach of, “We’ll figure out what limits we should have as problems present themselves.” Uh-uh. Talk about what your limits should look like ASAP, and make sure that you mutually agree on them too. This point alone can save your marriage more than just about anything else on here.
(P.S. A great book for you to check out isBoundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships. It’s by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.)
6. Perspectives on Daily Lifestyle
Something else that I’ve observed while working with married folks (and talking to older couples in Cracker Barrel; believe it or not, the marriage advice in there is top-notch!) is marriages tend to end, not so much because of one “big” thing that happened — it’s more like it’s due to the culmination of a lot of little ones.
Take how a person lives, for instance. I’ve dealt with couples where the wife was appalled by her husband not wiping the toilet seat, and the same husband was disgusted by her dishes being left in the sink overnight. A couple of weeks of this, and it’s whatever. Oh, but let it be some years? You’d be surprised.
It can actually be quite sobering to take a moment to ponder and process that, at least when you sign up for a traditional marriage, you’re signing up to share a home, bed, and life — for the rest of your life. If there are certain things that are super “icks” for you, if there are certain chores that you absolutely hate, if there are little pet peeves like sleeping with the television on or your partner being a morning person when you aren’t — you had better bring all of this stuff up now.
Many people have assumed that love will supersede peace when it comes to daily living. Chile, the reality is that you can love a lot of people who you just can’t live with. Please don’t find that out after taking vows and filling out paperwork. Discuss as much as possible about the day-to-day of how you both move, just as soon as you possibly can.
7. Patterns in Past Relationships
In interviews, some folks will ask me what I think about the whole “Does knowing someone’s body count really matter?” debate (check out “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed”). As it relates to this particular article, two things: one, check out TIME’s article, “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring,” when you get a chance. Secondly, let’s do it like this: if you were to find out that your boyfriend used to beat up on his girlfriends, but he hasn’t done it in a couple of years, would “That’s in the past” suffice as his rationale? BE HONEST.
No matter how nonchalant our culture chooses to be about sex, how we decide to move in that space is about more than recreation and experiencing orgasms. So yes, knowing about your past in this realm can shed light on your mindset, your perspective, and even some of your patterns — not just your sexual past, but your past, in general.
Anyone who wants to give pushback on that, I’ll just say this: it is human nature to brag about things that we’re proud of. When it comes to your sexual past, if you’re hiding or deflecting concerning it, why is that? And what would make you think that, eventually, the things that you are suppressing won’t somehow come out anyway? Real talk, a great sign that you’re over something or someone is when you can bring it or them up — not when you’re doing everything in your power to avoid it/them.
And when it comes to past relational patterns overall — have you always been the one to do most of the work? Do you tend to flee when things get too challenging? Do you ever stop to think about what you did wrong? Do you tend to handle things with ultimatums? Do you treat relationships as projects? Do you avoid things with sex? Do you not communicate your innermost feelings well?
A pattern is something that you do over and over, oftentimes very naturally. When it comes to the men of your past, what qualifies as a pattern for you? Getting married doesn’t miraculously make those patterns go away. Discussing them can help you to get to the root of those issues and if you need to break some of them on the front end.
8. Media Programming
A quote that I find myself saying often is by The Doors singer, Jim Morrison: “Whoever controls the media, controls the mind.” There is no way around the fact that media influences and impacts society on some pretty monumental levels (you can read more about thathere,here, andhere) — and so to think that what you take in when it comes to television programs that you view, movies that you watch, books that you read and social media accounts that you follow aren’t affecting you? That is some serious denial that you are in.
Case in point. I have a friend who also works in mental health. Whenever his wife is watching some trash reality television (and boy, is there A TON of it), he says that she is way more touchy to the point of almost being combative than when she isn’t. One time, he instituted a two-week fast from reality television. He said that the first week was rough for her, which caused her to realize that she was way more attached to the shows than she thought. The second week, she was calmer and far more peaceful (her words, not his). Did she totally give reality television up? I mean, we’re all a work in progress, right? LOL. She does watch it less, though, and their marriage is running smoother because of it.
As we close all of this out, definitely an underestimated influence in marriage is the media. Find out what your partner likes and why. See where the two of you are in sync, where you’re not, and what you think the compromises should be. Otherwise, you could end up with someone who is making judgment calls about your relationship based on what some random on TikTok said — you’d be amazed how many people do that. And it’s a damn shame that they do.
___
There’s a reason why this article has the title that it does. Getting real — and I mean, really real — about relationships isn’t always the most comfortable thing to do; however, it is beneficial.
And what, after (genuinely) addressing things like this, you find out that you’re not as compatible as you thought? Eh. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Either — again, with the help of a marriage expert — figure out how to compromise or, if you ultimately can’t find enough common ground…as I oftentimes say, It’s always better to break up before marriage than divorce after it.
Words to live by. Promise you that.
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