According to an old Italian proverb: perfect is the enemy of the good, and a diamond with a flaw is better than a pebble without. As a single woman in her mid-twenties, I contemplate the truth in those theories when it comes to my dating life.
In romance, I truly believe that a relationship shouldn't equal compromise, but that may very well be the reason that I am still a single woman in my twenties (with no prospects). I'm at a point where I wonder if checking off all of my ideological boxes on my romantic checklist are as important as having a man that cares about me. What if I stopped looking for Mr. Right and started getting comfortable with the idea of "Mr. Right-For-Now"? Sure, it's great that I have high standards but are my expectations keeping me from getting a man?
I'm reminded of the age-old question, should a woman settle for a man that doesn't meet her standards? Keri Hilson was confronted with the same question recently when she posted this caption on Instagram:
"Sure I'd like to be married someday—but not enough to do it with the wrong person. So if you EVA see 'Keri' walk down that aisle, even if I'm old & grey…you can rest assured—I didn't settle."
As kids, we're innocent enough to believe that one day, "the one" will sweep us off our feet and carry us off into the sunset. As adults, we understand that the one can easily turn into "the three" after a few unfortunate and failed attempts at finding love. Surely we'd all enjoy walking down the aisle with the man of our dreams, but are these projections in today's millennial-centric world unrealistic?
Keri says "nah", and she had a word for a commenter who suggested that her expectations for romance may be a little too high. She replied:
"To have a man compliment my life, who is equally yoked in the things that MATTER like loyalty, virtue, depth, compassion, and love & respect for God, someone who understands healthy relational boundaries & pushed me to be my best self while supporting each other's dreams? Someone who truly loves himself & has dissolved his own ego? Someone who has evolved from his lower self & constantly evolving? Someone who has learned his lessons & strives to be a great human being? Someone who holds my heart carefully & treats me well? Who values & honors love? Someone who is wide enough to lead me? Nah. And I don't think God puts anything our hearts that we are not capable of having."
Do I believe that the perfect man is going to ride in on his white horse and carry me off into the sunset? No. Do I think that I deserve a man who can meet my needs emotionally, sexually, spirtiually, and physically? Hell yes. And I'm not settling down until I find the man that can do exactly that.
Keri had a point when it comes to millennial dating. As women, we sometimes choose to suffer with a partner that's inadequate out of the sheer fear of ending up alone. Instead of settling down with a man that fits our standards, we settle for a man that is in violation of all of our non-negotiables.
And all because, "I love you."
When I discovered that self-love was more important than all the I love you's in the world, my life opened and my settling stopped. Self-love means not denying yourself everything you know you deserve, including the man of your dreams.
I don't believe in "Mr. Right", but what I have found is that the love you find in Mr. Right-For-Now will never be enough to sustain you.
Featured image by Prince Williams/WireImage
RELATED
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak