The first time you had sex, I'm sure it hurt. But you did it again, and again, and now it feels good. Our brains gravitate to what is most familiar, which is mostly pain. Over time, the hurt feels good and our brains encourage us to keep going back for more.
Three weeks ago, I decided to do a hardcore life purge. I made the decision to sell all my sh*t, let go everything that was familiar to me, and press the reset button on my reality. I've spent the better part of a year recovering from a tumultuous breakup that left my life in shambles. For months, I refused to move on.
Painful snapshots of our relationship are stuck in my head like I experienced them yesterday. Even after constantly reimagining the names he called me, which cut like a knife, or his hands around my neck during our last fight, I couldn't refrain from thinking, "But I love him."
The undying and unconditional compassion that I have for him is the only understanding that I have of love. I am self-destructively empathetic by nature and this characteristic has caused me to develop and seek out a definition of love that isn't true:
Love does not equal pain.
Kelis recently opened up about the emotional and physical abuse that she endured during her four-year marriage to Nas and her story was eerily familiar to my own. She and the rapper met when she was 22 and the two later married in 2005. This is the first and only time the singer has spoken out about her trauma and says that after nine years, she was ready to speak her truth.
"I have edited myself for nine years and I woke up this morning and was like, 'Not today.'"
In the interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Kelis was candid about the couple's avid substance abuse and and explosive arguments. She described in detail the physical and emotional trauma that they've managed to keep out of the public eye for all these years.
"We had like really intense highs and really intense lows. It was never normal. It's hard because there's no balance. There was no normalcy."
She said that an intense combination of fame and youth led them to serve equal roles in an increasingly toxic relationship. Kelis made the decision to exit the relationship when she was seven months pregnant and realized that she couldn't bring an innocent person into a life of chaos.
"It was really dark. There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse. I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant [with Knight] because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren't dating, we were married. Like, this was my person."
Many times we as lovers find ourselves in a similar situation, suffering in silence and trying to rationalize a f*cked up reality because "I love you." So often we as black women equate love to struggle and pain because that's the only example we've ever been given.
When the news broke about the domestic dispute between Chris Brown and Rihanna, Kelis says that she was fighting the same battle, but too embarrassed to talk about it publicly.
"I remember so clearly when the [Rihanna] pictures came out … 'cause I [also] had bruises all over my body at that time, I wasn't ready to walk [away]. I just wasn't. I'm not weak but I'm really private. I don't like people knowing my business. I felt like, 'This is my partner. I chose this. We're gonna do this, we're gonna make it work.'"
Kelis is an example of the fact that most times we cannot fix what was broken before we even got there. Be transparent enough to admit to yourself when your relationship is fruitless. An unproductive relationship is dead and will likely produce toxic results. If any of the following experiences seem familiar to you, it may be time to sew your seeds elsewhere.
Suffering in Silence
Kelis waited nine years to publicly confront the abuse she experienced. Many times we feel like our vulnerabilities make us weak, so we keep them private. We as black women are taught early that what happens at home, stays at home and this theory can sometimes be deadly. If you find yourself constantly making it a point to hide what you're going through from the ones you love, it's time to check in with yourself to make sure you're okay.
You Start Rationalizing Your Reality
He's only jealous because he loves me. We only fight because we're so passionate about each other. I can't really be upset with him, I did a lot of sh*t wrong too.
Domestic violence is never okay, no matter who did what first. If you find yourself making excuses for things that you know aren't right, it may be time to let it go.
The Bad Outweighs The Good
All relationships have highs and lows, but when you notice that the lows are more frequent than the good times, you should evaluate how much the relationship is really taking a toll on your emotional health.
Using External Means to Numb the Pain
We all like to free our minds from time to time, especially if we've had an especially hard day; but look out for signs that you or your partner may be using external substances to ease the pain. Kelis discussed how a lot of the turmoil between she and Nas took place while they were intoxicated, and I know the feeling. Drinking because we're fighting, and then fighting because we're drinking. Make sure you don't get caught up in the cycle before it's too late.
When asked if she believed that Nas was her soulmate, she said "yes."
"I did at the time. I believe in that now, but I don't know if that means it's right. Because it shouldn't hurt like that."
I also believe that my ex-boyfriend was my soulmate, but I understand that the love that we shared wasn't really love. It was pain wrapped up in good sex and a lot of weed smoke, but it felt damn good.
Our brains will always gravitate toward what's familiar: to me, that's pain, struggle, and unconditional forgiveness. As I pack my bags and throw out old birthday cards from my ex, my goal is to create a new paradigm and redefine what love means to me with the understanding that it doesn't have to hurt for it to be real.
Watch the full video below: (Starts at the 15-minute mark)
Featured image via Kelis/Instagram
- Kelis accuses ex Nas of physical abuse during marriage - CBS News ›
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- Kelis Details Abusive Relationship With Nas: "I Had Bruises All Over ... ›
- Kelis alleges domestic violence during marriage to Nas | The FADER ›
- Kelis says Nas beat her throughout their marriage ›
- Kelis Details Her Violent Relationship and Custody Battle with Nas ›
- Nas and Kelis Finally Settle Custody Dispute over Son ›
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images