
Love Does Not Equal Pain: Kelis Opens Up About Abusive Relationship With Nas

The first time you had sex, I'm sure it hurt. But you did it again, and again, and now it feels good. Our brains gravitate to what is most familiar, which is mostly pain. Over time, the hurt feels good and our brains encourage us to keep going back for more.
Three weeks ago, I decided to do a hardcore life purge. I made the decision to sell all my sh*t, let go everything that was familiar to me, and press the reset button on my reality. I've spent the better part of a year recovering from a tumultuous breakup that left my life in shambles. For months, I refused to move on.
Painful snapshots of our relationship are stuck in my head like I experienced them yesterday. Even after constantly reimagining the names he called me, which cut like a knife, or his hands around my neck during our last fight, I couldn't refrain from thinking, "But I love him."
The undying and unconditional compassion that I have for him is the only understanding that I have of love. I am self-destructively empathetic by nature and this characteristic has caused me to develop and seek out a definition of love that isn't true:
Love does not equal pain.
Kelis recently opened up about the emotional and physical abuse that she endured during her four-year marriage to Nas and her story was eerily familiar to my own. She and the rapper met when she was 22 and the two later married in 2005. This is the first and only time the singer has spoken out about her trauma and says that after nine years, she was ready to speak her truth.
"I have edited myself for nine years and I woke up this morning and was like, 'Not today.'"
In the interview with Hollywood Unlocked, Kelis was candid about the couple's avid substance abuse and and explosive arguments. She described in detail the physical and emotional trauma that they've managed to keep out of the public eye for all these years.
"We had like really intense highs and really intense lows. It was never normal. It's hard because there's no balance. There was no normalcy."
She said that an intense combination of fame and youth led them to serve equal roles in an increasingly toxic relationship. Kelis made the decision to exit the relationship when she was seven months pregnant and realized that she couldn't bring an innocent person into a life of chaos.
"It was really dark. There was a lot of drinking. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse. I probably would have stayed longer had I not been pregnant [with Knight] because I really did love him and because we were married. We weren't dating, we were married. Like, this was my person."
Many times we as lovers find ourselves in a similar situation, suffering in silence and trying to rationalize a f*cked up reality because "I love you." So often we as black women equate love to struggle and pain because that's the only example we've ever been given.
When the news broke about the domestic dispute between Chris Brown and Rihanna, Kelis says that she was fighting the same battle, but too embarrassed to talk about it publicly.
"I remember so clearly when the [Rihanna] pictures came out … 'cause I [also] had bruises all over my body at that time, I wasn't ready to walk [away]. I just wasn't. I'm not weak but I'm really private. I don't like people knowing my business. I felt like, 'This is my partner. I chose this. We're gonna do this, we're gonna make it work.'"
Kelis is an example of the fact that most times we cannot fix what was broken before we even got there. Be transparent enough to admit to yourself when your relationship is fruitless. An unproductive relationship is dead and will likely produce toxic results. If any of the following experiences seem familiar to you, it may be time to sew your seeds elsewhere.
Suffering in Silence
Kelis waited nine years to publicly confront the abuse she experienced. Many times we feel like our vulnerabilities make us weak, so we keep them private. We as black women are taught early that what happens at home, stays at home and this theory can sometimes be deadly. If you find yourself constantly making it a point to hide what you're going through from the ones you love, it's time to check in with yourself to make sure you're okay.
You Start Rationalizing Your Reality
He's only jealous because he loves me. We only fight because we're so passionate about each other. I can't really be upset with him, I did a lot of sh*t wrong too.
Domestic violence is never okay, no matter who did what first. If you find yourself making excuses for things that you know aren't right, it may be time to let it go.
The Bad Outweighs The Good
All relationships have highs and lows, but when you notice that the lows are more frequent than the good times, you should evaluate how much the relationship is really taking a toll on your emotional health.
Using External Means to Numb the Pain
We all like to free our minds from time to time, especially if we've had an especially hard day; but look out for signs that you or your partner may be using external substances to ease the pain. Kelis discussed how a lot of the turmoil between she and Nas took place while they were intoxicated, and I know the feeling. Drinking because we're fighting, and then fighting because we're drinking. Make sure you don't get caught up in the cycle before it's too late.
When asked if she believed that Nas was her soulmate, she said "yes."
"I did at the time. I believe in that now, but I don't know if that means it's right. Because it shouldn't hurt like that."
I also believe that my ex-boyfriend was my soulmate, but I understand that the love that we shared wasn't really love. It was pain wrapped up in good sex and a lot of weed smoke, but it felt damn good.
Our brains will always gravitate toward what's familiar: to me, that's pain, struggle, and unconditional forgiveness. As I pack my bags and throw out old birthday cards from my ex, my goal is to create a new paradigm and redefine what love means to me with the understanding that it doesn't have to hurt for it to be real.
Watch the full video below: (Starts at the 15-minute mark)
Featured image via Kelis/Instagram
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Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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How Power Women Protect Their Finances With Smart Money Boundaries
No matter what it is, setting boundaries can be challenging, especially when those boundaries involve money. But if you want to sustain success and financial freedom, boundaries are important, both with yourself and with others.
Many wealthy successful women have mastered setting boundaries and prioritizing accountability so that they can ensure they remain that way. Let's face it: If you want a certain quality of life and you work hard to achieve that, you don't want to risk it by taking on habits that jeopardize your financial stability.
Be inspired to not only set money boundaries but keep them by taking heed to the common financial boundaries power women of today establish:
1. They pay themselves first.
Building consistent savings habits is important to wealth-building no matter how much you earn, and the practice is often one that continues even after you're well-booked and well-paid. Actress, producer, and philanthropist Queen Latifah has always been a proponent of this after learning from her mom to "save your money."
This is the epitome of the energy behind paying yourself first. You squirrel something away and take care of yourself by taking care of your future first, before paying any bills. You invest in yourself (within your means and with a budget in mind, of course).
2. They don't loan money without clear repayment rules and expectations are agreed upon.
It's awesome to be able to help people out by loaning them money, but when you don't communicate clearly about repayment (or what will happen if the money is not repaid) you set yourself up for a cycle of taking on other's debts and maybe even building more debt of your own.
Unless you're doing charity, set those boundaries early about when and how a loan will be repaid. And if you know you won't get the money back, rethink the loan altogether.
3. They create budgets that are realistic and reflect their current lifestyle.
In her book, What I Know for Sure, Oprah Winfrey wrote, “I hope the way you spend your money is in line with the truth of who you are and what you care about.” This is key for many successful women, especially when they're budgeting and investing.
Issa Rae told Money.com, "I don’t splurge just because. I will never have 17 cars. I will never have expensive jewelry. I don’t spend that much on my clothes, or shoes. I will spend money on a stylist, and a makeup artist, because those things feel necessary for work. But material things? No."
There's a clear indication that there are clear value systems sustained by what matters to them no matter how much they make, and budgeting is a huge part of that.
4. They consider the long-term effects of a rash purchase before proceeding.
It's totally okay to treat yourself, but if you find yourself impulsively buying things you don't really need or always living check to check because you've maxed out your credit card to take that sixth trip in one year, there's a problem that might put a damper on those financial freedom plans. (That is unless your trip is part of how you make your money, and it's a worthy investment into expanding your prospects.)
Successful women are conscious of the long- and short-term effects of purchases, small and large. They're always thinking about how one action can impact the bigger picture.
5. They are givers and believe in the reciprocity of that.
Many of us are familiar with the famous quote, "To whom much is given, must is required," and there's that undertone of service and charity that is a common thread for wealthy, successful women, especially those who run businesses or lead brands. Involving yourself in acts of service not only enriches your development and that of communities, but it increases your exposure, network, and credibility, often leading to more opportunities to make more money.
Most leading CEOs, entrepreneurs, and professionals are big on giving back, whether it is through resources, a nonprofit, money, or their time. "As you become more successful, it's important for you to give back. Even if you can't financially give back, kind words and sharing about other businesses on social media mean so much. Every little thing counts. Help out your friends and family with advice, encouragement, and support," said Angela Yee, award-winning radio host and entrepreneur.
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Featured image by Charday Penn/Getty Images
Originally published on August 16, 2024