At the top of the month, we find Saturn dipping back into Capricorn to revisit some themes surrounding the structure of our government and our relationship with authority. On the 5th, we've got the final Full Moon Lunar eclipse closing out the Capricorn/Cancer eclipses, making this a good time to reflect on how you've improved your approach to work-life balance. Our beloved Mercury (*rolls eyes*) finally goes direct on the 12th, shortly followed by a rare phenomenon—a double New Moon in Cancer on the 20th (the first one took place on June 21st)—making this a good time to review previously set goals. The Sun enters dazzling Leo on the 22nd, sprinkling a little extra confidence onto us to boldly move our plans forward to claim the success we deserve.
Check out how the cosmos affects your sign this month!
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleIn the beginning of the month, you'll find Saturn retrograding back into Capricorn, giving you a chance to reevaluate your career moves and redefine what success means to you. The Pluto and Jupiter conjunction encourages you to push past your fears to boldly step into your mission which may be going through some major changes at this time. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates your path ahead as your public image is on the rise. Don't be afraid to say goodbye to any endeavors that you've outgrown as you continue to go through your metamorphosis.
Between the 7th and the 9th, Mercury and Mars are squaring off in the sky. Be mindful of butting heads with family members as you figure out what you really want outside of their expectations of you. Speak your piece but try not to be an asshole about it. On the 11th, Chiron begins its retrograde in your sign, bringing unresolved identity issues to the surface. It's time to consider where your true motivations lie that don't revolve around seeking validation from others. Mercury goes direct the next day, making it a good time to push your plans forward in regards to home renovations, relocation, and family planning. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, inviting you to express your creativity in bold new ways.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month opens up with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, giving the the chance to reassess your faith. The truth can be subjective to our personal experiences so be flexible when it comes to redefining what matters to you most at this time in your life. The Pluto/Jupiter conjunction encourages you to be open-minded as you reconstruct a new perspective of the world around you. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th allows you to release outdated beliefs regarding the social, political, and religious ideas. If you're a writer, this energy is super supportive in helping you get your work published on a larger platform.
On the 11th, Chiron begins its retrograde through Aries which is setting you free from past life experiences that contribute to a fear of rejection for being your true self. It's time to separate yourself from the pack as an individual with your own needs, desires, and goals in mind. Mercury goes direct on the 12th, making it a great time to take a road trip to the nearest beach. On the 20th, the New Moon in Cancer invites you to recommit to your self-care in ways that empower you to express your deeper emotions through written or verbal communication. Your journal is your best friend during this time. The Sun officially enters Leo on the 22nd, bringing your attention to home and family matters. This is a good time to get into some DIY projects and to turn that humble abode into a lavish palace fit for a queen.
Gemini
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month kicks off with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, giving you the chance to reassess how you've been managing your power. Maybe you've been exerting too much control over situations or allowing others to have too much power over you. If you have any outstanding debts, now is the time to get on a payment plan to work towards your financial freedom. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates a traumatic experience you've gone through but trust that when the darkness comes to the light, healing can be found. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, allowing you to tend to old rejection wounds that have resulted in a social anxiety or a fear of making new friends. Your tribe is waiting on you to embrace those quirky qualities that make you the dope ass person that you are.
On the 12th, your ruling planet goes direct, moving money matters forward for you and renewing a sense of confidence in yourself after you've taken the time to nurture self-esteem. Between the 12th and 13th, the Sun and Neptune meet up in the sky, heightening your sense of optimism and magical events unfolding around you. The New Moon on the 20th invites you to set intentions for how you want to go about making money in ways that are fulfilling to your soul. Reconsider any old beliefs that require you to sacrifice your happiness and well-being for the almighty dollar. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, making you a busy-body with your creative projects during the next month. On the 26th, Venus squares off with Neptune for a few days, reminding you to stay realistic about your career goals. Things may not take off overnight but slow motion is better than no motion.
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month draws your attention to your relationship as Saturn dips back into Capricorn, making it a good time to reassess your boundaries and expectations. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th also highlights this area as well which could have you reconsidering whether a relationship needs to end or go to the next love. Mercury and Mars square off from the 7th-9th, resulting in a bit of friction between you and an authority figure. The pressure is on, baby. Can you stand the heat? On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to reflect on past experiences in which you gave up your sense of identity to fall in line with what others' vision of success was for you.
Mercury goes direct on the 12th, accelerating your personal interactions with others and sharpening your mind as well. Use this energy to study, write, or teach others about something you're an expert on. Around the same time, the Sun trines Neptune, inspiring you to push beyond your intellectual and spiritual boundaries. You're at one with your Higher Self and the wisdom you gain can be shared on a wider platform through a book, blog, or podcast. On the 20th, you get the gift of a second New Moon in your sign, inviting you to assert yourself more confidently in the world. Come on out of that shell, my love. The Sun officially enters Leo on the 22nd, shifting your attention to using your creative gifts for financial gain. This fiery energy will give you all the confidence you need to boldly tap in.
Leo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleAt the beginning of the month, your focus is shifting to readjusting your boundaries with work and your physical health. Try to find a better balance that enables you to get to the money and also get in a few workouts on a weekly basis. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse can reveal the root of any health concerns, leading you to make changes in your diet and routines. Between the 7th and 9th, Mercury and Mars square off, encouraging you to slow down when it comes to your reactions. Someone around you may feel like they know best—particularly when it comes to your spiritual journey. Choose your battles wisely in defending your own beliefs as it may not even be worth your energy.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, giving you the opportunity to release any fears about walking your own spiritual path—however different it may be from the status quo. Mercury goes direct the next day, making you more confident in the messages you're receiving from the spiritual realm. Your mantra? I am my own guru. The New Moon on the 20th initiates you deeper into your spiritual growth through your connection with your ancestors. It's time to get that altar set up and don't forget your offerings! On the 22nd, your birthday season officially begins, giving you a boost of energy and showering you with all of the attention you deserve.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly begins with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, inviting you to redefine your relationship with your creativity and inner child. This may also be a time in which you reassert your boundaries in dating so you can actually align with the kind of relationship you desire. When Jupiter and Pluto meet up in the sky, you can transform some of those painful love lessons into wisdom that can be shared through your creative medium of choice. Who knows? You could be sitting on the self-love anthem of the year. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to reclaim your sexuality in a way that feels right for you which involves you reassessing various taboos about this very natural aspect of life.
The next day, Mercury goes direct, making you more clear about the friendships you want to nurture more moving into this next season of your life. You'll likely find yourself prioritizing more emotionally nurturing connections at this time. On the 20th, the New Moon has you open to exploring new friendships that align with your mission of offering healing to the collective in some shape or form. As the Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, you may notice your energy levels wane as you focus more on rest and self-care in preparation for your solar return next month.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleOn the 1st of the month, Saturn dips back into Capricorn to continue its retrograde which invites you to reassess your boundaries with your family and home matters. This is a good time to restructure your routine by prioritizing more discipline in your life—especially if you're working from home. You may also need to chat with your roommate to work out any kinks regarding your interactions with one another and household responsibilities. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse can suggest a relocation on the horizon if you've outgrown the space or people you live with. Mercury and Mars will link up between the 7th and 9th, encouraging you to be mindful of your reactions with bae, a business partner, and your social network. Take a deep breath and count to ten to ensure that you communicate from a more thoughtful space.
Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 11th, helping you sift through identity issues and ways that you enmesh with others—specifically in committed relationships. It's important that you still maintain a sense of autonomy even within your partnerships. On the 12th, Mercury goes direct, helping you get clear about your career trajectory and how you can heal, support, and nurture others in the work that you do. The New Moon on the 20th brings about a new opportunity that allows you to put these skills to the test. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, making you the center of attention, and a valuable source of inspiration, for your friends. When you dream big, you motivate others to do so as well.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month kicks off with Saturn retrograde moving back into Capricorn which is helping you get more centered in your thought process. When we talk about boundaries, we usually think of asserting them in response to other people but the attention is more so on you during this transit. How do you overstep your own boundaries by engaging in self-talk that is not beneficial for you? The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th will expose the more critical side of yourself that needs to be uprooted for you to embrace the power of your imperfections with more grace. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, giving you the chance to heal any harmful ways you've identified with your physical body due to the projections of other people's standards.
Mercury goes direct on the 12th, making this a great time to get your work published, teach a workshop, or mentor someone who looks up to you. Your ancestors are working through you at this time so make sure you're sharing the wisdom you're receiving. When the Sun and Neptune meet up around the 12th and 13th, you're feeling super creative and in your feels, making this a good time to go on a romantic getaway or even plan something Rona-friendly at home. The New Moon on the 22nd may be calling you on a spiritual pilgrimage or cultural exchange that allows you to experience connectedness to your fellow human beings. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, your motivation is to make some career moves that can catapult you into the spotlight.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly begins with Saturn retrograde dipping back into Capricorn, making it a good time for you to reassess your money management habits as well as your values. What does a prosperous life look like to you and is it solely based upon your material assets? On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates some problem areas that you need to rectify which could involve paying off debt or asserting boundaries between you and someone that you share your financial resources with. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to address your inner child wounds that make you feel like you need to fit in with the crowd to be accepted. By doing so, you'll experience a breakthrough of creative energy that allows you to boldly express yourself moving forward.
On the 11th, Mercury goes direct, making you curious about exploring the mysteries of life and of others, as well as your desire to go beneath the surface is intensified. The New Moon on the 20th, could mark a transformational time in which you commit to bettering your psychological wellness through therapy or spirituality. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, motivating you to absorb as much wisdom as possible through seminars, books, and even a mentor. You could even find yourself in a teaching position as you use your life experiences to inspire those around you. When Venus and Neptune square off between the 26th and 27th, be realistic when it comes to your expectations about love. You may be in for a reality check as you get more clear about the direction a partnership is headed in.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month centers around you as your ruling planet, Saturn, dips back into your sign in the midst of its retrograde. Re-examine what, and who, really matters to you as you readjust your boundaries with your work, health, and relationships. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse has you feeling the need to revamp your image or personality. How would you like to present yourself in the world a little differently? Between the 7th and 9th, Mercury and Mars square off which could result in some family drama or tension with a roommate. Pause, take a deep breath, and count to ten before you respond.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to address emotional wounds that make you feel like the black sheep of the family. Reframe your perspective by considering the leadership role you're meant to fulfill in healing generational trauma and ushering a better way forward. Mercury goes direct on the 12th, helping you smooth out any friction with bae or your business partner. Embrace a softer approach to these connections to help them blossom into deeper levels of intimacy. On the 20th, the New Moon helps you (re)establish a commitment making this a great time to renew your vows, tie the knot, or say "yes" to that amazing business proposition. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, you are irresistible and horny af. Whether you're booed up or single, prioritize sexual pleasure in the month ahead.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with Saturn retrograde moving back into Capricorn, inviting you to face those skeletons in your closet related to control issues, authority figures, and excessive materialism. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th encourages you to find the balance between your work and your home life making it a good time to prioritize your rest and spiritual practices that keep you grounded. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde giving you the chance to heal any anxiety related to being criticized by others for being different in comparison to the status quo.
Mercury, the messenger, goes direct on the 12th, encouraging you to prioritize more nurturing activities in your daily routine that can benefit your physical and mental wellness. On the 20th, the New Moon invites you to explore different ways you can nurture yourself and others through acts of service, your diet, and your exercise routine. This could be a great time to get an emotional support pet if you've been feeling a little lonely. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, you're bossing up with an amazing business partnership and maybe even a generous lover ready to shower you with all of the attention you deserve.
Pisces
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly kicks off with Saturn retrograde transiting back into Capricorn, giving you a chance to redefine your boundaries with friends as well as your efforts made towards some of those longer-term goals of yours. Rome wasn't built overnight. Take the small, consistent steps towards your goals and you're bound to experience success in due time. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to expand your social circle by letting go of the dead weight and embracing new connections. You'll also get clear on which relationships actually just need a little more of your time and energy for them to fully flourish.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to embrace your own values and release any resentment you have towards those who rejected you for asserting your own individuality. By no means are you anyone to just follow along with the crowd so take pride in that regardless of what other people think. Mercury officially goes direct the next day, helping you smooth out things with a romantic interest. This is also a good time to nurture your inner child so you can tap into your creative genius. The New Moon on the 20th invites you to enroll in those dance classes, record that song, or paint that masterpiece. When the Sun enters Leo, you'll be focused on improving your health and your daily routines so they support the momentum you're building up towards accomplishing your dreams.
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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