At the top of the month, we find Saturn dipping back into Capricorn to revisit some themes surrounding the structure of our government and our relationship with authority. On the 5th, we've got the final Full Moon Lunar eclipse closing out the Capricorn/Cancer eclipses, making this a good time to reflect on how you've improved your approach to work-life balance. Our beloved Mercury (*rolls eyes*) finally goes direct on the 12th, shortly followed by a rare phenomenon—a double New Moon in Cancer on the 20th (the first one took place on June 21st)—making this a good time to review previously set goals. The Sun enters dazzling Leo on the 22nd, sprinkling a little extra confidence onto us to boldly move our plans forward to claim the success we deserve.
Check out how the cosmos affects your sign this month!
Aries
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleIn the beginning of the month, you'll find Saturn retrograding back into Capricorn, giving you a chance to reevaluate your career moves and redefine what success means to you. The Pluto and Jupiter conjunction encourages you to push past your fears to boldly step into your mission which may be going through some major changes at this time. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates your path ahead as your public image is on the rise. Don't be afraid to say goodbye to any endeavors that you've outgrown as you continue to go through your metamorphosis.
Between the 7th and the 9th, Mercury and Mars are squaring off in the sky. Be mindful of butting heads with family members as you figure out what you really want outside of their expectations of you. Speak your piece but try not to be an asshole about it. On the 11th, Chiron begins its retrograde in your sign, bringing unresolved identity issues to the surface. It's time to consider where your true motivations lie that don't revolve around seeking validation from others. Mercury goes direct the next day, making it a good time to push your plans forward in regards to home renovations, relocation, and family planning. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, inviting you to express your creativity in bold new ways.
Taurus
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month opens up with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, giving the the chance to reassess your faith. The truth can be subjective to our personal experiences so be flexible when it comes to redefining what matters to you most at this time in your life. The Pluto/Jupiter conjunction encourages you to be open-minded as you reconstruct a new perspective of the world around you. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th allows you to release outdated beliefs regarding the social, political, and religious ideas. If you're a writer, this energy is super supportive in helping you get your work published on a larger platform.
On the 11th, Chiron begins its retrograde through Aries which is setting you free from past life experiences that contribute to a fear of rejection for being your true self. It's time to separate yourself from the pack as an individual with your own needs, desires, and goals in mind. Mercury goes direct on the 12th, making it a great time to take a road trip to the nearest beach. On the 20th, the New Moon in Cancer invites you to recommit to your self-care in ways that empower you to express your deeper emotions through written or verbal communication. Your journal is your best friend during this time. The Sun officially enters Leo on the 22nd, bringing your attention to home and family matters. This is a good time to get into some DIY projects and to turn that humble abode into a lavish palace fit for a queen.
Gemini
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month kicks off with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, giving you the chance to reassess how you've been managing your power. Maybe you've been exerting too much control over situations or allowing others to have too much power over you. If you have any outstanding debts, now is the time to get on a payment plan to work towards your financial freedom. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates a traumatic experience you've gone through but trust that when the darkness comes to the light, healing can be found. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, allowing you to tend to old rejection wounds that have resulted in a social anxiety or a fear of making new friends. Your tribe is waiting on you to embrace those quirky qualities that make you the dope ass person that you are.
On the 12th, your ruling planet goes direct, moving money matters forward for you and renewing a sense of confidence in yourself after you've taken the time to nurture self-esteem. Between the 12th and 13th, the Sun and Neptune meet up in the sky, heightening your sense of optimism and magical events unfolding around you. The New Moon on the 20th invites you to set intentions for how you want to go about making money in ways that are fulfilling to your soul. Reconsider any old beliefs that require you to sacrifice your happiness and well-being for the almighty dollar. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, making you a busy-body with your creative projects during the next month. On the 26th, Venus squares off with Neptune for a few days, reminding you to stay realistic about your career goals. Things may not take off overnight but slow motion is better than no motion.
Cancer
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month draws your attention to your relationship as Saturn dips back into Capricorn, making it a good time to reassess your boundaries and expectations. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th also highlights this area as well which could have you reconsidering whether a relationship needs to end or go to the next love. Mercury and Mars square off from the 7th-9th, resulting in a bit of friction between you and an authority figure. The pressure is on, baby. Can you stand the heat? On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to reflect on past experiences in which you gave up your sense of identity to fall in line with what others' vision of success was for you.
Mercury goes direct on the 12th, accelerating your personal interactions with others and sharpening your mind as well. Use this energy to study, write, or teach others about something you're an expert on. Around the same time, the Sun trines Neptune, inspiring you to push beyond your intellectual and spiritual boundaries. You're at one with your Higher Self and the wisdom you gain can be shared on a wider platform through a book, blog, or podcast. On the 20th, you get the gift of a second New Moon in your sign, inviting you to assert yourself more confidently in the world. Come on out of that shell, my love. The Sun officially enters Leo on the 22nd, shifting your attention to using your creative gifts for financial gain. This fiery energy will give you all the confidence you need to boldly tap in.
Leo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleAt the beginning of the month, your focus is shifting to readjusting your boundaries with work and your physical health. Try to find a better balance that enables you to get to the money and also get in a few workouts on a weekly basis. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse can reveal the root of any health concerns, leading you to make changes in your diet and routines. Between the 7th and 9th, Mercury and Mars square off, encouraging you to slow down when it comes to your reactions. Someone around you may feel like they know best—particularly when it comes to your spiritual journey. Choose your battles wisely in defending your own beliefs as it may not even be worth your energy.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, giving you the opportunity to release any fears about walking your own spiritual path—however different it may be from the status quo. Mercury goes direct the next day, making you more confident in the messages you're receiving from the spiritual realm. Your mantra? I am my own guru. The New Moon on the 20th initiates you deeper into your spiritual growth through your connection with your ancestors. It's time to get that altar set up and don't forget your offerings! On the 22nd, your birthday season officially begins, giving you a boost of energy and showering you with all of the attention you deserve.
Virgo
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly begins with Saturn dipping back into Capricorn, inviting you to redefine your relationship with your creativity and inner child. This may also be a time in which you reassert your boundaries in dating so you can actually align with the kind of relationship you desire. When Jupiter and Pluto meet up in the sky, you can transform some of those painful love lessons into wisdom that can be shared through your creative medium of choice. Who knows? You could be sitting on the self-love anthem of the year. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to reclaim your sexuality in a way that feels right for you which involves you reassessing various taboos about this very natural aspect of life.
The next day, Mercury goes direct, making you more clear about the friendships you want to nurture more moving into this next season of your life. You'll likely find yourself prioritizing more emotionally nurturing connections at this time. On the 20th, the New Moon has you open to exploring new friendships that align with your mission of offering healing to the collective in some shape or form. As the Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, you may notice your energy levels wane as you focus more on rest and self-care in preparation for your solar return next month.
Libra
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleOn the 1st of the month, Saturn dips back into Capricorn to continue its retrograde which invites you to reassess your boundaries with your family and home matters. This is a good time to restructure your routine by prioritizing more discipline in your life—especially if you're working from home. You may also need to chat with your roommate to work out any kinks regarding your interactions with one another and household responsibilities. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse can suggest a relocation on the horizon if you've outgrown the space or people you live with. Mercury and Mars will link up between the 7th and 9th, encouraging you to be mindful of your reactions with bae, a business partner, and your social network. Take a deep breath and count to ten to ensure that you communicate from a more thoughtful space.
Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 11th, helping you sift through identity issues and ways that you enmesh with others—specifically in committed relationships. It's important that you still maintain a sense of autonomy even within your partnerships. On the 12th, Mercury goes direct, helping you get clear about your career trajectory and how you can heal, support, and nurture others in the work that you do. The New Moon on the 20th brings about a new opportunity that allows you to put these skills to the test. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, making you the center of attention, and a valuable source of inspiration, for your friends. When you dream big, you motivate others to do so as well.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month kicks off with Saturn retrograde moving back into Capricorn which is helping you get more centered in your thought process. When we talk about boundaries, we usually think of asserting them in response to other people but the attention is more so on you during this transit. How do you overstep your own boundaries by engaging in self-talk that is not beneficial for you? The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th will expose the more critical side of yourself that needs to be uprooted for you to embrace the power of your imperfections with more grace. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, giving you the chance to heal any harmful ways you've identified with your physical body due to the projections of other people's standards.
Mercury goes direct on the 12th, making this a great time to get your work published, teach a workshop, or mentor someone who looks up to you. Your ancestors are working through you at this time so make sure you're sharing the wisdom you're receiving. When the Sun and Neptune meet up around the 12th and 13th, you're feeling super creative and in your feels, making this a good time to go on a romantic getaway or even plan something Rona-friendly at home. The New Moon on the 22nd may be calling you on a spiritual pilgrimage or cultural exchange that allows you to experience connectedness to your fellow human beings. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, your motivation is to make some career moves that can catapult you into the spotlight.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly begins with Saturn retrograde dipping back into Capricorn, making it a good time for you to reassess your money management habits as well as your values. What does a prosperous life look like to you and is it solely based upon your material assets? On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates some problem areas that you need to rectify which could involve paying off debt or asserting boundaries between you and someone that you share your financial resources with. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, inviting you to address your inner child wounds that make you feel like you need to fit in with the crowd to be accepted. By doing so, you'll experience a breakthrough of creative energy that allows you to boldly express yourself moving forward.
On the 11th, Mercury goes direct, making you curious about exploring the mysteries of life and of others, as well as your desire to go beneath the surface is intensified. The New Moon on the 20th, could mark a transformational time in which you commit to bettering your psychological wellness through therapy or spirituality. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Leo, motivating you to absorb as much wisdom as possible through seminars, books, and even a mentor. You could even find yourself in a teaching position as you use your life experiences to inspire those around you. When Venus and Neptune square off between the 26th and 27th, be realistic when it comes to your expectations about love. You may be in for a reality check as you get more clear about the direction a partnership is headed in.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month centers around you as your ruling planet, Saturn, dips back into your sign in the midst of its retrograde. Re-examine what, and who, really matters to you as you readjust your boundaries with your work, health, and relationships. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse has you feeling the need to revamp your image or personality. How would you like to present yourself in the world a little differently? Between the 7th and 9th, Mercury and Mars square off which could result in some family drama or tension with a roommate. Pause, take a deep breath, and count to ten before you respond.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to address emotional wounds that make you feel like the black sheep of the family. Reframe your perspective by considering the leadership role you're meant to fulfill in healing generational trauma and ushering a better way forward. Mercury goes direct on the 12th, helping you smooth out any friction with bae or your business partner. Embrace a softer approach to these connections to help them blossom into deeper levels of intimacy. On the 20th, the New Moon helps you (re)establish a commitment making this a great time to renew your vows, tie the knot, or say "yes" to that amazing business proposition. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, you are irresistible and horny af. Whether you're booed up or single, prioritize sexual pleasure in the month ahead.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with Saturn retrograde moving back into Capricorn, inviting you to face those skeletons in your closet related to control issues, authority figures, and excessive materialism. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 5th encourages you to find the balance between your work and your home life making it a good time to prioritize your rest and spiritual practices that keep you grounded. On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde giving you the chance to heal any anxiety related to being criticized by others for being different in comparison to the status quo.
Mercury, the messenger, goes direct on the 12th, encouraging you to prioritize more nurturing activities in your daily routine that can benefit your physical and mental wellness. On the 20th, the New Moon invites you to explore different ways you can nurture yourself and others through acts of service, your diet, and your exercise routine. This could be a great time to get an emotional support pet if you've been feeling a little lonely. When the Sun enters Leo on the 22nd, you're bossing up with an amazing business partnership and maybe even a generous lover ready to shower you with all of the attention you deserve.
Pisces
Laci Jordan for xoNecoleJuly kicks off with Saturn retrograde transiting back into Capricorn, giving you a chance to redefine your boundaries with friends as well as your efforts made towards some of those longer-term goals of yours. Rome wasn't built overnight. Take the small, consistent steps towards your goals and you're bound to experience success in due time. On the 5th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to expand your social circle by letting go of the dead weight and embracing new connections. You'll also get clear on which relationships actually just need a little more of your time and energy for them to fully flourish.
On the 11th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to embrace your own values and release any resentment you have towards those who rejected you for asserting your own individuality. By no means are you anyone to just follow along with the crowd so take pride in that regardless of what other people think. Mercury officially goes direct the next day, helping you smooth out things with a romantic interest. This is also a good time to nurture your inner child so you can tap into your creative genius. The New Moon on the 20th invites you to enroll in those dance classes, record that song, or paint that masterpiece. When the Sun enters Leo, you'll be focused on improving your health and your daily routines so they support the momentum you're building up towards accomplishing your dreams.
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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