Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
January is a groundbreaking month of surprises, challenges, and triumphs. The year begins with Mercury going direct on January 1, signifying a sense of ease and a new beginning that this year is bringing. With less fog and more clarity, less control, and more flow, anything is possible for you as the year begins, and January is ushering in this positive fresh start. After the intense and enlightening year that 2023 was, this year is starting on a determined tone, and there is a lot to look forward to this year.
On Jan. 4, Mars enters Capricorn, and this is a good time to set up financial goals and plans for yourself for the year and to think more logically here. Mars in Capricorn is ambitious, and this will be a good month to follow through on New Year's resolution, as you will be feeling more empowered to do so. On Jan. 11, the first New Moon of the new year occurs, and this is a New Moon in Capricorn.
Setting intentions is even more potent right now, and what you are manifesting right now will ripple into the rest of this year. This New Moon is all about defining what you want and standing by it. Mercury then moves into Capricorn on Jan. 13, forming a stellium in this earth sign.
With all of this Capricorn energy, as the year begins, there is a certain determination and resilience that this month is bringing in.
What January 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Aquarius Season begins on Jan. 20, and determination turns into inspiration. While the Sun is in Aquarius, your community becomes more prominent, and the focus is on friendships, support systems, and soulmates. This Aquarius Season is all about thinking things thoroughly, claiming your victories, and supporting those who have been there with you along the way. Pluto also moves into Aquarius on Jan. 20, signifying that what’s changing now is not only happening on a personal level but a collective one as well. There is a sense of not only things and experiences coming together this month but people coming together as well.
Venus moves into Capricorn on Jan. 23, and Venus in Capricorn takes its time with love and enjoys every moment of it. The best of the best is the priority for Venus in Capricorn, and she doesn’t mind working for what she wants. This energy is bringing a groundedness to relationships, but also a little more pressure to deliver or provide.
The Full Moon of the month is happening in Leo and will be on Jan. 25, bringing in some fire sign energy before the month ends. This Full Moon is about putting yourself out there unapologetically and letting go of anything that keeps you further from yourself.
The end of January settles into a nice flow as Uranus goes direct after being retrograde since August 28, 2023. With Uranus in Taurus now direct, there is less unsettledness in the air, especially when it comes to love, romance, and finances. Uranus now direct brings a certain type of spontaneity back into the world, and one that brings a pleasant type of excitement rather than an unexpected hindrance.
Overall, January is bringing things back into order and providing a new sense of abundance in replace of change.
ARIESKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
January begins, and you are focused on your goals and priorities. You have your vision and your plans, and nothing is getting in the way of the future you see for yourself this year. The month begins with the Sun in your 10th house of career, and you are thinking a lot about the legacy you want to leave right now. However, your guidance is to not rush your process or progress this month and to take time with the developments and healing that are taking place for you right now.
Mars enters your 10th house on Jan. 4, where a lot of the energy of the month is for you, and you have the passion and energy to see things through. There is a shift in energy taking place for you this month, and at times, it may feel overwhelming, so be kinder to yourself in the process. At the end of the month, there is a Full Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and this is ushering in some positive and fortunate energy in your life. You are leaving January in a romantic and hopeful tone, Aries.
TAURUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
This month is a time of change and perspective, Taurus. You are moving in a new direction in life and are ready to experience more abundance and clarity, but may need some time to get there. It’s all about the way you are looking at things right now, and the New Moon on Jan. 11 is a good time to set your intentions for that. The beginning of the month is eye-opening, and it’s up to you to decide what to do with the information you have gained.
On Jan. 23, Venus enters your 9th house, and you could be doing some traveling this month. This is a good time to adventure with a loved one, do things differently, and ask for spiritual guidance in your life. There is an awakening happening in your life this month, and there is some unexpectedness here. The most impactful transit of the month for you, however, is Uranus going direct in your sign on Jan. 27, after being retrograde since Aug. 2023.
This is a huge relief for you, and you can expect more stability and exciting opportunities in your life now.
GEMINIKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
Wishes are coming true for this month, Gemini. There is good energy flowing through your life as the year begins, and you are still in celebration mode from the successes that occurred for you at the end of last year. With the Sun and most of the energy in your 8th house of rebirth this month, you are feeling a freedom and connection in your life like never before. January is an inspiring time for you, and you are emotionally moving through some successes now.
Mercury, your ruling planet, enters Capricorn on Jan. 13, and moves into your 8th house as well. This is creating a spiritual awakening in your life and your close relationships. You are seeing clearly how putting in the work has favored you, and are experiencing the fruition that comes with emotional growth. Before the month ends, there is a Full Moon in your house of communication, and you are getting your message across now. Self-expression is everything to you, and you are getting the feedback you have been looking for here at the end of the month.
CANCERKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
Life is coming to fruition for you in January, Cancer. There is a sense of ease with you as you enter the new year, as you have claimed your peace and owned your power. You are trusting where life is and where life can still go for you, and are focused on your inner happiness right now. With the New Moon and most of the energy of the month in your 7th house of love, you are feeling this energy in your life and also sharing it. January is all about balance between your personal growth and the needs and wants of your relationships as well.
With all of the synergy that is flowing in your life this month, you are seeing relationship matters come full circle. Your heart is with your people, and you are rising above any past complications that disrupted your peace. On Jan. 27, Uranus goes direct, and this is even more energy that is favoring your relationships with others. With Uranus now direct, your friendships and community become more stable for you, and you may be meeting some new, exciting people in the process.
LEOKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
January is all about your inspirations, Leo. This is a powerful month for you and a month where you are encouraged to get creative and be courageous. You may have more on your plate this month than usual, but you have the right perspective and plan to follow through. Work matters are also more pressing for you now, and this is setting the tone for the accomplishments you are set to make this year.
Venus enters your 6th house of health, work, and daily routines on Jan. 23, and single Leos may find a new romance brewing in the workplace. Taken Leo’s will find their heart in their daily life, health, and well-being, and will be inspiring their partners with this energy as well. It’s all about working together with the people around you and making something better than it was this month. The Full Moon of January is in your sign on Jan. 25, and this Full Moon is when you are feeling the closure of the past year. You are letting go of old habits and beliefs, and owning your new ones.
VIRGOKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
January is a time of abundance, self-resilience, and fruition for you, Virgo. You are experiencing a breakthrough in your life, and financially you are allowing the blessings to enter. This is a month to break from self-imposed limitations and to trust that you are worthy of all you have gained and the future successes you will be taking in. With the energy of the month in your 5th house of romance as well, you are feeling more encouraged to be yourself, to love, and to be loved.
On Jan. 11, there is a New Moon in Capricorn and in your 5th house, and this is a good time to set your intentions for love. Don’t just think about what you want; feel it, grasp it, and go into your heart space to take in how it would truly feel to receive your desires in life. By the end of the month, Uranus goes direct in your 9th house of travel, adventure, and spirituality, and you could have some spontaneous trips or adventures to embark on as you leave the month.
LIBRAKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This month is about finding your strength, Libra. You have been on a personal journey of growth and balance, yet have felt emotionally heavy at times in the process. The support in your life has been there, but it’s still been difficult to grasp your own inner power. This month is about accepting what’s been and choosing your strength instead of your fear. With the energy of the month in an area of your chart having to do with family and the home, this is a good time to spend more time in your safe spaces.
Venus, your ruling planet, will be in your 4th house for most of the month as well, and your heart is really where the home is right now. This is a good time to spruce up the home, move things around, decorate, and bring in some new energy to your environment as the new year begins. On Jan. 25, there is a Full Moon in your 11th house of hopes and dreams, and the blessings you were counting on in the past, are coming in for you now.
SCORPIOKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
January is all about standing your ground and protecting your energy, Scorpio. You are walking into the new year needing some time to process what has been and to decide on where you go from here. You are no longer willing to be pulled in so many different directions and are focused on your priorities and your peace of mind right now. When things feel pressing for you this month: create art, meditate, and get some quiet time alone. With a lot of the energy in your 3rd house of the mind in January, you need all the time and space to clear your head.
On Jan. 11, there is a New Moon in Capricorn, and this New Moon is about remaining hopeful, and awakening to a new mindset. You are taking your communications, beliefs, and connections more seriously, and are directing your power toward your message. On Jan. 27, Uranus finally goes direct in Taurus, your opposite sign, and this is good news for romance, finances, and your one-on-one relationships. You are leaving January with more pleasurable experiences in your love life and with less doubt about your stability and security here.
SAGITTARIUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
January is a month of collaboration, connection, and creation for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on your relationships, your people, and the connections you are looking to make this year- and maybe meeting some new people to help you get there. You have your eyes and heart open, and this is an inspiring time for you to create something beautiful. With Mercury going direct in your sign on Jan. 1 as the month begins, you are entering the year with a sense of personal clarity that is attracting like-minded souls and love into your life.
With the Sun in your 2nd house of finances for most of the month, this is a good time to focus on your growth and priorities here and to plan for the future. The New Moon in this area of your chart on the 11th is a good time to set your intentions for abundance. Before the month ends, there is a Full Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and you are gaining the wisdom from the adventures you have been on and the lessons you have learned as of late.
CAPRICORNKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
The light is on you this month, Capricorn. So much of the energy in January is happening in your sign, and this is something to say about the powerful year ahead for you. The month begins with the Sun and Pluto in your sign, and Mars, the planet of direction and action, entering here on Jan. 4. A lot is going on in your life, and this is transforming things personally for you. If you can take the wins with the losses, and find your balance in what is becoming clearer to you now, you can use your will and passion toward intentional action rather than fear-based. January is the time when you are working on letting go, honoring the heart, and listening to the messages of your soul.
The New Moon of the month is on the 11th and is in your sign. This is a powerful day of manifestation for you and a time to think big. Mercury moves back into your sign from Jan. 13 until Feb. 5, and this brings clear energy into your communications with others. Before the month ends, Venus enters Capricorn on Jan. 23, and some of the uneasiness you were feeling emotionally at the beginning of the month is shifting for you, and you will be feeling more ease and dedication in love.
AQUARIUSKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
January is all about honoring your time and energy and speaking from the heart, Aquarius. The Sun is in your 12th house for most of the month before it enters your sign, and you are moving through a transition in your life, letting go of your perspective of what was, and seeing things clearer. The New Moon on the 11th will be in this area of your house as well, and this is a good time to set your intentions for the healing in your life and to allow your heart time to reflect and renew.
Aquarius Season officially begins on Jan. 20, and it is your time to shine and thrive. You are walking into this season feeling especially empowered, with Pluto entering back into your sign on the same day as well. With Pluto and the Sun now in your sign, it’s about choosing yourself right now, and about loving yourself through this process of growth you are in. Remember what a powerhouse you are this month.
Kyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
January is about exploring your options and opening your mind to love. There is a lot of movement in your life this month, but you are also doing a lot of contemplating on the new doors that are opening for you now. Make decisions from the heart and the head, and balance your need for clarity with your desire for hope. The New Moon on Jan. 11 will be happening in an area of your chart having to do with manifestation, and this is a good time to dream up some new blessings in your life.
Before the month ends, Venus will be in this manifestation house as well, and you are leaving January walking on more solid ground in love after the journey you were moving through at the beginning of the month of contemplation. The Full Moon on Jan. 25 shifts the focus to your work life, and this is a good time to experience a breakthrough in the workplace. Find balance between everything you want to juggle this month and choose what matters most to you now, Pisces.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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