I have always enjoyed hanging out alone — movies, dinner, concerts, whatever. Not because I don't appreciate being around people, but sometimes, if you wait on someone to take you someplace or go with you, you'll be waiting forever. This year, I've decided to hang up dating romantically and commit to taking myself out on weekly dates — not just random meals on any given night. My date day is Sunday, and here's why.
Just before we rang in 2019, I was sexually assaulted. He wasn't a stranger, but our relationship was very new. I'd always prayed for a partner I could travel with, try new restaurants with, and explore new places with — I thought this is it. He was well-traveled, successful, 37, which my girls and I thought was a good age, had a great relationship with his mom, outwardly claimed to care about women's issues since he had five sisters, and he was making a lot of effort to spend time with me since we were long distance.
While I was in Atlanta for the holidays, we planned to go to all of my favorites: South City Kitchen, Negril Village, No. 246, and Babette's Cafe were all on the list. However, we didn't make most of our reservations because I walked away from the entire situation less than 24 hours after the picture below was taken.
I've gone back and forth on whether to delete this picture because he's the one that took it — and things were great until the next morning when I'd told him I wanted to slow the physical part of our relationship down.
I could feel his fingers touching me … there without my consent, while I was asleep to which I asked him to stop. I'd woken up because I felt cold to see him standing back and staring at my uncovered body (he'd taken the sheets off while I was asleep). His hands were constantly touching me, and not in the sweet way you're probably thinking. I started to feel like I was losing control over my body. So, when he reached out to grab my breast after I'd told him "no" what felt like one hundred times, I abruptly closed my laptop and took off my headphones (I was working), and said: "We need to talk."
I explained to him, I wanted to slow things down because I felt like he was pressuring me. "Okay," he said. I put my headphones back on and continued working to look to my left to see him touching himself. Would you mind not doing that?" I said "Since you won't do it, I'll have to," he said matter-of-factly, without stopping what he was doing.
Instead of walking out at the moment, I showered, got dressed, and went about the plan we'd made for the day. But, the silence in the room was deafening. I felt myself trying to "make things better." "Are you okay with what I said?" I asked looking up from makeup bag. "Sure," he said, without even acknowledging that I was speaking to him.
The rest of the day went just like that. He stopped holding the door. He walked ahead of me. He barely spoke to me without me prompting him. I'd consulted friends because his behavior, which I now understand is a form of sexual coercion, was making me second-guess myself, which is why abusers often use it as a tactic.
"Maybe you made him feel unwanted," they said. "He seems cool," my other friend chimed in through our text chain since she'd met him the night before. Maybe they were right. We spent the rest of the day together in silence visiting all of my favorite places throughout the city, but I'd had enough after the topic came up just before our pottery class. "You were intimate with me, you slept in this bed with me, so I didn't know there were rules," as we sat and ate the leftovers from our Italian meal the previous night.
I immediately lost my appetite. I knew that I couldn't stay. When he went to shower, I texted my friend Sequoia and said: "I'm leaving" as I stood in the corner of the room near the desk. I stood there for sixteen minutes before he came out and still didn't feel ready to say I was leaving. I mean how do you say that? I now understand how much courage it takes victims of domestic violence to walk away from their abusers.
When I did, he sat and watched me pack. His eyes following me back and forth across the room in complete silence. There was not even a hint of background noise because the television was off. As I rolled out, he gave me a look I'll never forget. It was a squint with a hint of evil.
When I made it out of there, I called my girls and laughed about it. "He's crazy," I said with a giggle. Then, as the days went on, I felt shame. Then I felt sadness. I didn't shower, eat, or wash my face for three days after that. "Are you okay?" my dad peeked into my childhood room in Atlanta. "Yeah, I'm fine." I wanted to tell him what happened, but I was ashamed. I thought he'd judge or dismiss what happened like some of the women around me did.
I knew I'd experienced something, but I didn't know what to call it. I mean he hadn't raped me, but I still felt violated. Thanks to my Rainn counselors, I understand that I was assaulted and that everything he did was a form of sexual abuse. Both of the women I talked to made sure I realized I am not to blame for his behavior, and even though our relationship was new, this behavior would have likely shown up at some point because he doesn't understand consent.
I'm in the process of taking the reins of my life back, and I am doing it through food. No, I'm not overindulging, but I am taking myself out on dates. My third week back in Los Angeles, I woke up on a Sunday and said I'm taking myself out. I love great food and experiencing new places, why should I wait to go to experience that through dating romantically? Why not just date me for a while?
That Sunday, I left the house sans makeup, with my hair doing whatever it was doing, in a favorite pair of athleisure sweats and headed for a Sushi spot with great reviews in Sherman Oaks. "Hi," I said to the host at the front door of the tiny sushi restaurant as she looked behind me to see if there was someone with me. "It's just me," I said.
She sat me at the sushi bar where I ordered everything I wanted on the menu, racking up a sixty-dollar bill. When I got my bill, I felt empowered. I know you might be thinking, Girl, you paid for a meal. What's so empowering about that? I can understand that perspective. Putting my feeling of empowerment into words is tough, but it's just a feeling.
I don't have to get dressed up. I don't have to put on makeup. I get to do me.
I've realized dating myself doesn't mean always going out. The following week was rough on me. He was popping into my dreams, and I couldn't get a restful night of sleep that week, so I Door Dashed the Cajun Chicken Pasta and a slice of Oreo cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory to my house and ate it in my PJs and watched the Golden Girls.
I am writing this at 7:30 AM on my "date day," but once I'm done, I'll be getting ready and heading out for a 1:15 showing of What Men Want, then to a brunch reservation at a new spot in Woodland Hills, where I plan to treat myself to whatever my heart desires and enjoy my self's company.
I've learned a few things from this experience, sexual assault and abuse can come in many forms. The second lesson is something I've always known but was reiterated, and that is I am the prize. No man is worth me compromising my boundaries or body, and I won't have to teach him to respect me — he'll just know. We must always put ourselves first. I will be starting counseling next week, and I will continue to date myself on the way to healing.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Getty Images.
- How To Take Yourself Out On Solo Dates, Without Dying Of ... ›
- Why you should treat yourself to a 'me date' this Valentine's Day ... ›
- Take Yourself On a Date | hitched ›
- How To Take Yourself Out On A Date – Time Alone Ideas ›
- Going On Dates By Yourself Will Change Your Life ›
- What I Learned When I Started Taking Myself Out On Dates Every ... ›
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy