

As I embark on my journey of becoming a sex therapist, I learn more and more that without justice-justice there is no reproductive justice. We're fighting for them to take us serious at the doctor's in life or death matters, so how the f*ck do we get them to care enough to provide us with the proper information on contraception? The answer to this question is a lot more long-winded than we can get into right here and now, but what our sordid history with white supremacy at the intersection of medicine (especially in the reproductive realm) has taught us anything, it's simply this: be knowledgeable and aware of said history, then take that knowledge and demand what's best for your body and your choices.
My greatest recommendation is finding a doctor who looks like you if at all possible, but if that's not possible, here is the lowdown on one type of birth control that gynecologists and clinicians aren't talking about nearly enough and when they do, it seems to be disproportionately pushed on black and brown bodies in a way that can be "eerily" off putting — LARCs, or Long-Acting Reversible Contraception. I believe this is birth control info that everyone should have access to, so we're making it accessible!
This type of contraception lasts anywhere from three to twelve years, depending on which one you select and if you don't like it, it can be immediately removed pending a doctor's appointment. For those that are hormonal, the major implications of hormones will reverse almost immediately after removal in many cases. However, as always, it's worth mentioning that everyone's body is different and thus those results might be different.
LARCs fall under two categories: Intrauterine Device (two variations, one is nonhormonal) and the Implant.
No IOUs, Just an IUD
Seemingly, the most commonly known LARC is an IUD. The IUD is a 't'-shaped piece of plastic that is inserted into the uterus as the name might imply. So with the copper IUD, that little 't' comes wrapped up in copper while the other forms of an IUD are plastic with a synthetic variation of progestin known as levonorgestrel shooting out like a battleship in a game of Galaga. With the copper IUD, it also acts as an alternative to over-the-counter emergency contraception and is most effective than if taken within five days (the sooner, the better) for those who thought they had a pullout game or simply had the misfortune of having a shitty condom.
You might have heard about this from older generations of women who experienced the horrors of the Dal-kon Shield, where the string from the IUD was causing infection in many women and a doctor continued to push them despite knowing this. Other physicians were never informed, as a result, women were deemed infertile in some cases and dead in others. This was during the 70s when the IUD rose to popularity in the US (despite being on the market since the 50s), it has since been remodeled to avoid these complications. As of today however, there are very rarely complications with IUDs. In fact, for some it has become the BFF of birth control.
For women who have contraindications for hormonal contraception, there is a nonhormonal option within this category of LARCs. It's a copper IUD by the name of Paragard. Paragard boasts about being the only of its kind in that is 100 percent hormone-free. You're probably asking yourself, well how can this birth control method effectively prevent pregnancy if there are no hormones involved? To keep it simple, sperm doesn't like copper so when the two cross paths, sperm scurries back away from the vaginal canal.
The other forms of IUDs, non-copper or hormonal IUDs, release progestin in order to thicken the cervical mucus and block eggs from crossing the barrier.
Eggplanted or Implanted
Nexplanon (formerly known as Implanon), or the implant contraceptive, work the same as hormonal IUDs in that they rely on progestin to create a barrier of mucus to keep eggs from traveling through. They are another form of long-acting reversible contraceptives and are inserted between the biceps and triceps. It takes on a simple shape as a small, plastic rod about the length of your pinky finger and the width of a sliver or a "matchstick." Both methods are 99 percent effective with typical use, making them more effective than any other method of birth control on the market.
As an FYI: typical use is the use outside of labs that takes into account user errors such as forgetting appointments, pills, etc that would dilute the effectiveness of birth control.
Unfortunately, they have a similarly deceptive and disappointing history to the Dal-kon shield with one of the first models of the implant to be popularized — Norplant. But even worse, the government pushed incentive during the 90s for women on welfare to get the implant inserted as a modern answer to the eugenics movements. These terrifying histories have created mistrust in even the most well-meaning physicians and rightfully so.
One Size Fits All
There are still some doctors who don't feel comfortable inserting IUDs into women who have yet to have children, according to them it is more of an uncomfortable insertion when the cervix has never been dilated in a big way. Then there are doctors who simply don't feel comfortable and this may or may not have to do with their own feelings towards it, implicit bias, or a lack of knowledge on their part. The reality is that the IUDs are slightly different in size and none of them are big or small enough to truly make a difference in the discomfort that has notably been associated with womanhood. To that effect, there is actually little to no pain associated with insertion of either of these devices, however, there can be quite a bit of bruising after having it inserted.
Also, what I will disclaim is that in removing the implant it requires the doctor to make a small incision. In some cases, the implant may move over time and may require a little more pressure to find and remove. Nonetheless, this pain is not even pain but more like I described before — discomfort. If ever you are unable to feel the implant in your arm, it's important that you make an appointment with your doctor.
Show Me the Money
The short-term cost of LARCs are hands down more pricey than that of other upfront cost for your barrier methods and your oral methods. But when we look at the long-term cost that includes transportation, prescription cost, etc over a lifetime it is far more cost effective to get a LARC. Still, I'm aware of the barriers that may be in the way of getting these methods, especially with the Trump administration. It goes without saying you should check with your insurance (Medicaid included), companies first to see if they cover LARCs but if not, there are resources such as Planned Parenthood that offer income-based payment options.
This was hugely important for me as someone whose insurance was funded through a Catholic organization, and I've had my implant funded through PP twice now. Without aid or insurance, the cost of LARCs can be hundreds of dollars, specifically ranging from about $400 to nearly $1000 (or more). Bedsider makes it easy for those who may not have insurance to check out local clinics that might offer these methods at low to no cost.
Here at xoNecole, we are not physicians and by no means are we suggesting that you go forward with this method without speaking to your gynecologist, namely to ensure there are no contraindications that might put you at risk when using a LARC. What we are suggesting is that women stay armed with knowledge and potential options that may work for their bodies, especially if we see that our own physicians are not providing this info. But especially as birth control is not a one size fits all band aid that they try to make it out to be by pushing certain methods on certain groups in the way I've seen and heard of them doing with Depo-Provera.
If knowledge is power, then I can't imagine the weapon we might become if we continue to push for knowledge that affords us true reproductive justice, as it allows us to do what we feel is best for our bodies for us to move through life comfortably.
While reproductive advances may have been created to eliminate our existence and reduce our right to bodily autonomy, you being informed is an act of resistance and you deciding what works for your body—well, that's us taking control in ways they never imagined—regardless of what we choose.
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Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
My Complicated Relationship With Safe Sex
Why I Quit Birth Control And Never Looked Back
Who Said That?! The Biggest Myths About Birth Control Explored
The 411 On The Morning After Pill
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraceptive Methods | HHS.gov ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraception | NEJM ›
- Understanding LARC | American Sexual Health Association ›
- Long-acting reversible contraception ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraception (LARC) - Your Guide ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraception Program - ACOG ›
- Long-acting reversible contraception - Wikipedia ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraceptives (LARCs) | Planned ... ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraception: Implants and Intrauterine ... ›
- Long-Acting Reversible Contraception | Planned Parenthood Mar ... ›
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Lawd. Out Of All The Current Dating Trends, 'Floodlighting' Is One Of The Biggest Red Flags.
I remember when I went on my first official date with an ex of mine from back in the day.
Before I decided to do it, I knew that I was attracted to him and that we both had things like poetry, music, and pretty much all things Black culture in common (I also semi-vetted him beforehand because we had some friends in common) — beyond that, though, I didn’t know much. And so, after about 30 minutes into that date, he asked me a particular question, and at the time, I thought that it was beyond thoughtful: “Shellie, what do you look for in a man?”
As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
Best-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
Ask pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
Once I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
So, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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