At the tender age of 32, I've decided that having children isn't something on my bucket list that I want to achieve. Honestly, it never really has been. Of course, when you're a teenager you daydream about marrying, and having a child with your crush in history class, but as I've gotten older, I'm starting to realize that being a mother isn't in the cards for me. One of my favorite podcasts to listen to while at work is Small Doses with Amanda Seales. I happen to scroll through certain episodes and click on the ones that speak the most to me. On November 28, 2018, she had an episode titled: "Side Effects of Not Having Kids".
What she was explaining to the listener is that we as women have a choice. It is our natural choice to say on one hand you want a child, and then completely change your mind two days later. The freedom to choose should be respected by the same people who made a choice to have a child.
Let's start with a little background.
I am the oldest of four. I have two sisters and a brother. My mother and I have made a verbal/non-verbal agreement that her kids are my kids. No matter what, I'm the next matriarch in charge. As a child, I took being a big sister seriously. I wanted to change the diapers, feed them, change them, bathe them, and sleep next to them. If being a big sister was a career, I think I would be retired by now, vacationing in the Bahamas. Subconsciously, I knew that my younger siblings watched every move I made. I was their leader. When I got older, I couldn't wait to babysit.
Everything was second nature to me when it came to tending to my siblings, or anyone else's children. Back then, I had fun. It was set in stone in high school that I wanted twins and that that would be final. But as I started to see my peers become mothers at an early age, it changed my perspective on if that was what I really wanted.
The tiny glimmer of baby fever came when I found out my lovely sister was pregnant with my niece. The growing baby bump and being in the delivery room really made me reconsider that notion. Once seeing the tip of that baby's head comes in contact with the doctor's hands, my dream quickly dissipated. As I've gotten older, I'm starting to see my purpose in life. My nurturing has always come from a place of love. It warms my heart to see children grow right from our very eyes. To hear them speak, laugh, and have this thirst for knowledge has always made me enthusiastic. During my babysitting days, one of the things that I might have enjoyed too much after a long day is returning the child to its biological parent(s).
Deciding to become a parent should be taken seriously. I'm sure half of the U.S. population were "oops babies". We were not planned.
In a scientific sense, you have to examine your family pathology just like you would reveal to your doctor your family history. Who are the deadbeats in the family? What is your relationship like with your parents or other family members? Was there any kind of domestic abuse in the family? Did you grow up in a family of scholars? Most of those characteristics are a part of our DNA. Am I willing to pass down my "mess" to an innocent child? I love children too much to take that kind of risk. Will my child be depressed like me? Will my child have to endure scoliosis like me? What about missing a finger or a toe? That would be selfish of me to do that.
Granted, we all have problems and issues within us and amongst family and friends. I'm sure there are a lot of issues that need to be dealt with–they are also issues we probably don't know exist within us. I'm all for doing the work, correcting your wrongs, telling yourself what you are willing, or not willing, to do. Sorting through your own parents' parenting techniques and making sure you choose the ones that were beneficial to you to pass on. Having a child isn't like going to the drive-thru and ordering the number one with extra cheese. Once the child is here inhaling this polluted air, you can't shove him or her back up your birth canal. What's done is done at that point. Those were the things I would think about at eighteen and nineteen years old. I never thought about the cute baby clothes or the child's first birthday party.
The hesitation that I have is, will this child be screwed up before he or she can even say, "Mama".
I want to thank my own mother for not pressuring me to gift her with grandkids. Luckily, that was never a priority she pushed on me personally. The only thing that was said that confused me was, "When you find someone you love that might change." Which brings me back to the Amanda Seales podcast. It was one thing she said that really went straight to the point of how I always felt. She states: "[Somehow] this penis is going be so persuasive I would all of a sudden want a kid." Me being headstrong would not allow a man to convince me that my womb needs to be occupied.
As I've gotten older, I've created a list of five reasons as to why I don't want kids:
First, the fact that I might "lose myself" scares the hell out of me.
I'm putting in all of this work to align my chakras and to find out who I am, but risk losing it again once a child is here. All of one's energy is orbited around the child. After a while, I can only imagine how a mother can put her interests and hobbies on the backburner. You forget what makes you happy, and what brings you joy and peace. The question I want to propose is, if you've lost yourself, how do you think your child would interpret that? As a mother, do you think your child will love you more or less? So, let me get this straight. You lost yourself, but at the same time, you are encouraging your children to find themselves? When does "leading by example" come in?
Second, these mixed emotions that mothers have about their children.
One minute they discuss how the pregnancy was terrible, equipped with swollen ankles, and stretch marks; but in the same breath, they'll state the "children are a blessing". The horror stories about labor, vomiting, nausea, and going to the restroom every three minutes because of a six-pound baby putting pressure on their bladder. I haven't heard a woman say that they've enjoyed the process from start to finish. What made it all "worth it"? As of right now, I don't see it.
Third, at the age of 19, I had some sort of a revelation that out of all of my sisters, I would be the one with fertility problems.
At the time, I didn't know much about infertility, IVF or adoption–all I knew was that I would be the chosen one to endure infertility. Fast forward to 2016, it was discovered that I have a fibroid. According to UCLA Health, fibroids are more common in African American women. After my endless Google searches about fibroids, the stories I did come across explained that conceiving a child is, and has been, difficult. The endless doctors' visits and pelvic examinations can make any woman wanting a child go insane. I personally don't want to endure the heartache most women feel trying to get pregnant. Directing you to paragraph one of this article "being a mother isn't in the cards for me". I've lived with this body for almost 33 years. I have a clear sense of what it is capable of doing at this moment. Having children isn't one of them.
Fourth, I'm selfish.
Not the "I want all eyes on me selfish". Or the selfish that loves receiving, but not giving. I'm talking about being selfish with my time, my money and my freedom. I love waking up and going to bed when I want, I love eating what I want. I love doing what I want. I'm on nobody else's schedule but my own, and I really enjoy that space. I can always focus on becoming a better me. I would rather volunteer my time to five children than to focus and care for one. I believe I'm more powerful in that way. Leaving an everlasting impression on children/adults, is how I leave my mark on the world. At this point in time, I'm not willing to give up my freedom.
Lastly, I'm more excited and joyful meeting a man to marry, rather than figuring out if he would be a great father.
My dream is to have a companion and to spend the rest of my life with one companion. Stepchildren, I will always welcome, because again I can return to sender. The fact I can marry someone who stepped up to be "my person" is so much more joyful to me. We would experience freedom.
Whatever was the norm in your household probably isn't the norm. It's the card you were dealt, and you decided to care for and love that card. Maybe I don't want to do what he, she, or they did. Maybe I'm comfortable living this life I have now. Dealing with depression is almost like a two-year-old child you have to tame. The whole point of this piece is to let women know that it's OK if you don't want children. You are not odd or weird. Not having children doesn't make you less of a woman. Being incapable of not having children doesn't make you less of a woman and that's totally fine if you change your mind about it in the future. Children aren't my priority. My mind, body, and soul are. Being love, giving love, and walking in love is a priority.
Article originally published on Vocal Media
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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