If there's one thing I think most of us spend a large majority of our lives learning about, it's friendship. Think about it—the kind of friends that we needed as children looks drastically different once we enter into our twenties. Then, once we hit around 30-35, the definition changes, yet again. Why? Because as we evolve and our needs and wants shift, we tend to desire different things from our intimate connections. And you know what, y'all? Not only is that perfectly OK, it's a sign of true maturity and growth.
That's why there are certain popular beliefs about friendship that I personally can't get down with, especially at this stage in my life. I do agree with the French-Cuban-American essayist Anaïs Nin when she once said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." However, the more I grow and the bigger my world view and perspective becomes, the more I see friendship in layers as well. As a direct result, there are certain popular views on the topic that I consider to be myths; ones that I feel should be debunked as quickly as possible. Not so that we devalue the friendship, but so we can allow ourselves—and others—to embrace and enjoy true friendships as their purposes continue to reveal themselves throughout various seasons of our lives. So, what are some of the biggest friendship myths that I wholeheartedly believe need to be silenced once and for all?
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #1: There Is a Clear and Firm Definition of Friendship for Everyone
While I do think there are certain standards and boundaries that all friendships should have (see "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'", "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend"), because all of us are unique, in some very significant ways, I don't feel we should all believe that "friend" has to be defined the same way, across the board.
A very simple definition of the word is "a bond of mutual affection", but I'll be honest—what causes me to feel fondly towards one of my friends is usually totally different when it comes to another one. To tell you the truth, a lot of the "friendship drama" that I used to put myself through ceased to exist once I stopped putting the same types of expectations on everyone across the board.
Things like a person's age, personality, like and dislikes, relational status (married folks tend to have a different kind of schedule and set of priorities than single folks do), and even their love language all play a role in what kind of friendship I am able to have with someone.
For instance, one of my friends is in her late 50s and married; I have some deep spiritual conversations with her. Another friend of mine is in her 20s and single; we bond on work-related and pop culture stuff. I don't expect my married friend to connect with me in the way that my single one does. It would be unfair for me to. Still, they both are very precious to me and fall under the category of being a friend; just in different ways and for different reasons. And I am totally cool with that.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #2: Men and Women Can Never Be “Just Friends”
OK, so I'll be the first to say that a lot of men and women who claim to be platonic are anything but (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally."). In order for a friendship to truly fall under that category, both individuals have to have absolutely no sexual interest or desire in one another at all. Platonic speaks of spiritual love—no more, no less. So, even if you've got a male homie that you adore and would never give it up to, if he'd take it the moment you offered him some, technically, your relationship isn't platonic.
Not to say that I think platonic friendships are impossible. I've got male friends who are some of the closest people to me. But when either one of us think about being more than that, it translates as gross more than intriguing. What I mean by that is, they literally feel like family, so anything romantic or sexual is totally out of the question. Ever. And yes, to think that those types of dynamics are impossible between men and women is ridiculous. To believe otherwise is to imply that every man wants to sleep with every woman and vice versa—and that's simply not true. So yes, of course, men and women can be just friends. Male and female interaction serves more of a purpose than hooking up, getting married or procreating. People who think otherwise are missing out on the balance of energy that the opposite sex can bring into their lives. And as someone who reveres her platonic friendships, it's a damn shame that they do.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #3: Everyone Should Have a Best Friend
There is someone I know who claims to have somewhere around six or seven best friends. First of all, according to many experts, folks, on average, have no more than 16 friends total and that includes factoring in utility (work), pleasure (fun) and good ones. I promise you, the more I come to learn what a real friendship is and requires, as I follow that up with striving to be a good friend, I don't know how people have time for three friends, let alone dozens of 'em. Either way, if you're going to take the definition of "best" literally, it is literally impossible, to have multiple best friends. Best means "most" or "highest degree"; best is what causes someone to stand up above the rest.
Yet that's not the main point about this point. Because I'm someone who advocates for married people to be each other's best friend (again, because of the definition of the word), I am also someone who automatically demotes myself, whenever a close friend of mine gets married. I don't want to be seen as someone's "highest quality" over their beloved. And you know what? Living by this personal rule has proven to be really healthy.
Besides, the older that I get, the more I see the value in having good friends; in accepting that when it comes to friendships, there are levels, and again, because different people serve different purposes, having a "best" isn't really even necessary. So long as my friendships are healthy, productive and thriving, "good" is good enough for me.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #4: Friendships Are a Key Source of Happiness
Yeah. I know this one might seem odd, but just hear me out for a sec. Something that I think brings a lot of us unnecessary disappointment and even distress is trying to make other people responsible for our own happiness. While I love my friends, enjoy my friends, and have cultivated some of the best memories with them, I wouldn't say they are the source (origin) of my joy and inner contentment. To me, that is a lot of pressure to put onto any flawed human being (which we all are). Besides, if I gave them that much credit, what happens when we have a disagreement or even, they piss me off? Am I not supposed to be happy with my life anymore? Yeah, I'd rather seek happiness within and then share it with my friends. It's more beneficial, even easier, that way.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #5: The Right Friends Will Back What You Do, No Matter What
Personally, I think one of the most toxic perspectives a person can have when it comes to what they expect out of their friendships is, "If you're really my friend, you will support whatever I do." Really? So if you decide to do something that would put you or someone else in harm's way, I should cheer you on, out of so-called loyalty to the friendship? Please. I say it often because I wholeheartedly believe that a lot of people aren't out here looking for friends. What they want is a fan base—people who will "ooo" and "ahh" at every decision that they make, all the while applauding them and not challenging them when need be. The reason why I've written articles for the site like, "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" is to serve as a reminder that a good friend, a true friend, a real friend is going to help you to become a better version of yourself while being a safe and supportive space for you as you do so.
One of my absolute dearest friends has called me out on my ish more times than my own pride would've ever thought necessary. I can directly attribute her to a lot of my evolution too. So please don't be out here thinking that just because Facebook uses the word "friends" on its platform that everyone who follows you or likes everything you say and do is one. Don't confuse someone liking what you project online with being the standard of what you should expect from your friendships in the real world. The right people will have your back, that is true. But sometimes that means telling you when you are dead-ass wrong, asking you difficult questions and revealing to you areas of yourself that you might not see—or address—if they weren't in your life, holding up a symbolic mirror.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #6: True Friendships Are Forever
I'm a Bible follower. I make absolutely no apologies for that. That said, when you really pay close attention to the instructions for relationships in the Word, the only one that speaks of "forever" is marriage (Matthew 19:6 and I Corinthians 7:10-11 are good examples of this). Every other relationship (including children because eventually, they are to "leave and cleave" to their own spouse and family—Genesis 2:24-25) typically has seasons. This includes friendships. Nothing is wrong with that. Something that I have learned is, oftentimes people come into our lives to get us to the next level within ourselves. If two people are growing at a similar pace, it's easier to stay friends than if they aren't. Personally, I can name about five people who, back in my 20s, you couldn't have paid me to think that we would no longer be as thick as thieves…but we're not. We no longer have the same things in common. Our relational needs are different. To remain "click tight" in each other's lives would've proven to be more of a hindrance than anything else. At the same time, what growth has taught me is, when a friendship is real, when it comes to an end—or shifts—there is no need for drama or a "fall out".
When you really and truly cared about someone and they felt the same way about you, there can still be peace and love. The actual day-to-day of a friendship may no longer be necessary but what can last forever is honoring what was.
A website that I've always appreciated in Snopes. It's a place I go when I want to know if a popular story or myth has any real facts or basis to it. When I find out that something isn't true, it totally alters how I see "it". That's why I penned this piece on friendship myths. While these are only six and, to a certain extent, based on my personal opinion, my hope is that it will also challenge you to see friendships differently. Friendships are dope. Friendships are needed. Friendships are a blessing. Just make sure to take some pressure off of yourself by not expecting friendships to be everything you've heard about them. Figure out the truth for yourself…then bond with others from there.
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And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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