If there's one thing I think most of us spend a large majority of our lives learning about, it's friendship. Think about it—the kind of friends that we needed as children looks drastically different once we enter into our twenties. Then, once we hit around 30-35, the definition changes, yet again. Why? Because as we evolve and our needs and wants shift, we tend to desire different things from our intimate connections. And you know what, y'all? Not only is that perfectly OK, it's a sign of true maturity and growth.
That's why there are certain popular beliefs about friendship that I personally can't get down with, especially at this stage in my life. I do agree with the French-Cuban-American essayist Anaïs Nin when she once said, "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." However, the more I grow and the bigger my world view and perspective becomes, the more I see friendship in layers as well. As a direct result, there are certain popular views on the topic that I consider to be myths; ones that I feel should be debunked as quickly as possible. Not so that we devalue the friendship, but so we can allow ourselves—and others—to embrace and enjoy true friendships as their purposes continue to reveal themselves throughout various seasons of our lives. So, what are some of the biggest friendship myths that I wholeheartedly believe need to be silenced once and for all?
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #1: There Is a Clear and Firm Definition of Friendship for Everyone
While I do think there are certain standards and boundaries that all friendships should have (see "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'", "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend"), because all of us are unique, in some very significant ways, I don't feel we should all believe that "friend" has to be defined the same way, across the board.
A very simple definition of the word is "a bond of mutual affection", but I'll be honest—what causes me to feel fondly towards one of my friends is usually totally different when it comes to another one. To tell you the truth, a lot of the "friendship drama" that I used to put myself through ceased to exist once I stopped putting the same types of expectations on everyone across the board.
Things like a person's age, personality, like and dislikes, relational status (married folks tend to have a different kind of schedule and set of priorities than single folks do), and even their love language all play a role in what kind of friendship I am able to have with someone.
For instance, one of my friends is in her late 50s and married; I have some deep spiritual conversations with her. Another friend of mine is in her 20s and single; we bond on work-related and pop culture stuff. I don't expect my married friend to connect with me in the way that my single one does. It would be unfair for me to. Still, they both are very precious to me and fall under the category of being a friend; just in different ways and for different reasons. And I am totally cool with that.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #2: Men and Women Can Never Be “Just Friends”
OK, so I'll be the first to say that a lot of men and women who claim to be platonic are anything but (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally."). In order for a friendship to truly fall under that category, both individuals have to have absolutely no sexual interest or desire in one another at all. Platonic speaks of spiritual love—no more, no less. So, even if you've got a male homie that you adore and would never give it up to, if he'd take it the moment you offered him some, technically, your relationship isn't platonic.
Not to say that I think platonic friendships are impossible. I've got male friends who are some of the closest people to me. But when either one of us think about being more than that, it translates as gross more than intriguing. What I mean by that is, they literally feel like family, so anything romantic or sexual is totally out of the question. Ever. And yes, to think that those types of dynamics are impossible between men and women is ridiculous. To believe otherwise is to imply that every man wants to sleep with every woman and vice versa—and that's simply not true. So yes, of course, men and women can be just friends. Male and female interaction serves more of a purpose than hooking up, getting married or procreating. People who think otherwise are missing out on the balance of energy that the opposite sex can bring into their lives. And as someone who reveres her platonic friendships, it's a damn shame that they do.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #3: Everyone Should Have a Best Friend
There is someone I know who claims to have somewhere around six or seven best friends. First of all, according to many experts, folks, on average, have no more than 16 friends total and that includes factoring in utility (work), pleasure (fun) and good ones. I promise you, the more I come to learn what a real friendship is and requires, as I follow that up with striving to be a good friend, I don't know how people have time for three friends, let alone dozens of 'em. Either way, if you're going to take the definition of "best" literally, it is literally impossible, to have multiple best friends. Best means "most" or "highest degree"; best is what causes someone to stand up above the rest.
Yet that's not the main point about this point. Because I'm someone who advocates for married people to be each other's best friend (again, because of the definition of the word), I am also someone who automatically demotes myself, whenever a close friend of mine gets married. I don't want to be seen as someone's "highest quality" over their beloved. And you know what? Living by this personal rule has proven to be really healthy.
Besides, the older that I get, the more I see the value in having good friends; in accepting that when it comes to friendships, there are levels, and again, because different people serve different purposes, having a "best" isn't really even necessary. So long as my friendships are healthy, productive and thriving, "good" is good enough for me.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #4: Friendships Are a Key Source of Happiness
Yeah. I know this one might seem odd, but just hear me out for a sec. Something that I think brings a lot of us unnecessary disappointment and even distress is trying to make other people responsible for our own happiness. While I love my friends, enjoy my friends, and have cultivated some of the best memories with them, I wouldn't say they are the source (origin) of my joy and inner contentment. To me, that is a lot of pressure to put onto any flawed human being (which we all are). Besides, if I gave them that much credit, what happens when we have a disagreement or even, they piss me off? Am I not supposed to be happy with my life anymore? Yeah, I'd rather seek happiness within and then share it with my friends. It's more beneficial, even easier, that way.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #5: The Right Friends Will Back What You Do, No Matter What
Personally, I think one of the most toxic perspectives a person can have when it comes to what they expect out of their friendships is, "If you're really my friend, you will support whatever I do." Really? So if you decide to do something that would put you or someone else in harm's way, I should cheer you on, out of so-called loyalty to the friendship? Please. I say it often because I wholeheartedly believe that a lot of people aren't out here looking for friends. What they want is a fan base—people who will "ooo" and "ahh" at every decision that they make, all the while applauding them and not challenging them when need be. The reason why I've written articles for the site like, "What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)" is to serve as a reminder that a good friend, a true friend, a real friend is going to help you to become a better version of yourself while being a safe and supportive space for you as you do so.
One of my absolute dearest friends has called me out on my ish more times than my own pride would've ever thought necessary. I can directly attribute her to a lot of my evolution too. So please don't be out here thinking that just because Facebook uses the word "friends" on its platform that everyone who follows you or likes everything you say and do is one. Don't confuse someone liking what you project online with being the standard of what you should expect from your friendships in the real world. The right people will have your back, that is true. But sometimes that means telling you when you are dead-ass wrong, asking you difficult questions and revealing to you areas of yourself that you might not see—or address—if they weren't in your life, holding up a symbolic mirror.
FRIENDSHIP MYTH #6: True Friendships Are Forever
I'm a Bible follower. I make absolutely no apologies for that. That said, when you really pay close attention to the instructions for relationships in the Word, the only one that speaks of "forever" is marriage (Matthew 19:6 and I Corinthians 7:10-11 are good examples of this). Every other relationship (including children because eventually, they are to "leave and cleave" to their own spouse and family—Genesis 2:24-25) typically has seasons. This includes friendships. Nothing is wrong with that. Something that I have learned is, oftentimes people come into our lives to get us to the next level within ourselves. If two people are growing at a similar pace, it's easier to stay friends than if they aren't. Personally, I can name about five people who, back in my 20s, you couldn't have paid me to think that we would no longer be as thick as thieves…but we're not. We no longer have the same things in common. Our relational needs are different. To remain "click tight" in each other's lives would've proven to be more of a hindrance than anything else. At the same time, what growth has taught me is, when a friendship is real, when it comes to an end—or shifts—there is no need for drama or a "fall out".
When you really and truly cared about someone and they felt the same way about you, there can still be peace and love. The actual day-to-day of a friendship may no longer be necessary but what can last forever is honoring what was.
A website that I've always appreciated in Snopes. It's a place I go when I want to know if a popular story or myth has any real facts or basis to it. When I find out that something isn't true, it totally alters how I see "it". That's why I penned this piece on friendship myths. While these are only six and, to a certain extent, based on my personal opinion, my hope is that it will also challenge you to see friendships differently. Friendships are dope. Friendships are needed. Friendships are a blessing. Just make sure to take some pressure off of yourself by not expecting friendships to be everything you've heard about them. Figure out the truth for yourself…then bond with others from there.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends. Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Alex Ratson/ Getty Images
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
Elena Liseykina/ Getty Images
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Walter Bibikow/ Getty Images
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
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