The ItGirl Directory is like the ultimate group chat for women to connect with a fierce selection of women-led ItGirl agencies and businesses. This is your digital link-up for collaboration, empowerment, and nurturing your personal and creative ventures. Connecting with like-minded women who get you is essential, and the ItGirl Directory makes it possible.
We’re committed to supporting the girlies by providing access to resources and opportunities that amplify personal and creative endeavors.
Get connected with ItGirl-certified and Black women-owned companies, agencies, and freelancers, across marketing, creative production, branding, and more.
Featured Categories: Marketing & Branding | Talent & Creator | Photo & Video
MARKETING & BRANDING
Meet the dot connectors across marketing, branding, strategy, campaigns, experiential, and more. These women pull off large-scale campaigns, brand partnerships, strategic marketing, consulting, press and communication strategy, and much more.
19th & Park
Founded by Tahira White and Whitney Headen, 19th & Park is an agency rooted in strategy, innovation, ideation, and execution — allowing them to create stories that make people feel again and build with brands including Bumble, L'Oreal, and Meta.
SLUG Global
SLUG is a team of young artists from diverse professional backgrounds and disciplines founded by creative director and musical artist Brittany Bosco. The agency specializes in graphic design, web design, digital marketing, original content curation for web and social media, creative direction, immersive set design, and event production across the intersectional spaces of music and culture—leading them to work with brands such as Spotify, Facebook, and many more.
Crown and Conquer
Based in Los Angeles, April McDaniel's Crown + Conquer is an independent agency redefining success for brands based on authenticity. By fostering meaningful cultural interactions, the agency has curated campaigns for Adidas, Amazon Studios, Google, and others.
RTTR
Rachel Wims, a marketing executive, author, and global philanthropist, serves as the founder and CEO of RTTR. Her agency specializes in content production, talent management, and artist creative/brand development. Among Rachel's clientele are notable names such as Jayda Cheaves, Dess Dior, and the beauty brand Topicals.
D28
Specializing in fashion, entertainment, lifestyle, hospitality, and tourism— Shenell Renwick is a Brooklyn-based publicist, storyteller, and co-founder of d28. D28 is a PR and digital marketing agency working with emerging brands and talent including True To Us and Sondér New York.
All Angles Agency
Founded by Evangeline Elder, All Angles Agency is a brand partnerships and integrated marketing engine, powering multicultural platforms in music and entertainment with strategy & consulting across brand deals. AAA connects the dots between the hottest cultural entities and brands looking to create authentic touchpoints with diverse audiences. AAA has worked with artists such as Jean Deaux, Free Nationals, Ambre, as well as cultural platforms Femme It Forward, Hoorae/Raedio, Roc Nation, and more.
OneDayCMO
Emmelie De La Cruz is the founder, marketing consultant, and AI enthusiast of OneDayCMO. Curated through the love for growing small businesses and startups, her omnichannel strategy service allows companies to confidently delegate their marketing thanks to Emmelie and her in-house team of vetted experts.
Third & Hayden
Third & Hayden, founded by Kei Henderson, is a Creative Incubation Hub functioning as a record label, management, and publishing company. We support artists and creators in establishing enduring careers by providing startup artists with foundational capital, strategic guidance, operational support, and essential resources for success. Recently the agency inked a joint venture label deal with SoundCloud.
Creative Collective NYC (CCNYC)
Imani Ellis is the Founder and CEO of The Creative Collective—the largest community of diverse creative professionals in the country. Additionally, Imani is also the creator of CultureCon—an annual IRL event extension of The Creative Collective that prioritizes visibility and opportunity for Black and Brown creatives. With ongoing partnerships with Max, Cash App, and others, Imani continues her mission of building community and fostering cultural collaboration.
Worque + Off Worque
Cristina Jerome, the founder of Worque, operates as a freelance marketer and creative, excelling in talent collaboration, social media, and brand marketing. Initially known for her achievements in the music industry, she spearheaded digital strategy for R&B acts at Keep Cool (RCA Records). Expanding into TV, she contributed to projects like Red Table Talk, Bel-Air, and Rap Sh!t. Subsequently, roles at Topicals and Adidas tapped Cristina to direct social content and lead global brand marketing campaigns. These diverse experiences culminated in the creation of Worque, a community and content marketing agency where Cristina's work, worth, and wins speak for themselves.
SydTheCreative
Sydney Price, also known as SydTheCreative, is a Spelman graduate, creative strategist, content creator, and storyteller. She specializes in helping entertainment and lifestyle brands develop bold creative and meaningful content and strategy. Sydney has collaborated with clients such as Twitter and Adobe.
Sunset Works
Based in LA, Deena Morrison is the founder and producer of Sunset Works Entertainment, a full-service agency specializing in content production and artist development. With over 8 years of experience and a dynamic team, Deena has served clients such as Spotify, ESPN, Nike, Blavity, META, and more.
The Elle Empire
Founded by Elle Houston, the Elle Empire creates dope events for cool brands and cooler people. This agency has been responsible for partnering with Apple Music, Savage X Fenty, and many more.
PopNCreative
After being tired of not seeing women launch and lead in the advertising and marketing industries, founders Lori Hall and Jessica Lane started the Pop’N Creative agency during the pandemic. This agency operates with a mission to see brands win in marketing within a multicultural world— working with brands such as H&M, Hulu, Netflix, Discovery, and many more.
League Twenty Two
Founded by Ashley Henderson, League Twenty Two is a diverse team of forward-thinking millennials bringing unique and bold perspectives to an experiential strategy with over a decade of experience. They infuse cultural authenticity and relevance with expertise to make moments memorable and redefine what’s possible. They specialize in experiential production and fabrication, content curation, and creative strategy rooted in culture. They’ve worked with Clinique, Nike, PrettyLittleThing, SiriusXM and more.
Jessica Roner
An LA native now based in New York, Jessica Roner is a consultant who thrives through illustration, brand storytelling, and creative strategy. With a background in ideating and executing pitches for both global and local campaigns, she excels in repositioning and establishing value within brands. Her diverse portfolio includes collaborations with solo entrepreneurs and larger corporations such as Louis Vuitton and Atlanta Apparel Mart.
Marz Enterprise
Founded by Jasmine C. Green, MARZ Enterprise is committed to revolutionizing the modeling industry through a strong emphasis on diversity and authentic representation. We specialize in tailored creative talent solutions for ad agencies, production companies, casting directors, and beyond.
24:Ours
Founded by Goldie Harris in 2016, 24:OURS is a creative label based in NYC that bridges the gap between music, media, and marketing. Specializing in event and content production, they curate experiences for diverse audiences and true music enthusiasts. Additionally, the 24:OURS Creative Studios serves as a co-working space and full-service rental photography/video studio, offering tailored meeting and event spaces for the musical and creative community.
A Same Different Story
Since 2020, Reegan Houston has orchestrated major global cultural events through her agency, A Same Different Story. Specializing in brand strategy, creative direction, and executive production, she has collaborated with luxury brands and institutions. As a freelance executive producer and creative director, Reegan has partnered with Kendrick Lamar, Migos, Drake, Shawn Carter, The Recording Academy, GQ, LaQuan Smith, Google, Netflix, and others.
Refine Collective and IBandfriends
Founded by IB Majekodunmi, Refine Collective is a digital community promoting and supporting minority-owned businesses and freelancers. Our mission is to empower the underrepresented by directing purchasing power their way. Additionally, our sister company, IB&FRIENDS, specializes in event production and creative consulting.
Ghetto Yolie
Yolanda Hoskey is a Brooklyn native and multi-disciplinary artist based between New York and Los Angeles. Her work challenges the monolithic perception of Blackness — leading to opportunities for partnership with prominent institutions and brands including The New York Times, Bloomberg, FUJIFILM, SNIPES USA, Walmart, and Aperture Magazine.
Imperial Marketing Group (IMG)
Founded by Anastasia Wright, IMG is a strategic marketing agency, consulting house, and talent management company with a long resume across music, culture, and entertainment. They’ve worked with Samsung, Soho House, and more in the brand realm–along with strategic marketing and deals for talent such as Janet Jackson, Mýa, Andrea Valle, Juvenile, Janelle Monáe, and more.
Chanel Hinds
As a freelance creative production manager, Chanel Hinds oversees the planning and execution of creative projects for clients in the fashion, music, and entertainment industries. She manages teams, budgets, schedules, logistics, and vendor relations for projects ranging from modest independent films to sizable commercial shots. Across the span of her career, she has worked with Amazon, Google, Nike, Prada, Awake NY, and more.
The Brownie Agency
The Brownie Agency was founded to address a gap in the market that overlooked the magic of women of color. With backgrounds in fashion and music, founders Ayanna Wilks and Brianna Agyemang leverage their experience to curate events and lifestyle experiences centered around celebrating women of color.
A Gold Consulting
A Gold Consulting, an international boutique agency, was established by New York native Ah-Niyah Gold. As a fashion and beauty consultant, A Gold Consulting is dedicated to carving out space for the next generation, shaping the future of fashion, beauty, and beyond through innovative approaches to PR and VIP relations. With nearly a decade of experience in event production and creative services, Ah-Niyah embarked on her industry journey nearly nine years ago, collaborating with Brittney Escovedo of Beyond 8. Together, they assisted notable clients such as Pyer Moss, Betsey Johnson, and Bobbi Brown. Today, Ahniyah's agency represents exciting brands including Topicals, Black Fashion Fair, Theophilio, Advisry, Black Boy Knits, Bed on Water, and Homage Year.
ASHYA + Equator Productions
Ashley Cimone is a creative director, designer, and producer based in Brooklyn, NY. She co-founded ASHYA in 2017, a New York-based eco-friendly accessories design label that embraces travel, cultural awareness, style, and utility in its DNA. Additionally, she is a partner and executive producer at Equator Productions, a full-service studio at the intersection of art and advertising that has worked with brands like Ghetto Gastro, Nike, New Balance, Spotify, and Amazon.
Private Yard
When it comes to developer Caláh Jones, she is truly in her own lane! Using the power of intuition and technology with the goal of elevating and innovating the creative landscapes of others, Caláh started her experiential design and ideation lab Private Yard to fuel the web design and development needs of the culture — taking on partners who are genuinely committed to evolution. Her clientele has ranged from Renell Medrano and JT of The City Girls to the Collective Gallery and multiple brands within the fashion space.
TALENT & CREATOR AGENCIES
Meet the women who connect POC creators and influencers with brands & help our favorite social media mavens get paid what they deserve.
Agency Cliquish
Taylar Barrington-Booker is the Founder and Head of Talent & Partnerships at Agency Cliquish. Established in 2021 in response to the BLM protests, the agency is dedicated to providing not just corporate commitment but also guidance and support to help Black talent reach their full potential. Today, Agency Cliquish remains committed to culturally relevant, conscious, and advocacy-led influencer management for Black talent in the digital realm.
Kensington Grey
Kensington Grey is an Influencer management agency with a network of over 150+ creators rooted in diversity. Every day, brands, influencers, and social media managers are identifying gaps in the ever-evolving arena of content creation and digital marketing. Founded in 2019, Kensington Grey Agency was created to fill one such hole. Kensington Grey was created to be a direct answer to the lack of representation within the industry.
Black Girl Digital
Created by Latoya Shambo, Black Girl Digital is a mission-driven, award-winning, premium influencer marketing agency advancing the creator economy for Black women and all multicultural creators through fair and equitable brand partnerships.
Human Relations
Founded by PR genius Makensy Smith, LA-based Human Relations is a growth agency specializing in strategic communications and intentional partnerships for unconventional individuals. Smith's clientele includes Iddris Sandu, D Smoke, and NFL linebacker Bobby Wagner.
Agency.ab2
Amber Ajee is a multi-hyphenated muse + force. When she's not steering creative on the RCA label, she's pushing her creative talent house and management company AB2, a management consulting firm and agency that assists individuals and brands in building their true potential and producing their star ideas through the lens of a strategy. One of her clients currently includes the successful emerging artist 4batz who you can hear on every Reel and TikTok right now thanks to his song "act ii: date @ 8."
MEF Agency
MEF Agency, founded by Gabrielle Amai Williams, is a full-service marketing, creative, and social agency dedicated to maximizing the potential of businesses, brands, influencers, and entrepreneurs. They specialize in sales, social media, brand awareness, and PR— garnering clientele from Sephora, NARS, Nike, and Live Nation.
Blk Girl Studios
Ibukun Oladejo is the founder of Blk Grl Studios, a creative agency for Black influencers. She spearheads digital marketing, collaborating with major Black influencers on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube to amplify their presence and partner them with brands for inclusive social media campaigns. Notable clients include Nike, Afropunk, Sony Music, and MissGuided.
Beyond 8
Brittney Escovedo is an event producer and owner of the internationally successful agency Beyond 8. Beyond 8 is an events and lifestyle marketing company that curates events that go beyond the ordinary—offering innovative and immersive experiences. Beyond 8 has worked with Google, Saint Heron, Kering, Hood By Air, Uniqlo, Red Bull, and many more as their clientele list is ENDLESS! We stan!
abc group NYC
Jodi-Lee Reece is an experiential producer who's skilled in event management, production, contract negotiation, leadership, and experiential design. She is also the co-founder of ABC GROUP NY— a boutique experiential agency that specializes in event production and brand marketing within the fashion, lifestyle, tech, and entertainment industries.
BLK Girl Fest Studios
Founded by Nicole Krystal Crentsil, Black Girl Fest Studios is a cultural studio and consultancy specializing in social innovation, community, and experiences. Notable clients include Pinterest and eBay.
PHOTO & MEDIA VENDORS
Meet the women who create visual magic on the daily, across music videos, short- and long-form content, production, design, web, and more.
Trey Dgtl | Director + Producer
Founded by the visionary Treya Bolin, TREY DGTL is a dynamic production powerhouse specializing in visual storytelling. From immersive documentaries to short-form content, TREY DGTL has directed and produced for renowned clients such as Parsons, BET, Complex, American Express, Givenchy, Milk Makeup, and more. Treya Bolin's capabilities know no bounds.
Annie Bercy | Director + Photographer
From film directing, photography, video editing, graphic designing, and producing, Annie Bercy plays many roles in media. Working with the likes of SZA, Cardi B, and countless brands, there's no doubt that Annie's work has an iconic look and feel that simply cannot be duplicated.
Babe Cave LA | Director + Photographer
Randijah Simmons is a multidisciplinary artist and entrepreneur. In the summer of 2020, she opened up The Babe Cave LA and whether you're in the LA area or glued to your socials, you can always catch Randijah's work going viral across your timeline. Tinashe, Kari Faux, Flyana Boss, and Amaarae have been amongst her clientele and we think it's safe to say that this is just a taste of the opportunities to come.
Renell Medrano | Director + Photographer
Reigning from the Bronx, Renell Medrano is a Dominican-American photographer and director who continuously dominates our mooboards, TL's, and every editorial moment in between. Known for her raw and authentic approach to creative direction, Renell has photographed people like Kendall Jenner and Tyler The Creator to Jay-Z and André 3000, beauty brands like Burberry and Fenty, and has had multiple editorial pieces published under her name. And when she's not capturing shots, you can catch her steering her Ice Studios brand or inspiring the girls through her passion for fashion.
Keenan MacWilliam | Director + Photographer
Keenan MacWilliam is a Guyanese-Canadian filmmaker, creative director, and photographer whose style is inspired by the beauty of spontaneity and the observation of the human experience. Throughout her career, Keenan has collaborated with industry entities such as i-D, Spotify, The North Face, SZA, Hawa, and many others.
Exquisite Eye Studios | Director + Photographer
Breyona Holt who you may recognize as "Exquisite Eye" is an Atlanta native and artist who celebrates the timeless beauty and richness of Blackness. Inspired by her father's archival photography, Holt's work sparks dialogue about depicting Black skin, infusing vibrant colors and lushness to convey the intricacies of Black experiences. Collaborating with figures from sports, music, and fashion, including Serena Williams, SZA, Normani, and Kimora Lee Simmons, her imagery explores spiritual liberation and ethereal connections.
Nailah Howze #NaiShotThat | Director + Photographer
Nailah Howze, known as CloudNai, excels at capturing the essence of the Black community through her photography, showcasing the beauty of various cities and providing representation for the underrepresented. Her clientele includes New Balance, Adidas (with Yara Shahidi), Migos, Summer Walker, Big Sean, and numerous others.
Brain Studios
Kin Marie is a Chicago-based artist, film producer, post-colorist, and co-founder of the production company Brain Studios. Kin passionately prioritizes the visual culture of Afrofuturism—exploring its social implications and its potential as a blueprint for cultural evolution. Her work continues to serve as a platform for critical research and experimentation, examining the intersection of art, media, and social dynamics.
Dana Scruggs | Director + Photographer
Dana Scruggs, originally from Chicago's Southside, is a photographer and director based in New York. Her work centers on movement, abstraction, and eliciting emotion from the human form. Scruggs' distinctive vision has attracted clients worldwide, including Vanity Fair, SKKN, TIME, Rolling Stone, Glossier, The New York Times, Nike, Apple, GQ, and others.
The Ally Green | Director + Photographer
Alexandria Green, aka "The Ally Green," is a highly accomplished Black woman photographer and director based in LA, with NY as a secondary base. Starting in Houston, TX, she turned her early passion for photography into a full-time career by 18. Her impressive portfolio features collaborations with brands like Nike, HBO, and Toyota, and artists such as Travis Scott, Normani, and Kehlani. She's also partnered with Delta Airlines, Puma, Adidas, and luxury fashion houses like Dior, Versace, and Brandon Blackwood.
Renae Watson | Director + Photographer
Renae Wootson, also known as IIRONIC, is a visionary photographer whose work blends expressionism, portraiture, and documentary photography. With a focus on authenticity and depth, her work is described as 'visual poetry,' balancing simplicity with layered complexity. Collaborating with notable names such as Rolling Stone, Billboard, Alicia Keys, and Ralph Lauren, Wootson captures the intricacies of life and people through mood, emotion, and expression, embodying the core of her artistic ethos.
Milana Burdette | Director of Photography + Artist
Venice native Milana Burdette, a director of photography and artist, delves into the universal human experience through surreal visual narratives. By combining analog and experimental techniques, she crafts distorted dreamscapes that explore the essence of existence and challenge brutal subject matter. Her recent collaboration with Hennessy, Chad Easterling, and director Tevin Tavares showcases her ability to translate the reality of creating a legacy.
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
RELATED
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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