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However, as with pretty much everything in life, there is even a side to therapy that isn’t discussed enough: how to know if you are seeing a therapist who really is worth all of the time, effort, energy, and money that you are putting into them. Come to think of it, more specifically, how do you know if you and your therapist are past your season, even if initially, they seemed like they were a good fit?
Let’s tackle that topic now. Because the reality is that therapy can either do you a lot of good or its fair share of harm when you’re not with the right person. And so, here are six signs that, if you are currently seeing a therapist, it may just be time to start…seeing someone else.
1. You and Your Therapist Aren’t Respecting Each Other’s Time
GiphyThe more time that goes by, the more side-eye that Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz get in my book. SMDH. You know what they say, though, and even a broken clock is right twice a day. And with that being said, there is something that has come out of Dr. Phil’s mouth, more than once, that I have applied to my life, ever since I first heard it: “Late people are arrogant because they assume that you should wait on them which means that they don’t value your time.” Since time is precious and something that you can never truly get back, I agree with this resolve. And so, when it comes to you and your therapist, you both should show up for sessions on time and (something that I need to hold some of my own clients more accountable to) be prepared to end on time as well.
For me, I keep "checks and balances" on this by requiring that clients give me a 72-hour heads-up if they need to cancel a session; otherwise, I charge the full rate (time is money, after all). As for myself, if I can’t make a session, oftentimes I will offer a discount on top of them simply not having to pay for that session because who knows what domino effect my cancellation had on them.
Anyway, if one or both of you are canceling a lot, showing up late, or constantly running over, while this alone shouldn’t be an indication that it’s time to find someone new, it is a sign that you don’t value each other’s time together as much as you both should which kind of means that you don’t value each other like you should too — and it’s hard to get anything truly worthwhile done if, at the end of the day, you and your therapist don’t respect each other very much.
2. You and Your Therapist’s Values Don’t Align
GiphyBefore we get all deep into this one, let me just say that a sign of a truly good therapist is they can be effective whether someone shares in their value system or not. Example? Not to brag, however, I have a client who couldn’t be more different than I am when it comes to shoot — spirituality, marriage, dating, sex…almost you name it and we aren’t similar at all and yet, a few months ago, I was hella touched when she said that I was one of the best things that ever happened to her.
I’m telling y’all, there are a lot of narcissistic and manipulative mental health providers out here who actually seek out opportunities to turn people into low-key versions of themselves — so, if you are currently looking for a therapist/counselor/life coach, please take your time, so that you can vet your candidates thoroughly.
That said, though, say that you are a devout Christian. It’s okay, recommended even, that you find a therapist who is a Christian too, just so you know that your foundations (at least for the most part) are similar. I mean, imagine if you had an agnostic therapist and you found yourself referencing Scripture a lot as the basis for why you think, say, and do what you do.
While they should be able to navigate through that, it’s unrealistic to think that their personal beliefs won’t come up at some point, and/or that they won’t know how to factor in your own stance on things based on your religion of choice. For the record, this point doesn’t just go for spirituality. I know someone who went to a divorce therapist when her marriage was in trouble and all that person talked about was why it would be beneficial for her to end her marriage when that wasn’t exactly what she was looking for — or needed.
Yeah, when it comes to this one right here, think about what your values are and how your therapist incorporates them into your sessions. Do you feel heard and respected or do they come off with a flippant or dismissive attitude or like they are trying to sway you into thinking more like they do? If it’s the latter, that is a huge red flag and it is definitely time to start looking for someone else.
3. Sessions Cause You to Feel Worse Instead of Better
GiphyOkay, when it comes to this one, make sure to hear me when I say that when you get a hold of a really good therapist, someone who is seriously invested in getting you what you need, oftentimes, it is going to seem like things are worse before they are better. That’s because they may ask you questions or challenge you to consider things that you may have suppressed or you frankly just don’t want to deal with (even though, there’s a good chance that you will need to).
That needs to be said because, what I mean here is, if you’ve got the kind of therapist who is constantly low on energy; has a negative spin to everything; who low-key has you counseling them (hey, it happens); who seems to create more problems and worries for you than before you walked into the door; who seems to drain you; who constantly plants seeds of confusion; who tries to bully you into thinking like them (more on that in a sec) — who basically causes you to feel worse about yourself and/or your situation instead of more hopeful about both…yeah, you definitely need to find another individual.
And please peep that I used the word “hopeful” because I have shared before that I like how one dictionary defines hope as feeling that you can have what you want OR that everything will work out for the best. And yes, if you have a solid therapist in your corner, while they should be honest and realistic with you, HOPELESS isn’t a word that you should use to describe what having sessions with them is like. If that’s what’s transpiring, that’s probably the biggest reason out of all of these to break up with them. Like…yesterday.
4. Instead of Being Held Accountable, You Feel Controlled OR They Enable You…
GiphyI’m big on accountability. A part of the reason why is because I grew up around A LOT of people who would use religion to dodge accountability and/or they would play the victim in order to deflect from it. Anyway, let me tell it, one of the main reasons why more people should get into therapy is because they live the kind of life when they are not held accountable for their decisions enough. SMDH.
Okay, but it’s one thing to be in front of someone who calls you on the carpet when you try to avoid accepting responsibility for the decisions that you make; however, it’s another to have a therapist who uses what you share to try and get you to live the life that they want you to — like they basically see you as a puppet that they hold the strings to. On the extreme flip of this, it’s also problematic if your therapist basically just nods in agreement with what you are doing when they know that, at the very least, it’s highly counterproductive and, at worst, it’s going to make things so much more trying for you up the road.
I know both of these types of therapists exist because a lot of religious ones will try and use therapy sessions as ministry classes for people who aren’t of their faith (which is highly inappropriate) and I also know some people who seem to be in nothing more than “kee-kee sessions” with their therapist — it’s like their mental health “professional” is more interested in being a friend than a true and reliable accountability partner…and yeah, that ain’t good.
5. The Juice Isn’t Worth the Squeeze
GiphyI had a friend who was in therapy for her marriage…her entire marriage (she’s recently divorced). She and her husband went through multiple therapists (one even “fired them” because her husband was so condescendingly ridiculous) and it never really seemed like things were changing for the better. Does that mean that things got worse? Well, I’ve gotta say that, having a front row seat to it all, I rarely witnessed any tips or tools being implemented that seemed to improve their dynamic. Basically, their relationship sounded like what abused people say: “I mean, we had a good few days” only to turn around and be back in their hamster wheel of toxicity by day five. So, let me get this straight: you’re paying someone to help you to resolve some issues in your marriage and yet…the issues aren’t getting resolved? And this is the case for months on end?
In therapists’ defense, they can only work with what they’ve been given and so, if one or both clients aren’t serious about therapy and/or they aren’t being forthcoming and honest and/or (this is a big one) they aren’t doing their session homework and/or they expect their therapist to be more devoted to “fixing things” than they are — they are delusional about what a therapist actually can and cannot do. At the same time, though, a big part of the reason why you signed up for therapy is because you were looking for someone to help you out in ways that you can’t seem to do on your own…and a good therapist is a solution to that.
If you’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now and it really doesn’t seem like your needs are getting met, while one with integrity would probably bring up that the two of you may not be the best fit, remember that they are gonna make money if you stay…which means that you are losing out far more than they are. Whew, you’ve got to be careful with that too because if people-pleasing or avoiding conflict are some of your main struggles, and you find yourself in therapy with someone who doesn’t seem to be “scratching your itches” you might remain. Why? Because you don’t want to rock the boat. Another way of saying this — if there is one area of your life where you can feel really good about being selfish, it’s when it comes to selecting a therapist who checks all of your boxes. If yours doesn’t, you already know what I’m about to say.
6. Progress Isn’t Being Made
GiphySome of my clients, I have worked with for a few years at this point. It’s not because I encourage it, though — and while that might sound weird on the surface…hear me out. If you’ve got a therapist (or counselor or life coach) who is seriously invested in you getting to the root of…whatever it is that you’re trying to get to the root of, I agree with mental health professionals who say that it really shouldn’t take longer than 12-16 sessions for (semi) minor issues and 12-18 months for more complex matters.
In fact, some studies say that 50 percent of folks start to feel better, overall, after about 15-20 therapy sessions and even that? Well, to me, if you’re not starting to see some sort of light bulb moments after about five sessions, you should start to wonder why.
Because what you’ve got to forever keep in mind is therapy is still a business, and based on what your therapist charges, it can be easy to get used to that money coming in (hey, I’m just being real with y’all) and that can require some of them to not be as, let’s go with proactive, about helping you to reach the resolve that you need in a short(er) amount of time. This means that you’ve got to stay on top of making sure that progress is being made.
Now think about the goals that you had going into therapy and how long you’ve been with your therapist. Are you much further along in your growth or…nah? If the answer is “B,” it’s time for a shift. Stat.
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Again, words cannot express how much I support therapy. It’s a real-life and game-changer — so long as you have the right fit for you. Hopefully, sis, this can help you come to a decision about that.
If the answer is “yes,” dope.
If the answer is “no,” BREAK UP.
You deserve better. And more. ASAP.
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