At this point, I don't think I personally know of anyone who doesn't have a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages book. But what I do find interesting is, when it comes to learning how to apply words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and/or gifts to our relationships, sometimes mastering that can be a bit of a struggle. You first have to figure out what your top love language is, then you have to discover what your loved ones' are (you and they can take a test here). But what I can vouch for is, once you do, it can make connecting with the ones you care about, so much easier.
Keeping this in mind, have you ever wondered how to apply you and your partner's love language to your sex life? Because, think about it—if you both feel the most loved in a certain kind of way, if you brought that knowledge into your bedroom, wouldn't that only make sexual satisfaction that much better? I thought the same thing. That's why I decided to devote a few keystrokes into how you and yours can take your sexual pleasure up a notch, simply by becoming more fluent in each other's primary (two) love languages, every time you're intimate with each other.
Words of Affirmation
Whenever I'm in a counseling session with a couple and one of them either says that they hate dirty talk or they prefer to have sex in silence, there aren't enough GIFs out in cyberspace to express the facial expressions that I'm unable to hide. Wow. There are folks who don't verbally communicate while doing-the-do? How is that even possible? Then I have to pause and remind myself that a part of the reason why I am so shocked is because my primary love language is words of affirmation. In many ways, it explains my writing career. It explains how my friends can oftentimes get off "cheap" by only needing to send me a sentimental email or a Hallmark card on special occasions. And, it also explains why dirty talk is one of my absolute favorite things about sex. Full stop. Hands down.
Someone who prefers for love to be expressed with words is probably going to feel similar to how I am when it comes to their own sex lives. However, it should also go on record that, in order for sex to be a peak satisfaction experience, it's a good idea for the words of affirmation person to be "warmed up" with things that their partner loves about them, their body and even the sex itself. And that's something that shouldn't happen, less than 10 minutes before penetration.
Seducing a words of affirmation individual with texts, out-of-nowhere calls, and even a handwritten love letter can be just the kind of foreplay that can take your next sexual experience with them to an entirely different level!
Quality Time
One of my closest friends is a quality time individual. Come to think of it, the last two men that I was in a relationship with were as well. It's interesting, the kind of things that can trigger this type of individual. My not making eye contact or looking at my phone while we're talking. Them being bigger on creating memories on their birthday rather than receiving an actual present. Yeah, it took me a while to figure out how to make them feel especially loved and appreciated. What I learned was, more than anything else, they simply wanted me to be fully present in the moment. With them.
Can you see how this translates into the bedroom?
When it comes to sex, quality time people are the ones who probably enjoy easing into sex the most. They like to wake up in the morning, just to look at the sunrise before engaging in morning sex. They need pillow talk before gettin' some late at night. And, if anyone is a fan of afterplay (which basically boils down to post-coital affection), quality time people would probably be the ones who are the biggest ones of all.
Physical Touch
Ah. Physical touch. It is so much my second favorite love language that, sometimes, I'm not sure if it actually ranks over words of affirmation. Anyway, just so we're clear, when it comes to having this particular love language outside of the bedroom, it doesn't mean that we want low-key acts of foreplay ALL of the time. Physical touch folks are the ones who like to cuddle while watching a movie, hold hands while walking in the mall and spooning as we fall asleep. We feel and give love by physical contact, but that doesn't mean that it always or automatically is sexual.
OK, but when it comes down to gettin' it in, that's another matter entirely.
Physical touch folks are all about tapping into various erogenous zones. Physical touch folks like to explore different types of touch sensations whether it's with a feather, some ice or a tongue. Physical touch people also enjoy a good massage and can remain in the state of foreplay for much longer than a lot of other love language people are typically able to.
When it comes to this love language, it's all about doing whatever makes touching as erotic and stimulating as possible. For both individuals. Each and every time sex transpires.
Acts of Service
Acts of service is fascinating. Because it probably ranks fifth of my personal love languages needs, it took really studying some people in my world who have it to understand what they truly long for. At the end of the day, what a lot of them have expressed to me is they feel (most) loved by their partner (and those around them) when he or she is doing something to lighten the load of their lives. Washing dishes when they see some in the sink. Picking up clothes when they are driving past the cleaners. Making a grocery run when they notice that something is missing in the fridge or pantry.
So, how does this translate over into sex? The same mentality applies.
One of the things that is a hindrance when it comes to sexual pleasure and fulfillment is stress. So, if you want to truly please your acts of service partner, find ways to alleviate it.
Clean up the bedroom. Run them a soothing bath. Give them a massage. Put the kids down earlier. Cook them a meal with nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. Do something that will help them to get their minds off of any and everything that has nothing to do with the two of you, enjoying each other, right at the moment that you want to do so.
Gifts
Personally, I hate that the "gifts people" oftentimes get a bad rap from those who don't have this as their top love language. While some people might think that being a gifts love languages person means that the song "Gold Digger" needs to be queued up at all times, all that a gifts person really needs is for love to be expressed to them in a more tangible sort of way.
On the sexual tip, it could be a new piece of lingerie, a never-heard-of-before sex toy, some flavored lubricant, a different shade of bedding, even flower petals for the bed (or the bath). Anyone who has a partner who prefers love to be expressed through gifts is simply someone who needs to get creative when it comes to showing their partner how into them they are and how exciting it is to have sex with them.
Actually, this can be pretty dope—especially for women—because the art of seduction here requires a little bit of pre-planning. And when someone is proactive about expressing their love (and lust) for their partner, it can be the ultimate aphrodisiac! So…when are you going shopping, sis?
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock
RELATED
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
