There are times when we try to run from our past, not realizing that our pain and experiences are the very things we must overcome in order to live a life we truly desire. We want love, but carry the dark shadows of people who've abused or misused us into our next relationship. We want to be sexually free, but memories of an unsolicited touch from strangers and even loved ones keep us confined. And while there's a desire to be healed—to be open and trusting again—there's a deeper part of us that struggles to let go as a form of self-preservation and protection.
It's something that Jayd Hernandez, an intimacy and relationship coach and founder of Femme Beat, is all too familiar with. In her own journey she's transformed from the hurt to the healer, and from sexually abused to sexually empowered, and as someone who's overcome the traumas of her past, she is now helping others like her—both married and single—through their own struggles that keep them from fully developing intimate and healthy relationships.
“My technique is a little different," she shares on our call. “It's a lot more edgy than what I've come across because I've been through therapy and personal development work all through my life as well, so I'd say that in one way my experiences in the past have really shaped my perspectives that I share on Instagram and with my clients today."
In a sense, she is a light revealer, but in order to help others shine in the full essence of who they are, she first had to confront the darkness of her own past.
She grew up in Los Angeles, adopted into a dysfunctional family where abuse was prevalent and molestation their hidden little secret. With every blow and inappropriate touch a piece of her innocence was taken. Feeling confused and alone, Jayd endured the pain until one day, while watching her brother being brutally beaten and strangled, she decided to speak out.
“The physical abuse was reported before the sexual abuse," she says. “I actually wasn't planning on telling anyone about that until someone had asked me about it randomly, and I couldn't lie because my facial expression basically revealed the truth. And even when it was exposed it was so dark and made people so uncomfortable. It was so shameful that no one could really talk about it or be held accountable for it."
She and her brother were moved from a physically and sexually abusive home to one where the mother dispensed emotional blows, plunging Jayd into a deeper darkness as she continued moving from foster home to foster home.
As she began her physical transformation into a woman, the same curves that attracted male attention when they were once non-existent became tools of manipulation. It started with a free drink here, a line cut at the club there—small conquests that increasingly became bigger as she unmasked the power of sex and sexuality, and decided that what she had to offer would come at a higher exchange rate.
“Usually with sexual abuse victims they either become hypersexual or hyposexual; I became hypersexual. I had also started getting more attention using my sexuality so I started modeling, which then ended up taking me into the adult industry."
Running from her past and the shameful secrets that traditional forms of therapy failed to alleviate, 18-year-old Jayd packed her bags and moved with her then boyfriend to Arizona. At the time she was already earning a living as a car show model, but she soon met a girl who introduced her to the more lucrative lifestyle of adult modeling. It was not only financially fulfilling, but for once, she was able to connect with a group of women who understood and accepted who she was, no strings attached.
“As an adult model all of a sudden I'm in this whole world where I'm not being judged for my past," she says. “If anything there are a lot of girls that share similar pasts as me—sexually abused, raped, molested, all of that stuff. But it was also an industry that I felt really empowered because I could show as much as I wanted for however much I wanted to ask for, and men all of a sudden weren't predators, but they became prey."
Where before she was shamed for her sexuality (her foster mother didn't allow her to wear skirts or dresses in fear of drawing too much attention and becoming a threat) she was now learning to embrace it. Her hips and breasts were no longer detestable, but tastefully displayed for visual consumption.
But there was another level to her sexuality that she had yet to tap into—one where she could not only express her sensuality on camera, but also behind closed doors without fear of being exposed. It was in an adult magazine interview that she conducted with a call girl that she was lured into a world where she could be both her own boss and a sensual vixen when she wanted to and for the right price.
Being a high-end call girl unlocked another part of Jayd's sexuality that centered on desire—not just a need for sex, but also that of independence, freedom, and entrepreneurship. Working for an agency taught her the basics of what it took to thrive in a business where celebrities, politicians, and successful businessman relied on her exclusivity just as much as they did her companionship. She wasn't just an object of lust, but a confidant and safe haven for men who often felt undervalued and unheard in their own homes.
“With my clients they were often living a double life as well," says Jayd. “A lot of them were married, and it wasn't the sex that I was providing them—I'd say the job was 20 percent of the sex, 80 percent was the companionship. And really the companionship was just honesty—this is who I am and I'm not being judged, therefore I don't judge you."
Becoming intimate with her clients also allowed Jayd to develop a deeper intimacy with herself. She continued focusing on her personal development, healing from and accepting her past instead of hiding from it. Her confidence grew not just physically, but emotionally, and though she was living a double-life, it was in this world that she was able to find a light in the darkness.
Over the last year Jayd has taken ownership of her own story and uses it as a platform to empower women and men through the power of sexual healing—a decision made after realizing that her life as an escort no longer served her greater purpose.
“As I grew and evolved as a person, the escorting, the adult modeling, all of that stuff I started feeling like a betrayal of who I was becoming," she says. “The deeper part of me and authentic part of me was starting to emerge stronger than the shadow side of me."
The entrepreneur first launched her business as an intimate dinner series for women, funded through $10,000 worth of Kickstarter funding that she amassed in 21 days. Although her TED-talk like empowerment dinners were a success, Jayd felt they weren't connecting to the deeper parts that the women were keeping guarded. “The women and the speakers weren't going as deep as I wanted them to go, so I started thinking about trying to find more meaning of my past and what I could offer to people."
With her experience working for a personal development company that she was once a client of for eight years, she decided that her talents were best suited for one-on-one interactions where she could get real and get personal.
As a modern-age intimacy coach Jayd specializes in the raw and unconventional. She's not afraid to dig deep, excavating layers that have built up due to years of disappointments and disillusionment by forcing you to look in the mirror. Many of her clients are learning the art of maintaining successful and sustaining relationships as they sift through feelings of heartbreak, rejection, unworthiness, and fear of abandonment among many other things that keep some locked in cycles of dysfunction.
“Even if someone comes to me to work on her marriage, not to say that we don't talk about her husband and the dynamics of her marriage, but we really dig deeper past that. Digging into really who she is so she can uncover where she's blocked and dismissed her own feelings and desires and her own wants, because usually from what I've experienced, when we're unhappy with someone else, it always falls back on us. Where am I not feeling fulfilled? What am I not upholding for myself. What am I taking for granted? What am I not wanting to realize about myself?"
Asking the hard questions has helped in her own relationship as well. Jayd admits that dating was hard throughout the majority of her time working as an escort--she kept the job secret in fear of being judged, but keeping quiet left a void of much-needed vulnerability in her relationships. But just as she began considering leaving the business she met her now husband, and made a decision to bare all to her potential partner.
"I was done with lying, if anything it was eating up at me. So when I met him unexpectantly, I was actually really nervous to be so forthcoming with him, but I did and I wouldn't say he wasn't accepting of what I did, but he was accepting of who I was. He never told me that he wanted me to quit, though he had a hard time with it, and that was a learning experience for both of us because it was the first time I was ever in a truly, completely honest relationship."
Not being judged gave Jayd room to release, grow and becoming a higher version of who she once believed herself to be. Despite her past and unconventional career path she finally found a partner who saw her light and accepted her for who she was.
“It's interesting because I used to be so afraid of commitment," Jayd says. “My biggest fear was to lose my freedom, but when I met him I realized it wasn't freedom that I was searching for, it was the freedom to be me, and that felt most freeing than anything else. So I think that's why we were able to commit pretty quickly because we just knew."
Jayd also attributes her showing up as a whole person, as opposed to compartmentalizing herself, to letting her know that she found the right one who accepted her for who she is--flaws and all.
"I was able to break down those walls and really become more of myself, almost like a butterfly transforming into its whole essence."
For those who've been through similar experiences of abuse, rape, or even an unsolicited touch that may have left them feeling unworthy or afraid of love, she encourages diving deep into who are, not being afraid to confront the emotions that may arise, and keeping a solid support system around you.
"I'm a big advocate of getting support. That whole lone wolf mentality has gone to the wayside, and don't think you can have a really great understanding of who you are by yourself. So whether a woman can connect to her own tribe—a woman she can trust and be vulnerable with, great. I think she can learn a lot about herself. And then through that, because the deeper that you understand who you are, the greater your confidence. And if she doesn't have that tribe then I think she needs to hire a coach or join a personal development organization or group. I don't think you can do it alone; intimacy requires another person."
Everyone has skeletons we wish would remain buried, memories we hope will no longer haunt us, and pain that rears its ugly head whenever someone gets just a little too close to the things that hurt us. But we also have a choice to shine a light on the darkest parts of us and no longer find comfort in our debilities.
Like Jayd we can either choose to remain a victim or become a victor, we can hide from love or become love and embrace it with open arms. And if we decide on the latter, we can reach back and empower those who walk a similar path as us.
All images courtesy of Jayd Hernandez
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So, before we look up and — boom — we’re just a few weeks away from summer (because that really is how this year is going, y’all), take a moment to learn more about spring fever and how you can actually make it work for you in ways that you may not have ever even considered before.
Spring Fever. What Is It All About?
GiphyA fun fact about me is I was born in Lincoln, Nebraska. If you add to that the fact that my mother is a New Yorker, perhaps that is why my favorite times of the year are fall and winter (check out “There Are Actually Scientific Reasons Why So Many Of Us Adore The Fall Season”) — including the fact that, yes, I like it cold and dark. Oh, I so enjoy cuddling up in cable-knit blankets in a room that is filled with candles. It is absolutely my thing.
In fact, I hate that I didn’t plan better this year, so that I could take a vacation to Colorado during this month since, reportedly, March is when a lot of the state tends to have the most snow. And if you add to that the fact that I am a bona fide ambivert — listen, if anyone is perfectly content with spending most of my time indoors (my house, specifically) with a cup of hot chocolate and a book or a good movie…she is I and I am her.
Still, that doesn’t mean that, over the past week or so, I haven’t felt the urge to get out more than I typically do. And from what I’ve read, that is probably due to, yep, spring fever — a time when many people feel more restless and/or like they have more energy than usual. And although it’s not technically a medical condition, many experts on the topic say that spring fever should be taken quite seriously.
The main reason is because when daylight savings time “springs forward,” it gives us extra daylight. When that happens, it actually has an impact on your circadian rhythm (the pattern that your body experiences every 24-hour cycle). There are actually pros and cons to this because while, on one hand, “losing an hour of sleep” can up your stress levels (including when it comes to your heart) which is a con, more sunlight also has a way of increasing your serotonin levels which is a pro. You see, serotonin is one of the “feel-good hormones” in your body that causes you to feel happier; it also makes you want to stay awake for longer periods of time.
Something else about spring fever that has some science to back it: You do tend to take a bigger interest in dating and sex (even though fall is reportedly the best time of year for copulation — check out “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?”). There is actually a pretty scientific basis for why this is the case (that you can read here). For now, I guess the best way to explain it would be that sunlight hits your optic nerve which influences the part of your brain known as your pineal gland. When that happens, less melatonin is produced and, since melatonin can actually lower your libido — there you have it: suppressed melatonin can increase your interest in flirting, dating, and intimacy, and being out in the sun more helps to make all of this happen.
Not to mention the fact thatother reports have stated that spring is a time of the year when people tend to be more body image conscious too. Since layering season is gone and yet it’s not quite time to pull out a bathing suit (check out “These 12 Tips Will Make You Feel More Confident In Your Swimsuit”), springtime is a time of preparation. And since you’ve got all of that extra energy — and potential dating interest — spring fever can help to make you more focused on getting your body in the shape that you want it to be in over the course of the next few months.
A final thing about spring fever — it may causeyour moods to be a bit…erratic. That makes sense when you really stop to think about it because spring weather tends to be the same way with all of its roller-coaster ride temperatures, “April showers” and whatnot. So, more than usual, you may feel like you want to hang out for hours with friends one day and then not even want to answer your phone another — which is pretty much a reminder that spring is a season when you should really listen to your mind, body, and spirit to see what it needs.
5 Ways to Handle Spring Fever (So That It Doesn’t Control You)
GiphyOkay, so now that you know that spring fever isn’t just a saying, that it actually has some solid truth to it, here are a few tips that can help to keep it from throwing you off course:
1. Be intentional about stabilizing your moods. It’s not good enough to know that certain things will impact your moods in a random way and then do nothing about it. And since spring fever may have you a bit all over the place, eat foods that will help to make you feel better (check out “In A Bad Mood? These Foods Will Lift Your Spirits!”), look into supplements that will boost your moods (like probiotics, magnesium, and vitamin D), and do some meditating outdoors. The combination of sunlight and deep breathing can do wonders.
2. Get on a sleep schedule. More sun really can throw your sleep patterns off, so you might want to consider putting your body on a sleep schedule. Y’all, I actually read that spring is the season when heart attacks and strokes increase, in part, due to sleep deprivation — so please don’t be out here thinking that just because you may not feel like sleeping that you don’t actually need to. YOU. DO. (Check out “12 Monthly Sleep Habits To Transform Your Rest In 2025”).
3. Exercise…even if it’s in baby steps. There are a billion reasons why we all need to exercise, no matter what time of year it is; however, if the body image thing is really on your mind, there are so many ways to get your body toned up. Jumping jacks, lunges, squats, mountain climbers, bicycle crunches — these are all things that you can do from the comfort and convenience of your house. And walking around your neighborhood either before work or after dinner (or both), especially now that it’s warmer — that is a cool way to get some cardio in. Anyway, Healthline has a helpful article on this topic. Check out “30 Moves to Make the Most of Your At-Home Workout” when you get a chance.
4. Date with a “sober” mind. A wise person once said, “Feelings don’t have intellect.” Yeah, don’t get me to preachin’ up in here (again) about just how much I hate the saying “Follow your heart” when the Good Book clearly says that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9-10). For now, let’s just leave it at this: You get that science says that your urge to, umm, entertain more, may increase right now. Just make sure that you don’t just “go with the flow of your feelings”. Bring some common sense, street smarts, and even patience to the table. Springtime is just one season. Make choices that will make the rest of the year awesome as well.
5. Put all of that extra energy to wise use. You already read that feeling restless is pretty normal these days; that doesn’t mean that you’ve gotta do reckless things, though. The way that I see it, extra energy can help you to make some plans, reach a goal (whether it’s long-term or short-term), or try something new that you’ve always wanted to do. Bottom line: just because spring fever may have you feeling like you’re all over the place, that doesn’t mean that you can’t cultivate some real direction. Use this time to make you end this year in a way that makes you smile. All because you used spring fever…instead of allowing it to use you!
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