"In marriage, the man and woman must complement each other."—Lailah Gifty Akita
Complement: something that completes or makes perfect
In a lot of my articles, you'll see Scripture. That is both intentional and unapologetic because, like I tell some of the people in my world who aren't Christian, if you just apply the Book of Proverbs (which is simply a book of wisdom and common sense) to your life for a month, it'll make your way of life better. Religion aside, there are some real gems in the Word. Simple as that.
Take the second book of Genesis, for example. It's where you are able to see how Adam and Eve got together. If you read a particular version of Genesis 2:18, it's got a word in it that truly stands out—"Now the Lord God said, It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him." (AMPC) Off the rip, we're able to see that if someone is truly right for us, they will be suitable (becoming), adapted (flexible) and complementary (more on that in just a sec) for us.
Interestingly enough, that verse doesn't say anything about fine, rich or good in bed. Not that those aren't OK too, but a lot of us get tripped up (if not flat-out heartbroken) because we put the icing before the cake, so to speak.
We'd rather "he" be fine instead of suitable, rich before adapted and good in bed before complementary. I know, firsthand, that too much icing can make you sick. Sick and tired, if you want to be really real about it.
That's why I wanted to take out, just a few moments of your time, to explore the word "complement" for just a moment. My hope is, whether you just met someone who tickles your fancy, you've been dating a guy for a few months now or you feel like who you're seeing really could be the one, but you need a few more signs, this will help to provide some of the clarity that you need. So that you'll know whether to move forward or…to take a few steps back (or away).
And just how can you know if a man truly complements your life?
Your Complement Will Upgrade Your Life
I adore music and, since I'm a words of affirmation kind of gal, I'm all about the lyrics. If you listen to Beyonce's "Upgrade U" really closely, you'll hear the word "complement" used in it. Where? Here: "When you're in the big meetings for the mills/That's a good look/You take me just to complement the deal/That's a good look". What I dig about this part—the entire song, really—is it shows that when someone truly complements another person, the complementing applies across the board. You can just skim articles like "Jay-Z and Beyoncé Are Now Worth a Combined $1.255 Billion -- and Counting" see that, together, Jay and Bey enhance and literally enrich each other's lives both personally as well as professionally. Just as a true complement is supposed to do.
Am I saying that unless a man is rolling in the dough that he's not a good fit? Of course not. Rich folks break-up just as much as broke people do. But what I am saying is what Beyonce sang is something that should really stick close to home while you're in the process of doing all of your assessing.
When someone upgrades your life, they improve it. They will also cause the quality of your life to be on a steady incline. Due to their influence, you should be able to see these results in not just one but all areas.
Ole' boy—since he's been around, has he helped you to improve how you move in your purpose? Can you tell that you are only growing and evolving on a spiritual and emotional level? The cool thing about both of these questions is they don't really warrant a "grey" response; it's black or white because either he is (yes) or he isn't (no). Which is it, sis?
Your Complement Will Make Your World Better
Even though Fabolous still warrants a bit of a side-eye as far as I'm concerned (if you read in between the lines, you can probably guess where I am coming from), there is a joint that he recorded along with Ne-Yo back in the day that I've always liked; it's also quite fitting for what I'm talking about—"You Make Me Better": "I'm a movement by myself/But I'm a force when we're together/Mami, I'm good all by myself/But baby, you, you make me better".
Yaaas. What's so dope about the hook is Ne-Yo said that he was straight even before his girl came along. He's a movement all on his own, but with her? Then he becomes a force. That actually reminds me of a T-shirt that I've seen on the Tees in the Trap site that says, "Be a Boss. Marry a Boss. Build an Empire Together." All of this is a reminder that if you want a man to complement you in the best way possible, you need to be good all on your own first. Then, once he arrives, he becomes an additional driving force to make you better.
And better? Better is a really big word! It means that he will come along and make you more virtuous (that's a mouthful right there!), more excellent…he will help to increase the good qualities that you already have.
I don't know about you, but I've been with men who have brought out the best in me, then I've been with those who brought out the absolute worst. I have accepted that my true complement is going to strengthen me and compel me to be the best woman I can be. That's literally what a driving force does. That's literally what someone making you better is all about.
Your Complement Will Complete You (Just Not in the Way That You Think)
When Tom Cruise, as Jerry Maguire, looked his wife in the eyes and said, "You complete me", it's probably one of the most memorable lines in a chick flick. Some people heard it and were moved. Others heard it and wanted to gag. I see both sides.
Do I think that an individual is to complete another person? Eh. Not in the way that it is usually taught or defined. Personally, I don't believe that you are fractionated or broken without having a man in your life. But what I do feel is that the context of how I took "complete me" in the film is lost on a lot of folks.
If you've never seen Jerry Maguire before, Jerry's assistant-turned wife Dorothy (played by Renee Zellweger) was holding him down and having his back in ways that he truly took for granted until his one-man company scored a win and she wasn't there to celebrate with him. When he went back to her house to say, "You complete me", I took that to mean that she was his "bashert" which is the Hebrew word for his "meant to be". Time had revealed to him that she was a woman of good character, that she was loyal and dependable, and that she brought things into his life that he didn't know were missing—until she arrived.
When the right man complements you, he completes you in the sense that you truly feel like you are "lacking nothing" (one definition of complete) with him around. It's not that you were "needy" for him before; it's just that now that he's here, all that you need in a relationship—and even some of what you want—exists. To me, that is a healthy way to want someone to complete you.
Your Complement Will “Balance You Out”
Lord, have mercy, y'all. Can we just have a moment of silence followed immediately by some roaring applause for the word "balance"? I promise you that the older—and hopefully wiser—that I get, the more I want to have a life of balance.
One definition of balance is "equilibrium" and one definition of that is "equanimity". What exactly is equanimity? Let's all get free—"mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium". For the cheap seats all the way in the back (or the super hardheaded ladies that constantly stay in a state of emotional instability due to the drama in their relationships), let me just reiterate the fact that if you are in a relationship with someone who truly complements you, this means they will bring balance to your life. That means they won't do anything that triggers you to become mentally or emotionally unstable. They won't bring tension or strain to your spirit. You will have a sense of calm when they are in your presence. How do I know? Because—get this—a synonym for complement is balance.
A writer by the name of Rachel Hollis once said, "It's usually our opposites who complement us best, because they're the only ones who can balance us out." That's another way of saying that opposites attract. I've done enough counseling to not think that is always the case (every couple is different), but what I will say is your best complement will challenge you to become better; however, they will do it in such a way where your mental and emotional stability and sanity will remain firmly intact. Full stop.
With Your Complement, You Can Rest
And finally, guess what another synonym for complement is? Rest. Rest, honey. A verb tense of rest is "to lay or place for rest, ease, or support". A noun one is "refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor".
I'm a marriage life coach who has interesting conversations with licensed counselors and therapists all of the time. One topic that continually comes up is what we all feel about the statement, "Relationships are a lot of work." Although some relationships are (especially the ones who didn't make finding their complement a top priority in the beginning), the word that I think we all should strive for is maintenance. I say that because when something (or one) is a lot of work, that means it is literally a lot of exertion or labor. When something (or one) is more in the lane of being maintenance, it's more about supporting, affirming and preserving it. "It" is already good, mind you. You're just doing your part to keep it in its already healthy state.
And yes, when a relationship is already good, when you are with your true complement, you don't find yourself feeling like you are constantly exerting yourself or that it is mad laborious on a daily basis. You can rest in it because there is an atmosphere of ease. You can literally woosah in your man's space because he's a source of peace.
So sis, if you're seriously looking for confirmation on who Mr. Right is, don't sleep on the word "complement"; not for a second. Your complement will cause you to thrive and help you to chill simultaneously. And really, how hot—sexy, fulfilling and oh so right—is that?
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Idris Elba Just Gave Us One Of The Best Relationship Words—EVER
8 Things You Should Do Daily To Keep Your Relationship Strong
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship
- 8 Scriptures That Remind Us To Trust In God - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs You're With The Right Person - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images