I've been struggling a lot lately in my personal and professional life, which has been the source of anxiety, self-doubt, lack of sleep, and this ongoing feeling of not being "enough." The end of my 2018 and the start of my 2019 were rough, and since I have become a "push through" queen, it has been normal for me to put things I want in my life before my physical and mental health.
"You're looking really frustrated over there," my co-worker and friend Q said on his way out the door. "I've got a lot on my mind," I said cupping forehead in my hand. "I know," he said with a smile before hugging me on his way out. He along with many of my coworkers know what I've been dealing with since I returned from holiday break.
I'd been saying, "I'm going to take a break" since I got back from Atlanta in January. It was March 5th, and I decided that it was time to take at least a day.
At 11:25 pm I sent my boss a note on Slack letting her know I was going to take a mental health day, noting that, "If the team needs me, I'll come in. I hate feeling like I'm leaving the team hanging."
I was feeling guilty and very millennial as I wrote that message. Who needs to take a day for mental health? But, I knew in my spirit I needed that day.
Before she wrote me back, I'd gone ahead and booked a massage at a new place in Los Angeles called The Now. What intrigued me about the spa was their pricing ($100 for an eighty-minute massage) and that fact that I could add on their CBD balm to my treatment for an extra $10. Before you say that's too much, we all have those beauty and wellness things we can't live without like getting going to see our favorite nail tech, getting our edges laid by our lifelong stylist, or whatever your heart desires. If I give up eating out six days a week for only two, I'll have enough to book my next spa day.
With the boom of the cannabis products in the beauty and wellness world, I'd read many studies that claim CBD can lower blood pressure, act as a natural anti-inflammatory supplement, and help ease the pain of those chronic pain. The next morning, I woke up to a note from my manager, "You are not leaving us hanging at all! Take care of yourself — that is the most important thing."
How lucky am I to have a boss that understands, I thought.
Too often, managers guilt employees into pushing through at the expense of their health. In 2017, only one in five American workers under the age 45 took sick days, according to labor statistics. If we're not taking sick days when we're sick with the flu, a cold, or any other ailment deemed a sickness — the likelihood of people taking a day off for mental health is minimal.
I scheduled my appointment for 2:30 pm on a rainy Wednesday in Los Angeles. I know Tony! Toni! Tone! told us "It never rains in Southern California," but it does. When I arrived, I was greeted by two lovely hosts dressed in denim and was checked in to my appointment with my massage therapist Darrien.
Writer Bianca Lambert captured in The Now
I know there are black massage therapists out there, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a young black woman greet me to go over my what I was hoping to get out of my massage.
"Your girl is stressed," I said with a chuckle.
We chatted a few more moments, and I was off to a dimly lit space filled with salt lamps, sounds of an ocean breeze, and Tulum-esque decor that made me wish I could stay there forever. "Take a deep breath," Darrien said as she started the massage.
I tried to inhale to take a deep breath, but my body was so tight that I was only able to take in a little air. As the massage went on, I made attempts to quiet my mind, but if you have ever experienced anxiety, that's not as easy as you'd think. I started to think about the emails I might miss, the phone call I might get from my agent telling me I'd booked that audition I'd gone in for on Monday, the possibility of there being an emergency. My mind -- even in a place that was meant for mindfulness and relaxation -- was filled with all of these never-ending, fear-based, obsessive thoughts. About 20 minutes into the massage, I felt myself start to relax, especially when she got to the spots on my body where I hold all of my stress — my neck, shoulders, and back.
Eighty minutes later, my spa day was over.
I looked at the ceiling, took the first actual deep breath I'd taken in months, and cried. I felt like I'd dropped the boulder I'd been carrying around for the last few months. When I left the shop, my body was so relaxed that I dozed off at the restaurant I'd gone to have a drink and when a couple of stressful emails popped up on my way home — I felt the stress, but my body didn't tense up the way it usually would.
I think that can be attributed to the peppermint and hemp-derived CBD in their CBD balm — so I will be adding CBD oil to my list of things to buy in the name of self-care. When I got home, I turned on The Golden Girls and woke up the next morning having a had my first night of uninterrupted sleep in months. As I write this a little over twenty-four hours after my massage, I am still feeling grounded and relaxed, which is a pleasant surprise.
Many of us view massages as a birthday treat or for special occasions, but I realize that massage therapy can be important for those of us that carry our stress on our shoulders (literally) — science backs me up. Doctors say that massage can be beneficial because of their ability to connect your mind to your body and can help with stress management.
I know that a CBD massage can't knead my problems or anxiety away. But, choosing to put my well-being above the grind with the help of mental health day (and 80-minute massage) was just what I needed to change my inner dialogue. I have always been proactive about seeking out opportunities to grow in my career, but haven't put that same thoughtfulness into checking in with myself along the way. I'll continue to try new wellness remedies to ensure I stay in control of my life and mental health, and not allow the hustle and things I hope to accomplish in life control me.
If you're curious about CBD massages or do a self-massage, spas in Atlanta, New York, and D.C. offer them. If you're not in any of these cities, you can also purchase CBD oil online to add to your self-care regimen.
All images by Bianca Lambert / Instagram
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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