From losing my virginity to a loser on top of a garbage can outside of a convention center, to that time in college when a man I was making out with refused to take "no" for an answer and entered me without permission, sex hasn't always created the happiest memories for me.
For me, even with the most compatible partners, an encounter that should have been vulnerable, fun, and exciting always turned out to be a scary and gut-wrenching experience that I couldn't wait to be over.
It wasn't until recently that I discovered that I may possibly be suffering from a form of PTSD that was preventing me from experiencing pleasure and making my sex life a nightmare. All my life I've had to fight for an orgasm, and now I realize that my partners weren't always the problem.
Now, with a new potential partner and more than a year's worth of pent up sexual aggression, I find myself rejecting and even sometimes being fearful of intimacy. But recently, I traveled to a mountain top in Estes Park, Colorado where I discovered the secrets of Oshun and unlocked the sexual goddess that has lived inside of me all along.
Girl Trek's Stress Protest is an annual event that focuses on getting Black women all the way in alignment, even when it comes to their sexual energy. Healing is the name of the game when it comes to this retreat, where judgment is non-existent and physical, spiritual, and emotional wellness are king. During the 3-day experience, a number of classes were offered and there were two courses that immediately stuck out to me.
The first, Awaken Your Sensuality Using the Ancient Secrets of Oshun, was led by the creator of Sex on Sundays, Kadi Janna, founder of The Pleasure Alchemy; and the other was a burlesque class taught by Headmistress of Brown Girls Burlesque, Tutu Toussaint. While at first, both classes felt equally intimidating, I knew that the only way to overcome my trauma was through it, and let me tell you, an herbal bath and a burlesque class got my yoni all the way together.
During these classes, I learned a lot about sensuality and even more about myself. Most importantly, that I am worthy and deserving of love, sex, and pleasure without shame, guilt, or ridicule. Living in a world where your femininity, even as a child, is constantly attacked and violated can be discouraging, but rediscovering self-love and sensuality can be the key to reclaiming your time and your energy, sis.
I caught up with Kadi and Tutu after class, who gave me the tea on getting my groove back after losing touch with my sexuality and developing a fear of intimacy; here's what I learned:
Sensuality Heals
Courtesy of GirlTrek
While before taking Tutu's class, I would have never known that burlesque was alive and well in this day and age, and now, I don't want to live without it. An art form that has evolved tremendously over time, a Burlesque show is characterized by provocative routines, rambunctious spectators, and glamorous costumes, which are all combined to create one deliciously sexy striptease.
Tutu, a New York native who entered the industry only years ago, said that Burlesque is responsible for saving her life and encourages every woman reading this to find a class in her city ASAP. She explained, "It's healing. It opens up the door and can be like a portal into something that you think never thought you had, well you didn't believe and were told you didn't have. I think just having courage, even if that's just to take a class, that is the first step of practicing courage in your everyday life. Burlesque can do that."
Sensuality Is A Ritual
In Kadi The Pleasure Teacher's class, I learned about the African Goddess, Oshun, and although I don't practice Lucumi, an African religion that originated in West Africa, I must say that sis was the truth. While there are stories of Oshun stopping wars by showing her breasts, the deity is representative of more than just the influence of the male gaze, she is the embodiment of self-love and sensuality. Kadi told xoNecole, "Oshun is a true depiction of the Divine Feminine and its beauty and majesty. We learn how to be sweet and womanly from Oshun. We also learn how powerful and important feminine energy is."
In Kadi's class, I learned that I could channel her energy at any given moment by drizzling myself in a golden bath featuring a few of Oshun's favorite ingredients. The Pleasure Teacher explained, "I will take a bath in a minute. The baths are not a magic pill that makes everything go away. The baths are a tool or ritual to use when we are out of alignment. The essentials for the bath are room temperature water, Florida water, flowers, essential oils, honey, and intention, the most important ingredient."
My Sensuality Is Mine & Should Be Protected At All Costs
Courtesy of GirlTrek
While Kadi and Tutu's classes were both very different, they each brought me to a similar conclusion: sex doesn't suck. I just haven't been doing it right.
If self-love and courage are the keys to having the best orgasm of my life and accepting my body as the sexy vehicle of strength that it is, I'll take two, please. A lesson in the art of striptease and a crash course on the history of Oshun allowed me to explore and discover my sexuality without shame, guilt, or fear, and I have confidence that today, my sex life is better for it.
Registration for Stress Protest 2020 starts October 1st, click here to get your tickets before it's too late!
Featured image courtesy of GirlTrek.
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Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2, will be retrograde from Nov. 25 until Dec. 15, and will be in this sign until Jan. 8, 2025. Mercury in Sagittarius is bold and outspoken but, in retrograde, can come across as impulsive and brash. Thinking before speaking is important right now, and so is considering your values and interests before committing to something new. Since Sagittarius rules long-distance travel, this isn’t the best time to plan a new trip or to rush the ones already in place.
Consider where you want to be, and take your time getting there.
What to Expect from Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
A little more than a week after Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, Mars goes retrograde in Leo. With these important transits happening in fire signs, energy can be misdirected right now. It’s about looking at the full picture and not overwhelming yourself with too many options or interests. Take your passions and align them with your heart and willpower, without confusing inspiration with ego. Emotions are running high, yet this activation is creating a breakthrough in personal development before the year ends.
Read below to see how this Mercury retrograde transit will be for you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
ARIES
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and you are focused on the bigger picture right now, Aries. With Mercury retrograde in your 9th house of adventure over the next few weeks, this is the time to expect the unexpected and to go at your own pace. Don’t rush the clarity that is meant to bloom for you right now, and take things one day at a time.
Even if you don’t have all the answers you need right now, there are still some important truths and insights to gain. You are in the process of reinventing yourself and your life, and the universe is helping you get the space in order to do so. If you are traveling over the next few weeks, remember to be flexible and to go over plans thoroughly.
TAURUS
Mercury goes retrograde, and you enter a time of change and rebirth, Taurus. This transit, for you, is an opportunity to gain balance, perspective, and empowerment. Your commitments and close partnerships are being addressed right now, and you are seeing where your needs are being met and where they aren’t. You are on a journey of letting go and allowing more, and this is the time to focus on being more flexible rather than controlling outcomes.
This retrograde could also be affecting your shared finances and earnings, and this is a good time to take another look at the money coming in and the money going out and make sure things are in order here. Trust your intuition right now, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury goes retrograde in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are ready for a fresh perspective in love. This retrograde will highlight your 7th house of partnership, connection, romance, and inner harmony, and your heart is figuring things out right now. Confusion or disagreements are more likely within your relationship dynamics, and this is the time to address what your partnerships need.
If you have been feeling out of balance when it comes to love, then this is the time to get things back on track.
This Mercury retrograde is helping you gain a new perspective and reminds you that you deserve the love you are looking for. Use this time to forgive, grow, and use better judgment regarding matters of the heart and the relationships you are building in your life right now.
CancerCoveteur
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde transit for you is a chance to gain some renewed clarity regarding your health, well-being, and work life. You could be feeling more pressure to perform and have it all together on the job, and there is a need to delegate, let go, and take care of your health more right now, Cancer.
This transit will highlight where some cracks are seeping, where you may need to build stronger foundations and healthier daily routines, and also how you can manage a better work/life balance. Your daily lifestyle may feel a little more difficult to find consistency in right now, and this is because new avenues and perspectives are waiting for you to grab ahold of. Overall, use this time to listen to your inner voice and do more of what feels right for you and your body.
LEO
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and this transit highlights your 5th house of romance, creativity, passion, and happiness, Leo. This retrograde is an opportunity for you to address what and who makes you happy and how you can show up more for these fortunate experiences in your life. You are looking at if you’ve been making your happiness as much of a priority as it should be this year and also taking a look at what sources help you align with that energy altogether.
This time is about being a little bit more flexible, doing things differently, and being open to a new perspective. Relationship developments are also providing your heart more clarity right now, and you are balancing your needs with the needs of your partnerships and creative ventures.
VIRGO
Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends, and this is helping you rebuild your foundations, Virgo. Mercury will be retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your home, history, family, and emotional stability- and you are getting a new grasp on things here.
Where you have been planting your seeds and building for your future are coming up for review during this time, and you are gaining clarity on which of these foundations is stable enough to continue to build upon. You could be feeling less secure than you would like to right now, and this change of pace is helping you reassess your goals and figure out what is worth it for you and the legacy you want to live.
LibraCoveteur
LIBRA
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and the focus turns towards your communication channels, Libra. Mercury retro is already a more chaotic time when it comes to communication, and with this retrograde also happening in your 3rd house of insight and communication, you may feel this heaviness a little more right now.
This transit, for you, is about taking your time getting your message across, being patient while traveling and running errands, and giving yourself space to gain some new clarity.
Meditation, journaling, and talking to someone who can support you are therapeutic, and know that your voice deserves to be heard. You are looking at ways you can take up more space and show up in the world without letting your insecurities keep you away from true connection, vulnerability, and understanding.
SCORPIO
This Mercury retrograde is happening in your 2nd house of income, values, assets, and self-confidence, and you are taking a step back to assess your current reality, especially financially, Scorpio. This is a good time to go over your spending habits and earnings, to find greater balance here, and to think about some of your financial goals moving forward.
Look at your resources, skills, and talents, and make sure what you are receiving is equal to or greater than what you have been giving. Less is more right now, and this isn’t the best time to overspend or overindulge, as you need more time to grasp your current stance on things, and how to increase your overall wealth and abundance.
SAGITTARIUS
With this Mercury retrograde happening in your sign, it’s hitting a little closer to home for you, Sagittarius. This is a good time to refine your goals and direction in life and how you want to show up right now. You deserve to be able to change your mind when you need to, and you are thinking about some of the things you have done and what you want to do moving forward.
Miscommunications are more likely while Mercury is in retrograde, but you can use this as a source of empowerment, knowing that you are living in your truth and allowing yourself room to grow in the process. Remember to be a little kinder to yourself during this transit and to give yourself the grace you need right now.
CapricornCoveteur
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde for you, Capricorn, is about rest and taking care of your emotional world. You are being given the opportunity to spend more time alone, to gather your strength, and to heal before you enter the new year. A lot has happened, and there have been many changes in your world this year. This Mercury retrograde is here to help you find acceptance and closure.
You are in a preparation stage right now, and things can feel a little more lonesome in this energy, but with a different perspective, you can see just how much of this space your heart truly needs right now. The past is coming up for you to see things in a new light, and you are ready to gain some renewed insight, closure, and healing.
AQUARIUS
This Mercury retrograde highlights your friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, Aquarius. You are being reminded of the importance of connection, but more significantly, of good connections. You are looking at who and what surrounds you right now and gaining clarity on whether this energy matches who you are and the things that you stand for.
Your social circle and the people around you are shifting as the power dynamics do, and you are finding your place and purpose amidst this change. It’s about identifying who and what makes you feel good and aligning things in your life to bring in more of that energy. Don’t be discouraged right now; find your people and ask for support.
PISCES
Your career and ambitions are the focus during this Mercury retrograde, Pisces. You have a lot to address here, and you are gathering your skills and talents and reminding yourself that you are worthy of your dreams. Miscommunications and setbacks are more likely within your professional world, but they are here to ask you if what you are striving for, is really what you need right now.
You are thinking a lot about how you show up in the world, what you want to be known for, and what successes you still want to obtain. This isn’t the time to let anyone’s idea or vision of you define who you are; rather, define that for yourself. Show up as you want to be seen, and don’t count yourself out right now, Pisces.
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On the first day of the month, we have a New Moon in Sagittarius, and hope is high right now. This is a great time to think of your future, and to plant the seeds for the successes you want to see this month. Sagittarius is all about taking risks, owning what is authentic to them, and creating abundance in their lives through their open-minded perspectives. Mercury is currently retrograde in Sagittarius until mid-month, and this New Moon is a good opportunity and opening for some more clarity and grace during challenging times within communication.
December 2024 Monthly Horoscope Insights
Mars goes retrograde on Dec. 6, a transit that only occurs every few years. Mars will be retrograde in Leo until Jan. 6, 2024, and then will be retrograde in Cancer from then until going direct on Feb. 23, 2024. This retrograde transit is a time of redirecting your passion, and energy and taking more time for intentional actions rather than rushed or impulsive ones. Mars retrograde in Leo heightens the ego, and some power struggles could play out.
Venus going direct in Leo opposite sign the following day until Jan. 2, will help balance this energy out a lot, and the key over the next few months is to consider other’s heart and perspective as well as your own.
We have a Full Moon in Gemini on Dec. 15 and Mercury goes direct the same day, and this is when things start to get interesting this month. Breakthroughs are occurring, old chapters are disappearing, and gratitude is strong. Capricorn Season officially begins on Dec. 21, and we are able to ground the energy we have been developing this month. Capricorn Season highlights your ambitions, successes, and sense of abundance and tradition. This is a beautiful time to work on the things that matter to you and to feel some more support in your life.
Chiron goes direct in Aries on Dec. 29 after being retrograde here since the end of July, and old wounds are healing. With Chiron now direct in this fire sign, something is empowering about the lessons we have learned this year and a sense of personal growth that is heartening. Before December ends, we have another New Moon, highlighting the new paths we are walking into right now.
The New Moon in Capricorn is on Dec. 30, and it is the second Capricorn New Moon of the year, and dreams are becoming a reality. Think back to January of this year and what you were intending for yourself and your life, as these same themes are manifesting for you again, but this time, you have more wisdom, support, and stability to receive them.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what December has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
December is an adventurous month for you, and you are feeling the self-empowerment in your life, Aries. Things are moving forward for you right now and with the Sun in your 9th house of adventure for most of December and a New Moon here on the first day of the month, you are seeking more freedom and personal development right now. You are expanding your world, having fun, and doing what makes sense for you.
Your ruling planet Mars goes retrograde on Dec. 6 for the next couple of months, and you are learning more about your passions, direction, and where you want to put more energy into your life. This is the time to be more patient with creative and romantic experiences and to trust the process more. Chiron goes direct in your sign before the month ends on Dec. 29, and your heart is healing. With Chiron now direct you are feeling emotionally enlivened and transformed as you end the year.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
This month is a coming together in love, and a new beginning for you within your close relationships, Taurus. Venus enters your 10th house of success, recognition, and reputation on Dec. 7, and you are feeling the connection and support in your life. Your efforts are being encouraged, and you are being well-received exactly as you are showing up today. With the Sun also in an area of your life that has to do with love, intimacy, and resources, you are gaining a lot of clarity on the different relationship dynamics in your life, and feeling a lot of growth here.
Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in fellow earth sign, Capricorn, and you are ending the year on a high note. This New Moon is a great time to set your intentions and manifest your dreams for the next year and you are feeling especially hopeful as you end 2024. Don’t be afraid to take calculated risks during this time, as it’s about thinking big right now and expanding your horizons.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
We enter the month we have a New Moon in your opposite sign, meaning love is being activated for you this month. This is a good time to think about the new paths your heart is walking on right now, and to know that your perspective on it all is going to determine how things play out for you. Gratitude is the attitude this month, and it’s all about focusing on the things you can control, rather than what you can’t.
Mid-December is an important time for you, Gemini. There is a Full Moon in Gemini happening on this day, and Mercury goes direct. You are feeling more in tune and balanced with what is happening in your life and around you, and are feeling a new sense of security between your personal goals and your relationship needs. You are getting the closure you have needed and it’s helping you let go of what has not been serving you or your heart.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
Things are picking up for you this month, Cancer. You are moving forward freely, taking new opportunities into your hands, and feeling courageous. With the Sun in your 6th house of health, work life, lifestyle, and daily routine, and a New Moon here on the first day of the month, your responsibilities may be heightened this month but you have the energy and passion within you to get things done right now. You are feeling encouraged to succeed, and are moving into a time of success in December.
Mercury goes direct on Dec. 15, and this will bring more ease and communication within your work life, and you will feel more heard and seen than you may have been these past few weeks while Mercury was in retrograde. On Dec. 30, a New Moon in Capricorn is happening, and you are leaving the year feeling a breakthrough occur for you in love. A lot of this month and this year you have needed to focus more on yourself and your dreams, but as you close out 2024, you are ready to let some more people into your world.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
This month is all about balancing your priorities, Leo. Only take on what you feel you can handle right now, and don’t burn yourself out before your dreams come to fruition. Mars goes retrograde in your sign from Dec. 6 until Jan. 6, and there is a lot to process emotionally and personally right now. You may be feeling some power struggles in your life during this time, and it’s about owning your power without trying to force or control outcomes.
With Venus entering your house of love on Dec. 7 until 2025, don’t forget that you have support in your life, and lean on people when you need to. It’s okay to ask for help, and this month, you may need to reach out. The Full Moon in Gemini on Dec. 15, is a great time to be with friends, and your community, and to take note of the dreams that have come to fruition for you this year. There is a lot to be grateful for as the year ends, remember to focus on the gifts of that.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
December is a new beginning for you, Virgo. You have found your stability, and are feeling confident on the ground you are walking on right now. New beginnings, experiences, and opportunities are more likely for you in the home, and there is a lot of excitement in your world right now. The New Moon on the 1st is a great time to set your intentions for your home life, foundations, family, and inner well-being.
Neptune goes direct in your 7th house of love after being retrograde here since the summer, and your relationships are receiving more understanding, clarity, and hope. You are experiencing a coming together in your life that is making you feel more self-secure and stable as you walk into the new year. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct on Dec. 15 as well after being in retrograde these past few weeks, and the seeds you have planted are ready to bloom. The feeling of uneasiness or uncertainty is leaving your life this month, as things clear up for you in your private and personal life.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
You are feeling all the feels this month, Libra. Emotions are heightened, but so is your intuition, and you are seeking truths. This is a great month for communication matters, for figuring things out, and for connecting through the heart. On Dec. 7, Venus enters your 5th house of romance, and you are ready for some more fun in love. Your love life is an area of your life where you feel more confident and emotionally in tune as you end the year, and there is a lot to look forward to here this month.
On Dec. 15, we have a Full Moon in fellow air sign, Gemini, and culminations are occurring and helping you see things in a new light. This Full Moon is bringing things full circle within the mind, and this is a good time to gain some guidance, renew, and mentally heal. The New Moon before the month ends on Dec. 30 is about creating breakthroughs in the home and with your close loved ones, and your focus should be on what you want to manifest in this area of your life for the next year.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
December is all about patience, Scorpio. This is the time of the year when you should focus on rest, letting things come to you, and trusting the divine timing of your life. With the Sun in your 2nd house of income for most of the month, and a New Moon here on the 1st, new developments are happening for you financially, but you may need some time to fully accept, grasp, and understand them. It’s about nurturing your dreams, and not doubting them right now.
Mars, one of your ruling planets, goes retrograde mid-month, and this is bringing things to a head within career matters. This is your time to refocus your ambitions, redefine how you want to show up and what you want to be known for, and let opportunities come to you. Mercury goes direct a week later, and this is even further clearing things up for you when it comes to your security in life, and you can attain more success, wealth, and assets moving forward. Overall, December is a big month for you financially, and a key moment in understanding the importance of patience and trust.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
Trust your intuition this month. It’s your season, beautiful, Sag, and you are feeling the synergy and fulfillment in your life. You have grown in so many ways this year and your wisdom and knowledge are inspiring others. This month is all about standing in your empowerment, owning what you know, and moving yourself forward. The light is shining on you, and you are manifesting success and beauty in your world.
Mercury has been retrograde in your sign since Nov. 25, and will finally go direct on the 15th. This is doing wonders for your soul, your goals, and the new beginnings you are seeking, and you are mentally feeling a lot more clear-headed now. A Full Moon in Gemini is happening on the same day, activating your heart space, and it’s all about balancing what you know with what you feel. Trust that what is blooming in your life is meant for you and that what isn’t meant for you, won’t become.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
Things are getting exciting for you in December, Capricorn. You are one of the stars of the show this month, and you are overcoming the past in major ways. Venus enters Aquarius on Dec. 7, and this is bringing love and protection into your finances, values, and self-confidence in life. This is a great time for seeing manifestations bloom for you in love as well, and also for investing in yourself more. Mercury goes direct in your 7th house of romance and partnership mid-month, and this is even further helping you feel a lot more supported and in harmony than you have been feeling recently.
Capricorn Season officially begins on Dec. 21, and it’s your time to shine and move forward, beautiful! You have fewer restrictions and obstacles towards your new beginnings and are entering 2025 at full speed. Before we close out the year the second New Moon in Capricorn occurs on Dec. 30, and you are proving to yourself the power of your mind and what you have created for yourself. This is a great month for feeling empowered, independent, and successful overall.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
Life is coming to fruition for you in magnificent ways this month, Aquarius. You are feeling fulfilled, loved, and accomplished and you have risen above the mess. The Sun is in your 11th house of friendship for most of this month, and this is a good time to connect with the people who understand and support you and to take the time to feel gratitude for this area of your life. Mars goes retrograde in your 7th house of love on Dec. 6, and dynamics will be changing for you within your relationships over the next few months, so having balance here and trying to focus more on what does work rather than what doesn’t, is needed.
Venus enters Aquarius on the 7th, and this is when you are going to feel a lot more of the sweetness that this month is bringing into your life. Support is coming in, and you are being reminded how loved you are. On Dec. 15, there is a Full Moon in your house of romance happening as well, and your heart is the focus. The closures and conclusions you have been seeking are coming to the forefront, and you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that you deserve good love, Aquarius.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
December is all about being hopeful, Pisces. Gifts and opportunities come to you when you need them, and finding your stability and self-assurance amid change is needed right now. Right as the month begins, there is a New Moon in your 10th house of career and aspirations, and there is a lot to look forward to. This is a good time to set your intentions for your professional world and social life and to seek new opportunities and connections here.
Neptune, one of your ruling planets, goes direct on the 7th after being retrograde in Pisces since this summer, and your heart can breathe a little better now. Any confusion you have been feeling regarding what you want for yourself and your life is clearing up for you now, and your hope for it all is healing. On Dec. 15, a Full Moon in your 4th house of stability occurs, and this is going to help you feel more grounded through the midst of change that you are currently in in your life.
Remind yourself often this month, that all is well, and everything is working in your favor.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole