There was a time in my life when I didn’t want children. A couple of things occurred to make me eventually change my mind, however. One, I was determined to prove I would never be the parent I had, at least not the woeful parts of them that I came to resent. And two, I started to get older and holidays with my family stopped feeling familiar. After that, I would come to talk about my future children with so much conviction that I even had their names together. They say words are spells, and for three years every time I spoke, I would make comments about wanting a baby and my willingness to raise my baby alone.
Now that I am pregnant, I know without a doubt I manifested my (unborn) baby and the circumstances attached. Surely, it doesn’t take much to manifest a pregnancy but as someone who was perpetually single and celibate leading up to my pregnancy (irony at its finest), I did have to manifest the man and so many of the other details. On the off chance that I would not be able to find a worthy partner, it had been written into my five-year plan to use a sperm donor. The idea was appealing but it required far more patience than I could muster.
In this new world, why would I wait for a man to do anything? Coming from a space of hyper-independence, it just seemed counterintuitive.
And suddenly, my eighth-grade sweetheart came back into my life (an everlasting on-again, off-again relationship). I had little to no idea about the kind of father he was, yet I plotted, planned, and penned. I wrote his name and our child’s name in a manifestation journal when circumstances separated him and I yet again – even created a manifestation playlist to bring him back into my life.
Equally determined and naive, I said in the worst-case scenario I would get a sperm donor for free – not realizing the emotional attachment that would immediately be present. My baby was far from unplanned. I told my boyfriend from the moment that we reconnected that he should take precautions if he didn’t want another child because I had no intention of practicing birth control.
To share my success in doing any of this, allow me to offer you this perspective: I’m five months pregnant and I’ve been celibate for the past two months.
Prior to us rekindling our friendship and subsequently our fling, I encountered many red flags that I ultimately chose to ignore regarding my partner. However, it required getting pregnant for me to acknowledge and then honor the part of me that knew I had to be done with the romantic aspect of our relationship. Upon finding out I was pregnant, I immediately felt so responsible for this little baby who wasn’t even a full fetus yet.
He deserved a full family but he also deserved parents who were going to protect him from unnecessary trauma – only one of us, me, even had the wherewithal to recognize trauma, so naturally, the duty had fallen squarely on me. And while some days were good, others looked like doors slamming and me being cussed out for purchasing the wrong blunt wrappers.
Despite the fact that I had been less inclined to have sex with my boyfriend, had been sleeping on the couch, and had even begun seeing other people – I spent the first three months of my pregnancy attempting to envision us as a family.
Well aware that a baby doesn’t make any relationship easier, I took to deep prayer and delusion, hoping that the instances of verbal and emotional abuse were one-offs. That his temper was a result of my wrongdoing rather than his inability to seek out help for his own trauma. Ultimately, the maternal instinct to keep my child safe by all means eventually outweighed my desire for my baby boy to know what it was to be a family.
Behavior that I had previously tolerated quickly became intolerable.
Now wearing my new bulging belly as a metaphorical scarlet letter, I’m obviously on ice until my little seed comes into this world and then some. But most of all, I’ve come to realize that as much as I already love my baby, he was the result of manifesting with unhealed trauma. I had to acknowledge that my hyper-independence is both a superpower and debilitating kryptonite at best and a trauma response at worst.
As a Black young woman who has seen so many Black women before me do it – no matter the hardship – I knew it was more than possible because I had already seen the impossible be done. I knew I had, at the very least, positioned myself slightly better than the women of past years with their unplanned pregnancies. In hindsight, I see how so many of the decisions I made were selfish but I’ve done my best to make peace with that for now. As some wise person once said, “Worrying only means you’ll suffer twice.”
One thing that I know to be true is that one day, and sooner than I imagine, I will have to answer to my son about why I chose so sorely wrong when it came to his father – in one way or another – this topic will come up. Unfortunately, that is also a trauma that is familiar to me.
Though nothing can prepare me for that day, I’ve already begun the process of accountability while also giving myself grace because I know I will one day have to answer to my little boy and maybe even again when he’s a grown man. I hope, if nothing else, my son will show me grace for leaving when I did as opposed to staying for a lifetime as penance for my initial decision to bring life into this world with such a waste-of-space man in the face of all the signs.
As for now, I recognize how powerful words and thoughts are more than ever before. With that knowledge, I’m determined to manifest the lifestyle that both my baby boy and I truly deserve.
I'm determined to manifest the world.
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For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
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When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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HBCU Excellence: Cait The Great & Tasha McCaskiel Reflect on Legacy, Growth, & the Power of Homecoming
When you’re the Best In Class, the journey to homecoming hits differently.
For Florida A&M University’s Caitlyn K. Davis, also known as Cait The Great, and North Carolina A&T University’s Tasha McCaskiel, returning to the yard is much more than a party; it is proof that an HBCU homecoming is a rite of passage.
Both women showcase Black women's impact on the world through their platforms. As a mega influencer, Davis takes pride in curating a brand representing brown-skinned Black women in spaces that don’t always cater to them. From partnerships with Nike to sharing affordable fashion finds on Amazon, she’s on a mission to empower people who look like her.
No stranger to the same ideation, McCaskiel launched Black Girls in Media to prevent the erasure of women like herself as they climb the ranks within the media landscape. It all started at their respective HBCUs.
“I would say homecoming as someone who went to an HBCU is really just a big moment of reflection,” McCaskiel tells xoNecole.
“You’re able to go on campus and think about where you were when you attended that university, and then to go back and just sit in your growth as a person, career-wise, and then to reconnect with all these people you went through that journey on,” she continues.
“It’s just a really good feeling. It’s so nostalgic. It’s fun and reassuring, comforting, all those things. It’s the best time, and just makes you love being Black and makes you proud of where you come from.”
Tasha McCaskiel
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“An HBCU homecoming to me essentially means family reunion, having a good time, creating new memories, seeing people you haven’t seen in years, looking at your old stomping ground where you used to take classes, where you used to stay, and just having a good time with the people you love,” Davis adds.
“Celebrating the number one HBCU, Florida A&M University, as someone whose business essentially started on campus was basically a liaison from FAMU that spoke to multiple HBCUs through clothing is everything.”
Homecoming is also a chance to represent your school to the fullest, argue about who is the best, or even crash the yard for another homecoming. It’s an annual holiday, but the HBCU homecoming is also about shining a light on the place where it all started.
“Every chance I get, I advocate for HBCUs, and I strongly believe, when it comes to HBCUs, it’s all about exposure,” Davis says. “A lot of kids are not exposed to HBCUs even though through recent advocacy that brands are doing now to shine a light on HBCUs, I still feel like it’s really important for content creators and anybody to advocate for HBCUs.”
As the person behind the design of Nike’s Florida A&M University Nike Dunk Lows, Davis has an affinity to all historically Black colleges and universities. Still, her love for her alma mater runs deep, especially since it is the very place that fostered her knack for creating content and learning to be self-sufficient in her work as a self-made businesswoman.
Launched in 2020, the Nike Yardrunners is an annual campaign celebrating HBCUs and their impact on culture and style. In 2022, Davis, alongside women from Tennessee State, Clark Atlanta, and North Carolina University, would design shoes that transform the popular Nike dunks into those representing their respective schools.
McCaskiel echoed the sentiment of ensuring that HBCUs are at the forefront when it comes to exposure, noting that her love for her community inspired her to launch Black Girls in Media, a platform committed to ensuring that women in the industry are exposed to the opportunities, resources, and skills needed to thrive in the space.
“Going to an HBCU and being surrounded by people who look like me and then going to grad school at New York University, which is just a lot more diverse, once I graduated, I kind of lost that sense of community,” she explains. “That’s what made me start Black Girls in Media. The full circle moment is that I always wanted to carry that culture throughout my career.”
When she launched Black Girls in Media in 2018, McCaskiel was on a mission to empower the women in the industry. Working in the space, she noticed the lack of people who looked like her and realized that the stories and experiences of Black women weren't adequately represented. What began as a group chat has now grown into a platform providing thousands of opportunities to a network of over 90,000 people worldwide.
Caitlyn K. Davis
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Both women understand the microscope they are often under in the real world as Black women. They also reflect how attending HBCUs instilled in them a confidence that's only possible to achieve by being in an environment where students, faculty, staff, and even leaders look like them.
It's why their respective brands constantly push the needle for representation forward.
“When I think of legacy, I just think of impact,” says McCaskiel. “When we’re no longer here, the people who have left legacies, whatever they do continues long after they’re gone, and that’s what I aim to do on a personal and a career level.”
“I just want to inspire people to lead by being yourself and following things you truly enjoy. I will always advocate for HBCUs, and that’s me. That’s who I am, but just living in your truth and being that girl from the inside out,” Davis adds.
As part of xoNecole’s Best in Class series for 2024, Caitlyn “Cait the Great” Davis and Tasha McCaskiel are perfect examples of using their platforms to uplift and inform the culture around HBCUs.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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