For the second time this week, my husband and I walked out of the bedroom celebrating like we just received a huge income tax return.
As of late, our sex life has been insane, and we owe this newfound feeling to a pod-shaped product that I've been using to help improve my kegel exercises. It's called Elvie, and thanks to this new vagina personal training gadget, I've been having the most explosive orgasms ever. In Life.
They were better than my wedding night orgasms.
They were 10 times better than the one orgasm I gave myself when Tyrese sang "Stairway To Heaven" at the 2009 BET Awards honoring The O'Jays.
I first heard about Elvie after reading an article on Forbes about women's wearable tech toys. After reading so many positive reviews about it, I decided to give Elvie a try. I'm ending the year with trying to enhance my overall health, as well as planning for another child, so I could easily see my doctor being happy about me improving my pelvic floor muscles.
Before I confirmed my order, I waited for about a week to make sure that I really wanted to go through with it. In that time frame, I incorporated more kegels during my regular exercise routine for free-ninety-nine. After doing some research, it dawned on me that I could possibly be doing my kegels incorrectly. If I have a gadget that tracks my kegel exercises, this is an investment that my doctor would probably appreciate. The app tracks how strong your muscles are, and I could show her my results during my Well Woman exams, and she's always happy to incorporate those things in my medical record.
I confirmed my order, and waited for my package to arrive. As soon as it came across my doorstep, I regretted ordering it. I actually waited about three hours before opening the package.
You can't return the product if it doesn't work (obviously because you put it in your vagina). Knowing this made me feel a sense of buyers remorse. I started to feel a little better about it once I realized that Elvie must be a superior gadget if the company doesn't have a return policy. Plus, the company will replace your unit if it is broken.
Lawd have mercy, I'm so glad that I was right! I came out of the bedroom this morning cheering for my husband like his name was Hercules. My body was rocked, and my boots were knocked!
Elvie makes kegel exercises more fun than mindlessly tightening your cha-cha muscles to a strip club anthem in your chair. It's an egg shaped pod that uses sensors to track your muscle movement while you do your kegel exercises. The pod is made of medical grade, waterproof silicon, and could easily fit in the palm of your hand.
In case you are unaware, kegel exercises are the rhythmic clenching an unclenching of the 
pubococcygeus (PC) muscles, which holds your pelvic organs in place and controls urine flow. But
according to Cosmo, a strong set of PC muscles can also improve your orgasms.
They're the muscles responsible for the contractions you feel during climax. Though Kegel exercises don't actually tighten your vagina, they tone and strengthen your vaginal muscles, boosting your arousal. They also cause a tighter grip during intercourse and more intense contractions during orgasm because more blood gets sent to your below-the-belt region.
Since I've been married, I've had great sex, and amazing orgasms with my husband. But I never realized that it could be better than what it already was. Here I thought that I reached the zenith of my married sex life, and I was wrong. Boy am I so happy to be wrong.
This little tech toy packs one hell of a punch, and it's great for women who feel "loose" in their nether regions after giving birth, pregnant women, or a any woman who just wants a good "coochie snapback." Like one writer says, Elvie is kind of like a Fit Bit for your vagina.
This is how it works: while you exercise your PC muscles, the sensors in your Elvie are relayed via Bluetooth to your smartphone, and generates an LV score. The stronger the kegels, the higher the score.
You insert the pod into your vagina, and do your kegel exercises while the gem tracks your progress on your smartphone.
Elvie is priced at $199, and trust me when I tell you that this award-winning device is worth every cent. You'll never look at kegel exercises the same way again. Here's why.
1. THE PACKAGING IS AMAZING
When I finally cracked open my parcel box, I was immediately impressed with the cute, mint green packaging. Inside, I found a plastic tube with the pod inside. After using it for several weeks, I realized that the plastic tube that holds your Elvie is amazing by itself. I can throw it in my purse, and use it when I want to do my kegal exercises outside of my home.
The plastic tubing is important, because you use it to charge your Elvie with a USB cord when your power is low.
The hole at the end of the "Elvie" logo in the photo above is how you charge your device.
2. IT'S VERY EASY TO USE
After I downloaded the app from the App Store, I filled out a short profile and began my exercises. I inserted the pod in my vagina (with the tail hanging out), and started squeezing the ball using only my pelvic muscles to move the gem. Each training session starts this way in order to ensure that your Elvie is properly connected to your smartphone. If the gem moves, you're good to begin training.
As you squeeze the pod, a gem appears again on your smartphone screen, which is reflective of how hard you are squeezing in real time. The object is to keep the gem above the line, and as you can see, my muscles are pretty weak in that region.
As your PC muscles get stronger, you advance from beginner exercises to intermediate or advanced levels of the "game." These exercises are also great for your lower tummy and back. Since I've started running again, I've noticed that I've been experiencing lower back pain, and Elvie has been a great help in correcting that.
If you're wondering how often you should use it, I stuck with my physician's orders. Doctors suggest that women do at least three sets of 10 kegel exercises three times per day for about five minutes. All women should do kegels, including pregnant women. The American Pregnancy Association suggests that pregnant women do kegels to help control their muscles during labor and delivery. Studies show that pregnant women who perform kegel exercises have easier child births.
To be clear, while the manufacturers of Elvie suggests that pregnant women use the product, they recommend that they use it during their second trimester.
On another note, the fun part about doing Elvie exercises is that you can do them either sitting or standing, and it's kind of neat that Elvie can tell whether you're doing either. It is also great that I am able to watch Netflix and use my Elvie alone in my crib, while feeling like I'm accomplishing a good workout.
3. IT'S EASY TO WASH AND CHARGE
After you're finished with your kegels, all you have to do is rinse your pod in the sink, and put it back in your tube to charge.
My Elvie charges way faster than my iPhone, which I find very convenient. I can use it right before "Netflix and chill" night, which guarantees me some amazing sex while Narcos plays in the background.
4. THE BENEFITS ARE AMAZING
I tried to use Elvie for a week straight before having intercourse with my husband again, but that didn't work out too well. We ended up making love my fourth time using it, and Lord have mercy...my sex experience was so much more enjoyable. The contractions from my orgasm rushed through my body like El Chapo escaping prison. If I had been drinking, it would have been a spiritual experience.
My husband is amazed by the device and said that he's definitely noticed there was more "tread on the tire". Who would have known that this Fit Bit-like gadget would make so much of a difference in my sex life in such a short period of time (I've been using it almost ten days)? Either my PC muscles are weak, or Elvie is just a fantastic device.
It definitely gets my certified stamp of approval.
If $199 sounds a bit steep, there is a very similar device available for a fraction of the cost for women who are looking to strengthen their pelvic floor (especially after having kids.) You can purchase the Kegal Exerciser with App & Vibration on Amazon for $65 bucks. And the reviews are even better than the Elvie! Thank me later.
- Keep Your Vagina Tight & Right - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Have Different Types Of Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Have More Intense Orgasms During Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy