I remember the day the world stood still for me.
My husband got a new phone and as always he gave me his old phone as a hand me down. At the time that he gave me the phone, I guess the invention of totally wiping out all data from a phone's memory had not been created because I found a weird file. Of course I opened the file and I swear I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds before suddenly racing at 100mph.
I saw the MOST inappropriate discussions between my husband and some woman!
It was clear she did not live in our state, but the discussions held between the two displayed a familiarity with each other. It didn't exude a sexual familiarity, rather exchanges suggesting they were emotionally comfortable with each other. I remember thinking if the conversations were frivolous and centered around sex, I would have felt better. Still hurt. Still betrayed. Still distraught, but better. I still can't relive the details, but I'll just say it was clear that they filled an emotional need for one another.
Within an hour of discovering their texts, I had the chick's name, phone number, occupation, residential and employment history. My opinion of her was that she was an immensely lonely woman that was so desperate for male interaction. (Sidebar, I didn't confront her. Ladies, please never call another woman and give her the pleasure of knowing she's a center of controversy in your home. But that's a future blog). After intense reflection on my marriage and counseling, I realized the woman on the other end of that text was not the only lonely person; I later discovered my husband was an immensely lonely man desperate for female interaction as well.
The third year of marriage was extremely tough for me. My youngest daughter was one-year-old and I was still adjusting to being a mother of two, which was hard since I was an only child and my girls have a five-year age difference. Besides motherhood, my new post-baby body created insecurities in myself that I never knew could exist. I recall times when my husband would tell me how beautiful he thought I was and I would interrupt him and spend a few moments highlighting my flaws.
Work was also wearing me down. I went from maternity leave straight back to work on a high profile project. My days were very long and I was drained. If I wasn't at work, I was at the gym or running my oldest daughter to her after school activities. By the time I got home I was completely drained. (I remember waking up in random places in the middle of the night…the middle of my closet after passing out looking for something to wear the next day, the edge of my daughter's bed after putting her to sleep, etc.). I knew my stress levels were high and that my hectic life was getting to me. I thought it would be okay since my work situation was temporary due to my project, but I had no idea of the impact my temporary insanity had on my marriage.
I had no idea of the impact my temporary insanity had on my marriage.
I felt like me and my husband communicated all the time. Later I realized I was doing all the talking—constant complaints about my demanding job were wearing on my husband. As you can imagine, I was always irritable and snappy. Too tired for intimacy and too cranky for spontaneity, I had no clue that I was creating emotional havoc and a void in my marriage. I spent my weekends making up for lost time with my kids and balancing their activity schedules, but I didn't do anything extra to assure I remained connected with my husband.
He made the biggest mistake in the world and never communicated his feelings to me. He assumed I realized the distance and he thought I could care less. His emotional affair initially put our marriage in severe jeopardy. I immediately thought, oh hell no! There's no coming back and we're done! After three years of marriage, I was planning my marital exit strategy.
After a few talks, I agreed to go to counseling.
I figured the counselor was going to let him have it. I wanted him to know exactly how much he hurt me. To my surprise I was in the hot seat and was being called out to stop playing the victim and get to the root of the issues.
I don't take any blame for his actions, but I do take 100% blame for his feelings because I can honestly say that I created that environment. My husband was wrong for what he did and his actions to find fulfillment almost destroyed us. But, the irony in his infidelity was that it didn't break us, it actually made us stronger.
Despite all the information I learned about the other woman, today I don't even remember her name. She was merely a symbol of a much greater issue far beyond anything or anyone outside of our marriage can create. For me, it took way longer to move beyond the fact that my husband didn't feel secure about coming to me with his feelings vs. his indiscretion.
Today, my husband is more than capable of expressing his feelings and understands that holding back just to avoid temporary conflict was very unfair to me and did not give me the opportunity to at least recognize and correct my actions. As for me, I am a much more aware wife. I'm a go-getter so I still put a lot of effort in professional success, but I am so much better at balancing my life and at the end of the day, my family comes first. Our marriage will never be perfect—nothing in life is—but we're committed to each other and our marriage and we're not easily broken!
I hear so many women say that cheating is a deal breaker. I can certainly understand that sentiment because moving past the hurt is beyond difficult, but every situation is different. If you can honestly say that you give 110% to your marriage and that you unequivocally fulfill your spouse's needs and he strays, then leaving may be something to strongly consider for the man that seems impossible to satisfy despite your efforts! But I can honestly say I was not that wife and I have to make a conscious effort (every day) to be that wife.
If you are currently in the situation I was, before making any irrational decisions, you may want to review, reassess and then revitalize your marriage before calling it quits! Our situation forced me to stop only looking at him and to shift my focus to take the steps to become more aware of myself. Had I not taken those steps, I wouldn't be the Happy Wife I am today.
_______________________________
Rhea Plummer is the founder and Executive Director of Fab Wives, a community of wives committed to love & marriage
Rhea's personal mission is to inspire wives by providing a raw and honest look into marriage through the stories shared on fabwives.com
The primary goals for Fab Wives are to reclaim the perception of modern day marriage and provide resources to assist wives in balancing the many acts associated with marriage in the new millennium.
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Eldest Daughter Syndrome had its viral moment online last year, and for good reason. The term gave language to the silent pressures so many eldest daughters tend to carry as a result of their birth order. Beyond that very needed conversation, birth order as a whole can offer insight into not only our traits and tendencies, but also how we show up in life, love, and even our work.
Below, we’re breaking down the traits most commonly associated with each birth order. Keep reading to learn what your birth order might say about you.
If you are the oldest...
Let's be real, being the firstborn often comes with a lot of responsibility. And it's usually not by choice. From early on, they’re the ones who set the tone, carry the weight, and take on the title of "the responsible one." Because of that, they often grow into reliable, high-achieving adults. But the pressure of being "the blueprint" and the one to "lead by example" can also be a heavy burden to bear.
Oldest child traits may look like:
- Natural leaders that take charge even when they didn’t mean to (read: she's bossy, but keeping it cute)
- High standards (for yourself and everyone else)
- Motivated, goal-oriented, and always chasing that next accomplishment
- Reliable and conscientious
- Perfectionist tendencies that can lead to burnout
- Struggles with being controlling or micromanaging
- Often cautious, craving stability over spontaneity
- Finds it hard to rest or ask for help
If you are the middle child...
Season 2 Netflix GIF by Gilmore Girls GiphyIn the grand scheme of the birth order lineup, the middle child can be the quiet MVPs. As the child who falls in the order "in-between," they’re used to being the one who keeps the peace while also fighting to stand out. But being the “in-between” can also mean feeling overlooked or forgotten. In some families, especially ones with toxic dynamics, the middle child may even take on the role of the "black sheep," while their siblings are seen as the golden children. Still, despite (or maybe because of) that, middle children tend to thrive socially and can read a room like the back of their hand.
Middle child traits may include:
- Top-tier peacemakers who can smooth over almost any situation
- Adaptable and easygoing (even when they’re lowkey screaming inside)
- Often feel overlooked or like they have to do the most to be seen
- People-pleasers who put everyone else first
- Social butterflies and community-minded, with strong friendships outside the family
- Can be rebellious when they feel boxed in
- Thrive when they’re allowed to define success on their own terms
- The ultimate go-between, translating vibes between generations, personalities, and moods
If you are the youngest...
Season 1 Ff GIF by FreeformGiphyThe baby of the family walks through life knowing how to charm, persuade, and perform. They often grow up with more freedom and fewer expectations, which fuels their adventurous and carefree side. But that same freedom can sometimes lead to entitlement, or a tendency to seek validation by being the "fun one."
Youngest child traits might include:
- Social butterflies who light up a room and don’t mind the spotlight
- Natural charmers, funny, flirtatious, and usually down for anything
- Can be a little self-centered or attention-seeking (but you still love them for it)
- Tend to keep things uncomplicated… unless they’re not getting their way
- Known to be manipulative when trying to get what they want
- Free-spirited and bold in their choices
- Often underestimated, but capable of big things when they focus
- Thrive in spaces that let them express, explore, and be a little extra
If you are the only child...
High School Drama GIF by HBO MaxGiphyOnly children can be the ultimate "one woman show" as they are often a mix of all the birth orders rolled into one. Without siblings, they learn to entertain themselves, advocate for their needs, and navigate adult conversations early. That independence can make them magnetic, mature, and deeply introspective, but it also comes with a deep craving for validation and control.
Only child traits can include:
- Mature and wise beyond their years, often viewed as old souls
- Conscientious and responsible, usually the go-to person in their circle
- Seek approval and validation more than they let on
- Natural leaders with big ideas and even bigger plans
- Can be sensitive and deeply affected by criticism
- Prefer structure, routines, and control (sometimes to a fault)
- Like things done their way (and don’t love compromising)
- Thrive in solitude but still want to feel seen and celebrated
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by KALA STUDIO/Getty Images