If you’ve ever wondered why it’s more humid during this time of the year, the answer is pretty simple: the hotter the weather is, the easier it is for moisture to be trapped in it. As a result, it can feel hotter than it actually is outdoors, and it can be easier to sweat and our hair? Chile, our hair.
Even though our hair texture can benefit from humidity (because it’s naturally drier than other ethnicities), if our strands swell up from the moisture too much, that can result in strands that are full of frizz. Why? Because moisture makes our cuticles open up, and frizz is what they oftentimes look like whenever they do.
Does this mean that you have to surrender to an entire season of styling frustration? Absolutely not. Now that you know what can sometimes cause more than a few so-called bad hair days during the summertime, here are 15 ways to either cause humidity to work in your favor or to combat it in ways that are stress-free yet super effective.
1. Remember, Moisture Reduces Breakage
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If you’re someone who struggles with your hair plateauing (which basically means it seems to stop at a certain point as are as retaining length is concerned), a big part of that is probably because your ends are breaking off about as fast as your hair is growing out of your scalp — and that could be due to a lack of moisture.
So, why is it that our hair finds a way to feel like straw faster than any other ethnicity? It’s because our texture tends to be much curlier, and so, even though natural oils from our scalp come down our hair strands too, oftentimes they don’t get coated from root to tip due to our coils. As a result, we have to add extra moisture via hair products.
Again, the good news is that humidity can help to add some hydration to our stands as well. This is why, while super humid days can cause “other folks” to have really frizzy hair (because it’s already well-moisturized), oftentimes our curly texture is thriving; it’s been wanting to receive some of the water that the air has to offer. The key is to follow through on some of these other tips so that the curls don’t get out of control (via frizz).
2. Don’t Be Afraid of Humectants
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Since I have mostly 4a-type hair and it’s high porosity, I have to be hypervigilant about keeping moisture in my hair. For instance, if I know that I’m going to keep it in, say, cornrows for a while, I’ll add a humectant, whether it’s glycerin or a DIY spray that has some honey in it. Why? Because they’re both humectants which basically means they are ingredients that are able to pull moisture out of the air and into our hair (and skin).
Some other healthy humectants that are pretty effective include aloe vera gel, hyaluronic acid, panthenol, lactic acid, and oats. According to some hair experts, even cucumbers can hydrate your hair. Like, if you apply a homemade cucumber hair mask as a final step on wash day, it can be great for your hair until it’s time to shampoo and condition it again.
Just mix the puree of one cucumber with an egg and your favorite carrier oil (olive or Jamaican black castor oil are both awesome), and then apply it to damp, clean hair. Let it sit for 20 minutes, and then rinse out thoroughly with warm and then cool water. You will instantly feel (and notice) a difference.
3. Make Grapeseed Oil Your Friend
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A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled “7 Essential Oils All Naturalistas Need For Their Hair.” If you want to get the most out of those, it’s a good idea to add them to a carrier oil like olive, sweet almond, avocado, jojoba, or grapeseed oil.
As far as grapeseed specifically goes, it’s loaded with antioxidants and vitamin E that work to reduce oxidative stress, fight off free radicals, improve blood circulation to your scalp, and moisturize your hair without it feeling greasy.
Something else that’s in grapeseed oil is linoleic acid. It’s wonderful for your tresses because it has a way of smoothing down hair cuticles, adding hydration, and nourishing your hair follicles — and you know what all of this boils down to, right? A lot more curls and a lot less frizz.
So, whether you add a dab into your palm and rub it across your hair or you use it to break a cast of a braid-out or twist-out (more on those in a bit), grapeseed oil will have your hair looking and feeling quite wonderful all summer long.
4. Use Shea Butter on Your Ends
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Between the antioxidants, vitamins A and E, properties that protect from UV damage, and its ability to soothe and, to a certain extent, even heal dandruff — it makes all of the sense in the world to use shea butter on your hair. Although I personally apply it more on my face and lips, I’ve been getting more settled into applying it to my ends, whether it comes to sealing them or just making sure to give them some added moisture.
Matter of fact, there are scientific studies to support that shea butter is great at reducing breakage, especially in our hair. A big part of the reason is that it’s able to moisturize the oldest parts of our hair while also keeping our cuticles from getting totally out of control due to humidity.
Just make sure that you use the kind of shea butter that is in its best condition. Because it’s a product that is more commercialized than ever, when buying some, make sure that it has a strong nutty scent, that it ranges from off-white to yellow in hue, that it absorbs quickly into your skin, and that the merchant can confirm that it will last between 1-3 years. All of these are signs of a trustworthy shea butter product.
5. This Is When Braid-Outs and Twist-Outs Can Thrive
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I won’t lie — if you like having that bone-straight look (from flat ironing or silk pressing, if your hair happens to be natural), summer is not really the season to make that attempt. Although, I will say that Color Wow’s Dream Coat Anti-Humidity Hair Treatment can keep your locks smoother for longer, no matter what time of year it is. That said, in my opinion, if you want to wear your hair out, I recommend a braid-out or twist-out instead.
The key is to make sure that your hair is super detangled, that your braids or twists are hella defined, and that you go with something that is gel-based if you want to fight frizz as much as possible — although I will say that an influencer who has a YouTube channel called Only One Jess did put me onto one of the best hair creams that I have ever tried — mostly because I have experienced zero flaking with it. It’s called Taliah Waajid, and y’all…Y’ALL. If you want to try the cream, their curly cream (here) is gonna get and keep your hair super right — summertime included.
6. Shampoo in Cooler Water
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When it’s sizzling outside, probably nothing sounds better than a cool shower. And did you know that taking one does wonders for your hair? First up, it closes up the pores on your scalp, which helps to keep “gunk” (sweat, hair products, etc.) from clogging up your hair follicles. Since hot water can be dehydrating, cool water can also prevent dry scalp and dry hair. And, since it seals your hair’s cuticles, it’s another way to combat frizz — if indeed that is something that you’re trying to avoid. And when your cuticles are smooth, that means smoother and shinier hair.
By the way, while this topic is on my mind if you happen to live in a city that comes with hard water, that can do a number on your strands as well. One way to avoid it is to invest in a shower head that comes with a soft water filter. Amazon has a lot of different affordable options that you can choose from here.
7. Do an Apple Cider Vinegar Rinse
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The antimicrobial and antioxidant properties in apple cider vinegar make it something that you can rely on when it comes to a myriad of health-related needs. It helps to regulate your blood sugar, aids in weight loss, is used as a natural remedy for nail fungus, can relieve symptoms related to eczema, and may help to lower your cholesterol levels too.
As far as your hair’s health and well-being are concerned, the cool thing about apple cider vinegar is the properties in it can keep the pH balance in your hair and scalp where it should be, can remove product build-up from your hair, and can also help to smooth your cuticles — and that can give your hair lots of shine, no matter what the weather may be like.
8. Also, Do a Protein Treatment
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I hate how long it took me to take protein treatments seriously because once I did, I started to see a real change in the overall quality of my hair. Because your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin), of course, it’s something that you need in order to maintain the health and elasticity of it. This is especially the case if your ends experience a lot of wear and tear due to heat styling tools.
So, what are some signs that you could use a protein treatment ASAP?
- Your hair lacks flexibility
- Your hair doesn’t seem to hold any style
- Your hair sheds a lot
- Your hair is color-treated
- Your hair breaks easily
If any of this is happening, definitely add some protein to your hair. Personally, I use ApHogee Two-Step Protein Treatment every six weeks or so. Yet if you decide to go with it or something that is based in soy protein (it strengthens damaged hair), silk protein (it softens your tresses), rice protein (it’s great for a sensitive scalp), or any other protein option, just make sure to balance out your protein with your moisturizer. That way, you don’t make your hair too hard — because, even when it comes to protein, there is such a thing as “too much of a good thing.”
9. Use a Leave-In Conditioner
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When you have low porosity hair, what that basically means is your cuticles are lying very flat, which makes it hard for moisture to get into your hair strands. On the other hand, if you’re like me and you have high porosity hair, your cuticles are open and oftentimes have holes in them. As a result, your hair takes in moisture very easily, yet, on the flip side, the moisture tends to leave just as fast as it comes.
The solution? Well, one of the best ones is to use a leave-in conditioner. It will definitely help moisture to last in your hair a lot longer than just conditioning after shampooing does. There are plenty of leave-ins to choose from (Lord knows), and I’ve tried more than I care to count or mention. The one that has worked for me most and best is Mielle Organics' Pomegranate & Honey Leave-In Conditioner. It literally keeps my hair soft and moisturized for a week solid — and for my hair, that’s truly saying something.
10. Trim Those Ends
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While you’re out here thinking that you hate summer weather (as far as your hair goes) because it causes your hair to frizz up, make sure that you check those ends of yours first. If they are dry, split, or raggedy, that is going to be a bigger culprit to frizzing than humidity will ever be.
Yeah, this is a friendly reminder that it’s a good idea to start off the summer with a professional trim — or at least to do some dusting on your own with some sharp hair shears. Long story short, dusting is all about taking small sections of your hair and removing an inch or less (preferably) of bad ends from them. You can watch videos on dusting here, here, and here.
11. Enjoy Some Wash ‘N Gos
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So, what if you want to do something to your hair that requires as little effort as possible and is virtually fearless of how humid the weather may decide to be? If that is indeed the case, look no further than a wash ‘n go. It plays up on your hair’s natural texture and requires very little styling manipulation, the “cast” that the gel creates can help to protect your hair from extreme weather elements, and if you use something like the shingling method (here), you can get hella curl definition.
Click here, here, and here for tips on how to get the most out of your own DIY wash ‘n go look.
12. Accessorize the Entire Hell Outta Your Hair
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If you plan on spending a lot of time traveling, by some body of water, or simply in the great outdoors from dawn until dusk (or vice versa), who said that you need to worry about styling your hair all summer long? Indeed, another way to not fight the fear of humidity is to play up your hair’s look with the help of a few accessories.
Some of the ones that are trending this season include claw clips, small barrettes, beaded jewelry (like the gems that you see on braids and twists), large satin scarves, headwraps, and, believe it or not (whew, chile)…scrunchies.
13. Sleep with a Humidifier
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Personally, I’m a huge fan of humidifiers. So much, in fact, that I wrote an entire piece devoted to them a couple of years back (check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”). And why should you want one in your bedroom for your hair? Good question.
Just like a humidifier can bring moisture to your skin throughout the night, it can do the same thing for your tresses. So, if you happen to have an itchy and/or irritable scalp, your hair is high porosity, or your hair seems like it’s full of frizz due to dryness or hair damage from over-styling, the hydration from a humidifier can help to alleviate all of this.
14. If You MUST…Braids
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And what if you read all of this and you’re saying to yourself, “Yeah…I just don’t want to deal with my hair at all” — while I do think that this is the season when you can learn more about how to make your texture and humidity work in harmony, a styling alternative that is pretty much surefire is braids.
This season, some of the most popular looks include microbraids, goddess braids, cornrows, box braids that are in a bob, Fulani braids, Jayda Wayda braids, and peek-a-boo braids.
15. Never Treat Shrinkage As “Problematic”
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Whenever I read articles on the topic of shrinkage, it’s interesting how political some of them can get. While some have no problem using the word (I don’t), others think there is no such thing; some believe that wanting to stretch out strands means that there is some sort of subconscious shame surrounding our natural hair texture.
Maybe if other ethnicities didn’t go to great lengths to alter their own hair texture for the sake of variety when it comes to different hairstyles, I would see the point — yet since that isn’t even close to being the case, I don’t think that shrinkage is a bad word nor do I think that stretching out your curls is a bad thing. What makes Black hair so incomparable is the countless ways that we can manipulate it…and how good it looks with every method/approach that we take.
With all of that out of the way, I will say that if you want to go as low-maintenance as possible with your hair this summer and you don’t want to spend a lot of time overthinking what the weather is gonna do (or not do), please don’t factor shrinkage into the mix. There are too many products out here now that can bring the most out of your hair just the way it is, without any kind of stretching being done to it at all.
So, run some juices and berries, oils, creams, or gels, and then hit the door. It’s too beautiful outside to spend a ton of time on your hair or to be stressing out about humidity. Your hair is bomb regardless, so you got this. Happy Summer Styling Time, y'all!
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Featured image by MesquitaFMS/Getty Images
- Here's How To Prep Natural Hair Before Summer Starts ›
- The Natural Hair Products That Will Turn Your Curl Game Up A Notch ›
- The Hairstyles Naturalistas Herald As Their Go-Tos When It's Hot Out ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Money problems can do a number on our mental health, triggering anxiety, depression, and even substance abuse. Whether it’s the constant Russian roulette of living check to check, not earning enough to afford the basics, or drowning in credit card or student loan debt, the struggle is real for many.
And, according to the National Council On Aging, more than half of American women ages 25 and older report that they do not consider themselves financially secure and are concerned and worried about their retirement.
Much of this is tied to the gender pay gap, which is much wider for Black women, the challenges and stress that come with motherhood, and systemic biases that, over time, can snowball into full-on depression and anxiety disorders. Gen Xers and women who earn less are also more likely to share that a lack of money has a negative impact on their mental health, according to a Bankrate report.
If you’re dealing with financial stress and find yourself constantly fretting about bills and your future, there are several options:
Financial Stress & Black Millennial Women
1. Tap into free therapy and talk openly about your financial situation.
There's freedom in using your voice. Nonprofits and platforms offer free therapy services, or $0 copays if you have insurance, such as 7cups or Grow Therapy. Maybe you need to chat with someone to get a boost of confidence before calling bill collectors to work out payment plans or before giving up your 3-bedroom for a studio in order to cut costs. Do it.
Talk through your issues and get the support you need to cope with some of the shame, avoidance, and other behaviors that can come with facing debt and money issues.
2. Release the shame and honestly face the truth about your debt and lifestyle.
Oftentimes there’s shame involved when you feel like you can’t pay your bills, are always down to your last dime in your bank account, or you’ve racked up a lot of debt. But, just think about this: 60% of women have credit card debt, and women hold 64% of all student loan debt in the U.S. There's also a significant percentage of people who have been late or delinquent on rent and who cannot afford groceries. You’re certainly not alone, and it doesn’t make you a bad person just because you owe somebody money or you're having financial difficulties.
Get in front of it all by tracking your expenses to see exactly where your money is going and how you can make adjustments.
You can also find gaps where you may need to find simple ways to earn more money via a side hustle or even a second part-time job. In some cases, you’ll need to raise your income, while in others cutting back on expenses might be more ideal. Some women have found success in cutting debt and living more financially free by doing both. All of this will require a bit of humility, but you'll be better in the long run once you come to terms with the reality of your situation and own it.
3. Create a debt relief plan, or get help to create one.
According to Nerdwallet, debt relief is a process that can involve negotiating with creditors to settle the debt for less than the full amount owed, wiping the debt out altogether in bankruptcy, or using a debt management plan to get changes in your interest rate or payment schedule. Experts recommend that you consider these options when you literally cannot repay unsecured debt like credit cards, medical bills, and personal loans within five years, even if you “take extreme measures to cut spending.”
You’d want to consider how you can advocate for yourself by handling it on your own, creating a spreadsheet, and honestly facing your debt empowered by the options available to you, or you can get the help of a professional, coach, or nonprofit organization such as the National Foundation of Credit Counseling. If you have a financially savvy family member or friend you feel comfortable confiding in, ask for their help in adjusting your budget to accommodate and create a debt relief plan that you can actually follow, and lean heavily on a strong support system.
4. Find a program that can help you lower or temporarily cover your expenses.
There are government and city housing, meals, and rental assistance programs that you can apply for, and while the process might seem tedious (or maybe you’ve heard things that have led to stigmas), think about your own well-being and what’s best for your life.
If you need a bit of slack in paying for groceries, childcare, utilities, or rent in order to take care of a large debt (or just get a free moment to breathe and plan your next move), unapologetically apply and ask for the help.
This is especially important if you qualify for services or programs due to being a parent, your income range, or a disability. (Check out this list or this one for support and resource options.)
5. Look into grants that can help give you a boost.
While you need to work on financial fitness and management and make that a continuous journey, there are grants out there for women who want to start businesses, side hustles, or even need a bit of cash to get them through a rough patch. Research your options for grants (like those on this list or this grant program), and based on your eligibility, apply.
If you have a legitimate side business idea and you think it will help you bring in more funds, a grant might be the best option for you to get things going and improve your finances. There are grants for single mothers and more resources for women looking to start businesses or get help with their bills.
6. Find fun ways to affirm yourself and rebuild your confidence.
Self-care is important, and there are free ways to ensure that you are at your best and able to adequately advocate for yourself. Schedule walks, even if it’s five minutes during a work break. Use the help of coupons, sky miles, or free community events for beauty treatments, nature experiences, dance lessons, and other fun ways to spend your time versus sitting stressing about money.
Participate in free meetups with others so that you aren't isolating yourself due to shame or being in a rut of always being "broke."
You can do this, sis! You’ve got the power and resources to live comfortably and become financially free. It will take some work, but women like entrepreneur Arnita Johnson, personal finance coach Racheal Hanible, and writer Kiah McBride are proof that it can be done. Let their stories fuel your success.
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