Tonya Lewis Lee's Hulu Documentary 'Aftershock' Investigates How To Reduce Black Maternal Mortality
Black women take center stage in April, celebrating International Black Women's History Month. In addition, April 11-17 sheds light on Black Maternal Health Week to raise awareness of the disparity of mortality rates among Black women compared to their non-Hispanic white counterparts. The discussions surrounding Black maternal mortality are becoming more mainstream with Baby Dove joining Sista Midwife Productions, "a birth advocacy, training, and consulting agency," to comprise a comprehensive list of the Black Doula Directory.
Tonya Lewis Lee has become a staunch advocate of ensuring that the American public is cognizant of alarming statistics that show "Black women are three times more likely to die from a pregnancy-related cause than White women" even though 80% of "pregnancy-related deaths in the U.S. are preventable," according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Bias, racial and gender inequities are prevalent in the American healthcare system, including other disparities such as "quality healthcare, underlying chronic conditions, and structural racism," all impair marginalized patients from having the same opportunities to receive care to uphold their "economic, physical, and emotional health," the CDC reports.
According to the organization's report, approximately 700 women die in the U.S. from pregnancy or various other pregnancy-related complications. Recently, in Detroit, Michigan, Alona White, a 25-year-old mother, died after giving birth to her second daughter; White succumbed to an emergency craniotomy that caused her brain to bleed. As a patient at Ascension St. John Moross, White underwent a C-section, a medical procedure that Lee’s documentaryAftershock also explores and shows the financial benefits hospitals and doctors reap from this particular surgery, even though it may not be conducive to the birthing process.
Lee, who co-directed and co-produced with Paula Eiselt, discusses through her documentary Aftershock about Black maternal health and places several human faces to those victimized by this growing health crisis. The Hulu doc, which is a part of the streaming service's Onyx Collective, initially premiered at the 2022 Sundance Film Festival in the U.S. Doc Competition and was awarded the Special Jury Award: Impact for Change. Aftershock follows Omari Maynard and Bruce McIntyre, who both lost their partners, Shamony Makeba Gibson and Amber Rose Isaac, during childbirth, and how the two men, along with other family members, are in the streets providing advocacy and activism to eradicate this epidemic.
Using her background as a former human rights attorney, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, and an author of the children's book Please, Baby, Please—which she co-wrote with her Academy awarding-winning husband, Spike Lee, she uses her platform to heighten the conversation of Black maternal health.
L-R Omari Maynard and Bruce McIntyre
Photo courtesy of Onyx Collective
xoNecole: Based on your research, what are the factors causing Black women's death in most hospitals? The documentary did expound on it, but if you can say it in your own words.
Tonya Lewis Lee: First, I want to say that most of these deaths happening with Black women from childbirth complications are preventable. When we were making the film, 65% of these deaths were preventable. Since then, a new statistic has come out that says 85% of these deaths are preventable. When you asked me what we discovered in our research about why this is happening? First and foremost, what keeps coming through is very clear that Black women are being dismissed and ignored when they express pain or discomfort or something is not right. A lot of these deaths are postpartum.
It's frustrating because it's not like women aren't seeking help, as you see in Aftershock. The two families that we cover, the two women who passed away, each of them were seeking help from their healthcare providers. Unfortunately, their calls for help were dismissed, minimized, and ultimately led to their death. I will say that what tends to happen is there is either too little intervention too late, or there tends to be too much intervention done too soon, which, unfortunately, often causes these deaths.
xoN: Is this something that residents are taught in medical school because, like the doc pointed out, the founder of gynecology J. Marion Sims, believed Black women don't feel pain? Is this ideology still continually introduced in medical schools?
TLL: My understanding, and I've heard, anecdotally, that it is still taught in med schools today that Black people do not suffer or have the same kind of pain that white patients do, which is insane to me that we're still having these conversations. I empathize with doctors because I think they are trained in such a way--it's a patriarchal, technocratic system. They go through rigorous training, which is great, but they're also kind of dehumanized doctors, when they're going through a process so that by the time they get to their patients, they often inadvertently treat their patients in the way they have to rush, let's get through to the problem. What's the problem? Let's solve it.
I'll go back to the question you asked before about what's causing these deaths also, is that [birthing] is not woman-centered, and what I mean by that is, when a woman is giving birth, as opposed to listening to her desires and how she wants to give birth and who she needs in the room, what is she doing and how is it working for her? Unfortunately, a lot of times, it's more on the doctor's schedule, what works for the doctor, and what's efficient for the doctor. Why do we lay on our backs and put our legs up? Well, because it's easier for the doctor to get in there than allowing a woman to move around during her labor to help the baby work its way down. So the baby gets in position, and she's able to do what she wants to do. I think that a lot of education works against the natural birthing process.
xoN: Regarding the medical schools, is there any way we can change how they're instructed? How can we upgrade their curriculum on how they handle Black maternity?
TLL: I agree with you, and I will say, at least some of the good news; I see that with Aftershock, we've been invited by medical schools to bring the film. We were at Harvard and Columbia [to show the film] to their residents and converse with me, my co-director, and the film's protagonist. To your point, they need to be educated; differently, they're beginning to understand that and are looking at it [but] it's going to take a little bit of time to turn the ship. But at least there's a conversation that is starting to happen, but I completely agree with you that med schools need to start thinking about how they teach maternal care.
And again, even the midwifery programs, too, because I am a big advocate for midwives. Yet, they're not enough midwives in general in the United States, and they're certainly not enough Black midwives. So, to that point, we also need to work on the pipeline of doctors, obstetricians, and gynecologists, because there's a shortage of doctors. There's a shortage of nurses, and certainly Black nurses and doctors. We want to think about who's going to med school and how we cultivate them so that we have a workforce that can care for all of us.
Photo courtesy of Onyx Collective
xoN: To add to that point, maybe there should be a movement to have Black owned hospitals. Many Jewish communities have their own doctors and ambulances. Is that also something we need to start putting on our agenda to start creating Black-owned hospitals in these cities with a high Black population?
TLL: I think we can [have] Black hospitals; we're talking about education in general. Our issue as a community is whether we need more resources or we need to focus the resources in that way. It's worth thinking about. Looking to our HBCUs, our Black students, bringing them through to get us to a place where we could create that kind of thing. I don't think it's a bad thing. A study showed that when Black doctors treat Black infants, they have better outcomes. So I think a movement towards ensuring that we have more Black doctors, more Black nurses, a robust Black health care system to begin with, or at least doctors. Having an awesome Black hospital that's important for us would be amazing because we do not have the resources to do that.
xoN: How can we change policy as it relates to the health of Black women when they're giving birth? What can we do?
TLL: Well, the good news is policies are moving through Congress right now, the Momnibus bills, its pieces of legislation, a group of bills. One in particular that is great that I believe recently passed is making sure that women have Medicaid coverage through their first year of birthing; I think it's important that we deal with women a year postpartum because, again, as I said earlier, most of these deaths do happen postpartum. Many women who don't have coverage get lost, and they don't see doctors thereafter or are not seen. We need to ensure policies that make sure that women have the support they need. For example, doulas get covered by insurance companies and Medicaid as well.
I think midwives are really important to this process; the United States is the only industrialized nation that does not have midwifery care at the center of women's health care. So we need to ensure that when women go to midwives, they can get reimbursed. So those are some policies that can have an impact. I will say voting matters because our politicians, locally at the federal level, but particularly locally, and our state and local governments are the ones that drive the policies and our communities around birthing. I think, as individuals, we need to be out there voting, ensuring women can get the support they need.
Also, to the voting piece because many hospitals in the Black communities have been divested from [offering] the services, if they do have maternal health care at all. They don't have a lot of services. So we want to make sure that our hospitals and our communities are well-resourced so that they can provide the care they need for people, especially when they're in distress.
Photo courtesy of Onyx Collective
xoN: What was your experience when you gave birth to your children?
TLL: I appreciate that question. It's interesting. When I gave birth to my children, my daughter is now 27; my son is 25. I didn't know about midwives. So I had a wonderful doctor who was a friend of the family. But even then, I look back with a little frustration because my water broke, I went to the hospital, my family was there, and it was like, 'We can just move this thing along, let's get you on Pitocin get you going,' and I did that and stayed in the hospital overnight. Then the contractions were coming hard, as they do, especially when you're on Pitocin.
They suggested that I have an epidural, which I had. Then, my lips started to numb because they told me I was only supposed to be numb from the waist down. But I was beginning to feel numb over my entire body. I told my anesthesiologist to turn it down, my lips were numb, and she kept saying, 'Well, no, if I turn it down, I have to turn it off, and you're gonna feel pain.' I was like, I need to feel something because I'm now not feeling anything. I had to get nasty with her and didn't want to do it. Because you're laying there, you're vulnerable; I couldn't move. My mother and sister were there, and then they started noticing my oxygen levels were getting weird. I was like, 'You need to turn it off, and I had to get nasty for [the nurse to] finally turn down the anesthesia so that I can at least feel something. Thank God everything was fine, and my daughter was fine. Similarly with my son, a different doctor this time, by the way, both Black women, lovely people, but in a system, right?
With my son, the same thing happened; similarly, my water began to leak, and I was saved in a way by the nurse because at one point I was pushing, and the doctor was like, 'Okay, his umbilical cord is around his neck, his shoulders are stuck,' and she just stopped. The nurse said, 'This may hurt a little bit,' She put her hands on my stomach and pushed my son out. Again, I was fine, thank God, and the children are fine, but in retrospect, I wish I had allowed my body time to do what it wanted to do, and I think I would have been fine. I don't think I needed Pitocin. I don't think I needed the epidural if I had done it that way. But that's the way I did it back then.
But I joke with my daughter that by the time she's ready, I'm ready, and we're going to get it right this time because I don't think that surviving birth is what it should be. I think we should thrive in our births and be able to have beautiful birthing experiences that are not with trauma. And I'm not saying they don't have pain, but I believe that the pain that one goes through is what we're supposed to go through. I don't think women should suffer. But as Helena Grant, the midwife in our film, says that when a woman is birthing a baby, she's not just birthing a baby, she's birthing a mother, and it's a rite of passage that we have to go through to get on that other side. So we are prepared to take care of this young life we've just brought here.
xoN: How can women protect themselves when pregnant or about to give birth in this environment?
TLL: First of all, shop around for your healthcare provider. If you go to a health care provider and you don't connect with them, then keep looking for that health care provider that is right for you. First and foremost, ask as many questions as you can ask. Remember that you're in the power seat, you should be empowered; you're about to go through something amazing. Make sure you get the support you need. No [woman] can be doing everything in the moment of labor and birthing.
So make sure you have the right energy and people around you who can advocate for you and support you the way you need during your birthing process. I was with these people through the process of this documentary. I was able to be up close and personal with people grieving from a loss but activated by the loss. I was able to be up close and personal with people going through the birthing process themselves, trying to figure it out for themselves as well. So it's been quite a journey.
Aftershock is now streaming on Hulu.
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Feature image by Keith Williams
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That
It’s no secret that I can’t stand fake orgasms. There are a billion reasons why — some of which I will get into in just a moment. For now, what I will say is, even if you can rationalize that faking orgasms will “get you out of” the sex that you may be having at the moment, when it comes to long-term satisfaction and benefits, how is faking it really going to get you anywhere? At least anywhere good — which is what you totally and absolutely deserve.
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy