On October 6, the Sabrosa nightclub was packed. Guests filtered in off the streets of Manhattan's Meatpacking District into the white-washed brick building that during daytime hours would easily be glanced over.
They arrived in singles, pairs, groups—a mix of young and old of all races click-clacking down the concrete corridor illuminated in sensual dark-pink lighting and into an open room where DJ Austin Millz spun Drake and Future to a crowd wavy off of free Hennessey. At 9 'o clock glasses filled with Moet raised simultaneously in the air in celebration of the release of HRDCVR—a book-shaped magazine created to push the envelope of journalism, one that's free of the constraints of the web and not confined by the traditions. For us, by us, and catering to everyone.
For co-founder Danyel Smith, it was the icing on a cake, layered with 11 months of trials, triumphs, tears, and tenacity—a culmination of the vision that she and her husband, veteran journalist, and Rap Radar founder Elliott Wilson, dreamt up months ago.
Johnny Nunez/WireImage
“Everybody was excited about the book and it was really a good time; it was a long time coming actually," Smith tells me on our call. “I feel like there's sometimes this kind of segregation between millennials and those older than them, and this wasn't that. It really felt like we included everyone."
Danyel is one of those journalists that you admire from a distance and study up close. She's talented, yes, hints why she's earned top positions at Vibe Magazine (Editor-In-Chief), Billboard (R&B Editor), Time Inc. (Editor-at-Large), and The Root (Executive Editor), and written for many more respectable publications on top of writing her novels More Like Wrestling and Bliss. But it's more than just her ability to pen profiles, it's her passion, respect for her craft, and thirst for knowledge of not just music, but the world around her, that has garnered her over 30,000 and 100,000 followers on Twitter and Tumblr respectively, as well as a number of devoted fans inspired by her work.
Not bad for someone who dropped out of college her sophomore year for family reasons, and didn't get her bachelor's degree until she was in her 30s.
“It's not easy no matter how talented, smart, or focused you are. You know, life happens to people, to women in particular, whether it's boyfriends, your neighborhood, family dramas, whatever it is."
"I always tell people, just because you take a turn to the left or a turn to the right, you can get back on your path at any time."
The East Oakland native who claims 83rd and East 14th Street has come a long way from interning at the San Francisco Bay Guardian, where she turned lackluster news on the history of olive oil into her own column, telling captivating stories of the rise of the hip-hop and R&B era when Cali artists Too $hort, Tupac, and Tony! Toni! Toné! were just hitting the scene. Building her name as a music critic unknowingly elevated her to the position of a pioneer—for there were very few women at that time covering the music industry, and even fewer diving into hip-hop.
But Danyel has never been afraid of pushing the envelope and ushering a new wave of traditions. In fourth grade, it was her newspaper, The Weekly Arrow, where her byline reigned supreme with news of the latest happenings from her then High Point Street Los Angeles neighborhood—circulation of six. Now, it's HRDCVR, a magazine printed as a book for the “new everyone" that doesn't just serve one group, as often seen with both mainstream and affinity magazines, but all people regardless of race, religion, lifestyle, or beliefs. The “underserved" as she calls them. It's very much reflective of the society that we live in—where traditional lines have been blurred and barriers broken.
The couple worked hard to build a team just as diverse as the content, bringing in writers from all backgrounds—some by profession and some by passion—as well as people that they knew and respected from previous jobs and projects. They gave $1,000 media fellowships to journalists and a designer to be a part of the team who would push all aspects of reporting, storytelling, and design—and brought on interns who understood the vision and were eager to play a role in bringing it to fruition.
But of course, creating something of this grandeur would take money. A lot of it. And what better way to know who's interested and supports your mission than by starting a crowdfunding campaign?
So they took to Kickstarter with an introduction video, promising a high-quality product with amazing visuals and diverse content. Every Monday they released the HRDlist, an email newsletter with catchy titles that curated diverse news headlines from around the world. They went heavy on social media, promoting daily and doing interviews talking about the “new everyone." In four days they received 50% of the funding. They pledged a goal of $30,000, and in 28 days they got $67,230 from 516 backers.
“We used [crowdfunding] because we wanted to have kind of an intimacy about who we were serving and a group of people that we could communicate with all the time, either on Twitter or via Kickstarter."
It was tough, though, and not just because they were managing a team that was spread out across the country (although they did use their temporary DUMBO office for central headquarters), but because Danyel also had to manage herself by stepping outside of her comfort zone.
“I had to re-learn to be as determined as I know how to be. I've been spending a lot of time as a student and working on my book, and I can be very introverted with those activities. But putting together a project like this, it's all about being outgoing and showing your personality. So, that's what I had to do and that's what the team had to do and I think that we all learned a lot of lessons from each other."
It was also the first time the couple would work on a project together instead of competing against one another in the journalism world. Elliott often recounts the story of when he was an editor at XXL while Danyel was the editor-in-chief of Vibe Magazine, and her snatching up the cover stories that he was actively pursuing.
“We both have very strong personalities and we both have an idea of how we would like things to be. And, while we've somewhat figured out how to deal with those strong personalities in marriage and relationships, on the creative partnership side of our bond, we are learning every day, and it's challenging. But look at the good work that came out of it."
It's the challenges that have allowed them to learn more about one another. I reference a Will and Jada Pinkett Smith interview where Jada talks about the couple creating Karate Kid together, and the challenge of how her and Will have different ways of creating, but how much she's learned from working with him and seeing things from a different perspective.
“I definitely did." She says when I ask her if she learned something from her and Elliott's time working on HRDCVR. “I forgot that Elliott is a copy editor. I forget that there's not a mistake that he doesn't see. He sees a mistake like there's an extra space between the period and the beginning of the next sentence. I be like, what?! He's very detailed in his head like that. And then there's some things he's not, there's some things, like, if we're looking at film, my notes back to people are intense and deep and Elliott is just like it's a lot you're saying, and I'm like because it's a lot that need to be done. So, it just depends. But you go back and forth between being big-picture and detail-oriented, and we learn a lot from each other.
[Tweet ""It comforts me that there's still new stuff to learn about him after 10 years of marriage.""]
Perhaps it's the beauty of learning and discovering more about one another through HRDCVR that has inspired them to continue on the path of creative partnerships. They worked together on Future's “Like I Never Left" documentary, serving as executive producers along with L.A. Reid and Sylvia Rhone, and on their 10th anniversary launched the #RelationshipGoals podcast where they discuss everything from dating and marriage to new music and current events, inviting you into the kitchen of their Brooklyn apartment.
I admittedly tune in because there's something so authentic and real about their love that I admire. It's not sugar-coated, as you often find when public figures broadcast their marriage. On any given episode you can often hear the two bickering over everything from Elliott coming in the house too late (he has a 2am curfew) to Danyel being chastised for interrupting Wilson's conversation, but it's minor in comparison to the warmth that emits from their casual convos sprinkled with Elliott's iconic laugh and Danyel's Oakland-girl brashness.
“Whatever the week has brought, we try to give the listeners that, and it's fun. I mean, marriage is hard," Smith says. “Everybody's marriage is complex regardless of how they're presenting it, but to me, it's one of the greatest relationships of life if you're lucky to have it and if it's something that you want. I always remind everybody that marriage isn't something that's everybody's dream, it just isn't. But I think what is everybody's dream is to be loved, and that's what marriage at least does for me, it kind of reminds me of that on a daily basis that there is somebody that's there outside of family."
She also admits that it's sometimes how they catch up with one another, since their separate careers sometimes keep them apart during the week. Before things got hectic, Elliott would play her new music and she would play him old songs. Now they keep tradition alive through the podcast where the sounds of Sza are heard alongside Mary J. Blige.
“Us doing that, it really does bring us a lot of joy because we're like, we used to do this all the time for each other, like all the time! So it's been nice."
I tell her that they remind me of Brown Sugar—the movie where Sanaa Lathan plays Sidney, a successful Editor-In-Chief of XXLand her best-friend-turned-lover Dre (played by Taye Diggs) is a well-known A&R for the fictional Millennium Records, who later quits his job to start his label signing real hip-hop talent instead of the mainstream mockery that many labels have adhered to, sacrificing quality for dollars.
They fell in like through hip-hop and fell in love when they realized that they have more in common than just a passion for the genre. In this case, it's the love of culture and constantly learning and evolving that seems to keep them tied together. When I share this with Smith she says to me, “I've heard this so many times!"
And then admits that she's never seen the movie, probably because she's weirded out at the fact that everyone attributes her and her husband's relationship to a fictional story that has absolutely nothing to do with their lives (Elliott is, in fact, a journalist, and not an A&R executive). She identifies more with Queen Latifah's character in the 90s hit show Living Single, who runs the fictional Flava magazine—boss by day and navigating the world of relationships by night.
I get it because I used to do the same. Until I saw Brown Sugar.
A couple of minutes later Elliott is peaking around the corner, letting her know it's time to go. They're headed to a CRWN event, a live interview series that he hosts with some of today's top music artists. Tonight's session is with Mac Miller. Just like when Elliott shows support by coming to her events, she's making sure to be in attendance for his.
“We were living apart for 10 months when I was in Stanford [as a John S. Knight Journalism Fellow] recently, and that was one of the hardest parts, you know, not being able to be there for each other in certain moments. So, I think we might be overcompensating now where if I have something he's like, alright I'm there what time is it?"
She apologizes as she rushes me off the phone. My thoughts immediately go back to Sanaa's character when she gives Dre the money to launch his own record label or when at the last minute she goes to check out a new artist he's interested in signing. Always supportive, always there for him.
As we say our goodbyes, I can't help but smile as I click off the recorder.
Yeah, they're definitely Brown Sugar.
Featured image by Johnny Nunez/Getty Images for Remy Martin
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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