How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
What happens when you put 22 gorgeous single men and women on a beautiful island with no phones and lots of smoking hot sex appeal? For fitness influencer Clinton Moxam and Wilhelmina model Uche Nwosu, it resulted in a nearly three-year relationship and a fur baby named Rue. The post-MTV's Are You the One?season six power couple still flourished in their love and addiction for one another despite their confirmed "no match" midway through the season. Now, we can all watch their YouTube videos together in jubilee and root for them as they post cute #RelationshipGoals photos that bless our Explore pages.
Though Uche is originally from East Grand Rapids, Michigan and Clinton is originally from Palm Bay, Florida, the two lovebirds have made Hollywood their home. Unfortunately, this wasn't always the case and the two had to adjust to living apart for nearly half a year. "We had to do long-distance for about five months last year and we definitely had to work on our communication––but we made it through and came out on the other side stronger," said the certified personal fitness trainer. With growth comes growing pains, but even with their fights and disagreements, Clinton and Uche still managed to come out swinging. Three years to the date they met, Clinton popped the question and made his three-year girlfriend his fiancee and life partner.
"We have different communication styles which was something that we have had to work on throughout our relationship," says the lifestyle influencer. "Also - what to watch on TV. Clinton always caves though, we're finishing up Real Housewives of New Jersey: Season 10." Clinton chimes in that their disagreements are typically caused by miscommunication regarding things that are happening in their individual lives and not communicating it to one another effectively. "This can lead to one of us being offended about how the other is seeming to act, not realizing that the issue isn't even really between the two of us," adds Clinton.
In this installment of How We Met, we caught up with the reality television alumni and newly engaged couple about meeting on MTV, the importance of effective communication to avoid arguments, and their appreciation for each other's sense of humor.
*This interview was conducted prior to Clinton's proposal or knowledge of the proposal.
How They Met:
Uche: I got a scouting call right after New Years' 2017 for an MTV show. I had just moved from Chicago to Los Angeles at the time where I was interning for a stylist and I didn't think much of it. I went through the first round of interviews and before I knew it, it was the middle of May and I was being flown into Los Angeles for final casting. Long story short, I ended up going on a reality show in New Orleans purely for the experience. We were both going through different situations at the time and neither of us were looking for love on the show whatsoever. I always laughed when the whole premise of the show was centered around "winning love and money" when that's exactly what ended up happening for me.
Clinton: I moved to NY right after graduating college in August 2016. From there, I was doing a bit of modeling and trying to grow my social media platforms. I was contacted by MTV about a show they were casting called Are You the One?. I went through the whole casting process and was picked to be on the show. I met Uche on a big green stage with 20 other people as we started filming for the show.
Instant Attraction:
Uche: The day we met was also the day we met the rest of the cast (22 of us). That day is still a huge blur to me! The cameras, the mics, the house, everything was so new. I remember I didn't even end up talking to Clinton until the very end of the night. We ended up sitting by the pool and talking for a few hours. Like I said, my intention coming on this show was just to have an experience and possibly win money––I had gone through a lot of not great situations prior, and at the moment I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. I remember on day four (mind you, these TV days are unlike real days! Whereas when you meet someone in the "real world" you spend maybe a few hours a day with them––we were spending 24 hours, all day, every day with each other––with no phones or contact with the outside world. Every three days marks a "TV week"), talking to my friend Nicole and telling her that I really think I was starting to like Clinton, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. I was definitely being cautious, I didn't know what was going to come from it and didn't want to start getting attached! All I know is we just gravitate towards each other, always.
Clinton: Similar to Uche, I was in a prior situation before going on to the show. It was a situation where myself and the person involved were not 100% sure what direction we were going. When the show started, I wasn't actually interested in getting to know anyone. I was hoping it would possibly create other opportunities for me and I would win the money in the end. The entire first day was hectic. I didn't have a conversation with Uche until later that night as we were both trying to have different conversations with different people, not exactly thinking that any of the conversations would lead anywhere, but that's just what we were there to do. From my initial conversation with her, I knew she would be the only person I could even hold a conversation with. She was so effortlessly funny and charismatic, but I don't think either of us thought much of it. It wasn't until day three or four that I was just watching her as she walked through the house and I got this feeling inside of me like a little light bulb turned on and I said to myself, '"Hold up! you really like her." From that moment on, she hasn't gotten rid of me!
Courtesy of Uche & Clinton
"From my initial conversation with her, I knew she would be the only person I could even hold a conversation with. She was so effortlessly funny and charismatic, but I don't think either of us thought much of it. It wasn't until day three or four that I was just watching her as she walked through the house and I got this feeling inside of me like a little light bulb turned on and I said to myself, 'Hold up! you really like her.' From that moment on, she hasn't gotten rid of me!"
First Date:
Clinton: Our technical first date was on the show. The whole house wanted us to win a date so we could go into the "truth booth" to see if we were a match (spoiler alert: we were not). We finally won a date on week five. We went on a ferry in New Orleans, had a caricature artist draw us, and it was really fun. Later that night, we had to go into the truth booth and find out we weren't a match so the day… didn't end quite well. Our first date outside of 'the house' was mini-golfing and a movie! It's like we were waiting to see if the spark we had on the show would still be there in the outside world and it without a doubt was.
Making It Official:
Uche: Well, before the show I was kind of in flux as to where I wanted to be and what exactly I wanted to do. It just so happened that earlier that year, my mom took a job at a hospital in Florida where she would work two weeks out of the month in Urgent Care. The show stopped filming at the end of July and I decided to go see my mom before making my next steps. It just so happened that out of all the places in Florida she could have relocated to, it was exactly 49 minutes away from where Clinton's mom lived.
Clinton: Before the show started, I decided it was time for me to move back home to Florida, so I packed my car and planned to drive down to Florida after the show finished. It just so happened that we ended up being there at the same time which allowed us to spend a lot of time together. I would go to her mom's place Thursday through Sunday every week and we would just hang out and spend time together. We went on dates and we went out, but the majority of our time was just spent getting to know one another and laughing. We did this for about 5-6 months and in November of 2017 while filming the "Reunion" episode of the show that we were on, I officially asked Uche to be my girlfriend.
Uche: I honestly wasn't trying to get humiliated on national TV so I was leaving it all up to him to take the next step. I don't know, it was like I was looking for some big red flag. Everything just seemed too good to be true––I've never met anyone like him.
Clinton: Uche never pushed me to make it official. Even though we were very exclusive and open with one another, we were taking our time trying to really get an understanding of one another. We learned so much about each other and developed such a strong foundation of love in this time that the night I asked her to be my girlfriend. I also told her I loved her because I knew what we had was going to last.
Courtesy of Uche & Clinton
"Uche never pushed me to make it official. Even though we were very exclusive and open with one another, we were taking our time trying to really get an understanding of one another. We learned so much about each other and developed such a strong foundation of love in this time that the night I asked her to be my girlfriend. I also told her I loved her because I knew what we had was going to last."
The Sweetest Thing:
Uche: His sense of humor and his heart! No one loves me better or makes me laugh harder. We will literally spend the whole day making each other laugh. I don't know if anyone else thinks we're funny? But, I don't know… Saturday Night Live should probably give us a call.
Clinton: Definitely her sense of humor and her smile. From the moment we met, we've naturally bounced off of one another and our relationship is filled with jokes and laughter. I say her smile because I think it's the cutest thing in the world. I love seeing her smile because it's the physical representation of how she is actually feeling. Seeing my woman happy makes me happy, and that's why I love that smile.
The One:
Uche: It definitely happened over time. When he first told me, the night of the show reunion––I was surprised he said it, but I felt the exact same. I had thought I had been in love before, but I realize now that's not what that was. I kept saying I felt "different", that I had a "different feeling". I still don't even know how to describe it but he really is my other half. It just feels right and I feel the most me when I'm with him. I HATE to be cheesy, I'm so sorry, but honestly––every single day I am reminded that it really is love.
Clinton: I knew it was love because of how Uche and I were with one another. I had experienced love, commitment, and the challenges that come along with it. I saw it in both of us that we had the capacity and the willingness to be selfless, understanding, genuine and truthful with one another because Uche showed me all of those characteristics from the time we met. Love is a feeling but it also takes a lot of work and we were both ready for that.
Courtesy of Uche & Clinton
"I had experienced love, commitment, and the challenges that come along with it. I saw it in both of us that we had the capacity and the willingness to be selfless, understanding, genuine and truthful with one another because Uche showed me all of those characteristics from the time we met. Love is a feeling but it also takes a lot of work and we were both ready for that."
Baggage Claim
Uche: I had to learn that every argument doesn't mean it's the end all be all. It sounds so silly now, but I was so used to being in tumultuous relationships where I always had to have my guard up and be ready for the next curveball. This relationship has matured me so much and I am so happy we met in the time we did, Lord knows I had to go through the things that I did to fully appreciate and recognize a blessing when it's presented to me. We've also had to work on our communication. I've always thought that being outgoing meant that I was a good communicator––so wrong. I've had to be honest with myself and realize that I actually kind of suck at communicating when it comes to talking about the not fun and uncomfortable elements of life. We've really grown!
Clinton: We had to learn how to talk to one another about our past and the things we struggle with as individuals. We navigated those conversations by proving to one another over time that we can be trusted with knowing the hard things that neither of us wants to tell people we cannot 100% trust. As time passed and we continued to prove ourselves to one another, we opened up more and became even closer. I also had to unlearn the kind of "tit for tat" mindset. We're one, we're in this relationship together and we both bring different things to the table that are valuable in different ways.
Talk To Me Nice
Uche: I would say that my love languages on the giving end are: gift-giving and words of affirmation. On the receiving end, it would be acts of service and gift-giving, but by gift I mean ANYTHING. If someone ever gives me anything that lets me know they're thinking of me, honestly anything, it means a lot to me I don't know why. Oh, especially cards! I keep all of my cards. If you've ever written me a card, literally ever, I guarantee you I still have it!
Clinton: My love language is words of affirmation. I'm pretty simple––I don't need much but I do need my woman to tell me that she's proud of me and that she sees me. I'll do anything for her and I just want to know that she appreciates me.
Courtesy of Uche & Clinton
"I had to learn that every argument doesn't mean it's the end all be all. It sounds so silly now, but I was so used to being in tumultuous relationships where I always had to have my guard up and be ready for the next curveball. This relationship has matured me so much and I am so happy we met in the time we did, Lord knows I had to go through the things that I did to fully appreciate and recognize a blessing when it's presented to me."
Loving Yourself:
Uche: I've been through my fair share of frogs. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I've definitely had to grow up a lot and learn from past relationships. But never have I ever been fully appreciated and encouraged to be who I am, SO authentically. I've always been a confident person but going on such a widely publicized show opens you up to so much scrutiny. There was so much positivity and love coming my way but you are always going to have your online trolls and negative people that want to bring you down.
It's so easy to focus on the negative and I did fall into that trap many times, especially right after the show when things were still fresh. Clinton has never left my side and has always lifted me up, had my back, and encourages me ALWAYS to be exactly the person I am. Never too much!
Loving Your Partner:
Clinton: I've learned that love requires a lot of patience. We met at 21 and 23 years old, I don't think people understand how much there is to figure out individually and together at this point in life. I definitely didn't realize that, now that we've known each other for three years and we've gone through different things together, I'm seeing how important patience is.
I'm becoming my own person, she's becoming her own person and we are also coming together as one. Growing up, we are conditioned to think that you are supposed to find this perfect person and then they complete you, which isn't true at all. What really happens is you find an amazing person and you guys love and commit to one another and then there's a lot of work to be done. It's all worth it because the love and relationship you build is unbreakable!
For more Uche & Clinton, follow them on Instagram!
Featured image courtesy of Uche and Clinton.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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