Whether butt play is the first stop in exploring your sexuality or an evolutionary point reached after much reflection and growth, it seems inevitable to avoid its presence in pleasure. It has so much potential as an epicenter for pleasure yet it's still one of those things done behind closed doors (no pun intended). Anal sex is the new blowjob for Black girls, or so it seems. Remember when blowjobs were pronounced "things white girls do", but quietly Black girls were partaking too?
That's what anal sex has become. For a plethora of reasons I don't care to address — not here and not now. This article is for those who have moved past the shame or embarrassment or "miseducation."
This is for those who are ready to explore the other side of pleasure.
This is a guide to the wonderful world of butt plugs. One way to dive into butt play. And because we're here to guide, it seems only fair that we'd start at the basics:
What Even is a Butt Plug?
Enter the wonderful world of butt plugs.NadinPanina/Getty Images
Well, according to me, that's easy to answer because it's exactly what it sounds like, a plug for your asshole. A stopper, if you will. But its purpose is dependent upon your goals, which we'll get into shortly. They come in many shapes, sizes, and materials (metal, glass, plastic) like any other sex toy. They can even come with a vibration.
According to sex educator and host of Anal Sex Podcast: The Plug Luna Matatas, butt plugs can be more carefully defined as "sex toys that go inside of the butt, they usually have a bulbous shape, a neck and a flared base. They allow the muscles and tissue of the rectum get accustomed to penetration. Butt plugs are great for anal training."
The spectrum of ways in which you are able to use butt plugs in your anal play are endless. Butt plugs can serve as the main dish or the appetizer.
Here are a few ways to help you envision how you might want to use butt plugs, according to anal expert, Matata:
Stretching for Anal Play
Much like any other workout, stretching can be the difference between cramping up or actually getting a full, enjoyable workout. And by workout, we mean anal.
Double the Pleasure
For added sensation during vaginal sex or even during solo sex, two is better than one. And Matata says, "You're adding in another erogenous zone to your self-pleasure, which might amplify the sensations you normally feel during masturbation."
"Butt plugs can give a sense of fullness inside the anus that feels pleasurable for some people. Others enjoy the stimulation to the many nerve endings at the entrance of the anus."
Embrace the Tease
Up the ante and give a little tease action rather easily when use your plug during ther types of partnered sexual activity, from kissing and cuddling to oral sex. See how long you all can last before you're driven to have sex or even edge it out. The benefit of this is that "while doing other things that get you aroused, your anus has a chance to relax and enjoy the sensations of the butt plug."
For the Thrill
"Engagement of our erotic imagination — you might be excited by the idea of having something in your butthole naughty or taboo," Matata concludes.
How to Use Butt Plugs for Beginners: A Guide
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Size Does Matter
When looking into how to use butt plugs for beginners, curious minds might want to know what size to start with and if the purpose of your butt plug is to work you up to anal sex, does it need to be similar in size to your partner's penis or strap. To the latter, Matata explains, "You can go from a smaller plug to a penis [or strap], it depends on the experience of someone with anal penetration, what their body is in the mood for that day, how relaxed they are, etc.
"You can test out how well the person is opening up [to] the butt plug by rotating it inside someone, pulling it all the way out and then restarting the process, alternating between time with a plug and time with fingers massaging the rectum."
Anal Play: Butt Plugs or Anal Beads?
For beginners, I would recommend starting small with your plug if this is your first venture into anal play of any nature. But if you have a little experience under your belt, Matata suggests adding some weight, as a weighted butt plug for a little razzle dazzle i.e. increased sensation. You might also try a different shape as well, such a spheres or anal beads.
Keep it Safe
As far as the material, it's your world. However, as with any other toys, you do want to make sure you're using body-safe material. That's the bottom line. Matata points out, "Butt plugs can be made of rubber or jelly materials, but these are porous which makes them hard to sterilize. Try finding butt plugs made of body-safe materials like silicone, glass, or stainless steel. If you're a beginner to butt play -- you could try silicone materials first as some beginners find glass or stainless steel butt plugs too firm. [Furthermore], look for butt plugs with a rounded shape at the top and a flexible neck."
Wet it Up
Whatever you do, it can't be stressed enough the importance of lubrication. The anus, unlike the vagina, doesn't lubricate itself naturally so you'll want to use, "Lube. Lube. Lube. [Specifically] a long-lasting water-based or silicone lube is super important." And because it doesn't self-lubricate at the sign of arousal, it is especially important that we pay attention!
"Listen to the anus - sometimes it's just not in the mood for penetration, you can enjoy the outside nerve endings by putting vibrators against the butthole or massaging it," she continues. "If burning sensations or pain happen, slow things down, take a break or add more lube. Ignoring the pain or using numbing agents is increasing your chances of anal injuries like fissures."
Although all good things must come to an end, Matata left us with a few of her favorite gems to consider when looking to invest in butt plugs. Some of her favorites were created by b-Vibe, known for their "innovative and sexy looking butt toys."
The Best Butt Plug for a Beginner:
The Best Butt Plug for Intermediate:
The Best Butt Plug for Advanced:
Featured image by NadinPanina/Getty Images
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert