Considering it's the year of the woman, we haven't been short of inspiring suggestions and tips on how to drop toxic friends or be even better ones. But what about those times when we're the ones who have actually been the friend that was toxic and didn't make the cut in our now ex-friend's "new year, new me" stance?
Yes, I've been that friend. While it's been a while since it's happened to me, I've been there. And sometimes there's this status quo that we're bad people because we didn't get the hint or didn't realize we were still growing. But in essence, while having a friend pull away from us is hurtful, there's certainly a lesson in it.
1.Do Some Self-Reflecting.
Whether she told you outright why she didn't want to be friends anymore, or you received a certain vibe that made it clear, that awkward first phase of no longer being friends is the perfect time to do a little self-reflecting. As hard as it is to admit, you could very well be the one who dropped the ball in the friendship. Whether it was not being supportive, or just not being there when she needed you the most, it's vital to look at things from her point of view. Sometimes we don't realize how we're treating other people, especially if we're going through things ourselves. We could be looking for someone to be there and support us, and not miss their multiple signals of them needing the same. That's the thing about being a friend, sometimes we have to be one even in those moments when we need it the most. I know that I've fallen short of this multiple times.
While those first moments of this lost friendship were me racking my brain about why she was "acting funny," sometimes it's better to just let it go. While we might wonder why she didn't just say something instead of cutting you off altogether, she really might have tried. That's where this self-reflecting comes in. Don't get me wrong. It's not about beating yourself up because you didn't answer your phone when she called or thinking of yourself as less than because you just weren't a good friend in some moments, it's really just about reflecting on what signals you missed and how you can become better for the friends that you do still have.
2.Forgive, Let Go, And Let God.
Having a friend ghost us is pretty painful, but you gotta forgive her sis. As tempting as it is to get those Twitter fingers rolling, this isn't the time to write subliminal messages on Facebook and Twitter (do people still do that?) trying to get her attention and share your side of the story. At the end of the day, people come into our lives for a reason, season, or a lifetime. Maybe the season of your friendship was over, and God had to show you that you weren't meant to be friends forever. As much as we want those life-long friendships we see in The Best Man, we have to be okay when that doesn't work out, even if it seemed like we didn't have anything to do with the decision and got the short end of the stick. You don't even have to let her know that you forgive her, unless the conversation comes up. If it doesn't, just make your own resolve within yourself that you're going to move forward.
3.Don’t Think You’re A Bad Person.
It's so easy to think that just because someone dropped us, we're not worthy of being a friend with anyone. You never know, she could have been going through her own thing and for whatever reason, showed her own true self to you. Just because you were the one who didn't do the ghosting doesn't mean that you're a terrible person. Even if it was because you were a bad friend, there's a lesson in it (some that might be best worked out in therapy). I've been known to be loyal to a fault. I've ignored those signs of "when someone shows you who they are believe them." Still, in those same situations, even knowing that the other person wasn't the healthiest friend for me, I never ghosted them. So when they did it to me, while it was hurtful, there was no way it was because I was a bad person. At times, you might be the friend who's dropped because your now ex-friend couldn't handle your success, or your new lifestyle if you've had a major change recently. Either way, you getting dropped doesn't mean that you're a bad person.
4.Let It Make You Better.
Once you get over the shock of losing your friend, and over the realization that it's very possible you were to blame, shake it off. I know, it sounds so minimal and so easy, yet it can make a big impact sis. Seriously. Sometimes we don't understand that losing a close friend is just as (and sometimes even more) painful than going through a breakup. But just like romantic relationships, even when you played a major part, it doesn't mean you're banned from ever having a relationship again. It just means you had to learn about yourself. Even though we might have thought we were beyond that lesson and are too old to be learning it, I completely understand being a late bloomer. At the end of day, you just have to put your life back together, reflect, and become a better person because of it. It's never too late to do that.
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Featured image via Giphy
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and Skylar
Cj Hart @hartbreak
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak