Communication (and life) in general can be difficult. Okay, let's be real. It's f*ckin' hard work! While there's no guarantee you'll get it right, previous experience allows us to safely navigate through some of life's unforeseen trials and tribulations. Oftentimes without scathe. But, for a child both green and naive to the wonderfully chaotic ways of the world, carefully cruising through the unknown can seem nearly impossible. No matter how bright or resilient the child, they simply lack the life experience to blindly steer, nonetheless articulate how they feel. (Then again, does this ever change?)
This brings me to a recent conversation with my youngest who's six years old; let's call her "T" for the purpose of this article. As we entered a new season, it was only natural the topic of "daddy" would resurface. In fact, I anticipate this "talk" of sorts ahead of many milestones. It was the first day of school -- as she intently watched her peers gently embrace the men in their lives, before nervously tiptoeing into the great, big, scary world -- she turned and with her big, bright brown eyes gleaming up at me, asked, "Why didn't my daddy ever hug me like that? Why doesn't he ever call?"
At the moment, my heart broke for her. I fought back tears -- even a major bitch fit. Still, as painful as it can be to man these conversations alone, avoidance is NOT the answer. Here's how I talked to my child about her father's absence. Take note.
1.Honesty is the best policy.
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Now, I'm not saying get down to the nitty gritty as this can be extremely damaging depending on the circumstances. Instead, advocate for the truth. For example, previously I've explained to my daughters that "parenting is a lot of work. It requires dying to self and living for the benefit of another, day in and day out. Some parents aren't ready for this." Of course, with age, you may need to be more forthcoming. They may not like what you have to say. But, they'll appreciate that you kept it real. That said, whatever the approach, don't pretend he doesn't exist. This is the equivalent of telling your child that his/her father is dead. No bueno!
2.Do NOT by any means bash the other parent.
Please remember, your child is looking for reassurance! They want to know life will be an effing turnup, despite the absence of their father. They need to hear it's not their fault. Even more, they want to know YOU will ALWAYS be there! So, keep it positive people.
3.Share positive memories.
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I don't care how far you gotta reach; dig deep sister! Personally, I revisit the joy of discovering I was with child nearly seven years after I was told I'd never again know the joy of motherhood -- she was a blessing within a storm. Or, the look in her father's eyes the moment he first held her. At the end of the day, your tot will hold these memories close. They will build an impression of who their father is as a person -- likely even aid in shaping who they are as they grow into adulthood.
4.Acknowledge and validate their feelings.
Whatever you do, check your emotions at the door. This is not about you. I'd have to admit, initially this was a challenge for me. "Am I not enough?" "What am I doing wrong?" Before I knew it, by taking it personally, I was indirectly writing it off like, "Well, it is what it is." Though I never expressed this verbally, my inability to take this topic head-on said otherwise. Of course, I quickly learned the significance of simply listening, acknowledging and mirroring their feelings. In turn, helping my mini me articulate her feelings in a healthy way.
5.Identify positive “father-figures” in their life.
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Growing up one of ten children -- seven of my siblings are men -- I'm hip to the gravity of having positive "father-figures" in your life. Whether family, friends, a co-worker, even a romantic partner; these men should serve as pillars of excellence. By this I mean, they are trustworthy, respectful, reliable, kind, fair, accepting, and honest -- all characteristics they should seek in others as they begin to forge relationships of their own.
Is this to say the questions won't resurface? No! But, if handled with care and blanketed with love, your babe will walk away feeling loved, maybe even at peace. More importantly, they will feel valued. You listened. You acknowledged. You withheld judgement. You were there!
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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