You know, life is a funny thing. Back in 2018, when I wrote “I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work,” although I’m not gonna sit up here and act like I didn’t see signs that divorce could possibly be in her future, it wasn’t like I was hoping for it.
I’m a child of divorce myself, and so, no matter how common it is in our culture, I am aware of the pain that divorce can cause and the damage that it can do. And yet, fast forward to 2024, and here we are — my friend who once had a husband who was more triggering than almost any human I know (what’s wild is damn near everyone in her life has cosigned on that since she’s separated from him), he is now, officially, her former husband… And boy has getting to that point and place with her been a complete roller coaster ride.
You know, when you sign up to be someone’s friend, one thing that comes with that is being supportive. However, that word has so many nuances and layers to it these days that I think it’s important to really unpack what that actually means (check out “What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)”). Although a lot of people’s egos want to believe that support means being told what you want to hear, clapping for decisions even when they are poor ones, or having people have your back to the extent of them breaking their own — that isn’t the case. Not by a long shot.
True support is about being willing to help someone hold their own selves up; it’s about providing encouragement, comfort, and providing assistance in a way that will actually help (help, not coddle) them. And when that support is needed during something as life-altering as a divorce, that can require a lot of prayer, compassion, and forethought…on the person’s support system’s part.
And so, as someone who just recently went through all of this with an individual who is quite dear to me — and also since I’m very aware of the fact that with the divorce rate being as high as it is, most of you will have to experience something similar sooner than later — I wanted to offer up some tips on how you can, yes, support your friend during their time of transition while keeping your sanity, standards and the friendship intact in the process.
(Try to) Put Yourself in Their Shoes
GiphyEmpathy. If anything is on the endangered species list when it comes to relationships these days, this would have to be it. A very basic definition of empathy is having the ability to not just understand but share in how someone feels when they are going through something. This basically means that, by being truly empathetic, you are able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes — or at least, you are intentional about trying to.
When it comes to something like a divorce, because no two marriages are exactly the same, of course, you can’t know exactly what someone else is going through. However, if you’re trying to support a friend who is experiencing one, the key is to imagine how you would feel if your marriage was falling apart. What kind of emotional support would you long for? How would you prefer to be spoken to? Would you want to hear a ton of “I told you so” statements, or would you prefer more questions like, “What can I do to help you get through this?”
Actor Sterling K. Brown once said, “Empathy begins with understanding life from another person's perspective. Nobody has an objective experience of reality. It's all through our own individual prisms.” Personally, I think there is a lot of truth in those words because, when you choose to try to see things as another sees them, it creates a safer space for them to trust you and for you to be a softer place to land — right when they need it the most.
Draw Firm Boundaries
Giphyhe very day that my friend was officially divorced, she did something that was beyond cyclic, toxic, and counterproductive — on a billion different levels. It honestly had me so baffled that I found myself getting angry because, after years of her talking about how her ex has treated her, why in the world would she tolerate him in the way that she did (I’m leaving details out by design)?! I mean, it had me so heated that I found myself needing to “take off” a few days, communication-wise (when it comes to talking to her) — and that’s how I knew that I was more emotionally invested than I needed to be and it was time to put some boundaries in place…yes, even when it came to our friendship.
When you love someone, it can be very easy to involve and invest yourself in things as if it is your problem when it absolutely isn’t. So, how can you keep yourself in check? Learn the difference between who you are responsible for vs. who you are responsible to.
Me? I adore my friend, I absolutely do. At the same time, she is not my spouse or my child and those would be the only individuals who I would actually be responsible for. So yeah, when I need a break from hearing the cycle, it’s okay to say that. When I find myself getting more upset over her stuff than she seems to be, it’s okay to put limits in place.
And if I need to accept that she’s not me, which means that she’s going to do things differently, it’s okay to not emotionally invest in her situation quite so much — because it would be a damn shame to lose a friend all because the boundaries (or lack thereof) in their life have caused you not to have any in yours…and that has ultimately resulted in bitterness, resentment and/or a total emotional disconnect when it comes to your friendship. Yeah, breaking up with a friend because of how her divorce is going really isn’t worth it.
Be Their Friend. Not Their Therapist.
GiphySpeaking of boundaries, chile, so long as I’m out here coaching couples, this tip right here will probably always be the “thorn in my flesh” that helps to keep me in check — ‘cause y’all, when you’re trying to help a friend through a challenging time, and folks actually pay you to coach or counsel them, it can be really challenging to “get off of the clock” when your friend isn’t also a client. Oh, but it’s a wise thing to do, believe you me.
Case in point: As much as my friend’s former husband irks the entire mess outta me, if there’s one thing that I will forever vouch for him on, it’s the fact that he is hella consistent. And so, when he recently pulled a bona fide “this man right here” (I really want to use the dirty cuss words to illustrate my point and yet, I digress) stunt, although I wasn’t shocked, I was disgusted. However, to be honest, my friend plays a very direct role in “feeding the monster” when it comes to not setting healthy boundaries with him…and that is largely what causes him to do some pretty bold and semi-crazy things.
Anyway, when she shared with me what happened, the first thing I asked her was, “Did you just want me to know, or do you want me to say something?” (more on that in the next tip). My follow-up was, “Have you told your therapist yet?” and boy, was that a freeing question to ask because she’s not paying me to give her insight (let’s start there, chile) and two, because I’m not her therapist, that frees me up from having to invest in the way that a therapist (or life coach) would. Sometimes, I really can just be a listening ear — no more and no less. Sometimes, by accepting that, everyone ends up being less stressed out.
Watch What You Say. Then When You Say It.
GiphyOkay so, for the past 12 years or so (at least), almost all of my friends know that whenever they tell me something that’s totally off-the-chain, I’m gonna be good for asking, “Now, do you want me to be 100 percent Shellie or would you prefer for me to water it down?” I do this because I am a straight-no-chaser, for sure, and while most of the people in my world say that it is something that they appreciate about me, as the old saying goes, “Timing is everything.” Sometimes, what they can hear on one day isn’t what they can handle on another. Why? Because when a friend is going through something like a divorce, they are processing a lot, and that can cause them to be happy at noon on Monday and totally pissed by dinnertime on that same Monday.
And what this means for you is if you say, “Girl, I don’t know why you chose that man in the first place” at noon, she might laugh along while, if you say that very same thing at 6 p.m., here comes the waterworks or personal offenses. Yeah, if there is a silver lining, for you personally, when you’re helping a friend go through a divorce, it’s that you get an accelerated class in learning to read people better, how to use tact even more, and how to master timing in a way that you may have never done before — and those are valuable life lessons, across the board.
Also, Watch Them on the Roller Coaster. Don’t Get on It.
GiphyOne time, when someone in my family was talking about the cyclic drama of another relative, how they said that they chose to deal with it is something that has always stayed with me (and they stated it damn near 20 years ago): “I don’t get on the roller coaster ride. I simply watch them ride it and then dab their brow whenever they choose to get off.” The fun fact here is I told a friend about the convo, and even he was like “dope.” As a result, he put his own spin to it and, in walked India.Arie’s song “Roller Coaster.”
Roller coasters, chile. It can have you all over the place, and if you aren’t prepared for that reality, all of the unexpected shifts and dips can make you sick — on rides and in relationships. And so, on the heels of what I just said about watching your mouth and the timing of your words, it’s important to take these pearls of wisdom to heart, too.
Yeah, just because your friend needs your ear or shoulder or even advice sometimes, and also just because empathy (and compassion) are awesome traits to display during their time of need, you do not have to get as involved as she is — in fact, that’s a surefire way to be out here putting your own needs in jeopardy because you’ve still got other relationships to tend to, responsibilities to take care of and bills to pay. What sense does it make for you both to be damn near basket cases? It absolutely doesn’t.
Listen, there were some days when my friend was so irritated with her ex (especially when they were going through the divorce process) that she would take her frustrations out on me (because if she did it to him, it would make the negotiating process more stressful). Although I understood what was going on, that didn’t mean that I had to take “the lashes” that were deserved by someone else — and so, I told her so. Several times, I said, “Look, we rarely fight unless it has something to do with him, and we’re not going to lose our friendship over that dude. I love you, and I’m hanging up now. Call me when you’re feeling better.”
I made sure that she knew that I wasn’t going to abandon her. I also knew that I wasn’t going to tolerate her beating up on me either. See: watching them on the roller coaster and not getting on it. Brilliant.
Be Patient with THEIR Process
GiphyLove is patient.Oh, if only more folks actually knew what the definition of "patient" actually is — at least in the context of the point that I’m about to make: “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” I’m telling you from very personal and up-close experience that very few things will test the strength of your bond with a friend quite like them (or you) going through a divorce. Why? Because the decision alone is going to impact them to the extent that it makes them a different person on some level. Then you’ve got to add to that the fact that when they change, there can be nuances within your own relationship that may shift as they start to see themselves in a different life and begin to live their life in a different kind of way.
All of this might be hard to hear, and yet, as the saying goes, divorce is indeed a type of death — and death affects everyone differently (the grieving process does, too). That’s why, as I close this out, it’s super important to remember to be patient with your friend as they go through their process. Remain calm. Give them space. Get that some days are going to be better than others. Don’t be so quick to respond or react to everything because again, they are grieving. And know that, as I once heard someone on television say, even despair will eventually exhaust itself.
Will divorce change your friend and, in some ways, even shift certain dynamics of your friendship? Probably. Still, if you practice patience, it can actually make your friendship with your friend stronger…even as their marriage may be falling apart. I am living proof of that.
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For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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