Do you ever think back to a television show or movie that you used to really enjoy and, while you still have a powerful amount of nostalgic feelings for it, years later, you can't help but give it major side-eye?
That's how I feel about the original Beverly Hills, 90210. Although the reruns immediately take me back to when I was in high school and even college, Lord, did they have some pretty racially-ridiculous episodes (like the one that had Vivica A. Foxx in it or the one when West Beverly High was scared to have a dance with a Black high school). And where were the Black people?! OK. But I digress.
The reason why I'm bringing it up at all is because there was an episode when fine-as-he-wanna-be Brandon was dating this chick named Emily. One night, she got him on ecstasy without telling him. When he found out and broke up with her, she made up a lame reason to spend the night at his house in order to seduce him. They made out for a bit and then he stopped and told her he was done. The next day, when Emily told Brandon that she didn't believe him because of how into her he was while he was on drugs, he said something that has always stayed with me:
(Paraphrased) "Emily, that was nothing more than a physical reaction…like when your doctor hits you on the knee or something. It didn't mean anything."
Hmph. Don't get me started on how a lot of us could stand to ponder that when it comes to casual sex in general. But when it comes to the focus of this particular piece, as a pseudo-pop-off-in-recovery, there are also some of us who could live a much simpler and peace-filled life if when something or someone triggers us, we wait for the immediate impulse to pass before saying or doing anything too.
Because, like Brandon, oftentimes once the initial feeling subsides, we calm down and our common sense takes over, we tend to see the situation—or at least how to approach it—very differently. Sometimes, whatever "it" was didn't mean as much to us as our feelings first told us that it did.
If you know you are prone to have knee-jerk reactions to everything, here's what I've learned to do in order to reroute taking that kind of approach:
Relax. Relate. Release. Literally.
True A Different World fans know where the phrase "relax, relate, release" comes from—Whitley's therapist (played by Debbie Allen). In one episode, as she was expressing to Whitley that Whitley couldn't control Dwayne's feelings, only her own, the therapist introduced what we all should keep in the back of our minds whenever we're offended, anxious, or straight-up pissed: "You need to relax, relate, and release into reality."
The reality is, oftentimes us going off only makes matters worse. So, no matter what has transpired, take a moment to breathe deeply (relax), think about what's got you so heated (relate), and release as much pop-off energy as possible before saying or doing anything else.
Respond vs. React
Have mercy, the amount of drama I could've spared in my life if I had mastered this, years and years ago. Although responding and reacting might seem like the same thing on the surface, they aren't. When you're responding to something, you're reacting in a way that is favorable (a way that is positive or at least advantageous). When you're reacting, you're either reciprocating what was done to you or you're acting in opposition to something or someone. See how responding is a lot more beneficial than reacting?
Now, I'm not saying that by choosing to respond, you have to be a doormat or punk yourself out. I'm just saying that…if your co-worker says something crazy, if your boyfriend does something inconsiderate, if you and Comcast are having it out for the third time this month (SMH), take a moment to think about what you can say or do that will work in your favor rather than against it. Thinking before doing is the cornerstone wisdom of responding vs. reacting.
Remember That Nothing Is EVER Truly Deleted Online
Two reads that are worth checking are the think piece "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists" and a science-based article "Narcissism and Social Networking." They both provide some interesting food for thought that back up another reason why a lot of us are probably having more knee-jerk reactions than ever—we are constantly taking in info and commenting online. As a direct result, we've become soooooooo opinionated that we sometimes forget that other people have the right to their opinions too; that they shouldn't be cyberbullied into thinking like we do. (Narcissism is a beast, y'all.)
Back when I used to have a Facebook page, I must admit, things were pretty lively on it. It was more of a "Hey, check out this article and let's all discuss" kind of forum and one of my rules was no comment (even when folks came for me) got removed. Boy oh boy, did that lead to some pretty interesting conversations/debates/flat-out arguments.
On one hand, it was cool to see and take in so many different perspectives. At the same time, it can get really easy to be so comfortable sitting in our homes while hamming away at our keyboards that we forget we're not just talking to a handful of individuals. Unless we're inboxing or DM'ing (and even then, things are usually not as "private" as we'd like to think), there is an entire audience of other individuals who are watching (which sometimes means trolling) too. Strangers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Haters. Even bosses or prospective employers.
A wise man once said, "The internet is not written in pencil but ink." When it comes to your online activity, if you find yourself getting offended or even just feeling some type of way, walk away from your computer or put your phone down for 10 minutes or so. Listen to a favorite song or hit up a friend and vent your frustrations before you decide to type anything.
If you don't do that, while you can delete whatever your emotional reaction was, if it was inflammatory enough, there's a chance someone caught it (and saved it) before you could remove it. And shoot, even if you do remove it, when it comes to what's expressed in cyberspace, it's still around…somewhere (check out "Experts: Deleted Online Information Never Actually Goes Away").
Embrace the Sensei Power of Silence
Sometimes, when my pop-off spirit wants to rise up and take over, I'll think back to Mr. Miyagi from the original The Karate Kid. Remember how calm he was when he was teaching Daniel-san how to fight? (#waxonwaxoff) Mr. Miyagi was always so calm and soft-spoken, no matter how mad Daniel got. Why? Because he knew his own power. He didn't have to prove it.
Trust you me, lately, I have been floored by some of the nasty capabilities of human nature. But now, more than ever, I have learned that silence is not only golden, it's oftentimes the most effective approach to matters. Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence." Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." Euripides once said, "Silence is true wisdom's best reply."
When you know your own strength and power, you also know how important it is to conserve it. Silence is not a weakness. It is a tried and true superpower.
Ask Yourself If You Can Stand by Your Actions a Month from Now
Because I've learned all of what I just shared, I'm going to leave the details out. But something happened to me recently that, let me just say would've had Shellie from two years ago using some of the dirty cuss words. Shellie circa 2019 is like, "I don't even feel like dealing with the fallout later." Avoiding the drama that could ensue from me "getting things off of my chest" makes it worth it to just…leave things where they are.
Back to the whole doctor hitting you on the knee thing, when something or someone gets underneath your skin, it's a natural reaction to what to do something. Don't feel bad about that part. All I'm saying is they already used up some of your precious energy and time, even if it's just internally. Before giving them even more of it, decide if you want to possibly deal with the consequence of your knee-jerk reaction a month or even a year from now. If the answer is "no," then do what you need to resolve the matter without making it bigger than it already is.
Knee-jerk reactions are understandable. More times than not, they are also totally unnecessary.
As someone who used to be the queen of doing what was unnecessary, please choose wisely, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert