How To Still Be A Good Friend...When You're Totally Tapped Out
Friendships are a responsibility. If you don't take anything else away from this article, please try and retain that lil' gem because, I was well into my 30s before I truly did. And with responsibilities, there sometimes comes the need to push through our immediate feelings or situations, in order to handle things in a mature and beneficial way. That's one of the reasons why I wrote the article, "Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'". There have been so many times in my life when a friend has needed me when it wasn't the best time for me personally and vice versa. Still, we were there for each other because, well, that's what real friends do.
Yet what do you do when the moments arise when you feel totally drained, your friends still need you and, while it's totally nothing personal, you feel like you wanna just…vanish for a while? How can you find the balance between still being a good friend and taking care of you too?
If you want to figure out how to personally maintain without sabotaging your friendships in the process, I've got a few tips that have helped me and my friendships to stay afloat.
Figure Out the Source of Your Exhaustion
The die-hard Love & Basketball fans will remember the scene when Quincy came home to see his mom sad and saying, "I am tired." It was an all-encompassing tired. The kind when the source of your stress has you so worn out and spent that you don't know if you need a bottle of wine, two days of uninterrupted sleep, to sit on someone's therapy couch or—all three.
A part of the motive behind the article, "You're Tired AF. But What Kind Of Rest Do You Need?" is because "tired" is a pretty layered word and, it really isn't until you get down to the very source of what is wearing you out that you can get replenished so that you can give out of your surplus rather than out of your lack. So, if your friends are reaching out to you right now yet, in spite of how much you love and care about them, you really don't want to be bothered because you don't have a whole lot to give, spend some quiet time meditating, journaling or just chilling out and reflecting on what could be causing you to feel the way that you do. The sooner you get to the answer, the sooner you can find a solution that will help to revive you again.
Then Figure Out If There’s a Specific Friend Who’s Draining You
OK, so when it comes to figuring out what could be the root of your tapped-out-ness, be honest—is it actually one of your friends? Man, although there's a fair share of articles out in the world that touch on the topic of high-maintenance partners, there aren't nearly enough that get into how to navigate around a high-maintenance friend. You know the type—they've always got a crisis and/or always want advice even though they never take it and/or they always seem to have a ton of more expectations about what you should be giving them than what they should be offering you.
I once had a friend like this (a few actually, over the course of my life). What I came to realize is, because I was putting so much into their emotional vampire-like ways, I oftentimes didn't have enough for me or for my other friends. As a result, a lot of my other relationships suffered. Moral to the story? Once I started to draw boundaries with that particular individual, I began to have a lot more energy and I was able to balance my relationships so much more effectively.
Listen, sometimes the high-maintenance friend has enough good qualities that you don't want to totally cut them out of your life (or, as I prefer to do it these days, release them). Yet if the reason why you feel so tapped out keeps coming back to one specific person, it is definitely time to set some limits—for your sake and so that your other friendships don't get "penalized" due to what one person is doing. Or not doing.
Share How You’re Feeling—Without Any Guilt from Doing So
I am all about taking out friendship inventory. It's when you and a friend are intentional about discussing where your friendship stands at any given moment, so that you both can determine if there are any needs that are going unmet. Just recently, a dear friend of mine and I had one of these. She's the type of person who tries to find the upswing of bad circumstances which is good; it means that she's a positive individual. However, sometimes her timing sucks. What I mean by that is, I could be sharing something that happened that really hurt me and when she comes with her "silver linings", sometimes that comes off as flippant rather than sympathetic.
When I brought all of this to her attention, her feelings were hurt. When I responded with, "Since we are friends, I trust you to say whatever you want without walking on eggshells. At the same time, you've got to accept that I don't always have to like what you say or agree either." When I expressed where I was coming from in that way, she totally got it. We both agreed that having that conversation would definitely help us to communicate more effectively with one another in the future.
For better or for worse, I've got a couple of friends who, when they are worn out, upset or frustrated (whether it's with me, another friend or due to some other reason), rather than sharing that, they get ghost. All that does is cause me to worry about them and try and seek them out when, if they had simply called or even shot an email to say, "I need some time", I'd be less concerned and they would automatically get the space that they need.
Personally, I think one of the biggest mistakes in relationships is that so many folks expect others to be mind readers. In order for any kind of relationship to be healthy, people need to share their feelings and feel totally safe, comfortable, loved and accepted while doing so. If you love your friends yet, for whatever the reason, you need a minute, tell them that. Only a bad friend would try and make you feel guilty or penalize you for sharing where you are coming from. And if someone isn't serving you well…well.
Ask Your Friends What They Need. Then Negotiate.
Not too long ago, a married friend told me that she heard someone say that they don't like to use the word "negotiate" when it comes to marriage because it means that someone ends up "winning" at the end of the negotiation and that shouldn't be the goal. I really do strive to be as word specific as possible and so, since I know that definitions of negotiate include ones like "to arrange for or bring about by discussion and settlement of terms" and "to move through, around, or over in a satisfactory manner", I personally like the word "negotiate" a lot. At the end of the day, it's all about compromising and, for relationships to remain healthy and functional, compromising needs to happen—often.
That said, when you know that you're in a season when you'd like to focus more on self than others, a way to remain a good friend in the process is to ask what your friends need from you during that time. Share with them where you're at, both mentally and emotionally, and then try and figure out where the two of you can meet in the middle.
For instance, if you've got the kind of friend who needs a lot of quality time, to the point where you can rarely get off of the phone with them in under an hour, let them know that you're still available for emergencies but a half-hour chat, a couple of times a week (maybe even once a week), is all you can do right now. Again, if they're a good friend, they're gonna recognize how you prioritizing them at all means that you value the relationship, so they'll be thankful and back off a bit. Besides, if you are the only person who they can rely on—and more importantly, if they don't know how to do an adult-level of self-soothing—there is some imbalance in your friendship, anyway. Right?
“Love Language” Your Friendships
If you haven't already read it, one article that I encourage you to check out on this platform is, "This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships". By knowing if your friends feel most loved by words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time or gifts—that can also help you to figure out how to still be available to them, when you're tapped even, just on a less active level. For instance, if you've got a friend whose primary love language is words of affirmation, while you might not feel up to phone conversations at the moment, sending them a Hallmark card or shooting a text about how much you appreciate them will speak volumes in their life. Or, if you've got a friend whose primary love language is acts of service and you know that they've got a big project coming up, sending them something that can make completing the project easier would probably really make them feel seen and appreciated.
It's been my experience that, a lot of people can handle their friends not being as available as they usually are, so long as they still feel connected to their friends on some level. There are all kinds of ways to let your peeps know that you "got them" without you having to further exhaust yourself in the process. You just need a little quiet time and creativity to figure it all out.
Don’t Force What Isn’t There
Even with all that I just said, sometimes "it's" (the time, effort, energy or even interest) just not in you, no matter how much you wish that it were. This is when your friends need to show up and reveal how much they've got your back. I remember back when I went through my last heartbreak, one of my closest friends literally sat on the phone with me while I cried, pretty much all day long. Not only that but she had food delivered to my home—and she lives in another state. She's married, with kids and has a really booming career, so best believe that all of that was a sacrifice. Matter of fact, she actually had some things going on at the time that she needed to discuss. Still, she put things on the back burner to help me through.
And you know what? If you're so tapped out that you need a little help, your true friends will see that, put their needs (from you) on the side, for a season, as well. Because another beautiful thing about friendship is, when two people are good friends to each other, they both are willing to make sacrifices to help one another out.
We all have moments when we're simply spent. Communicate. Compromise. And allow your friends to be a friend to you when they've got more in them at the time than you do. If everyone lived by this rule, friendships would remain intact. Even during the "Girl, I'm just so tired" seasons of life.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Tubi has been gaining popularity due to its free sign-up and a vast selection of series and films. According to Deadline, the FAST (free ad-streaming television) service has seen a 14.7% growth from May and now has similar numbers to Disney+. So while many people have joked about Tubi having low-budget movies, the numbers don't lie.
In fact, I was one of those people who didn't get the appeal of Tubi, but the more I watched it, the more I enjoyed the content. They have some of our favorite TV series, such as Scandal and Star, as well as big films like the Fast and Furious franchise and cult classic Love & Basketball.
Tubi even has its own original movies and series that are just as entertaining. But while Tubi is on the come up, some of the low-budget movies and hood movies are still a must-watch. From Tubi originals to the hood movies, we've put together a list of shows and movies to add to your watchlist.
Cinnamon
Cinnamon is an original Tubi movie that stars Hailey Kilgore (Juke from Power Book III: Raising Kanan), Damon Wayans, and Pam Grier. It's a love story gone awry after a robbery turns deadly, and a young couple faces many challenges to make it out alive.
The Dirty D
The Dirty D is one of the first things I watched on Tubi, as many people highly recommended it. It's a series set in a Detroit club, and it has all the drama you can think of. Murder, drug dealing, cheating, greed, and more.
Black Men Don't Cheat
In this film, a young woman grapples with the death of her husband while also discovering his secret life, which puts her in danger.
Mother May I
This movie fully captivates the overbearing mother. However, the ending will shock you as she goes a little too far.
The Stepdaughter
When a young girl moves in with her dad and his new wife, a series of unfortunate events occurs. This Tubi original will keep your attention with every turn.
These Men For Everybody
These Men For Everybody is a film that highlights the tangled web of friendships and relationships and how you can't trust anybody.
Best Friend
What happens when your best friend is obsessed with you? This movie, which stars Serayah and Marques Houston, answers this very question and takes us on a ride in the process.
What's Done After Dark
What's Done After Dark shows us that everything isn't always what it seems. The twist at the end is a real doozy.
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