One day, I'm gonna get around to writing a piece on signs that a woman has some bona fide daddy issues. Why? Because I don't see how any of us could have a healthy relationship with our father (not just a relationship; a healthy one. That really can't be said enough) and then turn around and find a way to dog men—especially Black men—out at every turn. Without hesitation or apology, I will say it until every single cow comes home because, that's how much I mean it—you cannot be pro-Black and be anti-Black men (same goes for Black men when it comes to Black women).
That's why I intentionally seek to write content like what I'm about to share. As someone who is a huge advocate of Black love—both romantic and platonic—I think it's important for us to hear what Black men need and for them to hear what we need as well. Unfortunately, far too often, when it comes to what guys desire from us, we tend to either tell them what we think they should have or decide amongst ourselves. Hmph. I sit in enough counseling sessions with married couples to know that both of those approaches are more counterproductive than not.
So today, we're gonna tackle the topic of emotional pampering. What's that? What's sad is, when I brought this up to one of the guys in this feature, he was stumped for an entire day before he could express what he needed in this area. "I'm so used to women only thinking that their needs matter, that I honestly don't know how to answer that question. I think I've had a wall up for so long when it comes to my emotional needs that I assumed they would never get met."
That's not good, y'all. Not by a long shot. To be pampered is "to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care". I've known this guy for decades at this point. He's a good man. Do you know how deep it is for him to say that he feels like no woman has made treating him with great kindness and care a priority? Wow.
Emotional pampering is something that should be seen as a necessity, not a luxury, in relationships. If you want to protect and preserve the one that you have with the men in your life, here are what some fellas told me makes them feel loved on, in this particular kind of way.
***middle names have been used so that folks can keep their private lives private***
10 Black Men Define Emotional Pampering in Their Own Words
Evan. 32. In a Relationship. "Wow. This question is kinda deep. I never thought about being pampered in any emotional way. But now that you've broken the definition down, I just want to be listened to. I kinda laughed when there were all those memes about Kamala needing to check Pence for over-talking her during their debate because I was like, 'Do women realize that's how they are in relationships?' I can't tell you how many times I've not been able to complete a sentence or I've been told that how I feel isn't the truth, just because a woman might not understand. It happened with my mom while growing up and in a lot of my relationships now. Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
James. 44. Single. "Care is pampering, huh? If that's the case, I feel like a woman truly cares about me when she asks me how I'm doing and accepts the answer. If I say that 'I'm fine', there doesn't need to be any more crime scene investigating, just because she might not offer up one-word answers if someone asked her the same thing. If I say that I'm not and I share what's going on, sometimes I just wanna get my feelings off of my chest and just hang out afterwards. Watch a movie. Vibe to some music. Have a glass of wine. A woman who really cares about how I am, takes it at face value, and then just calmly shares my space with me while I process, is some next-level lovin'. It might not sound deep, but it is."
"Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
Roger. 28. Single. "This might sound weird, but you know how I like to be pampered? You leaving your past in the past. Can I get an 'amen' on this because, so much drama can be avoided in relationships when people make sure they aren't comparing their exes to their current situation. It's lowdown to be out here comparing me, holding me to a crazy standard you've come up with based on your damaged psyche, or deciding that I need to fix some other guy's f—k ups. That only causes me to raise my guard and that doesn't help the relationship to get anywhere. Going into a relationship with as little baggage as possible might seem like a low bar but men, we love it. It spares us so much bulls—t."
Kendall. 24. Single. "I like when I'm not held accountable for my vulnerabilities. There is nothing like telling a woman something that's difficult to talk about and then she uses it as ammo when you least expect it. One ex of mine, I shared with her how bad I was with money in college because I wasn't taught anything about finances while growing up. When I lost my job while we were dating, she immediately went in on how I needed to budget better since I was 'bad with money'. Women are always talking about wanting a man who will be forthcoming with them. If you really want that, don't penalize us once we are."
Anthony. 39. In a Relationship. "What a great question. Personally, I like it when a woman foresees a need and meets it. She knows my love language and speaks it. She remembers what my favorite meal is and makes it or orders it. If she can sense that I need space, she gives it without making me feel guilty. A woman who makes it a point to be in tune with how a man moves is sexy as hell to me."
Malik. 47. Married. "Kindness is a form of pampering? Hmph. I don't think I ever knew that. Now that I do, I'll say that my wife is extremely good at emotionally pampering me. There are a million examples, but I think my favorite is she doesn't try to change me. When I was dating, I came across women who thought I was their project. While they liked certain things, they had the mentality that they needed to do some 'alterations'. That's annoying as hell. My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
"My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
Kyle. 36. Single. "Boundaries. To me, that is what emotionally pampering is all about. There are some things that are just between me and my lady, period. She's not telling her mom. She's not telling her best friend. It's not brought up 'anonymously' at work. A lot of us don't trust easily, as it is. I get that women are sometimes more relational than we are, but why does that mean that you need to have my business all out in the street? We want to be able to share everything about us, but not if we think your girlfriends are going to know about it. Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Winston. 26. Single. "Wanting to understand where I'm coming from is really kind to me. I don't just mean in my relationship with a woman either. What I'm talking about is, if I'm talking to a woman, any woman really, about something that's happening in my life, rather than them feeling like they need to be some sort of 'emotional coach', they just work to get where I'm coming from. As Black men, we're misunderstood a lot. Women who try and sympathize or even empathize with certain issues or struggles means more than most women know."
"Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Samson. 33. Engaged. "Encouragement is a big point for me. My lady now is great at that. I'm actually really attracted to women with strong personalities, but I think a lot of women think that correction is encouragement. It's not. Remember that scene in Brown Sugar when Taye Diggs' character told his wife that he quit his job because he was unhappy and she immediately started preaching about how dumb of a decision that was? Wanna know why he ended up with fine ass Sanaa Lathan instead? Because she encouraged him. Why would you want your man to be somewhere where he's not happy? It's hard enough being a Black man out here without having your woman trying to mother you all the time. Pamper me by having my back and letting me know that you think I can do whatever it is I set out to do. That kind of woman is one in a million, boy."
Xavier. 40. Divorced. "I feel extremely cared for when a woman doesn't assume that I don't like some of the same things that she does. I would consider myself to be really masculine, but I enjoy flowers, cards and spontaneous dates. You might've heard that if we get sex and food, we're pretty happy. Well, first, that needs to be good sex and good food. But seriously…simple acts of forethought and kindness are all that a lot of us want or need. Just knowing that you want to make us feel cared for and about is enough to make a good man want to give a woman the world."
These are just 10 men and their thoughts. What I recommend is that you ask the "main" man in your life, along with some of your own male friends and/or co-workers about what makes them feel emotionally pampered too. It's not about judging or editing their answers because, if there's one point that these men have driven home, it's that emotionally connecting is key and that comes from taking their words and feelings—well, literally.
All of us need to be pampered—treated with great kindness and care. Make it a point to emotionally pamper the men in your life. You might just be surprised by how much it will benefit your relationship with them…if/when you do.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023