I love the soft life aesthetic. I love seeing Black women and femmes indulge in rest and find new ways to treat themselves to nice things. But, it isn't lost on me that some components of this lifestyle require access to resources that are hard to come by. For many people, a soft life is the ultimate goal—nobody wants to struggle. Unfortunately, life is not always easy and carefree.
You won't always have the funds to take a trip on short notice, visit the spa weekly or pay someone to clean your home. We often sacrifice our time and energy to meet deadlines at work, take care of our loved ones, or work multiple jobs to make ends meet. Sometimes, we go through difficult experiences that test our resilience and strength.
How To Live a Soft Life on a Budget
While a soft life might seem like a pipe dream for some, it's important to remember that we all have different definitions of what a soft life looks like. For some people, simply being able to experience leisure and enjoy the simple pleasures in life is enough. For others, the soft life means a life of luxury.
No matter how you define a soft life before you can have one, you must work on your mindset and create habits that will help you maintain the lifestyle long-term. Here are a few ways you can do that:
1. Schedule "me time."
" Me time" is intentional time you spend nurturing yourself and restoring your energy so you're not running on empty. This is essential to sustaining your well-being, but it's one of the first things we'll sacrifice. Sometimes we'll notice that we have free time on our schedule and immediately think of how we can use that time to be productive. Someone will ask us to help them, and we'll say "yes" even though we want to spend that time doing something for ourselves. Think of "me time" as going on a date with yourself. Don't cancel your date! If you have to cancel, make sure you reschedule. Remember, "me time" isn't your free time.
2. Cultivate new beliefs about rest.
If you tie your self-worth to how productive you can be or grew up in an environment where you were called lazy for relaxing, you may feel guilty when you aren't busy. Rest shouldn't be the response or reward for overworking yourself. Making time for restshould be a staple part of your daily routine. If you find yourself overworked, even when unasked, try setting boundaries and limits with yourself. For example:
- No working past 6 p.m.
- No working on weekends and holidays.
- Take three breaks during the workday.
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3. If you don't have to struggle, don't.
Struggling doesn't always make the journey worthwhile or the destination meaningful. You don't have to struggle to have an empowering, "relatable," or inspirational story. We aren't all dealt the same cards, so if you currently have access to things that make it "easier" for you to accomplish something or achieve your goal, take it—don't feel guilty. Choose ease.
4. Let people help you.
This is a big one. If you have well-intended people in your circle of trust willing to help you, let them help. Some of us fear letting people help us because we don't want to be a burden, we fear coming off as incompetent, or we don't want people to throw us needing help back in our faces. Life is hard. Trying to figure everything out on your own is overwhelming. Find the courage to be vulnerable and accept help when it's being offered. If you have people in your life who make you feel like a burden or you're in one-sided relationships, it may be to re-evaluate whether you want to continue investing your energy with those people.
5. Speak to yourself kindly.
We spend a lot of time talking to ourselves. What does your inner voice sound like? Does the voice inside your head tend to be negative and critical? If it is, that's okay. Negative self-talk is something that starts in childhood. Statements like "you're so dumb," and "what would even possess you to do something so stupid" can get ingrained in our psyche. But we have the power to interrupt that voice and replace it with one that's compassionate and kind. If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk often, try placing affirmations around your house and say them out loud when you see them. It may be uncomfortable at first, but over time you'll become used to associating yourself with positivity. Also, take time to examine where those negative thoughts came from and do the work to let them go.
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6. Stop trying to be humble.
I hate when people say, "I don't want to gas you up" or "don't let it get to your head." People always try to remind people not to get too full of themselves. Why? Humility means "not proud or haughty; not arrogant or assertive." It doesn't mean you don't take time to not compliment yourself and bask in all the great things about you. Tell yourself you did a good job today. Tell yourself you look good. That way, when people reiterate those thoughts to you, you're not shocked and it doesn't feel foreign to you.
7. Focus on what you can control.
Sometimes we worry about things we can't control, like other people, the future, and the past. We worry about things that might not even happen, ruminate, or how we wish things would have gone. We can't stop worrying, but we can try to interrupt these thought patterns and focus on calming methods.
8. Stop trying to be the hero.
It isn't your job to heal, fix and rescue everyone from themselves. Sometimes we play the role of rescuer in our friendships and romantic relationships because it gives us something to do. Sometimes we fall into that role to avoid facing what's most important, ourselves. We end up losing ourselves and straying further from our own healing and happiness attempting to save other people. Find the courage to focus on rescuing and keeping yourself.
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9. Prioritize joy.
Indulge in things that make you smile or make you feel genuinely happy. Dancing to your favorite song, watching an episode of your favorite show, reading your favorite book, or wearing your favorite shoes. Savor those fun and peaceful moments.
10. Accept that you are worthy and deserving.
You don’t need to do anything to deserve the soft life—it doesn’t have to be earned. When we believe we are worthy of a life guided by ease and comfort, we will reject things that don’t align with that vision and make decisions that get us closer to maintaining that lifestyle.
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
____
Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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