I can't recall when I first heard what I'm about to share, but it is something that I hold close to me; especially when I'm in the process of trying to make a rather significant decision—"Don't focus on what makes you feel good; focus instead on what you know is right." The reason why I so wholeheartedly agree with that way of thinking is because, personally, I think people are way too addicted—yes, addicted—to their emotions. And feelings? They can change at the drop of a dime. This means that if you're solely dependent on them, you could end up on an emotional roller coaster ride that can have you constantly feeling confused, unsettled and unsure. And because of that, your life decisions will, as they say, keep that same energy.
On the other hand, when the focus is on doing what is truly right for you, that's a bit different. I'll give you an example. Recently, one of my writing gigs gave me a raise. Putting that extra money into a savings account so that I can travel more is good. But right now, Uncle Sam and I have some things to work through, so hiring a reputable accountant is what's right. I recently had a conversation with a relative that was disconcerting to say the least. There was so much toxicity in it that establishing immediate boundaries would've been good. But because I know what it's like to not feel heard or validated, I listened and supported; at the time, that is what was right.
When doing what is right is what truly matters to you, it means that you are factoring in things like truth, facts, principles and timing; you're putting in the effort to make sure that all of these things will work together for your ultimate good. You're not only interested in how to appease your emotions or what will make you feel good in the moment. Doing what is right is about maturity and taking your future into account; even if it's not always easy, comfortable or what your heart—the center of your emotions—wants to do.
While keeping all of this in mind, how can you know if something—or one—really is right for you? That's kind of a loaded question, but here is a bit of a "cheat sheet" to hopefully help you out.
Your “Human Trinity” Is in Agreement
So, what is the "human trinity"? I define it as being the mind, body and spirit (for the church folks who may find it disrespectful, the actual word "trinity" isn't in the Bible. I refer to the "three in one" as the Godhead [I John 5:8], just for the record). These things are designed to work in harmony with one another. So, if there is something that you are considering doing or there's someone who you're thinking about getting involved with, take out a moment to listen to what your mind, body and spirit are saying. Is there a thought in the back of your mind that is telling you that it's not a good idea? Do you literally experience an uncomfortable physical reaction? As far as how your spirit/soul operates, check out "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul" for a bit of a breakdown.
When I look back over my life, most of the things that I regret, I did without making sure that all three parts of me were, for the most part, on the same page. Meanwhile, the things that I feel really good about, even to this day, my human trinity was at total peace at the time that I decided to do it. I'm pretty sure that's not a coincidence.
It Doesn’t Compromise Your Principles or Values
We're living in a time when people are attacking principles and values on every hand. While it's one thing to allow someone the space and freedom to live out their truth, it's another thing for those same individuals to berate someone else for the beliefs that they personally have. If you want respect, you must give respect. But that's another article for another time. What I will say, for now, is that no matter how much bullying—both online or off—that may be going on these days, it speaks volumes about your level of integrity if you don't allow it to compromise (or silence) your own core principles and values because they are a huge part of your foundation and character. They are a large part of what makes you…you.
A great quote that fits in really well with this particular point is by the French novelist and poet Victor Hugo—"Change your opinions, keep to your principles; change your leaves, keep intact your roots." Amen. That said, if what you're about to do involves invalidating your core principles and values? Well, the phrase "selling your soul" covers a lot of ground; this is just one of the examples of doing it. And, at the end of the day, it really isn't worth it.
You Can Already See How It Will Contribute to Your Growth and Development
You may be familiar with a really popular Alice Walker quote that says, "No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow." This is a powerful quote all on its own (check out "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" and "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" for a co-sign), but if I were to tweak it a bit to fit this article, I'd say, "Nothing is right for you if it hinders your growth and development." I don't care if it's a man, a job, a church or anything else—if we're not moving forward, we're either remaining stagnant or going backwards; those last two options aren't even remotely healthy.
So yeah, as you're in the process of trying to figure out if something is truly right for you or not, ask yourself if it will put you in a more progressive state a year from now? If you can't definitely say that, well, that's something to really think about. Isn't it?
It Invigorates and Inspires You
To be invigorated is to be filled with life and energized. To be inspired is to be compelled or influenced to produce something; something that is typically new. When something is truly right for you, these two things should definitely come into play.
I consider myself to be a creative. Something that I know about creative types is we're constantly driven by inspiration. When I recently checked out the article "10 Creative People Share What Inspires Them", some of the things that other creatives shared they are inspired by includes taking risks, challenges, relationships, self-reflection and nature. That's their list. What's yours?
For this point, let's look at it through a romantic lens. I know a married couple who talk all of the time about them knowing that they were right for each other because they both inspired one another to attempt things that they would've never considered prior to meeting. Not only that but, even after all of these years later, they wake up with a sense of excitement because, since they are both so spontaneous and driven, they never really know what to expect.
Doesn't reading that just make you feel invigorated? Yeah, if something is really right for you, it will cause you to feel a sense of exhilaration. It will motivate you in ways that nothing else quite has before too. If something doesn't move you like this, while I won't go all in and say that it's exactly "wrong", what I will say is do a little more investigating; something is definitely kinda sorta…off.
It Will Get You “Unstuck”
I've got a friend who keeps, as the old folks say, going around Charlie's barn. She does it on the professional tip. She gets a job at a company she doesn't like, stays for a couple of years, then looks for another job in the same field for about the same salary, only to find herself restless about six months in. I've watched her do this for about 15 years now. Finally, I flat-out asked her why she keeps doing that to herself. What she told me was although she has a passion for teaching, the irony is all of the jobs that make her unhappy are giving her more experience in a particular field. So, she thinks that it makes more sense to keep doing what she doesn't like than to step out and start all over.
OK, y'all. Guess how many of us absolutely hate what we do for a living. A whopping 85 percent! When you stop and think about the fact that you spend most of your waking hours at your place of employment, what sense does it make to be someplace where you are unhappy? The entire time that your eyes are open? Uh-uh. Better to start over than to die a slow death in a familiar space.
Another way to know if something is right for you is it will encourage you to get out of doing the same ole', same ole'; from living as if you are stuck in a rut.
That said, if you've been stuck in a rut for so long, you don't even know what that looks like, here are some telling signs—you are bored a lot; you hold onto toxic habits and people simply because they are familiar to you; every day feels like you are doing nothing more than going through the motions; there's nothing that you really have to look forward to and the only thing you really look forward to is ending the day and going to sleep. C'mon sis, what could possibly be right about any of that?
You Have Total Peace
At this stage in my life, "peace" is one of my favorite words. And yes, a final indication that something (or one) is truly right for you is it will bring tranquility, order ("order" is a BIG one) and calm into your world. There will be less confusion. Less tension and stress. And definitely less drama (when things are right, drama significantly decreases).
Based on what peace means, I seriously doubt someone else's husband is right for you. I seriously doubt taking a job that doesn't recognize your gifts and talents is right for you. I also seriously doubt remaining in a toxic relationship, whether it's a family member, friend or significant other, is right for you.
So, take a deep breath and think about all that you just read. What in your life, at this very moment, is truly right for you? Whatever isn't, it's time to do a little internal house cleaning. So that you can make room for what's better than average or even good. It's time to embrace all that is truly RIGHT. Right?
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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