I’d say that somewhere around 70 percent of my article pitches/ideas come out of random conversations that I have with clients or just people I encounter along the way. It happens so regularly that my friends tend to trip out on the fact that even complete strangers will tell me some of their deepest and darkest secrets.
Exhibit A: two servers I encountered recently who first started talking to me about what they loved about their partners; then the convo transitioned into one of them sharing some details about their amazing sex life and what caused their partner to earn that title. It was a truly fascinating discussion.
As I started to ask some other people about what made them want to give someone a four-star rating when it comes to coitus, I just knew that I had to share some of my findings with y’all. Because, just like the server who told me that the combination of strong sexual chemistry, great oral sex technique, and never not being in the mood to have sex is what made their best be THE BEST, the 15 people (per usual, middle names are used) you’re about to hear from had some somewhat layered reasons for how that special someone made it to the top of their “best sex list” too. Can you relate?
GiphyAnais. 31.
“Remember how you once told me that men should look for women who enjoy sex more than women who are skilled at it? That is some solid insight right there because there is nothing like someone with a high sex drive and an insatiable curiosity. This girl in college was a lot like that. It didn’t matter when or where she was down — and the more creative stuff that I could come up with, the better. I never told her this, but I was turned out alright. Even while we’re talking about this, my toes are curling. Sh-t.”
Ravyn. 29.
“My best experience was with a best male friend of mine. There’s something about sex with someone who really knows you — all of you. It actually was so good, physically and emotionally, that we still double back a couple of times a year…and we started having sex in college. And it only gets better every time. I don’t know if I’ll ever go cold turkey with it. It’s just that mind-blowing, and it really hasn’t changed our friendship. Maybe we’re unicorns.”
GiphyXoan. 26.
“The best experience I had was with someone no one would expect. She’s one of the most uppity women in my church and around my mom’s age. We had sex during the holiday season a couple of years ago after I spent a few weeks doing some random stuff for her around the house. That woman was nasty, and the fact that she acted so holy on Sundays made the sex even better. I would still be sleeping with her now if she hadn’t gotten remarried. I side-eye that n-gga every Sunday, I swear.”
Marleigh. 40.
“The best sex I’ve ever had is with my now ex-husband. I think we would’ve divorced a lot sooner if the sex hadn’t been so good. Hmph. I also don’t think we would’ve gotten married had I not been so into him sexually. Even though I basically can’t stand him now, it’s still hard to turn down that good ‘d’ that he’s got. Let me be a cautionary tale that just because a man knows how to handle your body, that doesn’t mean he knows what to do with your heart.”
GiphyMurray. 49.
“My wife made me wait until we got married — and I was pissed about that. Turns out, she’s my best, and my favorite and I’m not just saying that because we’re together. It’s like the moment we said our vows and shared our first night together as a married couple, an entirely different side of her personality came out. She’s a beast. She kind of scared me at first because I didn’t know if I would have what it took to please her, especially long-term. She told me that she had a pattern of having ‘married sex’ with men in the past. When I asked her what married sex was, she said, ‘Only husbands deserve a certain level of freak. You’ve earned it. And you’re gonna get it for the rest of your life’…and I have been. Sixteen years in now.”
Yvonne. 37.
“There’s this guy at my job who I can’t stand. He’s arrogant. He’s condescending. He’s fine, though, so when he asked me out last year, I agreed, thinking that it was a free meal and that maybe he was only putting on a front at work. He wasn’t, but something about his nasty-ass attitude off of the clock intrigued me. So, we went on a couple of more dates, and one night, we had sex. It was like the more he got on my nerves, the more orgasms I had. And that mouth that won’t shut TF up in the office is a walking library of dirty words in the bedroom. I still can’t stand him, and I’ll never tell him that he’s the best that I’ve ever had — but he really is. Hmph. A—hole.”
GiphyMaceo. 33.
“My best was a virgin. I don’t know what to tell you other than she didn’t tell me until it was over that she even was one. I was shocked because she brought it. She said that people assume that just because virgins may not have had intercourse that it doesn’t mean they haven’t done other things or haven’t studied things about sex — that they’re not stupid. I’ve never thought that, but after her, I’m sold. Don’t underestimate ‘em. Some will teach you a thing or two. I don’t know what books she was reading but sh-t, girl.”
Cassian. 29.
“I’ve got an ex who we had better sex once we broke up than when we were together. What’s wild about that is, a part of the reason why I decided to call it quits is because I felt like I was gonna cheat because the sex was only okay. He and I talked about how it ended up playing out, and he said that he thinks that the pressure of being in a relationship is what broke us. Maybe. And before you ask why I would give an ex some, we didn’t break up on bad terms. He’s still a good friend, and so I trust him to do some stuff that I wouldn’t with someone new. I can come up with all kinds of wild ideas, and I’m not embarrassed or scared. ‘Ex sex’ can be underrated, and I will forever die on that hill.”
GiphyEnoch. 26.
“I once had a girlfriend who had sex themes in her apartment. Every time I would get ready to come over, she would text me to pick a room. Then she would meet me at the door with a blindfold, take me into the room, and we’d have sex. It was creative, and that was sexy as hell. But it was also like she was trying to outdo her own self every time we were together. That woman never got boring, and sex with her never got old.”
Seren. 35.
“My first still holds that position, and I had sex with him in college. He was so interested in learning about every part of my body, and the way he kissed my mouth is exactly the way he kissed me everywhere. It was like he made it his personal mission to give me more orgasms every time we were together, and he really got me to like my body. No man has topped him since. Not sure if any guy ever will.”
GiphySamson. 40.
"I’ve only technically had one one-night stand. Why I use ‘technical’ is another conversation, but what I will say is, I don’t know her last name, and because we decided to end hours of talking with a hotel reservation, I don’t know where she lives either. It was a couple of years ago. I had a messy breakup a couple of months before meeting her, and she was newly divorced. She was basically all of the things that I wished my ex was, and she said the same thing about me. The sex was touching on all kinds of points. I don’t know if it was more about feeling truly understood about her or how it felt to have no-attachments sex, but there [were] no reservations, and we both went out of our way to please each other. We spent the night and then kind of agreed that it would be no more than that. I’ve never seen her since. Sometimes, I even wonder if it ever happened…even though I know that it did.”
Unique. 31.
“Nerdy tech guys who only seem like nice guys, get you one. Those men are nasty as hell! My first tech guy said they’re that way because they work with their fingers so much during the day that being a finger master in sex is like an occupational hazard. Girl, I don’t know what it is, but the men you would assume know what is going on are usually the disappointment, while the shorter quiet dude is who will pick you up and f-ck you against the wall as you yell out his middle name. My first tech guy is probably the best, but I’m kind of hooked on that demographic now. I’m not convinced that anyone will beat ‘em.”
GiphyOlivia. 25.
“I’m with the person I’ve had the best sex with — my boyfriend. I’ve only been with two other people, but both of them seemed to be more about what they could get from me, not how I can be pleased. My boyfriend is different. Sometimes, he doesn’t even ‘finish,’ and he’s okay with that. I’m not really, but he says that sometimes he just wants me to be pleased. He’s like that outside of sex, too — just a selfless guy. I won’t lie. The fact that he likes to go down but isn’t much of a fan of receiving head is a bonus. I don’t know guys my age could be like him. I’m completely happy.”
Gabriella. 42.
“How a man handles me after sex is what I rate them on. I’m not talking about after he leaves the house — I’m talking about what is his round two game like, how is he when it comes to pillow talk, and does he know how to wake me up for more. Remember when Salt said in ‘Whatta Man’ that her man would knock her out with one shot? I’m not that woman. I might have been that way in my 20s, but my best sex partner came around 32, and he was a great seducer. His stamina was incredible, and he seemed to enjoy everything that led up to sex even more than sex itself. He raised the bar for me, and I haven’t settled since. If you can’t bring your ‘A’ game, leave me be to my wine and Tubi.” (Shellie here: She laughed when she said Tubi. So did I.)
Heleena. 38.
“My study partner while I was in law school holds the title. I haven’t thought about all of the reasons why until now. Of course, the stress release tops them because law school will damn near kill you. But it was also how smart he was, witty he was, and supportive he was. We had a lot in common, down to enjoying the same kind [of] strains of weed, liking the same kind of rap music, and, when the topic of sex would come up, enjoying the same kind of sex positions. At first, we’d just discuss sex, but one night, when I invited him to stay at my place after a long study session, we started kissing on the couch, and things kept going from there.
"Every time, it was intense, long, and it started to become an immediate go-to after sessions. We seemed to be on the same page in a lot of ways — and that translated into our sex life. We’re still in touch now, and sometimes we’ll reminisce. A part of what made the sex so good, I’m sure, is the timing. Not sure it would be exactly the same now…but for what and when it was, I don’t have one regret.”
____
As I’ve taken my own stroll down this particular memory lane, it has reminded me that my “personal best” has some layers to it all too. And you know what? If you think about yours, it probably does as well.
Just one more reminder that sex isn’t as black and white, cut and dried, or one-dimensional as some folks try and make it out to be. What makes sex great and a person “the best” comes with a lot of insights and levels.
Sex — especially really good sex — always does, chile.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends. Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Alex Ratson/ Getty Images
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
Elena Liseykina/ Getty Images
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Walter Bibikow/ Getty Images
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
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