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Now, Here's How To Have A "Sexy Marriage"
I got my start as an entertainment writer. Let me tell you, if you're someone who's super caught up in celebrity culture, do not get into the celebrity business—in any realm. You will learn quick, fast, and in a hurry that many celebs can be a real trip in ways that you would never imagine (girl…girl). If you add to that gig, my current role as a marriage life coach, I'm really not keen on speaking super confidently about people I don't personally know; especially not ones who are famous. I don't care what their IG posts look like or what some article said—unless you know them…you don't.
What I will say is sometimes, if you pay really close attention, what you can feel is a vibe. And y'all, when I watched Barack and Michelle Obama at the inauguration for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, I won't lie—one of the first things I thought was, "Now that's a couple that seems to have a sexy marriage." Again, I don't know them yet their energy just seemed to exude excitement (sexy), appeal (sexy), and that they probably, let's say really enjoy spending quality time together (you feel me?).
That's what we're going to explore today—how to have a sexy marriage. Because, when two people make the decision to cultivate a covenant and spend the rest of their lives together, let's be real—yes, the union should be rooted in things like love, respect, and honesty, but y'all, it should be one that is also super sexy—hot, inviting, mature, seductive and sensuous—too.
1. Make Your Bedroom a Sacred Space
My married friends know that I have a personal rule when it comes to their bedroom—I try my hardest to never go into it. It's not that I've been asked not to (by anyone, ever). It's just that, I feel like if there's one place where a couple should feel is totally theirs, the bedroom would be it. And since I totally agree with interior decorators who say that bedrooms are only for sex and sleep—why do I need to be in their boudoir just casually chopping it up or laying across where folks "engage" when there are plenty of other rooms in the house?
Whenever I do my counseling sessions with engaged or married couples, I share this point. Even when it comes to your kids, why do they need to be all up in that area all of the time? If you treat your bedroom as a sacred and sexy space, one that is just for the two of you to share, it will be easier to have that kind of attitude and energy whenever you walk into it.
See, the problem is, a lot of folks don't feel sexy in their bedroom much because it's also an entertainment room, the children's playpen, and a mini-office. Try and switch that up by only sleeping and sexing in there—then decorate your space in a way that conveys that point. I'm pretty sure your sexual desire will go up a few notches once you do.
2. Refuse to Separate Your Sexuality from Your Spirituality
Something that I personally think makes sex so powerful is it involves every part of you—mind, body and spirit. On the spiritual tip, that's why I've written articles on the site like "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"—they're both reminders that the more spiritually connected you feel with your partner, the better the sex will be. Pretty much, automatically.
Back when we published the article, "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay", some people made fun of it. Me? I was totally down because I am someone who believes that marriage is a spiritual union and since I also believe that a Higher Power plays a role in the relationship and since the Bible shouts out sex quite a bit (Genesis 2:24-25, Proverbs 5, I Corinthians 7:5 and all of the Song of Solomon, for starters), why wouldn't it be smart to incorporate sexuality and spirituality? If that's in the form of "thank you for what we are about to partake of", so be it. If it's spending time in nature with your partner, so be it. If it's coming up with your own rituals, so be it.
Sometimes sex is treated so casually and flippantly that folks struggle with seeing copulation as a spiritual act. Ask married folks who have a fulfilling sex life and I'm willing to bet good money that they absolutely do. Sex can be so powerful that it transcends the physical. Can I get an "amen"? Exactly.
3. Cultivate a “Sexy” Morning Routine
I already know. Some of y'all are like, "Girl, please. I'm good to get out of bed and get to work on time without adding something extra on my plate." I hear you, but setting your alarm 30 minutes earlier, at least three times a week, can make it easier to engage in pillow talk, devotional time, orgasmic meditation, a quickie or even a shower together. And I don't know ANYONE who doesn't have a better day when it doesn't start off with some form of intimacy. Don't knock it until you've tried it, chile.
4. Give Each Other Random Sex Love Language Presents
It's pretty common for couples (especially wives) to say that after a couple of years of marriage, they don't feel "wooed" anymore. You know what's really a trip about that? Many spouses never really make a point to sexually woo their partner at all. While some are great at foreplay (and praise the Almighty for that!), the art of seducing their boo, well before it's time to get it on and in, tends to be a rarity. One way to make yourself exceptional in this case is to randomly send your partner sex gifts/tokens in their own love language. It doesn't have to be anything expensive or super extravagant. It's just a way of letting your partner know that they still turn you on and oftentimes, you're thinking about just how much.
For instance, if their love language is words of affirmation, maybe it's a blank card with all of the things that you find sexy about them being written inside. If it's quality time, plan a sex date. If you check out the article, "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?", hopefully it can provide you with some additional clarity and inspiration. The best lovers can entice their partner, well before they step foot into any bedroom. That's not an opinion. That's a straight up fact.
5. Have Annual Couple Photos (Professionally) Taken
Not too long ago, I was looking at some pictures that a Black photographer took of a Black couple. Whew.Black love? There is absolutely nothing like it. Anyway, what tripped me out is the man and woman were a rich velvety chocolate complexion and while they were fully clothed, the way that they looked at each other was intense AF which made the photos really sexy.
Sadly, some couples don't have any formal pictures other than the ones that they took on their wedding day. Being intentional about having some professional shots taken, on an annual basis if you can, it can help to document your love journey. And, if you blow a few of 'em up and display them, they can remind you of why you and yours fit together so well. And how can you not be turned on by that?
6. Dress Up and Go Out Sometimes
When's the last time that you and your man dressed up for a date? I don't mean that you put on some business casual attire for some random work event where your partner was your plus one. I mean dressing up to the nines and having a date that consists of next-level romance? Something that can cause a lot of sex lives to suffer is the lack of excitement and anticipation. One way to build that back up is to dress up and go out sometimes. I mean, really dress up. Sexy undergarments. Garter belts. Expensive heels. Your very best freakum dress. Him in that suit.
Years ago, I interviewed some men about what really turns them on. Something that many of them agreed on was they like the layers of us—even when it comes to an outfit. Being able to be totally turned on by something we have on and then fantasize about what we look like after each piece is removed was extremely hot to them. At the same token, us being out with our man when he's in a tailored suit, with a manicured beard, fresh haircut and he's talking seductively to us while we're having a candlelit meal or slow dragging on a dance floor? How can that not be sexy? Stop playin'.
7. Create (and Grow) a Sex Drawer
I'm pretty sure that one of those nightstands in your bedroom is full of nothing but junk. Let this be the year when you throw all of those old rollers and random paper clips out so that you can make room for a full-on sex drawer. These are dope because they make having spontaneous sex (which is also a way to make your marriage sexier) easier. And just what should go in said drawer? Flavored condoms (for oral sex). Some throat spray (also for oral sex; click on a popular brand here). Lubrication. Sex toys. Fragrance-free baby wipes (if you wanna do a quick clean-up). A few water bottles (sometimes our breath is a little tart, simply because our mouth is a little dry). Some breath mints. A blindfold and some wrist ties (and/or handcuffs). Massage oil (check out "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage"). A sweet sex condiment like maybe a small jar of honey (did you know that honey never expires?) or chocolate syrup. And anything else that your imagination can come up with (that will fit in there). Then all you've got to do is reach over, pull something out and you're all set.
8. Foreplay Flirt
It takes men five minutes (on average) to climax? For us, it's around 20. You know what that means—the longer the foreplay, the greater the chance is to have an orgasm and to have an intense one, once it happens. However, the key to having a sexy marriage isn't just about participating in foreplay a few minutes before sex goes down. Flirting around with it is an art form too. Sext your partner in the middle of the day. Drop little random notes with inside jokes in them. Wear your partner's favorite color or scent. Go commando sometimes on dates. Send them a sexy photo. You know…flirt. And since it's your man, take it up a notch on how risqué you get with the flirting. My favorite OG couples can still get a hearty "eww" outta me because they are gonna pinch each other's butts and make sexual gestures whether I'm in their presence or not. There is something that is really sweet about that. Nasty (in the best way possible) too.
9. Cook Aphrodisiacs-Only Meals Together
Cooking at home on the regular is not only healthier and more cost-effective, it can do wonders for your relationship too. Cooking together gives you and your man time to get some quality time in. It helps to de-stress the both of you as you cultivate some special memories. And, depending on what you decide to prepare, the atmosphere that you set—along with what you choose to have on while you cook your meal—it can definitely make the experience pretty damn erotic too.
For example, how about dressing up in some lingerie (you) and silk boxers (him) and eating an aphrodisiacs-only meal? Or, you can make dessert the aphrodisiac focus by maybe cooking up some chocolate fondue, baking some pomegranate tarts or making a cheesecake with fig slices on top? You serve that with the right libido-boosting warm drink and how could cooking not be a sexy delight?
10. Toast Each Other with Body Shots Every Once in a While
In a few articles, I have shouted out the importance of couples toasting each other. I dig a good toast—not just because it's an opportunity to drink a little alcohol (wink) but because it can be an "official" way to salute your partner and publicly declare what you appreciate about them. That said, if you want to take things up a notch sexually, swap out the champagne flutes for shot glasses. State something that turns you on about your hubby. Then pull out some Patrón (or whatever your favorite kind of tequila is), slice up some limes, let him pour a little salt on whatever erogenous zone he chooses (so long as it's not his genitalia; that could sting!) and then you lick off the salt, take the alcohol shot and take the lime slice from his mouth. Make it an erotic game by seeing who can come up with the most affirmations while also being able to consume the most shots without getting too woozy. Anyone who knows about how Patrón works can vouch for the fact that you're in for a pretty wild night if you keep it up!
11. Be Open to Taking Sexual Risks
Hey, no risk, no reward. Some of us struggle with the idea of taking a risk, even in the bedroom, because what immediately comes to mind are words like "danger" or "injury". Yet remember, you're not with some random dude off of the street—this is the man who you love and who wants to enjoy pleasing you and being pleased by you. So yeah, talk about your fantasies, make a sex video sometimes, do "that thing" you've always wondered about but have always been too shy to try. Taking risks can oftentimes boost one's confidence (including sexual confidence) and the more confident you are, the better sex always is. And a healthy sex life plays a huge role in a healthy marriage.
12. Don’t Forget About Your Sex Jar
I remember when I first got introduced to the concept of a sex jar. I saw a picture of one on Pinterest and immediately, I was like, "Now, that is the business!" If you've never heard of one before, the long short of it is, for every time you and your partner have sex, you put money into a jar. After six months to a year, you then decide to spend it on something that is specifically for you and yours like a romantic vacation, a night at a hotel or a really high-end date—something along those lines (for more info, check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar").
One of my favorite things about the sex jars is what you can do with your earnings, really does depend on—you know what it depends on. Investing in your own sex jar is a cool way to hold you and your partner sexually accountable. Wanna find more money to hang out? Get into that bedroom, drop a couple of dollars each time and watch your dreams come true. The dream of spending more time together and, hopefully, the dream of doing even more to make that marriage of yours…even sexier.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
These Newlyweds Found Love Thanks To A Friend Playing Matchmaker
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Jason and Elise Robinson’s union is a reminder that kind people still get their happily ever after. The pair had their first date in October of 2021 and tied the knot on June 15, 2024. Both of them have dedicated their lives to celebrating and supporting Black culture so it was only fitting they get married in what's considered the Black Hollywood of America during the Juneteenth celebration weekend. From the florists to Elise and Jason's gown and suit designers to the table signage and so much more, everything was Black-owned. It's no wonder their love for Black culture was the jumping-off point for their love story.
When they met, Jason had just moved to Atlanta for a new job opportunity, and Elise was living happily in her career and had put dating on the backburner. But luckily, a mutual connection saw something in both of them and thanks to a yoga-themed baby shower and a chance text message, they found their forever. Check out their beautiful How We Met story below.
I’ll start with the easiest question. Can you both tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
Elise: Sure, my name is Elise. I’m actually from Atlanta, GA – not a transplant. I grew up here and left right after college to pursue my career. Now I’ve been back going on eight years, and I’m in my early 40s.
Jason: And I’m Jason. I’m originally from Racine, Wisconsin. I went to school at Florida A&M University, so I am a rattler. I went back to the Midwest for a period of time, in Indianapolis. Now, I’ve been in the Atlanta area for a little over two and a half years.
Jason and Elise Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Wow, that’s nice because Atlanta gets a bad rap when it comes to relationships. So you have to give us the deets. How did you two find each other?
Elise: So I work in TV and I was on-air for a number of years and then transitioned into being a producer and then a manager. As a producer, I’d always have guests on. And there was a woman who came on frequently named Rosalynn (@Rosalynndaniels, often referred to as The Black Martha Stewart), and we connected instantly. Anyway, she got pregnant right before COVID and invited me to a “modern-day yoga baby shower.” I came to support, but was also just curious about that theme.
I had an amazing time. And when it was over a few of us stuck around and convos got personal. She ended up asking me the infamous ‘Are you dating’ question. When I told her no, she decided to set me up. So I should tell you, in both of my only two serious relationships, I was set up – so I was like no.
But she pointed at her husband, who was folding up chairs, and said that another friend set her up with him. Sometimes, it takes people outside of us to see what we need. A few months later, she reached out and said she had family relocating and thought I’d really like him. So she gave him my number, and I reached out with a text. He responded with a call, and that night, we talked for about 2-3 hours. So that’s how we met. I was a little nervous because me and Rosalynn were starting a friendship, and here I was, talking to her family!
Jason: It was new for me too. Remember, I was new to the area, and I had heard so many “stories” about how people have been done wrong in the dating world. Whether it’s by theft or scamming (laughs). Plus, I had just got a new job and wanted to focus on that. But I did want to be able to date someone in a more personal way and see where it led. I felt like who better than someone who I trust to connect me. Rosalynn knows I’m private, about business life, and my personal life is important to me.
So let’s get into your courtship. What was your first date like?
Elise: We had our first convo on a Monday, and he asked me out the next day. I didn’t have any plans, but I still said no. I was just playing hard to get (laughs). But we were talking every day, and he told me he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been. And I’m like, you’re in my city! But he sends me three options, and sure enough, two of the places I hadn’t gone to. So, our first date was October 1, 2021, and somebody was 45 minutes late.
Now Jason, why were you 45 minutes late?
Elise: It was me – in my own city. I just got turned around, and the traffic was horrible. I kept calling him and giving him permission to leave. Full transparency: I probably wouldn’t have waited if the shoe was on the other foot. But this was my first sign of what I now know and love the most about him. It’s his patience. When I got there, I was frazzled and everything, but he was just super calm. It ended up being a great first date.
Jason: I remember just waiting and being concerned for her well-being. Because I know how traffic can be, especially when someone is rushing. I was just scrolling through my phone and looking through the menu. It was cool.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Courtesy
That’s beautiful. Now let’s talk about the “what are we” convo? Did you have one of those and if so, who initiated it and how was it?
Elise: I initiated it. Jason was dating me – and still does. But by this time, we had been on a number of dates. We were on our way to a winery, and we had a bit of a drive. So I decided to state my intention. We were just a few weeks in, but we were spending a lot of time together and we are people of a particular age. So I told him, I know Atlanta can be a Black man’s playground. There’s so many beautiful professional women here. But I’m dating with intention. I don’t want to kick it or hang with a good guy even though he’s not my person. I was done with all of that. So I’m “laying down the law” in my eyes, and he didn’t flinch. He let me finish and basically let me know we were on the same page. He was not trying to sow his royal oats.
Jason: Yeah, I was not trying to be Prince Akeem. But also, it was more so about setting a tone and goal for myself. My mama always told me to set my goals. And having a family was always one of mine. I think the biggest thing of it all, was I felt blessed – in terms of moving for work and meeting Elise, now being married. There’s victories being placed in my life.
I love that you both shared that because sometimes I get feedback on these stories and it seems like sometimes we’re afraid to really voice what we desire, no matter what that looks like.
Elise: Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
Jason: I think her sharing those values resonated with me, and hearing her “lay down the law” was fine because I was there, too. I would say to millennial women, don’t be afraid to tell a mate what you want. You never know what that would lead to. Time is a precious commodity. Elise saying that early on showed me that she values both of our time. It showed her heart, character, and integrity, and I was drawn to that and the mature conversation. In the social media world, we don’t have those pointed conversations face-to-face. I would challenge readers to have those conversations in person, and you would get more from that convo than any post or reel. Because you see body language reactions and have deeper communication.
Yeah, I think sometimes women feel like they don’t want to put pressure on their partner. But it’s not pressure. Look, Jason and I are based in faith, and what is for us is for us. Being upfront and honest is best – and early makes sense. You don’t have to convince someone to be your person.
You both have mentioned time, family, and integrity. I’m curious what other core values do you both share?
Elise: Early on, our faith. Not just do you believe in God. It had to be deeper in that. I needed someone who would lead me, our home, and our family. I didn’t want to be in a push-and-pull relationship about prayer, church, or have conversations about being better people. Also, we discussed finances. That doesn’t just mean going to work. We chatted about ownership and what it looks like for us. How do we support each other individually and together? I know I like having my hands in a few different pots, and I needed someone who was supportive of that and likewise.
Jason: My background is that I was raised in the church. My father is a deacon and my mom is a deaconess. They've been married for 55 years. Faith was very important to me and it was crucial that my wife have that relationship as well.
Elise and Jason Robinson
Photo by FotosbyFola
Can we talk about challenges? Big or small, what are some things you had to grow through together?
Elise: I have never lived with anyone – not a roommate, a sister, friend, boyfriend or anything. Now, I’m in my 40s and I'm living with someone. When you’ve been by yourself for so long that was a challenge for both of us. We weren’t pulling each other's hair out but I’m a bit extreme. Things are color-coded in my closet. For me, working in news is chaotic so I want my home to be peaceful and organized.
Jason: I’m a man, and she’s a woman. That dynamic alone adds a flair to it. She wants things a certain way. She’s a Capricorn. But just in terms of how she wants to keep a home was a big adjustment for me. It took time.
On a smaller level, what are some of the things you disagree about day-to-day?
Elise: Cleanliness and systems. Like, he recycles and I do not. But sometimes I just have to decide if it really needs to be a thing or if I can just take care of it.
Jason: This is where my organization takes over (laughs).
What are your love languages? Do you know?
Elise: Jason’s is an act of service which works because I love cooking for him. It doesn’t feel like a chore to me. I love when I’m out, picking up his favorite juice. The other day I saw he needed t-shirts while folding clothes. So I just like doing small things for him that he doesn’t expect. He’s very much that guy that will ask to help so it doesn’t bother me.
Jason: I’d say Elise is all of them, but physical touch would probably be the biggest one. I had to get used to that. She’s taught me it in a number of ways. I remember we actually talked about love languages, and I sent her this song called “More Than Words” by Extreme. That explained to her how I felt.
Finally, can we end with the proposal? Tell us everything!
Jason: It was at a restaurant. And again, I was trying to find somewhere she hadn’t been. Also, I didn’t want to do it on our anniversary because that would have been too obvious. I contacted one of the restaurant’s staff and decided to change up the dessert menu. Each item was something special to us.
Elise: We go on so many date nights, so I just thought it was a regular night. We had finished eating, and I had to go to the bathroom. They had a nice mirror, girl. So I’m in there taking videos and stuff.
Jason: While she’s in the restroom, I’m getting everything in place with the waitress.
Elise: So as I’m reading the menu, I realize it’s telling our story and he eventually proposed. It was so special; I actually had the menu framed! It was so beautiful and thoughtful.
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Feature image by FotosbyFola
'ACross Generations With Tiffany Cross' Highlight Career Hardships With Melba Moore And Amari Marshall
ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, the thought-provoking podcast featuring intergenerational discussions returns with a new episode exploring the realities of the entertainment industry.
This installment brings together host Tiffany Cross, Tony Award-winning actress and Grammy-nominated singer Melba Moore, and dancer extraordinaire Amari "Monster" Marshall. The dynamic trio engages in a compelling conversation, delving into the artists' financial struggles, the impact of social media, and the importance of mentorship in the industry.
A standout moment in the discussion came when Moore, who has been in the entertainment industry for over 50 years, shared how losing everything ultimately helped her conquer career-related fears.
“I think losing my whole life, losing my daughter, losing my family, losing my career, [and] being homeless,” she said.
To provide context for her past hardships, Moore recounted living in Central Park South in New York, an area described as unsafe at night due to crimes like mugging and assault.
“That’s where I used to live,” she added. “That’s when I realized I have to get a suitcase with wheels.”
When Cross inquired about how Moore, a successful Broadway actress and singer, ended up in such dire circumstances, the 78-year-old shared a shocking revelation. Moore explained that her husband, who also served as her manager, had forged her signature to transfer all their assets to himself.
“My manager/husband, behind my back, forged my name on divorce documents,” she said. “Divorced me. Signed all of our business and marital assets to himself.”
Moore revealed she discovered her ex-husband's actions through his family. Fearing for her safety and reputation, she decided to go public with her story. She explained that she wanted the press to be aware of her situation if something happened to her, ensuring her legacy wouldn't be tainted by false headlines.
Eventually, Moore regained her footing after starring in Michael Matthews' gospel Broadway productions, which led to other roles. Since then, Moore disclosed that despite the hardships caused by her ex-husband's actions, her family is now healing.
Following Moore's admission, Cross expressed disbelief at the actress's experience but noted that many people are going through similar situations and using social media to expose them.
“There’s so many incidents like this and now with Instagram, you see the mess,” she stated.
Further into the discussion, Marshall opened up about the struggles she faced as a dancer early in her career. She revealed a particularly challenging situation where an employer took most of her earnings, leaving her to survive on only $100 a month.
“Me and my mom lived in every part of Los Angeles before we were able to get our own studio apartment,” she shared. “It was a family of six. I’m traveling the world nonstop. Nobody would have known that I was still making $100 a month.”
Marshall explained that she didn't openly discuss her financial hardships, leading people to make assumptions. Because she worked with stars like Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Janet Jackson, and Beyoncé and toured the world, many believed that Marshall was earning a substantial amount of money.
Following that experience, Marshall learned the importance of navigating the business and budgeting effectively. Toward the end of the conversation, the star reflected on how challenging times can ultimately benefit one's life.
“If you don’t have those bad times, you’re not really learning,” she said.
The full episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, featuring this discussion and other compelling topics, is now streaming on the show's official YouTube channel.
Celebrating the Impact of Black Women in Arts with Melba Moore and Amari Marshall
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