![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Now, Here's How To Have A "Sexy Marriage"](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yNDg0OTEyMS9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTczMzU4OTU5Mn0.UoupSRDKpQAoADUVPp_QRS9lQT_fAjuLBRqK3JSbBL8/img.gif?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=44%2C0%2C44%2C74)
Now, Here's How To Have A "Sexy Marriage"
I got my start as an entertainment writer. Let me tell you, if you're someone who's super caught up in celebrity culture, do not get into the celebrity business—in any realm. You will learn quick, fast, and in a hurry that many celebs can be a real trip in ways that you would never imagine (girl…girl). If you add to that gig, my current role as a marriage life coach, I'm really not keen on speaking super confidently about people I don't personally know; especially not ones who are famous. I don't care what their IG posts look like or what some article said—unless you know them…you don't.
What I will say is sometimes, if you pay really close attention, what you can feel is a vibe. And y'all, when I watched Barack and Michelle Obama at the inauguration for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, I won't lie—one of the first things I thought was, "Now that's a couple that seems to have a sexy marriage." Again, I don't know them yet their energy just seemed to exude excitement (sexy), appeal (sexy), and that they probably, let's say really enjoy spending quality time together (you feel me?).
That's what we're going to explore today—how to have a sexy marriage. Because, when two people make the decision to cultivate a covenant and spend the rest of their lives together, let's be real—yes, the union should be rooted in things like love, respect, and honesty, but y'all, it should be one that is also super sexy—hot, inviting, mature, seductive and sensuous—too.
1. Make Your Bedroom a Sacred Space
My married friends know that I have a personal rule when it comes to their bedroom—I try my hardest to never go into it. It's not that I've been asked not to (by anyone, ever). It's just that, I feel like if there's one place where a couple should feel is totally theirs, the bedroom would be it. And since I totally agree with interior decorators who say that bedrooms are only for sex and sleep—why do I need to be in their boudoir just casually chopping it up or laying across where folks "engage" when there are plenty of other rooms in the house?
Whenever I do my counseling sessions with engaged or married couples, I share this point. Even when it comes to your kids, why do they need to be all up in that area all of the time? If you treat your bedroom as a sacred and sexy space, one that is just for the two of you to share, it will be easier to have that kind of attitude and energy whenever you walk into it.
See, the problem is, a lot of folks don't feel sexy in their bedroom much because it's also an entertainment room, the children's playpen, and a mini-office. Try and switch that up by only sleeping and sexing in there—then decorate your space in a way that conveys that point. I'm pretty sure your sexual desire will go up a few notches once you do.
2. Refuse to Separate Your Sexuality from Your Spirituality
Something that I personally think makes sex so powerful is it involves every part of you—mind, body and spirit. On the spiritual tip, that's why I've written articles on the site like "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"—they're both reminders that the more spiritually connected you feel with your partner, the better the sex will be. Pretty much, automatically.
Back when we published the article, "Ashley Graham & Her Husband Say Prayer Is The Ultimate Form Of Foreplay", some people made fun of it. Me? I was totally down because I am someone who believes that marriage is a spiritual union and since I also believe that a Higher Power plays a role in the relationship and since the Bible shouts out sex quite a bit (Genesis 2:24-25, Proverbs 5, I Corinthians 7:5 and all of the Song of Solomon, for starters), why wouldn't it be smart to incorporate sexuality and spirituality? If that's in the form of "thank you for what we are about to partake of", so be it. If it's spending time in nature with your partner, so be it. If it's coming up with your own rituals, so be it.
Sometimes sex is treated so casually and flippantly that folks struggle with seeing copulation as a spiritual act. Ask married folks who have a fulfilling sex life and I'm willing to bet good money that they absolutely do. Sex can be so powerful that it transcends the physical. Can I get an "amen"? Exactly.
3. Cultivate a “Sexy” Morning Routine
I already know. Some of y'all are like, "Girl, please. I'm good to get out of bed and get to work on time without adding something extra on my plate." I hear you, but setting your alarm 30 minutes earlier, at least three times a week, can make it easier to engage in pillow talk, devotional time, orgasmic meditation, a quickie or even a shower together. And I don't know ANYONE who doesn't have a better day when it doesn't start off with some form of intimacy. Don't knock it until you've tried it, chile.
4. Give Each Other Random Sex Love Language Presents
It's pretty common for couples (especially wives) to say that after a couple of years of marriage, they don't feel "wooed" anymore. You know what's really a trip about that? Many spouses never really make a point to sexually woo their partner at all. While some are great at foreplay (and praise the Almighty for that!), the art of seducing their boo, well before it's time to get it on and in, tends to be a rarity. One way to make yourself exceptional in this case is to randomly send your partner sex gifts/tokens in their own love language. It doesn't have to be anything expensive or super extravagant. It's just a way of letting your partner know that they still turn you on and oftentimes, you're thinking about just how much.
For instance, if their love language is words of affirmation, maybe it's a blank card with all of the things that you find sexy about them being written inside. If it's quality time, plan a sex date. If you check out the article, "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?", hopefully it can provide you with some additional clarity and inspiration. The best lovers can entice their partner, well before they step foot into any bedroom. That's not an opinion. That's a straight up fact.
5. Have Annual Couple Photos (Professionally) Taken
Not too long ago, I was looking at some pictures that a Black photographer took of a Black couple. Whew.Black love? There is absolutely nothing like it. Anyway, what tripped me out is the man and woman were a rich velvety chocolate complexion and while they were fully clothed, the way that they looked at each other was intense AF which made the photos really sexy.
Sadly, some couples don't have any formal pictures other than the ones that they took on their wedding day. Being intentional about having some professional shots taken, on an annual basis if you can, it can help to document your love journey. And, if you blow a few of 'em up and display them, they can remind you of why you and yours fit together so well. And how can you not be turned on by that?
6. Dress Up and Go Out Sometimes
When's the last time that you and your man dressed up for a date? I don't mean that you put on some business casual attire for some random work event where your partner was your plus one. I mean dressing up to the nines and having a date that consists of next-level romance? Something that can cause a lot of sex lives to suffer is the lack of excitement and anticipation. One way to build that back up is to dress up and go out sometimes. I mean, really dress up. Sexy undergarments. Garter belts. Expensive heels. Your very best freakum dress. Him in that suit.
Years ago, I interviewed some men about what really turns them on. Something that many of them agreed on was they like the layers of us—even when it comes to an outfit. Being able to be totally turned on by something we have on and then fantasize about what we look like after each piece is removed was extremely hot to them. At the same token, us being out with our man when he's in a tailored suit, with a manicured beard, fresh haircut and he's talking seductively to us while we're having a candlelit meal or slow dragging on a dance floor? How can that not be sexy? Stop playin'.
7. Create (and Grow) a Sex Drawer
I'm pretty sure that one of those nightstands in your bedroom is full of nothing but junk. Let this be the year when you throw all of those old rollers and random paper clips out so that you can make room for a full-on sex drawer. These are dope because they make having spontaneous sex (which is also a way to make your marriage sexier) easier. And just what should go in said drawer? Flavored condoms (for oral sex). Some throat spray (also for oral sex; click on a popular brand here). Lubrication. Sex toys. Fragrance-free baby wipes (if you wanna do a quick clean-up). A few water bottles (sometimes our breath is a little tart, simply because our mouth is a little dry). Some breath mints. A blindfold and some wrist ties (and/or handcuffs). Massage oil (check out "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage"). A sweet sex condiment like maybe a small jar of honey (did you know that honey never expires?) or chocolate syrup. And anything else that your imagination can come up with (that will fit in there). Then all you've got to do is reach over, pull something out and you're all set.
8. Foreplay Flirt
It takes men five minutes (on average) to climax? For us, it's around 20. You know what that means—the longer the foreplay, the greater the chance is to have an orgasm and to have an intense one, once it happens. However, the key to having a sexy marriage isn't just about participating in foreplay a few minutes before sex goes down. Flirting around with it is an art form too. Sext your partner in the middle of the day. Drop little random notes with inside jokes in them. Wear your partner's favorite color or scent. Go commando sometimes on dates. Send them a sexy photo. You know…flirt. And since it's your man, take it up a notch on how risqué you get with the flirting. My favorite OG couples can still get a hearty "eww" outta me because they are gonna pinch each other's butts and make sexual gestures whether I'm in their presence or not. There is something that is really sweet about that. Nasty (in the best way possible) too.
9. Cook Aphrodisiacs-Only Meals Together
Cooking at home on the regular is not only healthier and more cost-effective, it can do wonders for your relationship too. Cooking together gives you and your man time to get some quality time in. It helps to de-stress the both of you as you cultivate some special memories. And, depending on what you decide to prepare, the atmosphere that you set—along with what you choose to have on while you cook your meal—it can definitely make the experience pretty damn erotic too.
For example, how about dressing up in some lingerie (you) and silk boxers (him) and eating an aphrodisiacs-only meal? Or, you can make dessert the aphrodisiac focus by maybe cooking up some chocolate fondue, baking some pomegranate tarts or making a cheesecake with fig slices on top? You serve that with the right libido-boosting warm drink and how could cooking not be a sexy delight?
10. Toast Each Other with Body Shots Every Once in a While
In a few articles, I have shouted out the importance of couples toasting each other. I dig a good toast—not just because it's an opportunity to drink a little alcohol (wink) but because it can be an "official" way to salute your partner and publicly declare what you appreciate about them. That said, if you want to take things up a notch sexually, swap out the champagne flutes for shot glasses. State something that turns you on about your hubby. Then pull out some Patrón (or whatever your favorite kind of tequila is), slice up some limes, let him pour a little salt on whatever erogenous zone he chooses (so long as it's not his genitalia; that could sting!) and then you lick off the salt, take the alcohol shot and take the lime slice from his mouth. Make it an erotic game by seeing who can come up with the most affirmations while also being able to consume the most shots without getting too woozy. Anyone who knows about how Patrón works can vouch for the fact that you're in for a pretty wild night if you keep it up!
11. Be Open to Taking Sexual Risks
Hey, no risk, no reward. Some of us struggle with the idea of taking a risk, even in the bedroom, because what immediately comes to mind are words like "danger" or "injury". Yet remember, you're not with some random dude off of the street—this is the man who you love and who wants to enjoy pleasing you and being pleased by you. So yeah, talk about your fantasies, make a sex video sometimes, do "that thing" you've always wondered about but have always been too shy to try. Taking risks can oftentimes boost one's confidence (including sexual confidence) and the more confident you are, the better sex always is. And a healthy sex life plays a huge role in a healthy marriage.
12. Don’t Forget About Your Sex Jar
I remember when I first got introduced to the concept of a sex jar. I saw a picture of one on Pinterest and immediately, I was like, "Now, that is the business!" If you've never heard of one before, the long short of it is, for every time you and your partner have sex, you put money into a jar. After six months to a year, you then decide to spend it on something that is specifically for you and yours like a romantic vacation, a night at a hotel or a really high-end date—something along those lines (for more info, check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar").
One of my favorite things about the sex jars is what you can do with your earnings, really does depend on—you know what it depends on. Investing in your own sex jar is a cool way to hold you and your partner sexually accountable. Wanna find more money to hang out? Get into that bedroom, drop a couple of dollars each time and watch your dreams come true. The dream of spending more time together and, hopefully, the dream of doing even more to make that marriage of yours…even sexier.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- Boris Kodjoe Says Your Partner Should Make You 'A Better Human ... ›
- 7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't ... ›
- 10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Skylar Marshai Talks Hair Reset With SheaMoisture Bond Repair 'Revive & Thrive' Campaign
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
Skylar Marshai is known for her extravagant style, and her hair is no exception. But now, she’s giving her hair a break and focusing on hair care with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection. “I feel like my hair has always been an extension of my storytelling because I know it's so innately linked to my self-expression that I've been thinking a lot about how my love for crafting my hair into these different forms and shapes has honestly never given it a chance to just be,” Skylar explains.
“So for the next few weeks, I will be wearing my natural hair out.” The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is infused with AminoBlend and HydroPlex technology, scientifically proven to make hair 6x stronger with 84% less breakage by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds (vs. non-conditioning shampoo). That’s why it's the perfect hair reset for Skylar.
“It's been a long, long time since I've worn my natural curls. I haven’t nurtured it in its natural form so I’m scared of breakage, of it being dry, of it being damaged,” she admits. “I do feel like my hair is in good hands because I will be using the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection and it’s known for repairing damaged hair making it smoother, making it stronger like all of these very real concerns I have.”
Thanks to the unique blend of Amino Blend Complex (fortifying amino acids), Amla oil, and fair-trade shea butter used in each product, the hair will become visibly healthier after just one use. That’s because the collection focuses on repairing and reviving dry, damaged hair due to color, protective styles, heat, and more. This 4-step system, which includes Bond Repair Shampoo, Bond Repair Conditioner, Bond Repair Masque, and Bond Repair Leave-in, also enhances weakened hair bonds to reduce future breakage.
Skylar shows us how she uses the collection and it’s giving big, beautiful, healthy hair. “So I think it's gonna be some beauty to allowing my hair to rest,” she says. When it comes to styling, the influencer is “just gonna let Mother Nature do her thing.” Learn more about the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection below.
Step One: Bond Repair Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are infused with the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, Shea Moisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Conditionerdeeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Feature image by @skylarmarshai/ Instagram
Normani On Trusting Herself And Rebuilding Her Confidence: 'I’m A Lot More Sure Of Myself'
Normaniis disclosing how being a part of Fifth Harmony negatively impacted her self-confidence.
Fifth Harmony, an all-girl group, was formed in 2012 during the reality singing competition series The X Factor. The group members consisted of Normani, Ally Brooke, Camila Cabello, Dinah Jane, and Lauren Jauregui.
Following their appearance on the show, Fifth Harmony released three studio albums and sold over 15 million copies worldwide before disbanding in 2018. Despite the group's success, Normani faced several hardships as the only Black person in Fifth Harmony, including racism and constant comparisons to her bandmates.
With the release of her debut album, Dopamine, as a solo artist, the 28-year-old shared with Rolling Stone magazine her personal growth throughout these experiences.
Normani On Journey With Fifth Harmony
In the conversation, Normani disclosed that even though she had dealt with unpleasant circumstances in Fifth Harmony, she doesn't have any animosity toward anyone because those moments helped shape her into who she is today.
“I’m grateful for all of it, even the moments where I might’ve felt inadequate or less than,” she said. “ It definitely has a lot to do with why I am the way that I am. It definitely took a toll on my confidence. It’s just another testament to my resilience. Would I do some things differently or wish that some things were done differently? Of course, but I also don’t want to sit here and make it sound like it wasn’t part of my story.”
Further into the discussion, as the “Wild Side” vocalist recounted her journey with Fifth Harmony, she revealed that she was pleased with the amount of success they had accomplished despite being teenagers.
“We were babies. We were so innocent and I think that is the struggle, to your point, of just us having to face reality under very unrealistic circumstances,” she stated. “I always say we did the very best we could with what we had, so that I’m proud of. There’s so much that I don’t even remember because I suppressed it. That’s just my way of protecting myself from having to deal with everything. But what I do remember is it wasn’t all bad. Like yeah, we struggled, but it was also really beautiful in what we accomplished together.”
Normani On Her New Era
Toward the end of the interview, when asked about her latest project and what she wants fans to take away from it, Normani shared that she wants her supporters to see how confident she has become in herself and her talents.
“That I’m f–king strong despite everything that I’ve endured. It’s a testament to my strength and my resilience and my discipline. I’m a lot more sure of myself, a lot more comfortable. I’ve done a really good job at navigating and getting back to who I am and recognizing the beauty. I’m trusting myself a lot more,” she said.
With this revelation, the “Waves” songstress has demonstrated how the power of staying true to oneself and refusing to conform to anyone's standards can be beneficial, even with the challenges she has encountered.
Normani’s debut album, Dopamine is out now.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Paras Griffin/Getty Images for ESSENCE