A few weeks ago, while penning a piece on dating pet peeves, a few people said the same thing. To quote one individual verbatim: “I hate kissing someone for the first time and their lips feel dry or really rough. As far as first impressions go, that one is hard to shake; especially if they’re a bad kisser on top of it.”
The poor kissing form? That’s something we’ll have to deal with at another time, chile. As far as the initial concerns, however, that is something that we can address quick, fast, and in a hurry. Because if there’s one thing that I think we all can get on the same page about, it’s the fact that the best kisses consist of two people who have a set of super soft ‘n smooth lips — and here are 12 ways to get ‘em.
How To Make Your Lips Soft
1. Consume Vitamin B3
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Vitamin B is an interesting type of nutrient because, actually, there are eight different forms of it. Anyway, vitamin B3 is also called niacin; it’s beneficial for you because it helps to keep your digestive and nervous systems in peak condition. Some other cool things about this particular B vitamin are it can help to lower your blood pressure, treat type 1 diabetes and it can keep your skin in great shape, in part, because it protects your skin from sun damage.
Some health professionals say that a niacin deficiency can result in dry and cracked lips, and that’s why this nutrient tops the list of things that you can do to keep your lips soft and healthy. Some foods that are high in vitamin B3 include bananas, brown rice, red meat, fish, poultry, fortified cereals, and green peas. Of course, you can always take a B-complex vitamin to get more of B3 into your system as well.
2. Avoid Certain Beauty Brand Ingredients
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If you lick your lips a lot, do everything in your power to try and break that bad habit. The reason why it can dry your lips out is due to the fact that your spit contains digestive enzymes that can actually weaken the skin that is on them. Know what else can dry your lips out? Certain popular ingredients that are found in various cosmetics, including lip products.
Some that top the list include camphor, menthol, salicylic acid, fragrance, and (believe it or not) lanolin. Yeah, it’s kind of wild that many dermatologists frown on such a popular emollient; however, it seems that this issue is it tends to be a skin allergen for many. So, just make sure to do a small skin patch test on yourself before going all in with it.
3. Apply Sunscreen to Your Lips
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Do you have some discoloration issues happening when it comes to your lips? It could be because you haven’t been proactive about shielding them from the damage that the sun can do. Yep, just like you need to protect your skin from UV rays, your lips need that same kind of proactive care. Otherwise, they can experience dark spots, dryness, and even fine lines and wrinkles around them. So, before you put any kind of lip color on your lips, apply a lip balm that has some SPF in it. Allure has a list of some great recommendations here.
Also, don’t assume that this tip is only for late spring and the summertime. According to the Skin Cancer Foundation, the sun can burn you any time of the year — even when it’s very cold outside.
4. Massage Your Lips with Some Sweet Almond Oil
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As far as skincare is concerned, I’m always and forever gonna be a huge fan of sweet almond oil. Aside from the fact that the nutrients in it can help to keep your skin hydrated, smooth, and glowing, there are studies that say it can reduce dandruff and help prevent hair loss too. The reason why it’s great for your lips, specifically, is it contains anti-inflammatory properties that help to soothe irritated lips.
Another bonus is that since many health professionals profess that sweet almond oil is a gentle exfoliator too, it can help to remove dead skin cells from your lips so that there’s less feathering and peeling. This brings me to my next tip.
5. DIY a Flavored Lip Scrub
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If you’ve ever kissed someone who has dry lips or lips with little bits of flaking skin on them, you get how uncomfortable that can make the entire experience, regardless of how good their overall kissing technique may be. To make sure that you’re not the one who makes someone else feel this way, it’s important that you exfoliate your lips, a couple of times per week.
There are lip scrubs that you can purchase; however, there are also ones that you can make yourself. For instance, a mixture of brown sugar and grapeseed oil can get the job done. Or, if you’d like to create a variety of lip scrubs to choose from, Healthline has several here and StyleCraze has many others here.
6. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Baking Soda
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If your child happened to come home one day with a busted lip, one of the best things that you could do is create a paste that uses baking soda as a base. The logic behind it all is that baking soda contains anti-inflammatory and antiseptic properties that can help speed up the healing process. This is why baking soda is also great for healing canker sores and even bringing relief to the itchiness that can sometimes come with herpes breakouts (on the lips). Just something to keep in mind if you want to take an at-home approach to semi-minor skin irritations.
7. Go Easy on the Super Hot Drinks
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Listen, I enjoy a hot drink just like the next gal. At the same time, it would make sense that if it’s not a good idea to bathe or shower in really hot water (because it has a tendency to dehydrate your skin) that the same temperature shouldn’t constantly hit your lips either. From what I’ve read and researched, super hot drinks can weaken the lipid barrier on your lips and that can lead to either really chapped ones or even burned lips. So, at the very least, if you’re about to go in for a big kiss after a date, drink something cool instead of some hot cocoa beforehand.
8. Tint Your Lips with an All-Natural Rose Paste
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The history of red lipstick is an interesting one; one that is kind of all over the place. Some say that it used to be a status symbol. Others say that it was a way to seduce men into marriage (and/or sex). Some stories state that was an act of rebellion (against male authority). And then there’s the, perhaps, most common take: red lips remind men of vaginal lips (hmm…).
Whatever the reason/motive/intention may be for you personally (even if it’s just because you look bomb in it, as most Black women do), since reportedly 81 percent of women wear lipstick on a daily basis, if you want to add a bit of color to your lips yet your partner hates it when lip product all over his mouth whenever you’re kissing him, something that you can do is make a rose paste for your lips.
You can do this by making a type that can sit on your lips for a few minutes (one recipe is here) or by creating a rose lip balm (recipe here). Either way, your lips will receive a good amount of vitamins, antioxidants, and minerals and the paste will add a hint of a rosy tint to them too.
9. Use Vitamin E As a “Primer”
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Aside from shea butter, another one of my favorite “lip primers” is vitamin E. It’s a fat-soluble vitamin that deeply moisturizes your lips. For some, it can even make your lips appear a bit fuller due to the way that this nutrient hydrates them. You can purchase some vitamin E oil in a bottle; however, what I do is just get the gel capsules, pierce them with a needle, and apply the oil that way.
Tip: If you want a glossier base, go with vitamin E. If you’re going to create a matte lip, shea butter is better; it’s less “greasy” yet it will still give your lips plenty of the vitamins and softness that they need.
10. Add Some Honey to Your Lip Gloss
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If you want a way to keep that man on your mouth for as long as possible, all you’ve got to do is add a dab of honey to your lip gloss. Not only will your lips taste absolutely delicious, because honey is a humectant (which means it pulls moisture from the air), but it will also deeply moisturize your lips. Not only that but it also can help to protect your lips from UV damage as well as keep your lips looking youthful (because, believe it or not, yes…lips do age).
11. Try a Combination of Hyaluronic Acid and Evening Primrose on Irritated Lips
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Something that I’ve been getting into, this year especially, is some hyaluronic acid (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”). I’ve been consistent with it when it comes to my skin (for the deep hydration), I’m making a transition into adding it to a particular hair product of mine (to give my tresses some extra moisture) and I’m going to tiptoe into applying it to my lips as well.
Since this type of acid is also considered to be a humectant, it will help to moisturize your lips as well as keep them super soft and smooth. Then, if you put a bit of evening primrose oil on top of a layer of the acid, the properties in it will add hydration and elasticity as it works overtime to prevent internal hydration from leaving your lips.
12. Add Some Ghee Butter to Them at Night
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If a part of you has always wondered what ghee butter is all about, the long short of it is, it’s a clarified butter that has all of the water removed from it. Since it’s high in fatty acids, vitamins B12, D, and E, and a host of other nutrients, both your skin and lips will literally drink it up since it helps to hydrate your skin, smooth out the appearance of discoloration, and get rid of cracking.
So, if you want to keep your lips in great shape throughout the night, apply a thin layer of ghee to them at night — and then possibly after washing your face and brushing your teeth on cold winter mornings because, another thing that it has a solid reputation for, is shielding your lips from the cold. Good thing to know!
Now hop off of this thing and apply these tips…so that you can take your future kisses to the very next level. You’re welcome. #wink
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- 10 DIY Tips For Sexier Lips (Than You Already Have) ›
- 8 Lip Products You Need To Cop If You Haven't Already ›
- I Tried It: 5 Longwear Lipsticks That Are Actually Worth The Coin ›
- 7 Things You Didn't Know Were Keeping Your Lips Dry ›
- Sweeten Your Self-Care: The Must-Have Sugar Scrubs For Your Body Care Routine ›
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America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Along these same lines, next question: When’s the last time that you friend-zoned yourself? This is an angle on the whole friend-zoning thing that I don’t think is tackled enough. Oh, but it’s real because I know quite a few women (and even a couple of men) who end up being seen as just a friend, time and time again, and it’s (mostly) because they make certain moves that cause people to look at them that way.
If you’re sick of always being seen as not just one guy but most guys’ favorite friend, and you’re wondering how to change that, check out the following six points. If more than a couple of ‘em apply, the bad news is that friend-zoning yourself is exactly what you are doing. The good news is that now you know what to do about it.
You Self-Sabotage Potential Dating Opportunities
GiphyPop the Balloon, boy. As I’ve been watching the show evolve to things like being featured in Saturday Night Live (you know, as a skit) to the host Arlette getting sponsorship deals like her one with Fashion Nova to Netflix picking it up (for a live version), you’ve definitely got the give the YouTube series its props. And when it comes to this topic, the reason why the show came to mind is I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched it and seen people self-sabotage opportunities.
For instance, once I saw a man pop his own balloon because a woman said that she prefers tall men, and he was right under 6’. Another time, I saw a woman pop her balloon because the guy said that he wants a spiritual person and she assumed that he meant a Christian.
And you know what? People who friend-zone themselves oftentimes do the same thing “in the real world” because they will determine that they are not someone’s type based on (for example) who they’ve seen them date before or because they decided that someone wouldn’t see them as a potential match (without actually knowing that for sure). In their mind, the person they are interested in is “out of their league,” so they give off the energy that never conveys that they are interested in being seen as more than a friend.
How do I know this? Because I once did it with a guy from my past back when I was in college. When I first met him, I thought he was so attractive, and so I simply assumed that there wasn’t a chance for anything serious that I conveyed that to him after a few phone conversations, that while I was down for a sexual dynamic, I didn’t want to be more than friends.
Fast forward to years of coitus and friendship going down while I was low-key feeling resentful that it didn’t end up going past that. When I brought it up, know what he said to me? “Shellie, you never gave me the opportunity to see you as anything else. Don’t blame me for keeping up the end of the bargain that you set.” And because I like to take accountability for my ish, I have to admit that he’s spot-on right.
Moral to the story with this one is this: sometimes you think that predetermining how someone is going to see you is the way to keep from potentially getting hurt. Here’s the thing about that, though — unfortunately, more times than not, all you’re doing is getting in your own way. If you’re deciding how someone should feel about you, that is a form of self-sabotage — and a definite way to end up friend-zoning yourself.
You Tell Everyone and Their Grandma That You’re Only Seen As Guys’ Friend
GiphyThere is someone I know who, well, I don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend before — and she’s good, GOOD, and grown at this point. I do know that she’s liked quite a few people, and no one has really taken her seriously, though. There are a couple of reasons why (because some of the men have told me directly); however, the main one is because she has told pretty much anyone who will listen that she is seen as the homie for men for so long that her words have created her own reality.
In other words, she is the living meaning of the quote, “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny” (Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said that).
That said, although science is forever conducting research on whether or not emotional energy is indeed “contagious,” what we do know is something called emotional contagion is quite real; it’s what happens when you are around someone and you end up picking up on their body language and then mirroring/imitating it, sometimes without even noticing. Now think about that from the angle of what we’re discussing in this article.
If you’re around a guy and all you’re sending off is “just friend” vibes, there’s a good chance that even if a guy thinks you’re attractive, he may give you the same energy because he’s mirroring what you are doing. Or even if he was potentially interested in you, if all you talk about is how you’re every guy you know’s BFF — he may take that as meaning that you don’t want to be anything else…or more.
Remember that quote — your thoughts ultimately can become your destiny if you’re not careful. I mean, if you want to ultimately be every guy’s confidant about some other woman, hey have at it. If not…emotional contagion is real. What kind of body language and conversation are you giving off…that the men around you just might be…mirroring?
You Tend to Play Down Your Femininity (and Sensuality)
GiphyThis year, the rom-com Just Wright(Queen Latifah, Common, Paula Patton) turns 15 (time, boy). Although it’s been a hot minute since I’ve watched it, I thought about how much Queen Latifah’s character, Leslie, helps to make this particular point. And while we’re here, although it might seem like Paula Patton’s character, Morgan, was the “villain,” actually Leslie’s mom (played by Pam Grier) is who irked me most of all.
I say that because, while Leslie was definitely a tomboy, it’s almost like her mom never really encouraged her to explore her more feminine and sensual side — and to me, that, is what made it initially difficult for Common’s character Scott to not see her as much more than “one of the boys.” Because clearly if there was absolutely no physical chemistry or connection, sex wouldn’t have ultimately gone down, and he wouldn’t have eventually ended up with Leslie (because who wants to be in a long-term relationship with someone whom they aren’t physically attracted to)?
I don’t know about y’all, but I know some “Leslies.” They might not be the traditional kind of pretty (whatever that means these days); however, they are definitely beautiful in their own right. Thing is, it can be hard to see them as “sexy” on any level because they’re always in some jeans and kicks and dapping guys up. Oh, but put them in a dress and some pumps sometimes and damn — she’s definitely giving other women a solid run for their money.
Listen, I’m a sneakerhead and proud of it. I remember a time when I didn’t own any, though, and the last boyfriend who I will ever have in this lifetime bought me some sneaks because he wanted to see what I looked like in a pair. About a year later, he felt like he created a monster because he rarely saw me dress up anymore, and he missed it. Because the thing about fashion is that it has the ability to bring out different sides to us.
If, when it comes to your own sense of style, words like “feminine” and “sensual” rarely — if ever — come to mind, why not make a few tweaks to that? No one said that you have to wear a little black dress every day. All I’m saying is just like Leslie caught our eyes when she dressed up, the same thing can happen to you…off screen.
You Are More Concerned with Being Everyone Else’s Matchmaker and/or Dating Coach
GiphyDoes everyone come to you for relationship advice, and yet, interestingly enough, rarely are you offered any? Yeah, that’s another huge sign when it comes to what it means to friend-zone yourself. Here’s what I mean — a couple of years ago, I got sick and tired of a woman telling me that she was interested in a guy, yet she was too “scared” to tell him. He was a friend of mine as well, and so, one day, I randomly mentioned her in conversation, just to see where his head was at.
When he told me that he thought that she was cute, smart, and funny, I asked him if he had ever considered asking her out. His response was perfect for the point that I am trying to make here: “Oh, she’s not seeing someone? Every time we talk and the subject [of relationships] comes up, she’s always mentioning other women, so I thought that was her way of deflecting off of her.”
Okay…I don’t know how a guy is supposed to pick up on signals that you would be open to going out with him if you are constantly playing matchmaker when it comes to him and someone else, or even if you are the one he comes to for advice about another woman. I mean, I know in Usher’s song, “You Make Me Wanna,” and particularly when he said that he would (romantically) think about his best (female) friend after talking to her about his girlfriend, that it might seem like that’s the route to take — trust me, IT’S NOT.
I’ve got enough male friends, and I’ve been working with men long enough to know that they are pretty literal and quite good at compartmentalizing things. So, even if you are a bomb individual in their eyes, if you’re always talking to them about other women, they are going to see you as some version of a free dating coach and probably not much else. And if men are sounding off about other ladies to you…how in the world can you be seen as anything more than a shoulder or an ear?
What You Think Are ‘Boundaries’ Are Actually WALLS
GiphyAnother way that some people friend-zone themselves is that they don’t allow someone to get close enough to see them as more than a friend. Group dates? Sure. One-on-ones? Nah. Text exchanges? Sure. Phone calls? They’re not so comfortable. Surface conversations about music, sports, culture, etc.? Sure. Deep conversations about dreams, feelings, and desires? They are gonna skirt around those as much as they possibly can.
I’ve asked some people who move like this what the deal is; what most of them say is since so many people see, treat and like them as a friend, they don’t want to run the risk of getting hurt or ultimately losing even the friendship if they step out and actually express more than platonic interest. If that is you, that, my dear, is also a form of self-sabotage.
Honestly, even when it comes to the whole “friends with benefits” thing, when the dynamic has run its course, usually who seems to have a problem with being "just friends" most, to me, is women — or at least, women who know that they settled for less by agreeing to something that was less than what they wanted in the first place. Meaning, (most) guys can handle — and would even prefer — remaining some sort of friends after sex ceases.
And the reason why all of this is relevant is because…if you like someone, you shouldn’t be afraid to let your guard down and see where things could go. If the two of you have some sort of healthy connection, even if things don’t work out, there is probably something salvageable there where you can still stay in touch or at least hug it out whenever you run into each other.
Bottom line: Guarding your heart and assessing the potential risks? That is called having boundaries. Never letting anyone close enough to you to even consider you as an option? That is called a wall. BIG DIFFERENCE.
No One in Your World Knows That You Truly Desire a Relationship
Giphy“You have not because you ask not.” It’s a verse in the Bible (James 4:2, to be exact) that is a great way to bring all of this to a close. I say that because the reality is, if you’ve seen yourself all up in and throughout this article, there’s a pretty good chance that another reason why you keep friend-zoning yourself is because no one really knows that you truly desire to be in a relationship in the first place. It’s like you assume that no one is going to see you in “that way,” and so you keep the wish to yourself.
Here’s the thing about that, though — as a Business Insider article states, there is a lot of power in asking for what you want because making a declaration helps to set things into motion; plus, as author Paulo Coelho once penned, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
Adding to all of this, I promise that once you let your safe space know that you’re truly interested in dating, I’m willing to bet that you’ve got at least one or two girlfriends who will be more than happy to hook you up up with someone — they were just waiting on you to say the word. You know what they say — closed mouths don’t get fed and, as far as this topic is concerned, if you don’t say that you want to get out of the “friend zone”, how is someone supposed to know it?
___
Friend-zoning? If you’re on the receiving end, it can be a hard pill to swallow. The only thing more challenging? It’s if you are doing it to your own self.
Now that you see what that looks like, please make the decision to pivot into something else. Hey, you never know what possibilities are in store when you actually put forth the concerted effort to stop…friend-zoning yourself.
Amen? Amen.
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