The first time another woman flirted with me, I missed all of the queues. She was batting her eyelashes, complimenting my fragrance, and leaning in close. I thought she just wanted to make sure I heard her over the loud music of the club we were at. Looking back now, with more time and experience, I realize she was full-on flirting with me.
Flirting can be a fun and exciting way to show interest in someone, but when it comes to flirting with other women, many of us find ourselves feeling uncertain. Is it like flirting with men? Yes—and no. While the fundamentals of flirting remain the same, nuances specific to queer relationships often add layers of complexity. If you're a bisexual, bi-curious, or queer woman looking to flirt with other women but feel unsure about where to start, this guide is for you.
Understanding the Flirting Dynamic
First, let’s acknowledge the struggle. For many women, flirting with another woman can feel awkward or even intimidating. There’s often an underlying societal pressure to “prove” one’s queerness, which can manifest as anxiety around making sure you’re coming across as genuinely interested—especially when navigating the tricky territory of interpreting another woman’s signals. Is she queer? Is she even attracted to women? This uncertainty can create an extra layer of tension.
As Irma Garcia, a certified sex educator, explains, “One common challenge queer women face when flirting with other women is that their advances are often mistaken for friendliness. This can create confusion, especially in femme-to-femme dynamics, where traditional markers of flirting overlap with how femmes generally interact—warm, playful, and supportive.” It can be hard to convey flirtation between women, but confidence begins with this mindset shift.
The key to overcoming awkward feelings or misunderstandings is stepping boldly into your identity. Be prepared for some pushback or rejection. But remember, you’re attracted to women, and that attraction is valid.
Flirting 101: Confidence Starts with Eye Contact
So let's talk practical advice, shall we? The most subtle, yet impactful, form of flirting starts with eye contact. When flirting with other women, eye contact is your first tool in breaking the ice. It’s a silent, non-verbal way of showing interest, and it can communicate attraction without saying a word.
“Maintaining eye contact signals engagement,” Irma advises. “But the trick is finding that sweet spot where it’s not too intense. Eye contact combined with a smile invites the other person into your world in a flirty, approachable way.”
Eye contact and a genuine smile act as a non-verbal invitation, showing the other woman that you’re open and interested.
Here’s how to do it: Hold her gaze for a few seconds longer than usual and smile in a way that feels comfortable. Look at her lips, cheeks, and chin, and then back up at her eyes. Remember to listen. (It will show on your face if your mind isn’t on what she is saying.) Stay present and remember not every glance needs to be intense; subtlety can go a long way in creating a flirtatious atmosphere.
Compliments Are Your Best Friend
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Once eye contact has been established, the next step is leveling up the flirtation with a well-placed compliment. Specific, thoughtful compliments can make someone feel seen and appreciated. Instead of going for something generic like “You look nice,” try focusing on a unique aspect of her style or personality. Complimenting her laugh, her fashion sense, or even her energy can show her that you’re paying attention.
“Compliments are beautiful gifts,” says Irma. “Complimenting someone’s personality or the essence of who they are as a person feels more meaningful than surface-level flattery. It’s about being an active listener and making sure your compliments reflect the person’s true self.”
Be sincere. A specific compliment feels personal, and it’s more likely to stand out.
Avoid comments that feel rehearsed or overly familiar, and focus on what genuinely stands out to you about the person. A well-thought-out and genuine compliment will pay off big time!
Building Connection Through Touch
Introducing physical touch into the flirting equation can deepen the connection, but it needs to be done with care and sensitivity. Touch is a powerful tool for creating intimacy, but knowing when and how to incorporate it is key.
“Consent is just as crucial in queer dynamics as in any other,” says Irma. “If you’re ever uncertain, simply ask! Phrases like, ‘Is it okay if I hug you?’ or ‘Can I hold your hand?’ show respect for boundaries without breaking the flirtatious energy.”
Start small. A light touch on the arm during conversation or a gentle brush of hands can signal interest while giving the other person space to reciprocate or pull back. Pay close attention to her body language—if she leans in, she’s likely interested in escalating the interaction. If she pulls away, it’s important to respect that and shift gears.
Putting It All Together
Now that we’ve covered the basic building blocks—eye contact, compliments, and touch—let’s look at how they flow together in real-life scenarios. Picture this: You’re at a house party, sitting close to a woman you find attractive. As she talks, you maintain eye contact and listen intently. She cracks a joke, and you compliment her sense of humor. If she responds positively, you can initiate a light, casual touch on her hand or arm to test the waters.
Maybe she leans closer as you continue chatting. You continue to maintain eye contact and place your hand on her shoulder, leaving it a bit longer. She responds positively, smiling and placing her hand on your knee. You keep following, eye contact, compliment, and light touch. Boom, you’re flirting!
This step-by-step process helps build a natural rhythm in flirting, making it easier to navigate from the first glance to more intimate exchanges.
As Irma points out, “Confidence comes from being present in the moment and enjoying the interaction rather than worrying about the outcome.”
Developing Your Own Flirting Style
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While this guide offers a road map, it’s important to develop your own style of flirting. Authenticity is always the most attractive quality. Experiment with these techniques, but don’t feel confined to them. Maybe your style is more playful, or perhaps you prefer deep, meaningful conversations. Whatever feels most comfortable for you is what’s going to resonate best with others.
Irma emphasizes the importance of being true to yourself: “Trying to adopt a different persona can lead to confusion and misunderstandings. Authenticity is key! Pay attention to your body language, lean in, maintain eye contact, and let the energy flow naturally.”
Overcoming Misconceptions About Same Gender Flirting
Finally, it’s crucial to address the misconceptions and bi-phobia that bisexual, bi-curious, and queer women may encounter while flirting with other women.
As Irma highlights, “There’s sometimes an assumption that bisexual women are ‘just experimenting’ or ‘not serious,’ which can lead to unfair judgments.” The best way to navigate these misconceptions is through open communication. Be clear about your intentions and assert your desires with confidence.
By surrounding yourself with affirming spaces and individuals who validate your queerness, you can minimize the impact of biphobia and focus on connecting with women who appreciate and reciprocate your energy.
Empowering You to Explore Your Bisexuality
Flirting with women doesn’t need to be daunting. With the right mindset, it can be an empowering experience. By starting with small, confident gestures—eye contact, compliments, and gentle touch—you can build meaningful connections with other women while exploring your bisexuality in a fun and fulfilling way. Remember, flirting is supposed to be playful and sexy. So, take the pressure off yourself, be authentic, and enjoy the journey.
As Irma Garcia puts it: “Confidence is a state of mind, baby! You have to flip that internal switch and own the fact that you’re that girl.” So go out there and flirt like you mean it.
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The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
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When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Since a hypnotic state is literally about the ability “to influence, control, or direct completely, as by personal charm, words, or domination,” — I guess that, technically, this article could end here. However, if you’ve been reading my content for a while, you already know that I’m going to unpack this way beyond the surface.
Because, if you genuinely are in, let’s call it, a “semi-complex sexual situation” (or is it an addiction?) with a guy right now that has you thinking his eggplant is damn near taking over your bedroom and 75.97 percent of its surrounding areas, we need to figure out how it got to that point and how you can set yourself free — or at least how you can keep things under control (if that is indeed what you want to do).
If you’re ready to choose to accept that mission, let’s look into what being dickmatized is truly all about.
What Does It Really Mean to Be Dickmatized?
Personally, whenever I think of the word “dickmatize,” the first thing that comes to my mind is the movie Love Jones. If you’re a real one, you already know the scene that I am referring to. It’s when Nina was riding in the taxi (you know, the Lyft before Lyft) with her BFF Josie as she was explaining how her first date turned into her first time having sex with Darius. Y’all know what that woman said: “It was like his d-ck just…spoke to me.”
Now that’s fiction (even if it’s good fiction), so to bring some reality and validity to her point, I decided to do some investigating. First, starting with myself. As I reflected on my past sex partners, I mean, if we’re going to be word-literal, there are some penises that were prettier and “easier to receive” (read between the several different lines there, chile) than others.
I’ve also had enough of them in my lifetime that I really want y’all to get over the shoe myth or the assumption that the taller a man is, the bigger things for him can be (NOT TRUE; penis size has to do with genetics more than anything). While you’re at it, please also ditch the “a big one is the only way that I’ll be pleased.” It can’t be said enough that vaginas are about 4” long, and they have to stretch to accommodate beyond that.
Meaning, find a man who wants to please you, regardless of size, and you’ll be good; there’s no need to learn this the — no pun intended — hard way.
Okay, but back to the point: If dickmatized is another word for sexmatized, then yes, I’ve been there. Definitely three partners, off the rip, get a standing ovation in my eyes, yet it wasn’t just because of their member; our chemistry was off-the-charts, the foreplay was on-point, the oral sex was bananas, and yes, they made it their priority and goal to make sure that I orgasmed. Salute to them. And has this winning combo ever caused me to lose my mind? I mean, if by that you mean that I mistook great sex for a healthy relationship — sure.
However, I think that being dickmatized goes a bit — again, pardon the pun — deeper than that.
That’s why I asked some of my friends and clients if they thought that they’d been dickmatized before. No joke, one woman got a glazed look in her eyes and simply nodded “yes.” LOL. When I asked her to expound, she shared that she once had a partner who she had very little in common with, and yet, they kept having sex for years on end, and it was literally because she was consumed with and by his skin, lips, and penis: “No matter how much we didn’t connect on the mental tip, if he let me see that thang, I was butter.”
Another woman said that she actually cheats to this day (check out “I Talked To Some Women About Why They Cheat. Here's What They Said.” and “Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That’s You.”) with her dickmatizer. According to her, she loves her man, but he will never top the sex that she has with the other guy. Chile…CHILE.
Then, I hopped onto YouTube to see what it had to say on the topic. A little over seven-minute video entitled, "Signs That You Are Dickmatized” featured a woman who said that a telling sign that you are, indeed, dickmatized is if you are in denial about it because if he is say, married or has a billion kids or is unemployed and yet you find a way to rationalize being or staying with him, it must be because his d-ck has you caught up.
Or if you’re sitting in church (or wherever) and all that you can think about is “him” or what happens when you’re with him, sexually, that’s another surefire indicator that you are probably dickmatized. Hmph, as far as social media goes, if you’re on pretty much any platform and you put “sneaky link” in the search field (or you hashtag it)…I’ll put it to you this way — how could sneaky links not be the result of some serious dickmatizing on some level because, at the end of the day, you’re sneaking around to have sex and not much else— and oftentimes you’re taking some fascinating risks in order to do it.
Yeah, it really does seem like a case for being dickmatized is only getting stronger. Okay, but so far, all that I’ve talked about are opinions. Is there anything that science says to back that being dickmatized is rooted in some actual facts?
Science Can Actually Explain How “Good D” Can Turn You Out
GiphyLet’s start with an article that I read on a health-related site that asked if men or women experience more pleasure during sex. What it basically said was since men orgasm 90 percent of the time and women only do 50 percent of the time, men get the upper hand in that department. Okay, so if what the research is saying here is that your partner being able to “get you there” constitutes as the ultimate pleasurable (sex) experience, then the guys who have helped you to cum — extra brownie points if it’s vaginally because that’s harder for many women to achieve — would put you on the path to being dickmatized.
Let’s keep going.
Another article that I checked out contained some pretty solid research regarding what happens to the brain whenever there is penile stimulation. Long story short, it increases blow flood to the part of your brain that is designed to regulate emotion. Then, if you happen to have an orgasm while all of this penetration is going on, it will amplify the part of your brain that plays a role in your decision-making process (bookmark that).
Then there are all of the hormones that are able to rush through your system during sex. Prolactin helps to regulate stress; dopamine cultivates feelings of pleasure and motivation; I can’t tell you how many times I have said in a sex-related article that oxytocin literally bonds you to your sex partners (and it can cause you to feel like you can trust the person who you are sleeping with), and endorphins literally mimic the feeling of a morphine hit.
That morphine point is a real doozy. Why? Because morphine helps to take pain away, and endorphins naturally do the same thing. Oh, and I can’t let vasopressin slide. It also likes to make its presence known during copulation and here’s the thing about it: it literally makes it difficult for your brain to distinguish the difference between what is right and what is wrong (uh-oh).
So, think about it: If there’s a guy who takes you to peaks of pleasure that others can’t, then every time he enters you, he gets all into your feelings and alters the decisions you make, and even if you know that either he’s no good for you or things are never really going to go anywhere, sex with him (temporarily) removes feelings of discomfort and makes it hard for you to know what’s actually right for you…and then you keep messing with him over and over…and over again — do you see how this is the perfect (once more, pardon the pun) cocktail for being, well, dickmatized?
Add to this one of my favorite “Wow, I had no clue” random information websites, Cracked. It features an article entitled, "5 Bad Sexual Decisions (And Why We Make Them).” In it, it shares studies that state that the folks go back to “ex-sex” because they are in denial that things are over. Not only that, but a lot of women will have unprotected sex with men solely based on their level of attraction to him (and thinking that if he looks good, the risk of STIs will go down — SMDH). Hmph.
When it comes to that second point, I also think that some women believe that raw sex makes them feel special when, honestly, men who will “wrap it up” to protect your health and prevent unwanted pregnancies are who actually care about you. #pleaseletthatmarinate
Oh, and while some articles out here profess that good sex can “make you fall in love” (insert eye roll here), I have way too much respect for love to jump on that bandwagon. What I will say is if you’re not a constant student of learning the differences between infatuation, lust, love, and being in love, good sex can certainly mimic it (y’all be careful out here).
Bottom line, it looks like science has indeed provided us with enough data to support the fact that even if it didn’t come up with the word “dickmatize,” if you feel like good D has consumed you at some point in your life, it’s probably not all up in your head. Some sho’nuf body changes helped to make it a reality for you.
3 Signs It’s His…You Know and Not Really Him. One (Main) Thing to Do About It.
Sis, if you read all of this and then said, “Seeeee…it’s not my fault that I’m in a cul-de-sac sexual situation. It’s science” — yeah, let’s not play those games because, if dickmatizing pretty much only happens from having sex then you already know what can un-dickmatize you, right? RIGHT?! Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Again, because the feelings that come from mind-blowing coitus can cause things to get a little tricky from time to time, how can you really know if you’re dickmatized — or not?
1. All you really have in common with him is sex. Listen, liking the same movies or DoorDash take-out does not make a solid relationship. If you know for a fact that if you took away the sex, there wouldn’t be much left to go on, then that is a great indicator that you are a victim of dickmatization. The dangerous thing about this particular point is time is something that you can’t ever get back, so is it worth it to have mind-numbing sex if you really want a relationship? Only you know that, my dear. Do be honest with yourself, though.
2. Your vagina and your common sense are always in debates (and your vagina is usually losing). It’s actually pretty natural to want to do things that make us feel good. The problem lies whenever you try to abandon all truth, facts, and logic in order to try and justify whatever that “pleasure source” may be. That said, it was actually a business website that provided some great points about how to know if you lack common sense in some area (even if you are an educated individual): you underestimate risks; you overcomplicate solutions; you misjudge time; you overanalyze simple situations (if it’s just sex, don’t make it more than that), and you pretty much suck at reading social cues (like, he may be having sex with you but that doesn’t mean you’re his only partner and/or that he has any future plans beyond sex for/with you).
3. You are lowering your standards. Look, some folks like to be dickmatized. That’s all they are really looking for and so, for them, for now, life is good. However, if you’re sticking around for the penis, all the while believing that you and “that guy” are going to turn into a 2.0 version of Darius and Nina — IT WAS A MOVIE. And sis, if you want a relationship, don’t deceive yourself into thinking that good sex will (automatically) turn into that.
Listen, although casual sex can be a lot of fun, I say often that casual means that something has no real aim or purpose, so if you want a relationship and you’re in a purposeless dynamic — you are lowering your standards, and that is, let’s go with, highly unfortunate.
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Okay, so as I’m about to wind all of this down, look at the feature pic again. Like really look at her. If the first thing that you noticed is she looks a lot like Denise Huxtable after she married Lt. Martin Kendall (the real ones know), I would agree. If the second thought that came to mind is, “Damn, are they a real couple because her stare is hella intense?” — that’s why I picked it. She is the epitome of what being dickmatized can look like.
And since I shared so many ways that sex can lead to dickmatization, well, if you want to get out of its clutches, you already know what you need to do. If his d-ck has you trippin’ (insert Total’s “Trippin’” right here), staying away from it — detoxing, if you will — is how to get on the road to logic, common sense, and genuine freedom.
Really, and totally wanting to do that? Yeah, that’s another matter entirely. For now, I will conclude with some pearls of wisdom from a client, though: “Girrrl, it took me a good six months to not act like I was coming off of a drug. But after I went cold turkey [insert Anthony David’s song about that here], I realized that all I was getting was good sex. I wanted more. Women can have both. They just have to choose it.”
YOU CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND SEX. YOU. JUST. HAVE. TO. CHOOSE IT.
If you’re currently and certifiably dickmatized right now, which way you leaning? Into the consequences of sex and science or the decision to get all of you want and not just — a piece of it (the puns keep on coming)?
Being dickmatized can be euphoric and also stagnating AF.
Please read this over again…and then choose wisely. Very.
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