The first time another woman flirted with me, I missed all of the queues. She was batting her eyelashes, complimenting my fragrance, and leaning in close. I thought she just wanted to make sure I heard her over the loud music of the club we were at. Looking back now, with more time and experience, I realize she was full-on flirting with me.
Flirting can be a fun and exciting way to show interest in someone, but when it comes to flirting with other women, many of us find ourselves feeling uncertain. Is it like flirting with men? Yes—and no. While the fundamentals of flirting remain the same, nuances specific to queer relationships often add layers of complexity. If you're a bisexual, bi-curious, or queer woman looking to flirt with other women but feel unsure about where to start, this guide is for you.
Understanding the Flirting Dynamic
First, let’s acknowledge the struggle. For many women, flirting with another woman can feel awkward or even intimidating. There’s often an underlying societal pressure to “prove” one’s queerness, which can manifest as anxiety around making sure you’re coming across as genuinely interested—especially when navigating the tricky territory of interpreting another woman’s signals. Is she queer? Is she even attracted to women? This uncertainty can create an extra layer of tension.
As Irma Garcia, a certified sex educator, explains, “One common challenge queer women face when flirting with other women is that their advances are often mistaken for friendliness. This can create confusion, especially in femme-to-femme dynamics, where traditional markers of flirting overlap with how femmes generally interact—warm, playful, and supportive.” It can be hard to convey flirtation between women, but confidence begins with this mindset shift.
The key to overcoming awkward feelings or misunderstandings is stepping boldly into your identity. Be prepared for some pushback or rejection. But remember, you’re attracted to women, and that attraction is valid.
Flirting 101: Confidence Starts with Eye Contact
So let's talk practical advice, shall we? The most subtle, yet impactful, form of flirting starts with eye contact. When flirting with other women, eye contact is your first tool in breaking the ice. It’s a silent, non-verbal way of showing interest, and it can communicate attraction without saying a word.
“Maintaining eye contact signals engagement,” Irma advises. “But the trick is finding that sweet spot where it’s not too intense. Eye contact combined with a smile invites the other person into your world in a flirty, approachable way.”
Eye contact and a genuine smile act as a non-verbal invitation, showing the other woman that you’re open and interested.
Here’s how to do it: Hold her gaze for a few seconds longer than usual and smile in a way that feels comfortable. Look at her lips, cheeks, and chin, and then back up at her eyes. Remember to listen. (It will show on your face if your mind isn’t on what she is saying.) Stay present and remember not every glance needs to be intense; subtlety can go a long way in creating a flirtatious atmosphere.
Compliments Are Your Best Friend
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Once eye contact has been established, the next step is leveling up the flirtation with a well-placed compliment. Specific, thoughtful compliments can make someone feel seen and appreciated. Instead of going for something generic like “You look nice,” try focusing on a unique aspect of her style or personality. Complimenting her laugh, her fashion sense, or even her energy can show her that you’re paying attention.
“Compliments are beautiful gifts,” says Irma. “Complimenting someone’s personality or the essence of who they are as a person feels more meaningful than surface-level flattery. It’s about being an active listener and making sure your compliments reflect the person’s true self.”
Be sincere. A specific compliment feels personal, and it’s more likely to stand out.
Avoid comments that feel rehearsed or overly familiar, and focus on what genuinely stands out to you about the person. A well-thought-out and genuine compliment will pay off big time!
Building Connection Through Touch
Introducing physical touch into the flirting equation can deepen the connection, but it needs to be done with care and sensitivity. Touch is a powerful tool for creating intimacy, but knowing when and how to incorporate it is key.
“Consent is just as crucial in queer dynamics as in any other,” says Irma. “If you’re ever uncertain, simply ask! Phrases like, ‘Is it okay if I hug you?’ or ‘Can I hold your hand?’ show respect for boundaries without breaking the flirtatious energy.”
Start small. A light touch on the arm during conversation or a gentle brush of hands can signal interest while giving the other person space to reciprocate or pull back. Pay close attention to her body language—if she leans in, she’s likely interested in escalating the interaction. If she pulls away, it’s important to respect that and shift gears.
Putting It All Together
Now that we’ve covered the basic building blocks—eye contact, compliments, and touch—let’s look at how they flow together in real-life scenarios. Picture this: You’re at a house party, sitting close to a woman you find attractive. As she talks, you maintain eye contact and listen intently. She cracks a joke, and you compliment her sense of humor. If she responds positively, you can initiate a light, casual touch on her hand or arm to test the waters.
Maybe she leans closer as you continue chatting. You continue to maintain eye contact and place your hand on her shoulder, leaving it a bit longer. She responds positively, smiling and placing her hand on your knee. You keep following, eye contact, compliment, and light touch. Boom, you’re flirting!
This step-by-step process helps build a natural rhythm in flirting, making it easier to navigate from the first glance to more intimate exchanges.
As Irma points out, “Confidence comes from being present in the moment and enjoying the interaction rather than worrying about the outcome.”
Developing Your Own Flirting Style
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While this guide offers a road map, it’s important to develop your own style of flirting. Authenticity is always the most attractive quality. Experiment with these techniques, but don’t feel confined to them. Maybe your style is more playful, or perhaps you prefer deep, meaningful conversations. Whatever feels most comfortable for you is what’s going to resonate best with others.
Irma emphasizes the importance of being true to yourself: “Trying to adopt a different persona can lead to confusion and misunderstandings. Authenticity is key! Pay attention to your body language, lean in, maintain eye contact, and let the energy flow naturally.”
Overcoming Misconceptions About Same Gender Flirting
Finally, it’s crucial to address the misconceptions and bi-phobia that bisexual, bi-curious, and queer women may encounter while flirting with other women.
As Irma highlights, “There’s sometimes an assumption that bisexual women are ‘just experimenting’ or ‘not serious,’ which can lead to unfair judgments.” The best way to navigate these misconceptions is through open communication. Be clear about your intentions and assert your desires with confidence.
By surrounding yourself with affirming spaces and individuals who validate your queerness, you can minimize the impact of biphobia and focus on connecting with women who appreciate and reciprocate your energy.
Empowering You to Explore Your Bisexuality
Flirting with women doesn’t need to be daunting. With the right mindset, it can be an empowering experience. By starting with small, confident gestures—eye contact, compliments, and gentle touch—you can build meaningful connections with other women while exploring your bisexuality in a fun and fulfilling way. Remember, flirting is supposed to be playful and sexy. So, take the pressure off yourself, be authentic, and enjoy the journey.
As Irma Garcia puts it: “Confidence is a state of mind, baby! You have to flip that internal switch and own the fact that you’re that girl.” So go out there and flirt like you mean it.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023