Didn't know April is Financial Literacy Month? Well, now you do. And what better excuse to get your finances in check or figure out how you'll add to your already lit bank accounts? Let's get into some knowledge about credit. It's an issue we all face as we look for ways to reach financial freedom and the best road to where the money resides. Sadly, the stats reflect harsh realities for many of us. Fifty-four percent of Black adults report having no credit or a poor to fair credit score (below 640).
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Carmen Perez, Varo Bank's personal finance advocate and creator of MakeRealCents.com, a financial fitness platform, shares the good, bad and ugly on credit. Perez, an award-winning professional who's worked for Citi and Morgan Stanley, successfully paid off $57,000 of her own debt in less than three years.
"My finances were a hot mess up until I was able to commit to a plan," she shares. After facing a lawsuit from a private lender, she had to use her last bits of savings to hire a lawyer. She readjusted her budget, completely cut out luxuries like eating out and investing in cable, and reinvested her time into a photography side hustle to bring in more cash. She also kept a close eye on her finances and savings via the cash envelop system, and by the end of 2018, she was debt-free.
It's always good to know where you are before creating a plan to get to where you want to be. So, let's get into some credit 101:
Your Credit Score: The Basics
A credit score, also referred to as your FICO score, is a number that lets lenders know how much of a risk it would be to lend you money. The score ranges from 300 (the lowest) to 850 (the highest). "It is a benchmark that lenders use to gauge how likely a person is to pay back what they owe based on past data. The more you pay things back and on time, the better your credit can be, which can help you borrow money at a lower rate for things you may need," Perez says.
There are three major credit reporting bureaus, TransUnion, Equifax and Experian, and each uses different reporting methods, thus you could have up to three different scores.
"The misconception is that we have one credit score, which is inaccurate. We have multiple, and it depends on what we're applying or aiming for," Perez says. "Your bank, for example, could be showing you a FICO score that might be conducive to opening a credit card, but your score might be different when applying for financing for something else."
Also, various things can impact your credit score, from late bill payments or rental debts to outstanding medical bills and tax liens. On the positive side, a long history of maintaining accounts in good standing, or taking on debt that you're able to manage and pay back consistently over time, are all actions that can contribute to a great credit score.
You can access your credit scores for free via AnnualCreditReport.com, and each report will have specifics on the types of accounts you have on record (such as credit card, mortgage, and student or car loans), the date those accounts were opened, information on your credit limits or loan amounts, as well as details about your payment history. Credit reports also have history on where you've lived and sometimes where you've worked. You'll want to make sure all information is up to date and accurate, especially since some information could be from fraudulent activity, a reporting misake, or an old debt of more than several years that should have dropped off.
For more information on your credit reports, look into resources offered by the credit bureaus, including apps that offer weekly updates on your credit score, credit report information, and credit products available to you. Other easy-to-use and super-helpful websites on understanding your reports are CreditKarma.com and USA.gov.
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Your Credit Score: The Good
The benefits of having a "good" credit score, which is one that falls generally at a 700 or above, is access to more housing options, more confidence when applying for a loan, and lower interest rates when you get approved. "Good credit allows you to secure better housing and, in some cases, will enable you to bypass having to put a deposit down if you rent," Perez adds. "If you plan on owning, good credit can help you secure a mortgage with better financing terms for you in the long-term. The lower your interest rate, the less you'll pay in interest over time."
"You'll feel less worried about getting denied, which can help you focus more on the things that matter, like negotiating a good interest rate."
But what about if you have no credit at all (i.e. no active accounts being reported to the credit bureaus or your credit history is so limited that there's no score)? Perez recommends getting a secured credit card, one that requires a deposit but offers other great benefits for people who haven't built credit.
"Get one at bank or financial institution that you're looking to have a long-term relationship with---one that offers access to other products. You might put up $500, for example, to open the account, and it will give you access to other products later that you might find beneficial such as home and auto loans."
She also urges women to put some serious thought and research into making decisions about what cards might be best for them. Looking to resources like Nerd Wallet or reading up on your current bank's credit card options (along with the fine print) are your best bet. Be sure to get details on annual fees, card closure policies, and payment protocols.
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Your Credit: The Bad
In some cases, with a credit score that is below 640, a lender sees you as a higher risk for default or nonpayment of a loan. "If you haven't been good at paying back the money you've already borrowed, lenders will be more hesitant to lend you money," Perez says. "Since they are lending you the money, your loan terms, whether it be a mortgage, car loan, or credit card, will be more favorable for the lender than they will be for you. And since the lender is taking on all the risk, their reward is being able to charge you with a higher interest rate. Interest over time can add up and take away money that could be going toward your future self, like investing for retirement."
Though cash is king, when it comes to buying a home or even renting an apartment, you may need a cosigner to vouch for a loan. "Getting someone else to cosign on anything can be pretty tricky, especially when you already have bad credit," she continues. "You may also be subject to paying high deposits, which can deplete you of cash that could be going toward things like your savings or retirement."
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Your Credit Score: The Ugly
In Perez's case, she was sued for an outstanding debt, and this is a common practice for some lenders as well as medical service providers and property management companies. Accounts that have reached collections stages and wage garnishments can not only deplete your pockets, but they can indeed negatively impact your credit score. A bad credit score can even affect your employment opportunities. "Sometimes employers will run a credit check on you before giving you the job," she says. "If your credit isn't in a good place, they may not extend the offer."
But you can take bad credit and turn your situation around. Perez recommends looking at all your credit reports and disputing anything that might be out of date or inaccurate. Then address the open accounts with balances that are past due. "Get on the phone with your lender. Explain your situation. See if they have a hardship program, and get the information on what that actually looks like. Get those details up front first, and then go from there." Perez also suggests freezing your credit card and pausing on use versus closing them, something that could negatively impact your credit. If possible, remain in communication with companies or lenders you owe to negotiate a plan for resolving your debt. "If you get the no the first time, continue to call to see if you can get yourself on a payment plan. That's better than [the lender] hitting up your credit because you're not making payments."
There are also credit-card debt relief options offered with the understanding that many are facing pandemic-related hardships, and community resources to get help in building budgets or exploring other debt-relief options.
Perez is also a big advocate of finding a way to earn more income via a side hustle and paying down at a pace that takes into account your current lifestyle and necessities. "Make sure you're prioritizing your bills. If you're in a hole and trying to make it out, it's time to put a budget in place and figure out where your money is going."
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
____
As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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