Going on the hunt for a new job can be both exciting and frustrating, and more of the latter if you don't have a solid plan. You might get to the point where you've sent out hundreds of resumes, attended dozens virtual job fairs, and hit "Instant Apply" on LinkedIn more times than you can count, yet still no offers. You also might be growing tired of the rejection emails, the multiple interview rounds that lead nowhere, or the low-quality correspondences about jobs that are way below your experience and pay grade. Figuring out how to find your next gig can be more than draining.
If any of this sounds familiar to you or you feel seen, we've got you covered with a better way to attack your job search and come out the victor:
Elevate your online presence.
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More than 50 percent of recruiters are using social media to find job candidates, according to recent research, so it's time you up the ante on the web. You'll need to get creative, and there are so many cool and free ways to do this. You can set up a free Wix or Weebly website or a simple About.me page with your photo and resume presented in a way that is both visually pleasing, informative, and engaging. Keep it simple but allow it to reflect your personality and who you are outside of what you do. (And, unless you're in a creative industry, don't go too crazy with colors, fonts, and other elements that might be distracting. Keep it clean and let the storytelling about who you are and what you offer shine).
You can also spruce up your Instagram, LinkedIn, or Twitter pages by getting some professional headshots done and updating a bit more often with posts that include insights on solving a problem or highlights on your niche knowledge, experiences, and expertise.
If you're into shooting videos, start a YouTube channel discussing issues you're passionate about (job- or industry-related, of course) and again, keep it simple (unless you're a whiz at video production and editing).
Go old-school.
So you've only been relying on email or private messages? Sis, you might have to actually visit a few offices in person (if safe and possible). Call and inquire about a recent job post, and ask about additional information so that you can strategize a better way to approach applying. Connect with an executive assistant, receptionist, or maybe even someone who might become your future coworker—in person.
Attend in-person fairs instead of virtual ones. While you might not want to shove a resume in someone's face at a conference or panel, a brief face-to-face encounter is a good icebreaker for when you do follow up with an email about a recent job opening.
(And take your resume anyway. You never know if your perfect moment to shoot your shot might come up. Be sure to read the room. This is where good social skills and strategic initiative come in.) If unsure, just get their contact information to cultivate a relationship and work your way toward that perfect moment to pitch yourself in the future.
Get a coach or connect with a head hunter.
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Sometimes it's best to get some help from a professional who can be your sounding board for your frustrations, assist you in creating a better strategy, and connect you with legitimate job leads. This is especially important when you have more than 10 years of experience in the industry because, at that point, you'd be looking for opportunities that reflect your growth, career fulfillment needs, and salary requirements.
The best place to start is LinkedIn because you want to be sure you're getting a person who's about results and has credibility.
Many career coaches and headhunters detail their experience, background, methods, and success stories on LinkedIn, and finding one can lead you to others who might be a good fit.
Also, try contacting your former college's career center or alumni office to get information on people who provide coaching or headhunting services. Check out resources like the National Career Development Organization (NCDO) or the Professional Organization of Resume Writers and Career Coaches to find reputable professionals. (And here's a good time-saving trick: Do a bit of digging into their social pages. Oftentimes you'll find professionals you can reach out to among their follower lists.)
Consider civic, internship, fellowship, or volunteer work.
Don't roll your eyes just yet. When you're unemployed or are changing careers, ain't nobody got time to give away their time for free or for lower pay than expected. But hear us out, sis. If you've already been hitting job search walls for a while, it won't hurt to offer a few hours a week toward volunteering for an organization, entrepreneur, or company initiative in order to spark relationships, showcase your abilities and build trust in your potential to become a paid employee. (And even if it doesn't lead to a job at that company or brand, it's an experience that you can market for another opportunity.)
It could be a breast cancer advocacy walk where you know certain sponsors and their key executives will be involved. It could be a church event, local school program, a blood drive—even a political or advocacy march or demonstration. Position yourself to not only do good but to be in the presence of others who might have job leads.
Internships and fellowships (even if you're past your college days) are also great for getting your foot in the door and gaining experience.
Post-grad internships provide opportunities for professionals who have already earned degrees but do not fit the requirements of traditional internships. Most fellowships provide some sort of stipend, grand, or modest salary and might even include benefits, relocation funds, and health insurance.
Another option is military enlistment or applying for the Peace Corps (which is an independent non-military entity). The age limit for some military branches goes up to 35, and both paths provide a great way to not only expand your horizons (both mentally and physically) but to cultivate and apply your skills to a multitude of industries and roles while serving.
Broaden your standards and think outside the box.
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Don't limit yourself by the degree you earned or the industry you've always worked in. True, some jobs require certain certifications and specialized education, but many jobs rely on transferable skills. For example, you could have a bachelor's degree in marketing but your skills might be ideal for a sports organization, news outlet, or nonprofit, not just for a marketing agency or advertising firm. Or let's say you've been an educator in a traditional school system for five years. Well, that same leadership, class management, and lesson plan composition skills could be used for corporate training, research, or standardized test development.
Love fashion but you're a tech geek? Get your foot in the door via IT or graphic design, and then work your way into a different department. If you've always worked in the for-profit sector, why not explore nonprofits and use your talents there? Only looking at the big Fortune 100 companies? Why not get your feet wet first at a startup or mid-sized brand?
You have to think about the long game in order to win in sustainable career advancement, so sometimes taking the alternative or nontraditional route to gaining employment is a better idea in the long run.
For more job search tips, career advice, and profiles, check out the xoNecole Workin Girl section here.
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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