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"The space that stands between you and your dreams is called self-discipline."
It's a saying too many of us can relate to. Our minds are teeming with all these crazy big dreams that are so easy to dream. Yet, when it comes to actually putting in the work to turn them into reality, it's something that we fail to do. Including—no, mostly, me.
I often hear my circle describe me as a woman of ambition that manages to reach the top of every mountain that she decides to climb. Although I'd love for this painting of me to be real, I must admit that these are in fact misinterpreted facts. I did accomplish pretty big things, that's true. But you know, for all the dreams of mine that I managed to fulfill throughout my life, I couldn't tell you how many other perfectly planned and visualized ideas and projects I have allowed to die between the pages of my journals.
Why? Easy. The lack of self-discipline.
At the beginning, the motivation to start is 100 percent there, but as far as staying consistent and having enough patience to wait for real results to show? It's easy to get discouraged and switch my focus on a short-term goal that'll provide me with instant gratification instead. I know that I'm not the only one to feel this way. But one thing I know, sisters, is that we want to stop doing that. We want to stop giving up on our crazy ideas and desires and start pursuing them relentlessly so we can finally live a life of abundance.
Recently, I had the opportunity to have inspiring conversations with successful women of color who, to me, perfectly embody the principle of self-discipline and ask them about their learning process, what self-discipline means to them, and how they're implementing it in their lives.
One thing I've learned throughout my journey through entrepreneurship is that if I don't rely on my calendar, it makes things scattered for me; my calendar is everything that my day can consist of. I believe I've come to the realization that my calendar was my most powerful ally after the third year of entrepreneurship.
I reached a point where I was just burnt out because I thought that I could replace my 9-5 within my first year of entrepreneurship—that was a very unrealistic goal.
But I was convinced that if I worked hard enough, I could make the same income in so little time. When that didn't happen, I blamed myself. I wasn't even close to it and I thought the reason why was because I didn't work hard enough. So, for the next two years, I worked around the clock and was putting in the hours.
Being in my third year of entrepreneurship now, I realize that it was unhealthy to have set myself such a goal for it made me feel unhappy. I had to face the fact that I was doing something wrong and this is when the process of me really analyzing how I'm spending my time started.
Now my rule is, during the time slots that I have parked out for specific activities, I do not allow myself to veer away from them. Even my family, friends and staff know that unless it's an emergency, they can't just pop up and call me in the middle of the day. I probably won't answer anyway because if I do, I'll want to pour into them and it means that the things I should be doing will be on pause.
To me, self-discipline really is the chemistry between your soul and your mind. In many instances, you may have an inkling of something that you want to do but self-discipline is when you have to dig down in your soul to actually make it happen. And once you operate in a space of self-discipline, you walk a little taller. You hold your head high, you have a different posture because you know what you're capable of.
To the question what does it require from me, I would say listening to my soul on a consistent basis. Listening to the things that make me happy.
Staying true to ourselves and remaining consistent in looking for the things that make us happy is important. Those are the gifts that will make room for us. I also do think that due diligence is mandatory. When you think of the things that you want to accomplish, it's necessary that you commit to them. You can't just be halfway putting in the work here and there—that is also where consistency comes in and plays a huge role.
I was raised by a single mom, parenting two daughters. She has three degrees and her own business. Seeing how hard my mom works has truly been impactful in my own life and I grew to understand and appreciate this trait of her personality.
My process to learning self-discipline involves three things: 1) Knowing what I want. I find it hard to be disciplined with anything if I didn't initially spend the time visualizing or understanding what my goal or desired outcome was in the first place. 2) Being my biggest fan. The hard reality of pursuing your goal is that you won't always have the support that you need. Luckily, I do have a strong core group of close friends who cheer me on. However, I don't always depend on them because I know how important it is to be my biggest fan. 3) Some serious self-awareness. Self-awareness is crucial. You have to know yourself and be willing to be real with yourself.
I am always quick to call myself out and then establish a new boundary with myself, for myself. If I had a lazy week, I have to be upfront about it. If my body and mind simply need a day to unplug, I honor that as well. Because I was once lazy, I also have to identify if it is rest or laziness approaching me. It gets easier differentiating the two over time, but ultimately you have to keep listening to your needs and be real with yourself.
Moment of transparency, it's still taking me time to adapt to this change of lifestyle but what keeps me motivated is to remember that nobody is going to do it for me. I often tell myself this when laziness tries to creep up around the corner. When writing my book Breaking up with the Bad Girl, I was able to hire an editor, but I had to muster up the self-discipline to write my book in the first place.
Even though some days I only get a quarter of the tasks on my list accomplished whereas I could've crossed off every one of them, I've learned to accept that when I'm patient and gracious with myself, it makes self-discipline more enjoyable.
Self-discipline has improved the quality of my life in many ways. One of those ways is my belief in myself. When my discipline allows me to accomplish a goal, it is proof that it can be done again for another goal. It has always enhanced the love I have for myself. I understand who I am to the core, and what I bring to the table. Moreover, as a believer, it's important to me to be self-disciplined for not only am I honoring myself, but I'm also honoring God; "Faith without works is dead" (James 2:14-26).
Leticia Marie Gardner
Courtesy of Leticia Marie Gardner (left) & lovely daughter (right)
Founder of Total Body 21
As a woman, wife, mother of two incredible girls, and fitness brand owner, I have a lot of things going on and there isn't a part of it all that doesn't require self-discipline. Especially when we only have 24 hours in a day. Whether it is loving my husband, looking after my daughters who are on two completely different schedules and demand two very different types of attention, working out, or managing my online boutique… it all requires focus and persistence from me.
I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have the willpower to be that woman.
The need to become more serious about my health and body didn't hit me before I gave birth to my youngest. I was in my early 30s and realized that everything really changes with age and gone were the days I could just eat anything. From there, it became mandatory for me to feed my body with healthy food and exercise consistently.
Now of course, I go through those days where I'm dragging; I just don't feel like it. I go through my seasons where I either just want to eat good or I don't care. I'm no different than any other girl, I go through it just like everyone else.
But although I may not be motivated all the time, the thing that keeps me going is my addiction to the results. I'm not addicted to the process, I'd rather stay home, eat fast food, and desserts every day. But the result is what I'm in love with. I love the way my body looks and feels when I treat it right.
To me, self-discipline comes from self-worth, self-love, and self-motivation. You may see women with nice bodies and deeply want yours to look similar. But if you're not willing to put in the necessary amount of work until you can actually see some results, then all you'll do is double-tap their pictures on Instagram.
It's really about mental strength, it all happens in your mind. Your body will not do what the mind doesn't tell it to do. You can be sitting comfortably on your couch and crave a snack, but if you do not command your body to get up and go get it, you're not going to eat it. You must have the willpower, you must set the goal—a realistic goal—and chase it. You must love yourself enough to treat your body like the vessel that it is which is special. We only get one body, so you must have the willpower to do what is necessary to take care of it.
My process to learn self-discipline was an interesting one. I graduated high-school with a very low GPA (1.9 to be exact), I never had a routine, never had a bedtime or strict rules growing up in my household. When I got older, I knew that I wanted to change that. Once I became sick of my own BS, I started creating daily habits for myself. I started making my bed each day (hence the title of my book) and I started to see my productivity increase substantially just by being consistent in that small task each day.
If anything, the lack of discipline of anyone around me only made me want to be further away from them. Once I made up my mind that I was going to change my lifestyle because I was destined for more, I began to lose a lot of people along the way. Unfortunately, as you become more in tune with your divine purpose, people who are no longer equally yoked will naturally fall off. I've learned to make peace with that and no longer try to hold on to something/someone that is no longer serving my highest good.
One of my favorite fall quotes says: "The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let the dead things go." I try to live by that.
One thing that I'm working on this year is being more present with my loved ones. Surprisingly, that has required so much self-discipline because I'm used to always doing 10,000 things at once. Life has taught me that everything else is temporary but family is forever. Knowing that, it pushes me to be more intentional and disciplined during my quality time with the ones I love the most.
As a Black woman in America from a low-income family, I knew early in life that to achieve anything I'd have to work harder than everybody else and be more disciplined than everybody else. For me, self-discipline is about creating a plan and sticking to it which means that discipline requires a lot of planning.
Every Sunday I spend 30 minutes to an hour planning out my week. I make a list of all the things I want, need, and must do. Then (using my planner), I assign each item to a day of the week. Then, I look at Monday's to-do list and schedule when I will do each task. Monday night, I create Tuesday's schedule and so on... This hour-by-hour scheduling isn't for everyone, but it works well for me because I was a teacher for 10 years and thus lived my life in class periods.
Right now, every single part of my life requires self-discipline. I am currently battling breast cancer. The side effects of cancer treatments and the emotional and mental toll of a cancer diagnosis all make it very hard to feel motivated to do anything.
But thanks to my self-discipline—and God—and despite cancer plus the pandemic, 2020 has been one of my most successful years career-wise.
That said, even before the cancer diagnosis, self-discipline was essential for my career. I am what I like to call a full-time "writerpreneur". I'm a freelance writer and the founder of See Jane Write which is a website, membership community, and coaching service for women who write and blog. When you're your own boss, self-discipline is a prerequisite. Without it, I wouldn't meet deadlines for freelance writing assignments, let alone do what needs to be done to serve the community and grow my business.
To me, the main pillars of self-discipline are planning, purpose, and persistence.
You have to create a plan for what needs to be done to accomplish your goals. You have to know your purpose, know why you want to accomplish those goals in the first place, and stay focused on that. Most importantly, you have to be persistent. Persistence doesn't mean perfection. It's OK if you're killing it every day. Remember, rest is essential. Also, some days you're going to miss the mark. And that's OK.
Persistence is getting back in the game after a bad day.
Featured image courtesy of Ardre Orie
- Developing Discipline | Psychology Today ›
- How to Build Self Discipline to Excel in Life ›
- 7 ways to start being more self-disciplined right now ›
- If Self-Discipline Feels Difficult, Then You're Doing It Wrong ›
- 20 Strategies To Develop Self Discipline That Lasts ›
- 5 Proven Methods For Gaining Self Discipline ›
- 7 Simple Habits to Improve Your Self-Discipline | Clever Girl Finance ›
The most Gemini woman you'll ever meet. Communications & community enthusiast, I run a media platform centered around spirituality, and I'm always looking to connect with fellow creatives. Follow me on Instagram & Twitter @savannahtaider
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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'Pebbling' Is Something That We Should Do In All Relationships More Often
It truly can’t be said enough that quotes are totally my thing, and when it comes to the topic of today’s conversation, I think that one by author Roy T. Bennett fits in quite nicely: “Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
The (main) reason why I like it so much is because (spoiler alert) pebbling is actually an act of giving (more on that to come) and when you give with a genuine motive, how can that not improve your attitude, make you happier, boost your positivity, help you to be kinder, make you want to give more and also see yourself and others from a place of elevated honor and respect? Something as simple as giving to other people can do all of that. Amazing.
And the really wonderful thing about pebbling is it doesn’t require that you do much sacrificial giving at all — it’s simply about giving from your heart. Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. If you want to learn more about what pebbling is and how it can ultimately benefit, pretty much any relationship that you currently have, I’ll explain further below.
What Is the Origin Story of “Pebbling”?
Are you ready to feel old? How absolutely wild is it that the documentary (that actor Morgan Freeman narrated)The March of the Penguinsis 20 this year?! One of my favorite things about it is how well the penguin fathers were at taking care of their young. And what does that have to do with pebbling? Well, pebbling is something that we actually have learned from — yep, you guessed it — penguins.
Apparently, whenever a penguin (specifically a Gentoo one) wants to show a romantic gesture towards its partner (or the one who they want to partner with), something that it will do is pick up a pebble and either bring it to them directly or place it where they have decided to build a nest. Pebble nests are ideal because they protect against the bitter cold while also keeping newborn baby penguins safe. Pebbles: a small thing that makes a huge impression. And that is pebbling in a nutshell.
Why Pebbling Is Beneficial in Every Kind of Relationship
And just how does this translate to us humans? Well, the term “pebbling,” for us, is basically about doing small gestures for the people in your own life as a way of expressing how much you care for them. For teenagers, it oftentimes comes in the form of sending their friends a GIF, TikTok video, or meme for the other person to laugh at, relate to, or know that they are being thought of. For adults, it can be something like sending a “you crossed my mind” text, seeing a cute mug on Etsy and sending it to a friend, or having your partner’s favorite dessert waiting on them when they get home. Basically, it’s also small deeds that, because they are so thoughtful, can make a pretty big impact on the lives of the people in your world.
And just why is pebbling so relationally effective? Just think about it. When it comes to grand efforts, those are oftentimes somewhat expected, because we tend to reserve those for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. And although they are certainly appreciated, they’re not exactly a surprise. Oh, but when someone does something for you, no matter how small, that is totally out of the blue, it conveys that you are on their mind. And don’t let it be something that you really like, boy.
Example? One of my favorite memories of my late fiancé (who will have been gone 30 damn years this fall…amazing) happened back in 1995. He was from the south side of Chicago and, at the time, Nashville didn’t have a MAC counter. I knew about MAC, though, because my mom would sometimes buy me things from there whenever she would travel to New York for business. Anyway, I was super fond of their chestnut lipliner at the time and so, when Damien randomly asked me if there was something that I would like when he went home to visit at the beginning of that semester and I mentioned the lipliner — it tripped me right on out when he brought me exactly that…many weeks later.
Was the lipliner bomb? Yep. However, it was the pebbling that provided the true “ripple effect,” because 1) he retained what I said and 2) it proved that he had me on his mind while he was gone. And that is an example of how pebbling can benefit relationships because who doesn’t want to be thought of? Who doesn’t want someone else to show, tangibly, that they heard and are special? Who doesn’t like little surprises along life’s way?
That’s how pebbling can benefit the person who is on the receiving end. And just what does it do for the giver? Well, kind of like how skipping rocks/pebbles tend to have a ripple effect, so does pebbling. I’ll expound.
How Pebbling Blesses You, the Giver, in the Process
Even if you’re not an avid Bible reader, I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard it’s more blessed to give than it is to receive — and yes, that does come directly from a verse in Scripture (Acts 20:35, to be exact). Okay, but aside from how spiritually refreshing it is to give to others, did you know that it comes with proven health benefits too?
Giving helps to lower your risks of depression; decreases your blood pressure; improves your self-esteem; puts you into a better mood; can give you a stronger immunity, and even increases your longevity (which ties into another Scripture which says, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” — Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV).
Beyond that, something else that I think is beautiful about giving is it has a way of planting “seeds” into someone else’s life. Based on what you decide to give, can help them to achieve a goal, give them a more positive mindset, or keep them encouraged if they are tempted to lose hope. It can also “amplify” their personality. What I mean by that is…a friend of mine? She has a metaphorical fist-pumping hard into the air (if you know, you know) at least 10 months out of every year. LOL.
Just recently, I purchased her a sweatshirt that features one of my favorite quotes by the late and great civil rights activist John Lewis. It roughly cost me forty bucks (including shipping). Oh, but as much as my friend likes sweatshirts and makes IG posts, it will plant all sorts of seeds into her platform and life. On the flip side, she knows that I like fresh flowers a lot and there are times when a boxed bouquet will pop out of nowhere. It makes me feel loved. Again, seeds planted.
Yeah, when you know that what you are doing for someone will, at the very least, make them feel seen, how could that not automatically bring happiness into your own life? Even if it is…a “pebble” kind of token.
“Pebbles” Take the Pressure Off
Perhaps the best thing of all about the act of pebbling is no one has to go broke in order to do it. Handwriting a note of love to your partner, encouragement to your child, or support to a friend counts as pebbling. Writing a letter for someone to open “just in case” (just in case they are having a rough day or just in case they aren’t feeling well) counts as pebbling.
Creating a quick video on your phone with a joke or a great story about your relationship with someone and sending it their way counts as pebbling. Printing off some inspirational quotes on colorful paper, putting them into a mason jar, and gifting it/them counts as pebbling. Scheduling a virtual coffee date with a long-distance friend counts as pebbling. Curating a playlist for someone counts as pebbling.
DIY’ing some coupons counts as pebbling. Putting together a photo collage from pics on your phone with a special someone and texting or emailing it over to them counts as pebbling. Running an errand for your bae that you know they hate doing counts as pebbling. Shouting out someone on social media for all of the reasons why you adore them counts as pebbling.
And do you know what all of these things have in common? They don’t cost a dime. While yes, getting someone their favorite scented candle or knitting someone a scarf also counts as pebbling, I just want to make sure that it’s also on record that the brilliant thing about being a pebble-person is you don’t need coins to be one. You just need to be thoughtful, you just need to set aside a little bit of time, and then you need to execute. That’s it.
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The mission (should you choose to accept it): Think of 3-5 people this week who you can “pebble.” Determine to do something different for each individual (something that fits their uniqueness) and try your best to have it cost as little as possible. That way, you can get into the habit of giving without feeling like it has to cost you something. As a “pebble-r” myself, I can vouch for the fact that, before you know it, you’ll be pebbling all over the place…while inspiring others to do the same.
A woman by the name of Rashida Rowe once said, “Relationships are about 'give and give,' not give and take.” In other words, relationships — healthy ones, anyway — are all about reciprocity. When folks learn that giving doesn’t always have to be extravagant, that pebbling is another way to go, it makes “giving and giving” so much easier to do.
You’ve got more pebbles to share than you probably think.
Give one. Then another. And then another.
Then watch the “ripple effect” that it (ultimately) has.
Beautiful.
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Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images