A few years ago, there was a show that came on Lifetime that I actually really liked. It was called UnREAL and it was a take on what goes on behind the scenes of the franchise The Bachelor/Bachelorette (on ABC). Word on the street is that some former producers actually wrote for the show which meant that a lot of the storylines were based on real life situations. Anyway, because a lot of reality television is really anything but real, and oftentimes features a lot of folks who are altering — if not flat-out manipulating — storylines, it was interesting to see (in the third season) one of UnREAL's field producers and master manipulators, Rachel Goldberg, go through a course that she called Essential Honesty. Basically, via a book and some audio sessions, she was reprogramming her mind to not lie — to always tell the truth, no matter what the cost. Trust me, that was quite the mission for her. That character could lie like water.
When I sat down to write this piece, that was the first thing that came to mind. Mostly because, there are a lot of us who also manipulate, if not flat-out lie, oftentimes to ourselves, in the real world. And in order to get out of some of the delusions, distractions and lack of personal accountability cycles that we find ourselves in, it's important that we send ourselves through our own versions of essential honesty.
And just how can you know if you're someone who falls into this category? How can you know for certain that you are indeed honest with yourself most of all? If you've read the content that I've written for this site long enough, you know that I'm big on questions leading to genuine answers. Today, I've got five that could help you to get to the root of whether or not you're as honest with yourself as you should be. But first, why is all of this such a challenge for so many people?
Why Do Folks Struggle with Self-Honesty?
There's someone in my family who lies to themselves…a lot. So much, in fact, that I've had to remove them out of my life (check out "Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.") because when people aren't honest with themselves, it has the domino effect of them not being very honest with others either. And people who are dishonest? They are typically unpredictable. They play a lot of mind games. They don't know how to communicate without gaslighting, deflecting and passing the buck. In short, they are completely draining and exhausting.
How do folks get to that point and place? Chile, that is an article all on its own. Some people were raised by dishonest people and so they learn it from them. Some folks were so harshly disciplined as kids that they lie as a form of self-protection and they don't know how to break out of the pattern. Some people's self-esteem is so low that they've convinced themselves that if they lie to themselves, it will cause them to see themselves in a better light and project a "wholeness façade" to others. Some people lack total self-awareness and so they don't deal well with reality. The list goes on and on. What you can know for sure is someone who isn't honest with themselves can't really trust themselves either. And when you're in that kind of space, you're constantly at war within.
So, how can you know if you are truly honest with yourself? If you're someone who is — genuine; sincere; honorable (and consistent) when it comes to your personal principles and intentions; an individual who operates from a place of fairness; not pretentious; one who operates above board, and is true to yourself, no matter what and above all else? If you can nod your head up and down for all of this, you're in a pretty good space on the self-honesty tip.
However, if after reading that list, you're still somewhat unsure, here are five questions that will hopefully help to bring forth some clarity.
1. Can You Tell the Difference Between Opinions and Facts?
Something that is absolutely hilarious to me about social media is the fact that so many folks will spend all day getting triggered over other people's opinions. More times than not, it's because they have gotten so high-minded about their own opinion that they actually think what they think is a fact. So, when someone challenges what they say, they react as if what they believe is the gospel. Lawd. Egos are really something, ain't they?
When it comes to a telling sign of whether or not you're truly honest with yourself, one of the first things you should definitely think long and hard about is if you know the difference between an opinion and a fact. An opinion is a personal view or attitude. A fact is a piece of information that is a verifiable truth. And no, these are not one and the same.
People who think their opinions are the gospel are unstable in the sense that one, they are basically their thoughts (and sometimes their actions as well) solely on perspective or emotion and two, because of that, they can be all over the place because perspectives and feelings are subject to change, to the point of oftentimes being pretty fickle. The problem with that is if you don't recognize an opinion for what it is, you can tell yourself it is a fact — the truth or reality of something — when it's any and everything but…and that can make for some pretty poor decision-making.
So yeah, I would definitely say that one way to know that you are honest with yourself is if you're able to differentiate between your opinion and actual facts. For instance, the reason why you and your ex didn't work out? You are going to have your opinion and so is he. OK, but what are the actual facts? Feel me?
2. Can You Only Handle Praise, Never Criticism?
One thing about most honest people is they're considered to be decent human beings (I say "most" because some folks are honest about being jerks or assholes; let's be real). They strive to do what is fair and right. Words like "ethical", "law-abiding" and "above board" are synonyms for honesty and they know it and live it. And here's the thing — the reality is, if you want to be this kind of individual, you have to be always open to experiencing personal growth and evolution. This means that you can't always be told what you want to hear; instead, you've got to be willing to let people call you out on your ish. More importantly, you've got to be willing to be real with yourself when you know that you aren't operating from high vibration type of space.
You know, we're living in a world that seems to be creating more and more narcissists by the day. One thing about a narcissist is they have a super-inflated ego because they're all about receiving praise without being able to take much criticism. A part of the reason why is because they have lied to themselves for so long that they believe they've got very few, if any, flaws. Chile, we've all got flaws and areas to work on. Anyone who feels otherwise, they are definitely lying to themselves. So yeah, when it comes to personally evaluating if you are truly honest with yourself or not, it's also important to ask yourself if you are open to criticism (from people you trust and know have your back) as you are to praise. Because another thing about honest people is they are pretty practical and to think that you can only live in a world where folks are applauding you…it really doesn't get much more unrealistic (and semi-ridiculous) than that.
3. Do You Chalk Everything Up to “Shaming”? Or Could You Be PROJECTING?
This "shaming" word wears me out sometimes. It's like any time someone is told something that they don't like or want to hear, someone is shaming them. I'm gonna leave the name of the example that I'm about to use out; however, I was watching a relationship coach talk about how one celebrity who is constantly talking about body image has actually been a walking contradiction. Here's why —while they say that men who don't want to date them due to their body size are "fat shaming", they have actually said that they feel as if their fame and bank account has warranted them a man who isn't their size. In other words, they think men should date them no matter their weight while they only want men with six-packs. Lord.
Does fat shaming exist? Sure, it does. However, in this particular case, it sounds a heck of a lot more like emotional manipulation. So, you want to pressure someone into dating you by telling them that if they don't, they are shaming your body type while you claim to not want to date someone your size yourself and that's all due to personal preference? Who is really doing the shaming? And as the relationship coach said in the video that I watched — are you actually being shamed or are you projecting your own insecurities onto other people?
Chalk it up to being an occupational hazard of sorts yet I am a pretty word-literal individual and if there are two words that get abused in society, more than just a little bit, it's "phobia" (which means a literal fear of something or one) and "shaming" (which, in this context, means to disgrace). Not everyone who disagrees with someone is "phobic" and not everyone who is not attracted to someone is "shaming" them. Sometimes, due to people's own insecurities, they use these words to project how they feel about themselves onto others. Meaning, they try and make other people responsible for their own feeling; then they try and pressure others to overcompensate for where they don't feel very good about themselves. And that? That would be a form of projecting.
I know this particular point isn't discussed much. Oh, but it should be. If there is some area of your life where you feel not so great about yourself and so you try and make others make you feel good about you and then tell them that they are "shaming you" if they don't — that is a form of being dishonest with yourself. It's not someone else's job to overcompensate for where you feel inadequate. Believing otherwise? That would be a lie.
4. Do You Think Life Is About Being Happy All of the Time?
One of the biggest lies ever told in this society is that the goal of life should be to be happy all of the time. What in the world? To be happy is to be delighted in something or someone. To be happy means that something or someone is bringing you pleasure, contentment and/or joy. To be happy means that you feel fortunate and pleased. Listen, we live among fallible humans, not to mention that we are ones ourselves. So, how in the world, are we gonna be happy all of the time?
This is why, it's basically like fingernails on the chalkboard to me, whenever I'm in a session with a married couple who claims they want to end their marriage either because they are no longer happy in their relationship or worse, their spouse doesn't "make them happy" anymore. First of all, marriage is designed to mature you far more than it is supposed to keep you happy every second of the day. Second of all, it's no one's job to "make you happy". The key is to be delighted and content within yourself and then to find an individual who will complement that — and even then, it won't be all of the time because who is happy with themselves…all of the time?
That's why I'm far more interested in folks focusing on the word "healthy" (having good health, a vigorous mind, and being prosperous) over being happy. Because while doing what's healthy isn't always going to be pleasurable or pleasing, it will be what's best in the long run. People who are really honest with themselves accept this. People who are dishonest? Well, one of the things that they are constantly focusing on is finding people, places, things and cultivating ideas that will constantly keep them on a "happy high" — whether it's healthy for them or not. Hmph. Talk about living a lie.
5. Would You Rather Be Comfortable? Or Grow?
One more. Growing pains. We're all familiar with what they are, although, unfortunately, I think a lot of folks focus more on the "growing" rather than the "pain" part of the term. While it is totally human and quite understandable that you would want to do what you can to avoid feeling discomfort of any kind, people who are honest with themselves know that if they want to mature and progress in life, some things are going to be difficult, tedious, unpleasant, somewhat hurtful and shoot, downright hard. It's an unavoidable fact (remember, honest people deal in facts).
Meanwhile, folks who lie to themselves, they will find every way to avoid this reality or they will remain stagnant because they would prefer to be comfortable more than they would like to grow. As a direct result, they never really become the full totality of who they were meant to be all along. On the flip, those who are honest with themselves, they will be the first to admit that some things weren't easy and some seasons were damn near excruciating; however, since it caused them to become who they are, it was all worth it. They can honestly say so.
Those who are close to me know that lying is something that I loathe. That's why the Shakespeare quote at the top of this piece is such a favorite one of mine.
While being dishonest on any level ain't good, if there is anyone who you should be honest with, make sure it is yourself. Knowing the genuine version of you, then operating from that space, may not be easy. Oh, but it's worth it because you can trust who you are and why you are. That develops a level of self-trust that is unmatched. And when you trust yourself, you're on the path to so much more and better than when you're out here…lying. Worst of all — TO YOU.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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The End Of The Road? Zoë Kravitz And Channing Tatum Reportedly Split
Rumors are circulating that Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum's engagement has come to an end. Adding to the intrigue, two hours prior to the news of their split becoming public, Channing celebrated the exciting announcement that he and Zoë would reunite for an upcoming alien invasion movie entitled Alpha Gang.
Some folks are saying that October is now “uncuffing season” as partners won’t have to deal with the weight and expectations that come with this time of year. From matching Halloween costumes to voting to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems the new cuffing season has moved to January.
In August 2021, Zoë and Channing were first rumored to be romantically involved after being photographed riding together through the streets of New York City on a BMX bike. The following month, they were seen leaving the Met Gala together, and Tatum confirmed their relationship on Halloween by posting a picture of them wearing a couples costume from Martin Scorsese's iconic 1976 film Taxi Driver on Instagram.
Instagram/@channingtatum
After collaborating on Zoë's directorial debut, Blink Twice, where Channing played a starring role, their relationship blossomed into a full-out romance. Approximately a year later, the Step Up star popped the question.
Because the streets are always watching, PEOPLE reported that Channing joined Zoë in seeing a production of a play by Blink Twice costar Levon Hawke in New York City's Red Hook neighborhood on Oct. 6. Most recently, Kravitz has been seen in public without her engagement ring, notably during an outing with her Big Little Lies co-star Shailene Woodley.
So the news of the split kinda comes as a surprise as we were just oozing over the couple’s undeniable chemistry during their Blink Twice press run in August. Channing and Zoë openly discussed their relationship and collaborated on multiple videos that went viral.
Even proud papa Lenny Kravitz gave his approval. During an interview with BBC’s Radio 2, he said, "He was raised well. So, you know, he’s got manners. He’s charming. He’s a soulful human being. And so, he’s become part of the family quite quickly. He fits and they're in love. We’re going to have a wedding next year."
As we mourn this breakup, let’s run back some memorable moments from the possibly uncoupled pair.
"Art is our love language."
When asked about future collaborations with her boo during the premiere of Blink Twice on Aug. 23, Zoë shared, "I think it's what we love, and we love talking about it, and experiencing it, and supporting each other.” Channing chimed in saying, “This is what I'll say about creating with someone that you are with or love: I suggest it. If you are thinking about having a kid or if you're thinking about getting married, go find the hardest possible creative project with your partner.”
“I got you forever.”
Channing took to Instagram to share an adoring photo of him holding Zoë. He captioned the photo, “This little sweet. She So tired bro. Every time I wondered if she’d break…. She just kept going and going and going. Always on the dig for truth. She pour’d every single ounce of her into this film. I’m so proud to stand ten toes down for her, this film and everyone in it. forever. Knowing what it took to make it. No one will ever know.”
The last line took us out: “Thank you for finding me and seeing me. I got you forever. Me and you back to back against it all. I’ll never blink. Let’s go. #blinktwice”
GOAT Talk
On Complex’s GOAT Talk, a show where stars are prompted to reveal their favorites of all time, Channing and Zoë disclosed their go-to song for singing in the shower, their beloved ad-lib line from Blink Twice, and their stance on conspiracy theories and their favorite rapper. The moment Channing challenged Zoë’s answer that Catwoman is the best superhero of all time was just too cute.
“The Lie Detector determined…”
The cast of Blink Twice underwent Vanity Fair's well-known lie detector test, facing a barrage of probing questions. Among the inquiries were: Did Channing Tatum and Naomi Watts ever irritate Zoë Kravitz during the filming of Blink Twice? Did Naomi ever pilfer anything from the set? Did Channing's portrayal of Gambit in Deadpool & Wolverine surpass his personal expectations?
Best of all were the moments you saw Zoë and Channing look at each other adoringly and when they would finish each other sentences. “We are equally cool,” Zoë beamed.
Puppy Love
The pair hung out with BuzzFeed and a slew of adorable puppies while chatting about their favorite improvised moment on set, who has the best rizz — which is apparently Channing according to Zoë — and their first impressions of each other. Not only did they binge-watch Love Island together but they also boasted they would win Love Is Blind if they were on the show.
The Pressure
Zoë Kravitz recently sat down with Esquirefor an interview and got real about her thoughts on becoming a parent. She shared that she's always kinda thought motherhood might not be her thing. “For a long time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was waiting for this light to go off in my head, and it never did. When you’re younger, you’re like, ‘Well, I can’t have kids. I’m too young! It’d be crazy.’”
Her viewpoint on childbirth and parenthood has evolved as she has matured and witnessed the societal pressure placed on women to reproduce. While she recognizes the immense strength and courage required to carry and raise a child, Kravitz believes that women should not be made to feel obligated to do so.
Zoë continued, “For a lot of people that have children, it is this giant, life-changing event – and I do think there is a certain amount of focus and respect that they should get from their community. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have children, and there’s a feeling that if you don’t, you don’t have purpose here.” The director feels a special connection to her new movie akin to giving birth.
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Featured image by Dave Benett/WireImage