At this point, who doesn’t know what the five love languages are, right? I mean, they’re so popular that I’d also be shocked if most people weren’t also aware that a pastor and counselor (who recently turned 87, by the way) by the name of Dr. Gary Chapman is who came up with the concept. And honestly, that’s why I’m also not surprised that, even though millions upon millions of copies of his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts have been sold (and applied), as of late, there have been naysayers writing articles stating that his theories are not scientifically substantiated.
Uh-uh, if you read a lot of those pieces deeper (like this one here), they claim that there hasn’t been enough data collected to know if quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and/or gifts are truly the ways that we prefer to feel loved by others the most. Hmph. Sounds like a bunch of haters who are pissed that they didn’t come up with the concept first, so I’ll skip over the skepticism and continue to apply them to some of my pieces, thank you very much.
In fact, one of my favorite things about love languages is I think they can — and should — be applied in a myriad of different ways. That’s why, over the years, I’ve penned pieces for the platform like “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?,” “This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships” — and today, it’s all about how to use the five love languages as it relates to one of the greatest things about you: your vagina (and the outer part of it which is your vulva).
Although it might sound a bit weird to think about love languages in this way at first, I think that after you read this all the way through, you’ll get the importance of showing your uniquely-yours-treasure-trove extreme love, in all five ways, just as much and often as you possibly can.
Quality Time
Unsplash
Some of y’all might feel some type of way about what I’m about to say but I’m going to say it anyway. Am I the only one who notices how much social media rants about body counts not mattering and yet, at the same time, whenever it’s time to do some spiritual soul-seeking or “getting back to me,” one of the first things that comes up is going through a season of abstinence? Let me tell you something, when I started my own abstinence journey a billion years ago, at first, I just saw it as a break from the physical aspect of sex. Oh, but as I started to do more research on what science says about copulation (like TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring”), it helped me to become even firmer in my stance that I’m not a fan of casual sex — shoot, now more than ever.
Anyway, as far as quality time with one’s vagina goes, honestly, the first thing that comes to my mind is being abstinent for a season (check out “What Actually Happens To Your Vagina During Seasons Of Abstinence?”). Why? Because when you take time out to not allow anyone into that very sacred space, it can help you to learn about what your vagina wants and needs…beyond sexual pleasure. And honestly, it can help you to tap into your sensual nature on another level too (check out “10 Women Tell Me How Abstinence Actually Made Them...Sexier”).
As far as how long the season should last, that is totally up to you. All I’m saying is that it’s something worth considering. I know a lot of women (and men) who have done it. Not one of them has regretted it.
Another way to look at showing quality time to your vagina is taking a “vagina vacation” because think about it — what happens on vacations? Rest, relaxation, pampering, right? So, why not treat your vagina to one of these? It might seem crazy to wrap your mind around yet there are spas and resorts that are specifically designed to focus on kegel and pelvic floor exercises, treatments that you can give to your vulva, and holistic approaches that you can take to increase your natural lubrication, decrease your chances of having a vaginal infection and improve the overall quality of vaginal intercourse.
My recommendation? Think about the treatments that you want to give your vagina, then select a spa in another city. You can spend the day giving “her” some TLC and then the rest of the time chilling out.
Physical Touch
Unsplash
If the first thing that came to your mind with this one is masturbation — although I can see why, it doesn’t have to be. There are definitely other ways that you can express “self-love” to your genital region than (just) that. For instance, there is vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”) which is all about giving your vulva and vagina a therapeutic massage for the purpose of providing them both with a level of compassion when it comes to checking out areas where there might be pain, numbness or even areas of discomfort.
While this can obviously be physically beneficial, there are some psychological reasons why this is a wise practice too; for instance, sometimes this type of touch can remind you of some suppressed trauma you might’ve experienced or anxiety that you may have. If that is the case, you may want to discuss it with your doctor and/or a reputable sex therapist.
Another thing that you may want to consider is performing a vaginal self-exam (see “Why You Should Give Yourself A ‘Vaginal Self-Exam’”). This is basically a breast self-exam, just for your vulva and vagina, so that you can see if there are any (physical) abnormalities that you might’ve missed while bathing. Another way to love on “her,” physically, is to simply do a vaginal massage which is also called a yoni massage. Although it’s somewhat similar to vaginal mapping, its main purpose is to simply help you to feel more comfortable with yourself in that space.
Personally, I do vaginal massages in the sense of using a combination of warmed-up grapeseed oil and lavender oil to increase blood circulation to my pubic mound and vaginal lips as well as soften my pubic hair. Anyway, you can read more about vaginal/yoni massages here.
Words of Affirmation
Unsplash
A couple of years ago, I penned a piece for the platform entitled, “Vaginas Are Like Plants. Here's What I Mean By That.” One of the things that I mentioned in it is the importance of — wait for it — talking to your va-jay-jay. If you think that it’s just something that I made up in my head, check out HuffPost’s (UK) article, “Speaking To Your Vagina Can Help It Thrive, Says Gynaecologist.”
The long short of it is there is a part of our brain known as the reticular activating system (RAS); it’s what helps to regulate our sleep, attention, and arousal cycles and patterns. It is also thought to be a part of how our subconscious mind operates. Anyway, the theory is that if you speak positively to and about your vagina, that will cause you to 1) act lovingly towards it and 2) want to provide it with the things that it needs.
If you add to this the fact that research also says that things like stress and not feeling good about yourself can lead to things like vaginal dryness, a lowered libido, and recurring yeast infections, speaking good things about your vagina could only work to your benefit…don’t cha think?
Acts of Service
Unsplash
To me, acts of service simply means vaginal maintenance — getting waxes (if that’s your thing); taking a daily probiotic; doing kegels; buying new cotton panties every 6-9 months; using white (and unscented) toilet paper (other kinds can irritate your vagina); using water or only vaginal washes that are made specifically for your vulva and vagina (I like Boric Fresh PH Balancing Daily Feminine Wash and Pangaea Wash™: 100% Natural Foaming Feminine Wash and you can also check out “Love On Yourself With These 7 All-Natural DIY Vaginal Washes”); using condoms; keeping your labia moisturized with some coconut, avocado or olive oil (which contain properties to protect vulvar skin); NOT using scented products (if your vagina or vulva has a consistent odor, see your doctor), and sleeping naked (so that “she” can breathe).
Yeah, even though my own primary love languages aren’t acts of service, I’ve always liked this one because it commands respect: “Don’t just say that you love me; DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” Salute. LOL.
Gifts
Unsplash
Something that I like a lot about DIY gift baskets is you can customize them in super detailed ways — this includes when it comes to your vagina and vulva. For instance, if you wanted to show “her” some extra love via gift-giving, you could create a yoni basket that is filled with things like — yoni bath bombs, some vulva balm and you should also check out “Your Vagina's Holiday Wishlist Includes Pelvic Floor Massagers, Tanga Panties, & More” for more inspiration.
Also, I actually treated myself to a tumbler that says “Make Better Coochie Decisions” (by Goddess Intentions) on it, simply because I thought the message was hella cute. At the end of the day, a gift is a token of appreciation. Your vagina deserves to feel appreciated by you…on the regular.
___
It can’t be said enough that the more that I learn about the vagina (and vulva), the more intentional I am about giving it extra special praise, care and attention. This list is just a reminder to consider doing the same.
Show “her” love and watch how she responds in return. Yes, literally, sis.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FabrikaCr/Getty Images
RELATED
