On April 7th 2016, a barefoot Dej Loaf entered the Ventanas rooftop in Atlanta in style.
Her custom gold Nicci Hou dress gently hugged her curves, the train brushing across the yellow rose petals tossed casually on the floor from the bowls of her female escorts, while celebrities, guests and press snapped photos of the Detroit rapper in celebration of her grand entrance into the quarter-life. The Coming to America themed party hit the blogs that following Monday just as event planner Summer Bledsoe Totten, who created the dessert table for VIP guests, breathed a sigh of relief for the completion of yet another successful extravaganza.
“I get people who call now like 'oh you did Dej Loaf's party? Can you do my party?'" says Totten. “It opened a whole other door."
For the Atlanta native, party planning isn't a hobby, it's the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. One that she had pushed aside after graduating from Morgan State and jumping the broom at the age of 22. As she puts it, life took over, priorities shifted to marriage and motherhood, and the little girl who once envisioned herself planning other people's weddings became a woman working a nine-to-five for the government.
That is, until her youngest daughter turned three. While many mom's lament at the idea of having to put together a noteworthy gathering for their little one, Totten saw it as an opportunity to tap back into her creative aspirations. “Once I had my daughter I realized, hey, I had dreams. I had stuff that I wanted to do. So I was like let me plan a party for her."
But she didn't just want the typical Chuck-E-Cheese gathering; she wanted something special that catered to the likes of her little princess. Realizing that there was a lack of options for girls, she decided to take matters into her own hands and create a one-of-a-kind event that both friends and family would never forget.
Kids dessert table at Tammy Rivera's swimsuit launch.
Its Your Party ATL set up for a kids fashion show
After sharing her goals with her boss, she was provided with a copy of The Go-Giver, a story centered on a character striving for success. Totten began to revisit her own purpose in life. “After reading the book, literally it clicked. I was talking to [ my boss] and she was like, if it's your passion and it brings you joy, you should try to do it."
But there were a few problems. Well, perceived problems that turned out to be excuses in disguise. “My reason was life was in the way. I have a responsibility by my kids. I have a husband. I have a job. We've got insurance. We've got a house. We've got a mortgage. And so I was basically like no, I can't do this."
With encouragement from her husband, family, and a circle of equally driven and women entrepreneurial friends, Totten could no longer defend her reasoning for not going after the one thing that both scared and fueled her. She started taking weekend classes—eight hour long sessions on everything from baking to decorating—and spent nights perfecting her planning skills in preparation for launching her own business. In 2012, It's Your Party became official. “I felt like I had no choice but to go out and pursue my dreams. I'm like why not? What's holding me back? I can't say it's my husband. I can't say that I don't have the support. So why do I think that I can't be a professional at it? I've literally just looked at it like I don't have a choice. This is what I want to do and I have no reason not to. Why should I settle and not do what I really, really love to do?"
Totten started with kid parties and baby showers for clients in the surrounding communities, making sure to tag her Instagram photos for those scouring hash tags for events in the Atlanta area. It didn't go unnoticed. “I was doing an event for a rapper named Young Scooter, and the lady who was doing balloons there was like, 'oh I follow you on Instagram and I love your work!' And then she ended up calling me one day and was like Tiny is having a charity event that she does every year for kids for Christmas. Do you want to contribute at all?"
There was a catch—she wasn't getting paid for her services. But what she sacrificed monetarily she gained in connections. “I literally look at it as marketing, and if you can't afford marketing then you can't afford to do business. Because marketing is a huge part of business."
Dessert table at T.I. and Tiny's baby shower
After successfully lending her talents for the event, she received a request to create the dessert table for rapper T.I. and his wife Tiny's baby shower, and soon began partnering with her fellow event planners on a number of events catering to celebs and their children in addition to maintaining her own steady stream of clientele. Totten believes that it's her uniqueness and knack for personalization that takes her ideas to the next level. “I'm putting your child's pictures on the label and things that can make a party unique for that person and making it a memorable event."
The average client comes to It's Your Party armed with just a theme or a color scheme, and it's up to Totten to bring the vision to life through customized invites (that she prefers to do herself), décor, and edible creations. “Once I create the invitations, my head is already at the event. I'm already visualizing your linen, your labels, etc. I already have it drawn out and know exactly how it's going to look. So basically it starts with the invitation."
If she's working in tandem with other party planners, she still prefers to have a certain level of control over the event. “If you're using an outside person, I need that person's information because I want to coordinate with them. It's a stress-free process for you. I do a lot of treatments with the visuals so that way I don't have to worry about everything not matching and not coordinating. Everything has to coordinate and match, and if I have total control, then it's going to be successful."
Summer and her husband.
Being a boss, a wife of 13 years and a mom (she recently had her fourth child in January) while still working part-time at her government job, is no easy feat, but having the support of her husband, especially, helps her to stay committed to the end goal. "I'll call him like babe I need you to look up who this person is because they're calling me about the party and he'll come back to me in like five minutes and give me the whole history on them. He's just like you need to go for it. If he sees me renting stuff too often he'll be like, do you need to buy it? I don't want you paying rent now. Without support I would've been like man forget this."
Totten admits that there are times that she feels guilty about missing football games and cheerleading practices. It helps knowing that she has a strong support system in her family and friends, and makes sure to bring her kids along when situations permit. “If I'm just going to be at a party for a couple of hours, I'll bring them along so they see oh this is my mom's party. That helps me feel that they know why I can't do certain things."
The sacrifice does come with rewards, though. In this case, it's knowing that she's no longer dying in the confinements of comfort and instead is living her dream.
“To know your purpose and actually have the willingness to pursue being yourself, having freedom and feeling comfortable enough to be yourself, to me is an ultimate goal to me for any woman."
While many women struggle to find the answer of how to have a marriage, kids and a fulfilling career, Totten is proving that it's possible to both be your own boss and come home to a loving family. It's all about being unafraid to pursue everything that you want, and not making excuses as to why you don't deserve to have it all.
To find out more about Summer's event planning business, visit Its Your Party ATL on Instagram.
RELATED
But Shellie, I don’t like them. Sex feels better without them. In an unbelievably ideal world where everyone waited until marriage and then remained with their spouse until death, you could be out here raw-ing it. With that not being even close to the case, though, it’s time to stop trying to skirt around using condoms and, instead, it’s time to figure out which ones can give you maximum pleasure.
Believe it or not, I’ve got a few tips, in the rubber shopping department, that just might help you out.
First Up, Most Women Can Tell When a Condom Is On
GiphyMy guy friends and I tend to have the most random conversations, boy. Take the time when two of them were trying to debate me down about whether or not women can tell if a condom is on. Their vote is that we can’t. Mine was that we absolutely can. And I mean, shouldn’t the one with the vagina (me) have a say, fellas? LOL. Hey, they don’t have to take my word for it because science also states that based on the material that the condom is made out of and how well it fits on a woman’s partner (more on that in a sec), they definitely help her to know if a guy is wearing one or not.
Not only that but data also backs up that a condom can also diminish the sensation that women feel during sex to a certain extent — not to mention that, sometimes, rubbers can affect natural vaginal wetness too.
With condoms having a 98 percent success rate at preventing STI/STDs and unwanted pregnancies (when used correctly, that is), by no means am I even coming close to implying that you shouldn’t use them (especially if you’re not in an exclusive or monogamous relationship [check out “Why I Use The Word 'Monogamous' In Marriage And 'Exclusive' In Dating”] and you and your partner don’t get tested annually).
All I’m saying is if you want to get the most out of your condom use experiences, you shouldn’t just assume that whatever condom the guy has on tap is what will work well for you — and figuring out what will bring you the most (pun intended) pleasure means that you should consider the following points.
Make Sure the Condom Fits Your Partner Well
GiphyWith the average size of a man’s penis being a little over 5” when it’s erect (relax, vaginas are around 4” unless stretched), it really is time to let all of the Magnum dreams go. And what I mean, specifically, by that is, guys bringing those just to fit into some stereotype of “packing” is doing no one any good because if it’s too big for him, it will result in slippage and if it’s too big for you, it could make sex a bit uncomfortable.
And what if it’s too small? Well, that could be semi-painful for him which could cause his performance to struggle. Bottom line here: condoms should have a snug fit and cover the entire penis.
And if you want to purchase some for your own collection — well, if y’all are close enough for him to be inside of you, you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable talking to him about which kind/brand of condoms you should have on tow at your house. By the way, for tips on how to choose the right condoms, check out verywellhealth’s “Condom Size Chart: Finding the Brand and Style That Fits Best.”
Opt for Condoms That Are Free of the Following Things
GiphyWhile reading an article on what many doctors consider to be the best condoms, what stood out most to me was a female doctor who said that women must keep in mind that whatever goes into their vagina, also gets absorbed. This includes ingredients that condoms may be made out of including parabens, fragrances, GMOs (genetically modified organisms), synthetic dyes and flavors, and glycerin (for starters).
And gee, when you’ve got that stuff, not only inside of you, but moving around at a semi-rapid pace (at least some of the time), there’s a pretty good chance that your vagina isn’t gonna be very happy about it.
The remedy? Consider investing in some organic/vegan condoms — ones that are free of all-a-dat. Loveability makes some (here). Smile Makers make some (here). HANX makes some (here). And that’s just a few options to choose from. This point is a very valid one to keep in mind because, sometimes, it’s not the condom that’s pissing us off — it’s what it’s made out of that’s the actual issue.
Pre-Lubricated Condoms Can Improve Your Partner’s Stroke
GiphyIf you’ve never tried pre-lubricated condoms before, you definitely should because they can have your back, on the sexual pleasure tip, on a few different levels. For one thing, these types of condoms can definitely decrease the chances of a rubber breaking which can give you the peace of mind that you seek during the act. Also, condoms that have lube in them can make it easier for your partner to put it on, can make it more comfortable when it’s time for his penis to go inside of you and can reduce the amount of friction that you feel (especially if you’re not naturally wet enough) while you’re having sex.
While we’re on this topic — I don’t know why (so many) people think that they can’t get an STI/STD from oral sex because they absolutely can. So, if you are going to use a condom during fellatio (or a dental dam during cunnilingus), adding some flavored lube to an already flavored condom (like perhaps this brand here or this brand here) can make the experience much more…satisfying.
Polyisoprene or Polyurethane Condoms MAY Reduce Yeast Infections
GiphyOkay, this point is a bit tricky because, technically, condoms can’t give you a yeast infection; in fact, since they prevent sperm and semen from entering into your vagina which can potentially throw off your pH balance, rubbers usually play a role in preventing them.
Still, I wanted to include this due to what I said earlier about all of the “extras” that can sometimes go into making a condom — because those things? They might irritate your vagina which could ultimately lead to a yeast infection. Plus, if on the off chance, you’ve got a latex allergy, condoms that are made from that material could give you a yeast infection too.
The solution to both? Consider going with alternatives like polyisoprene or polyurethane. Although polyisoprene is more expensive than latex condoms, they are super comfortable and latex-free (although you can use them the same way that you would a latex condom, including when it comes to oral and anal sex).
Meanwhile, polyurethane deserves a shout-out because it’s actually stronger than latex and it can even handle oil-based lubricants (which is something that latex is not able to do). Polyurethane is also thinner than latex and polyisoprene which means that sex can end up feeling more intense for you with those.
Textured Condoms Are Bomb If Orgasms Are Your Goal
GiphyUh-huh. I keep trying to tell y’all that if you want your partner to be sensitive about and thoughtful towards how your vulva appears (check out “Did You Know That There Are 10 Different Kinds Of Vaginas? Yep.”), the jokes about uncircumcised men really need to cease; especially since word on the street is the extra skin can actually make sex more intense for them while giving women more orgasms in the process.
And that actually helps to make sense of why textured condoms can cause women to cum more often and consistently as well. Thanks to the tiny ribs and dots on textured rubbers,they have the ability to stimulate the nerves that are inside of your vagina far more and easier than “regular” condoms do. Oh, and if you add someCBD lube to them? LOOK. OUT.
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I’ll be real with y’all — when it comes to condoms, I think it’s always important that their purpose is protection over pleasure as far as how they are made. Still, with all of the advances in them out here — and now that you have this info as far as what your vagina would prefer — rubbers don’t have to feel like a downer. The right one can have you and your vagina climbing walls — plus, you can have the peace of mind that your health and family planning preferences aren’t being compromised in the process.
Music to your vagina’s ears. 90s R&B, to be exact…I bet. LOL.
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