It truly can’t be said enough that quotes are totally my thing, and when it comes to the topic of today’s conversation, I think that one by author Roy T. Bennett fits in quite nicely: “Attitude is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Optimism is a choice. Kindness is a choice. Giving is a choice. Respect is a choice. Whatever choice you make makes you. Choose wisely.”
The (main) reason why I like it so much is because (spoiler alert) pebbling is actually an act of giving (more on that to come) and when you give with a genuine motive, how can that not improve your attitude, make you happier, boost your positivity, help you to be kinder, make you want to give more and also see yourself and others from a place of elevated honor and respect? Something as simple as giving to other people can do all of that. Amazing.
And the really wonderful thing about pebbling is it doesn’t require that you do much sacrificial giving at all — it’s simply about giving from your heart. Okay, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself. If you want to learn more about what pebbling is and how it can ultimately benefit, pretty much any relationship that you currently have, I’ll explain further below.
What Is the Origin Story of “Pebbling”?
GiphyAre you ready to feel old? How absolutely wild is it that the documentary (that actor Morgan Freeman narrated)The March of the Penguinsis 20 this year?! One of my favorite things about it is how well the penguin fathers were at taking care of their young. And what does that have to do with pebbling? Well, pebbling is something that we actually have learned from — yep, you guessed it — penguins.
Apparently, whenever a penguin (specifically a Gentoo one) wants to show a romantic gesture towards its partner (or the one who they want to partner with), something that it will do is pick up a pebble and either bring it to them directly or place it where they have decided to build a nest. Pebble nests are ideal because they protect against the bitter cold while also keeping newborn baby penguins safe. Pebbles: a small thing that makes a huge impression. And that is pebbling in a nutshell.
Why Pebbling Is Beneficial in Every Kind of Relationship
GiphyAnd just how does this translate to us humans? Well, the term “pebbling,” for us, is basically about doing small gestures for the people in your own life as a way of expressing how much you care for them. For teenagers, it oftentimes comes in the form of sending their friends a GIF, TikTok video, or meme for the other person to laugh at, relate to, or know that they are being thought of. For adults, it can be something like sending a “you crossed my mind” text, seeing a cute mug on Etsy and sending it to a friend, or having your partner’s favorite dessert waiting on them when they get home. Basically, it’s also small deeds that, because they are so thoughtful, can make a pretty big impact on the lives of the people in your world.
And just why is pebbling so relationally effective? Just think about it. When it comes to grand efforts, those are oftentimes somewhat expected, because we tend to reserve those for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. And although they are certainly appreciated, they’re not exactly a surprise. Oh, but when someone does something for you, no matter how small, that is totally out of the blue, it conveys that you are on their mind. And don’t let it be something that you really like, boy.
Example? One of my favorite memories of my late fiancé (who will have been gone 30 damn years this fall…amazing) happened back in 1995. He was from the south side of Chicago and, at the time, Nashville didn’t have a MAC counter. I knew about MAC, though, because my mom would sometimes buy me things from there whenever she would travel to New York for business. Anyway, I was super fond of their chestnut lipliner at the time and so, when Damien randomly asked me if there was something that I would like when he went home to visit at the beginning of that semester and I mentioned the lipliner — it tripped me right on out when he brought me exactly that…many weeks later.
Was the lipliner bomb? Yep. However, it was the pebbling that provided the true “ripple effect,” because 1) he retained what I said and 2) it proved that he had me on his mind while he was gone. And that is an example of how pebbling can benefit relationships because who doesn’t want to be thought of? Who doesn’t want someone else to show, tangibly, that they heard and are special? Who doesn’t like little surprises along life’s way?
That’s how pebbling can benefit the person who is on the receiving end. And just what does it do for the giver? Well, kind of like how skipping rocks/pebbles tend to have a ripple effect, so does pebbling. I’ll expound.
How Pebbling Blesses You, the Giver, in the Process
GiphyEven if you’re not an avid Bible reader, I’m pretty sure that you’ve heard it’s more blessed to give than it is to receive — and yes, that does come directly from a verse in Scripture (Acts 20:35, to be exact). Okay, but aside from how spiritually refreshing it is to give to others, did you know that it comes with proven health benefits too?
Giving helps to lower your risks of depression; decreases your blood pressure; improves your self-esteem; puts you into a better mood; can give you a stronger immunity, and even increases your longevity (which ties into another Scripture which says, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” — Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV).
Beyond that, something else that I think is beautiful about giving is it has a way of planting “seeds” into someone else’s life. Based on what you decide to give, can help them to achieve a goal, give them a more positive mindset, or keep them encouraged if they are tempted to lose hope. It can also “amplify” their personality. What I mean by that is…a friend of mine? She has a metaphorical fist-pumping hard into the air (if you know, you know) at least 10 months out of every year. LOL.
Just recently, I purchased her a sweatshirt that features one of my favorite quotes by the late and great civil rights activist John Lewis. It roughly cost me forty bucks (including shipping). Oh, but as much as my friend likes sweatshirts and makes IG posts, it will plant all sorts of seeds into her platform and life. On the flip side, she knows that I like fresh flowers a lot and there are times when a boxed bouquet will pop out of nowhere. It makes me feel loved. Again, seeds planted.
Yeah, when you know that what you are doing for someone will, at the very least, make them feel seen, how could that not automatically bring happiness into your own life? Even if it is…a “pebble” kind of token.
“Pebbles” Take the Pressure Off
GiphyPerhaps the best thing of all about the act of pebbling is no one has to go broke in order to do it. Handwriting a note of love to your partner, encouragement to your child, or support to a friend counts as pebbling. Writing a letter for someone to open “just in case” (just in case they are having a rough day or just in case they aren’t feeling well) counts as pebbling.
Creating a quick video on your phone with a joke or a great story about your relationship with someone and sending it their way counts as pebbling. Printing off some inspirational quotes on colorful paper, putting them into a mason jar, and gifting it/them counts as pebbling. Scheduling a virtual coffee date with a long-distance friend counts as pebbling. Curating a playlist for someone counts as pebbling.
DIY’ing some coupons counts as pebbling. Putting together a photo collage from pics on your phone with a special someone and texting or emailing it over to them counts as pebbling. Running an errand for your bae that you know they hate doing counts as pebbling. Shouting out someone on social media for all of the reasons why you adore them counts as pebbling.
And do you know what all of these things have in common? They don’t cost a dime. While yes, getting someone their favorite scented candle or knitting someone a scarf also counts as pebbling, I just want to make sure that it’s also on record that the brilliant thing about being a pebble-person is you don’t need coins to be one. You just need to be thoughtful, you just need to set aside a little bit of time, and then you need to execute. That’s it.
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The mission (should you choose to accept it): Think of 3-5 people this week who you can “pebble.” Determine to do something different for each individual (something that fits their uniqueness) and try your best to have it cost as little as possible. That way, you can get into the habit of giving without feeling like it has to cost you something. As a “pebble-r” myself, I can vouch for the fact that, before you know it, you’ll be pebbling all over the place…while inspiring others to do the same.
A woman by the name of Rashida Rowe once said, “Relationships are about 'give and give,' not give and take.” In other words, relationships — healthy ones, anyway — are all about reciprocity. When folks learn that giving doesn’t always have to be extravagant, that pebbling is another way to go, it makes “giving and giving” so much easier to do.
You’ve got more pebbles to share than you probably think.
Give one. Then another. And then another.
Then watch the “ripple effect” that it (ultimately) has.
Beautiful.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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And what that could mean is there is something going on physically instead of mentally or emotionally. For example, it could be an indication that one or more of your sex hormones are a bit “off” and you need to get them back where they need to be.
That’s the purpose and goal of today’s offering. We’re going to explore how five hormones in your system play a direct role in you having a satisfying sex life, then we’re going to touch on some signs that yours may be low and what you can do about them, at home (although if these don’t work, please see your doctor), if that is indeed the case.
Ready to physically feel like having (more) sex? Awesome.
1. Estrogen
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Although estrogen is found in both men and women, there is a lot more of it in women. And since drops in estrogen can lead to things like a lower sex drive as well as experiencing challenges when it comes to having orgasms, it’s important to do as much as you can to keep your estrogen levels where they need to be at all times.
So, what aresome key indications that your estrogen levels are low? If you have super dry skin; your vagina is dry; you’re storing up more belly fat; your periods are irregular; you’re tired a lot; your sleep patterns are erratic, and/or your libido is low.
And what can you do to get your estrogen levels back on track?
Eat foods that are considered to be phytoestrogens. Phytoestrogens are considered to be plant-based sources of estrogen that could help to get your levels up. Those foods include flaxseeds, peaches, berries, sesame seeds, and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and collards).
Take Vitamin B-Complex. The reason why it’s important to have vitamin B consistently in your system is because it plays a significant role in how your body creates estrogen. So, if you’re not currently taking a B-complex vitamin, this is as good of a time as any.
Look into Black Cohosh. If you’re someone who likes to take supplements, do some research on black cohosh. It has a pretty good reputation when it comes to elevating estrogen levels.
Drink some black tea. Are you a tea lover? If so, it can’t hurt to sip on some black tea. Although research is still ongoing, there are findings that state that some of the properties in black tea will help to elevate estrogen levels.
Live in moderation. Now this might be your “something new” for the day. Were you aware of the fact that estrogen levels actually increase in body fat? In fact,being underweightis what can decrease your estrogen. While we’re here, exercising too much can jack up your estrogen levels as well. Moral to the story with this one: stay at a healthy weight and don’t overdo it on the workout tip. When it comes to keeping your estrogen levels where they need to be, balance is key.
2. Testosterone
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Testosterone is a hormone that stimulates sexual desire in both menand women, although there is significantly more of it in men.The reason why women need it in their system is not only does it increase their libido, but it also helps to give them energy, to stay in a good mood, and it can also help to make conceiving easier.
How can you know that your testosterone levels could use a boost? If you have an irregular cycle, you’re having trouble conceiving a child; you’re low on energy; your hair is thinning; you’re losing muscle tone; you have trouble sleeping, and/or you have no real interest in sex.
If you happen to notice any of these signs, what can you do to get your testosterone levels up?
Exercise. One way to increase your testosterone levels is to exercise; however, as a woman, the key is to do things like resistance training and High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). Both of those have the reputation for raising testosterone levels; in women, especially.
Consume more zinc. Although it’s been said for years that zinc deficiencies are directly tied to erectile dysfunction in men, there are also studies that say that many women who are postmenopausal are also low in zinc. In both cases, zinc is needed because it helps to keep hormones in balance. So, if you sense that you may be low in testosterone, perhaps take a zinc supplement or eat foods that are high in zinc, like beef, lamb, pumpkin seeds, whole grains, and eggs.
Drink less alcohol. Even though alcohol can make you feel horny for a moment, the reality is if you drink too much of it, it can actually cause your testosterone levels to tank. Bottom line with this one, pace yourself with your cocktails — especially if you already know that your testosterone levels aren’t where they should be.
Go outside. Did you know that there is a correlation between vitamin D deficiencies and pregnancy issues like preeclampsia and a baby’s low birth weight? There are also studies that indicate that when a woman is receiving a daily dose of vitamin D, her testosterone levels tend to remain strong. That said, one way to get vitamin D into your system is to take a supplement or to eat foods that are rich in them. Another is to consume foods that contain vitamin D, like salmon, tuna, and mushrooms. Still another is to spend more time outside. Definitely one of the best ways to get some “D” into you is to be in the presence of the sun. In fact, as an extra bonus, the ultraviolet radiation that comes from the sun can boost the libido of both men and women. The more you know.
Watch your stress. Two things that aren’t the best of friends are testosterone and cortisol (the hormone that creates your natural stress response). This is so much the case that when your cortisol levels are high, that can hinder your system from producing all of the testosterone that it needs. So, you know what that means, right? CHILL. OUT.
3. Progesterone
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Progesterone is what helps to keep your libido regulated. Since it also plays a pivotal role in a woman’s menstrual cycle and how her hormones respond throughout the month, women who are in the latter stages of perimenopause or who are postmenopausal should also keep their progesterone levels up in order to maintain a consistent sex life.
Signs that you need more progesterone? Trouble sleeping. Irregular cycles. Bloating. Erratic moods. Headaches.
Things that can help bring some relief to these issues?
Meditate. From what I’veread and (briefly) researched, cortisol has the ability to block your progesterone receptors, which means that it can decrease them if you are too stressed out. And that is why one way that you can boost your progesterone levels is to meditate.Since meditation can reduce anxiety, lower stress, and help you to sleep better, I’m sure you get how it can work to get your progesterone levels where they need to be.
Take Vitamin C. If you are low in vitamin C, it could impact your progesterone levels in a negative way. That’s becausevitamin C is a nutrient that actually stimulates the production of progesterone. So, if you want to get more of it into your system, take a vitamin C supplement, drink some orange juice, and/or eatvitamin C-enriched foods like cantaloupe, parsley, strawberries, papaya, and chili peppers.
Implement chasteberry tea. An herbal tea that I personally think every woman should have in her possession ischasteberry tea. Not only does it do things like reduce inflammation, bring relief to PMS symptoms, and help to improve infertility, it also helps to balance out your hormones and, yes, increase progesterone levels.
Hang out with friends. When it comes to raising progesterone levels, something that I found to be fascinating is that there are studies that say that when women hang out with each other, that can give their progesterone levels a boost. The methodology is that it reduces stress and anxiety and makes people feel more comfortable, to the point where it helps to balance out that particular hormone. Pretty cool, right?
Get on a sleep schedule. Not getting a consistent amount (preferably 6-8 hours) of rest can definitelythrow your hormones off, including your progesterone levels. That’s a big part of the reason why I once wrote “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Check it out when you get a chance.
4. Oxytocin
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Oxytocin has the reputation for being called the “love hormone.” That’s because it’s a hormone (and neuropeptide, which is a protein-like molecule) that “activates” during physical activities like kissing, cuddling, andsex.
And what are some telling signs that you are low on this particular hormone?You may feel a bit depressed;you may feel more anxious; you may notice that you don’t want to communicate and/or be affectionate with others; you may have less of an interest in sex, and/or it may be harder for you to orgasm.
Are there also things that you can do to increase your oxytocin levels on your own? Yep.
Get into some music. If you’re not in the mood for sex but you want to be, treat yourself to a long shower — and then sing in it. Believe it or not, some studies say thatsinging for 30 minutes can increase your oxytocin because it helps you to feel connected and relaxed (so can listening to music).
Hug someone. There is data all over the place that says that oxytocin is stimulated through the power of touch. That’s a part of the reason why it’s known as the “cuddle hormone.” So, just like you can get an oxytocin boost by kissing or cuddling with your partner, hugging a friend can also take your oxytocin levels up a few notches as well.
Get a massage. Sooo…when’s the last time you got a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? Take this as a sign that today would be a great day to book an appointment. As far as your oxytocin levels go, it’s another way that touch can come into effect while reducing stress and inflammation. And don’t get me started on where your oxytocin levels will go if your partner starts rubbing on some of your pressure points. Feel me?
Spend quality time with your bae. Speaking of partners, there are studies that also say that oxytocin levels are high when new relationships start. A part of the reason why is that there is so much intentional quality time that’s being spent, which is also good for your oxytocin levels. So, if it’s been a minute since the two of you have been on a date, plan one. Check out “10 Cheap Date Ideas For Couples On A Budget,” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)” and “Dinner & A Movie Is So…“Meh.” Here Are Some Creative Takes On V-Day Dates.” for some inspiration.
Have sex. As far as physical intimacy goes, it doesn’t get any closer than sex — and here’s the thing: the more orgasms you have, the more oxytocin your body is able to produce. So, if you want more oxytocin and you’re not having (more) sex (and orgasms), that’s actually working against you… especially as far as this particular hormone goes.
5. Dopamine
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Dopamine is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that plays a role in sexual desire and pleasure.For men, it can help them to achieve and maintain an erection;for women, it can help them to orgasm (more easily).
Some indications that you may need more dopamine in your system are if you find yourself lacking drive and motivation, you struggle with concentrating, you’re moody, sleep is a struggle for you, and/or you don’t find things that you used to enjoy being very fun (including sex).
Luckily, there are things that you can even do to level out your dopamine:
Consume more protein. There is an amino acid called tyrosine that helps your body to process dopamine. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure that protein is a part of your diet. Although you can get it from meat, there are other foods that are packed with protein as well. “Vegetarian Or Vegan? Check Out These High Protein Foods.” has a few ideas for you to consider.
Eat less saturated fat. Speaking of your diet, it’s also wise to eat less saturated fat. That’s because there are studies that say that too much of that kind of fat in your system can mess with how your brain processes dopamine. For the record, saturated fats include dairy, fried foods, and coconut oil.
Maintain a healthy gut. It has been stated that more than 50 percent of the dopamine that’s in your body is synthesized in your gut. This means that you need to be hypervigilant in making sure that your gut remains as healthy as possible. Check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” for tips on how to do just that.
Take a probiotic. Speaking of maintaining a healthy gut, it’s going to be so much easier for you to do it if you take a probiotic. Plus, probiotics are known for producing the kind of “good bacteria” that makes it easy for your gut to release dopamine.
Try some oregano oil. A supplement that is full of antioxidants and may possibly boost dopamine in your body is oregano oil. Since it also helps to keep your gut healthy — hey, why not give it a shot?
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As you can see, there are so many factors that go into having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex life. Now that you know more about what to do for your sex-related hormones, hopefully, you can get more of what you’re looking for in your sexual experiences.
Amen? I’m saying, sis.
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