

OK, so when I sat down to write this, there were two songs that immediately came to mind — "Wanna Make Love to You All Night Long" by Lillo Thomas and "One Minute Man" by Missy Elliot (feat. Ludacris). If you're familiar with either one (preferably both), I'm sure you can get, from the title alone, why my memory was triggered by them. Because you know what? Due to my own sexual experience, the clients I work with, the random conversations that I've had and all of the reading and research that I do on the topic of sex, if there's one conclusion that I've confidently come to, it's that women don't a man who can physically have sex all night long nor do we want someone who lasts for only a couple of minutes. The ideal sex partner lands somewhere in between — and actually a lot closer to the "minute man" side than many would care to admit.
And just how much closer are we talking about? From a study that I read, you just might be surprised. Let's unpack this just a little bit further, shall we?
What’s Up with This “All Night Long” Ish?
Anyone who is a true R&B fan knows that there are literally countless songs that talk about having sex/making love all night long. Yet unless you've actually been with a partner who's attempted to make this happen, you'll never get how much something can sound great in theory and yet be annoying AF in real-time. While it might be TMI if any of you read my article "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners", you already know that I kinda get down that way, so it's whatever. That said, one of those 14 is who introduced me to the revelation that some people really can go on forever…and ever…AND EVER. He wasn't small in size (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go"), he was freaky as all get out and pretty aggressive too. While when we first started having sex, it was like a true adventure, after a few months, it was more vaginally irritating and a bit like Chinese water torture, the sex version, if I'm to be completely honest. I think it was because he was so focused on going on forever that it stopped being all that pleasurable.
Hmph. Come to find out, ole' boy had a low-key cocaine habit that I didn't know about which connected the dots for all of those things. Oh, but he wasn't the only one who was like this. Another ex of mine would pull out and wait, go back in and rinse and repeat. After about an hour, I was ready to bring things to some sort of conclusion while he was acting like he had something to prove — in his mind, the longer things took, the more memorable, in the best way possible, he would be.
Yeah, you've gotta watch those guys who may not bring drug (or heavy alcohol) influence into the bedroom but instead, they go with their ego — oftentimes, they aren't having sex with you at all; they are having sex at you so that they can tell themselves how good they were…regardless of what your opinion may be.
Does that mean that I am totally against all-night-long sex? Eh. I'm not much of a fan of the literal notion of that. Meaning, I don't think I would ever want to have sex, without stopping, for more than 60 minutes or so. Now, having sex, spooning for a catnap, going at it again, spooning for a few more hours, and going at it again — oh, I think there should be a holiday for that. But thinking that a man being able to go for a billion minutes plus tax is the sign of a good lover really needs to be left in the movies — and even those are only a couple of hours long. The bottom line here — it's not only unrealistic to want a man to go all night but, if we're really honest with ourselves, a lot of us don't like it when it comes even close to happening anyway. So, what exactly is the timeframe that brings us pleasure and joy? Good question.
How Long Do Most of Us Actually Want Sex to Be?
I write about sex quite a bit on here, so while I can't recall exactly which articles, I know I've shared, on more than a few occasions, that when it comes to how long it takes a man to climax, he can do it in five minutes while it generally takes us around 20 minutes (including foreplay). Well, according to a study that was conducted last year, the time that we need has gotten down to something very specific. Apparently, what we need in order to reach a full-on orgasm are 13.41 minutes.
OK, but that's how long it takes to "see the mountain." Based on what a different study revealed, how long do most of us actually want sex to last? 25.51 minutes (do you agree?). Here is what's interesting about that, though. Another study that was published byThe Journal of Sexual Medicinestated that there is actually an ideal time for vaginal intercourse to transpire and it's shorter than both of the times that I just stated — between 7-13 minutes. Yep, according to the journal, we all should be able to get the job done (and feel all the better for it), in less time than it takes to watch half of an Insecure episode.
Is there anything that alters this conclusion? Sure. Things like the state of two people's health, what their personal preferences are and even the current state of their connection with one another could result in sex being much shorter or longer than — rounding off here — 10 minutes long. However, the bigger point (at least to me) is this kind of data is important because the belief that good sex — or a good sex partner — is someone who has to be the Energizer Bunny — you know, going on…and on…and on — is wrapped up in fallacy. Sex doesn't have to be long in order to be good. Not by a long shot.
Remember That It Should Always Be About Quality over Quantity
And this is why I think quickies should get more respect than they oftentimes do. If sex, for us, is typically preferred when it's between 7-13 minutes long, that means that morning sex, shower sex, and pulling stuff up and down when you've got a few minutes to spare in the kitchen or car— these things shouldn't be seen as sexual consolation prizes. In fact, after reading all of what I just said, there should be more reasons to treat them as top-tier activities because what all of this intel revealed, more than anything else, it's that more women are into quality sex than how much time someone takes in the bedroom (quantity).
In fact, dare I say, that the reason why those of us who want more time push for it, it's so that "he" will get more minutes (or hours…geez) to figure out what we need to get where we want things to go (if you catch my drift). Meaning, if he hits it right, we don't need an hour; we're actually extending an hour so that he can — and will.
Again, just so we're clear, I'm all about having more than one round in a night. All of these studies and what I've shared aren't talking about that. But that on…and on…AND ON one round of sex stuff? If a man says he's doing it for us, share with him this article because, according to the sourced data, something in that buttermilk ain't clean. We'd rather have 10 minutes of really good intercourse than an hour of subpar pounding. Words to live by. Lie down on too. #wink
For more love and relationships, sex, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Swipe Right For Sisterhood: Reginae Carter Talks Teaming Up With BLK To Make Friendships Front & Center
You know the vibes: dating apps aren’t just for finding romance anymore—at least not for Gen Z! As young people continue to redefine connection, BLK, the leading dating app for Black singles, is shaking things up with the launch of Social Mode. The new feature allows users to toggle between dating and platonic connections. Yep, you read that right—friendship is now just as easy to find as love.
To kick off this game-changing launch, BLK teamed up with TV personality and socialite Reginae Carter for the ultimate Girls’ Night In, proving that sisterhood is just as important as romance. The exclusive event was a celebration of the new feature and the power of Black women coming together to uplift one another.
“Your circle is everything,” Reginae shares with a smile, and she’s not wrong. She’s all about creating spaces where we can come together, let our hair down, and vibe with like-minded women. “We deserve spaces to meet, uplift, and vibe with each other. BLK is making that happen,” she adds.
A New Era for Friendships—Social Mode Is Here!
Gen Z is all about building meaningful connections, whether it’s with a date or a new brunch buddy. That’s why Social Mode is such a big deal. Research shows that 65% of Gen Z values friendships just as much as romantic relationships. With BLK’s new feature, users can easily toggle between “Dating” and “Social,” opening up a world of platonic connections—no swiping right required.
Bahja Rodriguez, Reginae Carter, Breaunna Womack, Lourdes Rodriguez and Zonnique Pullins attend OMG Girlz "Make A Scene" Single Release & Video Viewing Party at Trap City Cafe on March 27, 2025 in Atlanta, Georgia
Photo by Prince Williams/WireImage
Reginae Carter Hosts the Ultimate Girls’ Night In—Powered by BLK Social Mode
What better way to show Social Mode in action than with an exclusive Girls’ Night In, hosted by Reginae? The event brought together top influencers, tastemakers, and press for a night of luxury, self-care, and real talk about love, sex, and relationships. From tarot readings to perfume-making and signature cocktails, the evening embodied the “soft life” vibe that many Black women are embracing in 2025—peaceful, intentional, and full of joy.
Guests mingled, laughed, and bonded over the importance of finding a tribe that supports you. It wasn’t just about fun (although there was plenty of that!)—it was about creating a circle of inspiring, strong women. “We need to stick together. We need to be each other’s village,” Reginae says, emphasizing the power of community over competition.
Sisterhood: The Real MVP
For Reginae, it’s all about friendship—and not just the surface-level kind. “We need friends who keep it real with us. The ones who can tell us when we’re right, when we’re wrong, and when we need to calm down,” she says. As someone who navigates the spotlight, she’s got the best of both worlds: friends who understand the grind and those who can give her an honest, grounded perspective.
Her advice for building strong, intentional friendships? “Be confident in yourself and know your worth,” she explains. “Also, hurt people hurt people, so make sure you’re coming from a good place when you’re building relationships. It’s not always about being nice—sometimes it’s about being real.”
Reginae couldn’t have summed it up better: “When you have the right circle, the right tribe, everything just feels easier. And that’s exactly what BLK is giving us—space to connect, laugh, and grow with each other.”
To learn more about BLK’s Social Mode, download or update the BLK app in the App Store or Google Play Store today. Who knows? You might just find your new bestie or your next brunch crew.
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Feature image by Prince Williams/WireImage