The first time Kellee Edwards fell in love with travel was in the backseat of her parent's car. Buildings faded to beach scenery on her left, and neighborhoods gave way to mountain views on her right as they drove up the 405 towards San Simeon, home of the historic landmark Hearst Castle.
"My parents weren't able to buy plane tickets and fly around the world, so they provided what they could, which was the foundation—and a very important one at that. They opened me up to having the curiosity for more."
They probably, at the time, didn't imagine that their baby girl would one day fly herself around the world as a pilot, one of few black women to do so since Bessie Coleman pioneered her way into a plane in 1921. They likely didn't expect her to become a certified scuba diver, or foresee her breaking barriers as the first African-American woman to host her own show on the Travel Channel.
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
Her list of accomplishments? Amazing.
And what she's done as a black woman in a white, male-dominated industry where black people are often counted out despite our estimated $50 billion annual contributions is nothing short of inspiring. But neither defines who she is. Instead, they speak to deeper characteristics that have enabled the adventure traveler to land on our television screens. She's a woman who is resilient and fearless, nonconforming and quite frankly, just plain badass.
I met Kellee at a small airport in Riverside in front of a private hangar owned by her mentor, also notably African-American. She's dressed in her signature outfit—green shorts, khaki tank top, jean vest, and a Ruby Red lip, full of vibrant energy that I instantly recognize from the numerous self-produced videos of her solo travels that grace the very same YouTube channel—the same videos that helped to get her in front of producers and television execs.
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
Kellee's success didn't happen overnight. In fact, it's taken seven years for her to build what's just starting to get major press. Fresh out of California State University with a broadcast journalism degree, Kellee began putting her on-camera skills to the test. She worked as an entertainment reporter, snagging red carpet and junket interviews until one day she decided that keeping abreast of the latest gossip was depleting her energy.
So after five years, she quit.
"For me, personally, I just wanted to feel fulfilled and I was like, what type of journalism would feed my soul? I love traveling and adventure, is there a such thing as a travel journalist? I really wasn't sure."
She didn't wait to find out. She created what she didn't see.
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
On weekdays, she worked in banking over New Accounts and Loans to fund her weekend travel adventures. "People have to understand that dream, you still have to keep a roof over your head. I moved out at 18 and I haven't been back to my parent's house. And so I had to work. You have to do what you have to do."
She saved her coins and jetset around the country, packing her tripod and camera to record her journeys along the way. Sometimes she did it solo, other times she bribed friends to come along and play videographer. Each visual was uploaded to her YouTube channel for the world to see.
But Kellee knew that mediocre wasn't going to cut it. If she wanted to stand out in the crowd of travel adventurists, she'd have to go hard or stay home. "One day I was like, you've got to up the ante a little bit. What's going to separate you from all of these people?"
While sitting at the Burbank airport waiting for her flight, Kellee caught a glimpse of a tiny airplane in the distance, taking off and landing amongst the larger 747s that flanked the runway.
"I found out later that's called a touch and go," she says with enthusiasm. "You literally touch your wheels on the ground and go back up and turn around, call the traffic pattern, and come back and land. I started doing research on taking flight lessons and I found out you can do something called a discovery flight, which is about $100 at any local airport. I won't lie; I got sick when I first went up. I'm used to being in normal airplanes where there's pressurization, but the views were so amazing, I was like whatever this feeling is I don't care, I'm going to figure out. And I was hooked! So I just decided to continue and get my pilot's license."
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
With a scuba diving certification already under her belt and a new shiny pilot's license to match, Kellee found the sweet spot to her brand, and the very thing that separated her from her fellow travel journalists.
"I was like okay Kellee, that's your thing: travel and adventure by land, air, and sea. That's going to be your niche. And it's freaking worked. Being an African American pilot is very few and far in between, and being a woman period in aviation is even more minimal. So I definitely started to get the attention of people, and I was like I'd love to have a show on Travel Channel; that's like a one in a million chance."
Three years in, it seemed as if her dream of landing a show on the major travel network was no longer going to be a goal she pinned on her vision board. She signed her first deal with a production company, but six months later, all went quiet.
"No one really knew what to do with me," Kellee says. "I was very unique, so people were like yeah what you're doing is really cool, but at the end of the day this is a business, we have to see how this is going to translate in other ways."
It's not hard to imagine why, despite her infectious and daring personality, that mainstream had a hard time trying to box her in.
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
"Listen, I'm a black woman and very proud of that. When you see me, you don't think I'm anything else. There's nothing about me that looks like I'm mixed with anything else. I love my chocolate skin, and I glisten and I glow, but seriously I feel like when you are one of the firsts, people are a bit selective in how they proceed. But what's funny is now they see this is working. And that's okay. I had so many no's—a yes one day and a no the next, it can mess with your mind. It was more emotionally draining—all of the ups and downs of being so close to something and then it being taken away from you. That was the test for myself because I could've easily given up."
Those moments are often where dreams become deferred, only to never actualize. The fight gets hard, damn hard. The sacrifices began to feel more like suffering, and progress can turn to pain when things don't go according to plan. For Kellee, it was yet another test—how bad did she really want it, and how hard was she willing to go?
"I was raised to believe I was special and unique, and so I'm very stubborn and I'm very persistent. You can tell me no if you want to, but I'm going to find a way. Even Travel Channel says we don't know why you're so surprised because you really had a mission to get a show with us. And it's happening.
"But for me it's like yes, I always saw that as the vision and I'm like if I keep doing what I'm doing, at some point they're not going to be able to ignore me."
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
At the time, the Kellee Set Go brand was already gaining momentum. She initially started working with tourism boards and hotel chains, who would provide accommodations in exchange for video content, which helped to build up her personal website. As her brand grew, she also connected with travel PR companies and brands, and was later able to monetize those relationships.
"You have to build your content before you get paid, and that sometimes will take years. These brands will not mess with you unless they feel like they can get a return on investment (ROI). Once you start working with one brand, you can take it to the next one and then you go from there."
The brand has enabled Kellee to negotiate on her own terms when partnering with bigger companies—the connections with brands that took years to build relationships with are here to stay, she's not diluting her fast-talking, quirky personality, and she's going to rock her bright lipstick and short-cropped hair both on land and under water, thank you very much. And if those deal breakers can't be negotiated, she always has the brand that she built to fall back on.
"I could have a Travel Channel show today and nothing tomorrow, but I'll always have Kellee Set Go, and I make sure that it will always be mine, and never be owned by anyone else."
Courtesy of Kelle Edwards
The recent airing of Mysterious Islands has positioned Kellee at the center of a much-needed conversation on the importance of representation on the predominately white network, and in the travel sector as a whole.
"I have been told that they have never seen new talent with a new show get so much press in the history of the Travel Channel," Kellee confesses. "I know the conversation is changing. And I've been able to kind of like lock in a full sector of being an adventure traveler who's a woman and who's black, and so I made that my niche. And I want people to come up behind me and do the same thing and do it better. I'm not over here just trying to keep everything for myself. I think there's room for all of us. I hope I'm not the last black face that you see with a television show on Travel Channel. I hope that there are many more to come."
We hope so, too. And more importantly, we hope that the change doesn't stop with television. Because that same brown girl who was hard to sell because of her image, who fearlessly fought for a seat at the table, deserves to one day be beautifully packaged as a collectible for many more little brown girls to see that yeah, anything is possible.
Learn more about Kelle Edwards' career journey in the series Dope Chicks, Dope Jobs below.
Catch Kellee as the host of Mysterious Islandson Travel Channel. Follow her journey on Instagram @kelleesetgo.
Originally published on January 18, 2018
- Kellee Set Go! Travel & Adventure by Land, Air and Sea ›
- Kellee Edwards (@kelleesetgo) • Instagram photos and videos ›
- Get to Know Mysterious Islands' Kellee Edwards | Mysterious Islands ... ›
- Meet the Second Black Woman In History To Have Her Own Show ... ›
- Kellee Edwards talks Mysterious Islands - YouTube ›
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy