At 13 years old, DJ OHSO was told that girls don't DJ.
They cook, they clean, they get respectable degrees as a doctor or lawyer, but they don't stay out late at night rocking parties until the sun comes up. After all, the only things open after midnight are legs and liquor stores. They don't rock gold bottoms, get decorated in tattoos and use vulgar language, for that's not lady-like. And most certainly, they don't vocalize their disapproval with society's attempt to confine and silence women, for no man wants a woman whose opinions are as strong as the bodies that birthed them.
Thankfully, DJ OHSO has never been one to be conventional or follow the rules.
Courtesy of DJ OHSO
I met with OHSO on a warm day in Atlanta, where spring temperatures escalate to a comfortable 79 degrees on a Sunday afternoon. The sound of rapid drum beats and synthesizers permeate the air. The hypnotizing soca riddim draws girls in short shorts and barely-there tops and guys with flag bandanas boasting their native islands tied around their necks and heads. Unbeknownst to me today is Soca de Mayo—a block party event hosted by The Rum Punch Brunch in celebration of the Caribbean culture in Atlanta.
Ear pressed to my phone, I guide OHSO through the crowded sidewalks from the safety of the normally quiet coffee shop, and instantly spot her as she breaks rank, marching to the beat of her own drum. Her purple Toronto Raptors jersey and signature bright-colored nails—today a neon yellow—contrast the stark white of the space that we're meeting for our interview.
"It's crazy out there! I had to park a few blocks away," she says once she walks in the door. She's not complaining though, it's the same energy that she strives to have at her own party Bounce Dat—a monthly event where women can feel free to shake their ass while sipping on signature cocktails like "Free JT" and "Thee Stallion."
"It wasn't meant to be an all girls party. It was always just meant to be a party that favors women and the music is our anthems," she says.
"You're not going to hear all the 'Lils', we're playing soca and dancehall, Afrobeats and Hip-Hop and R&B."
When she expresses her surprise at the amount of guys who showed up for the latest Thursday night soiree, I share her sentiment and tell her that based on the advertisements I assumed it was a Girls Only event. "And I'm okay with people seeing it as that and guys opting not to go because they think that," she says with a grin. "A lot of these guys aren't going to connect to the music, and I don't want you just standing around."
If it seems as if OHSO is taking sides between the battle of the sexes, you'd be absolutely correct, and rightfully so. Growing up, OHSO was sold the story that girls didn't get behind the turntables and rock crowds, so she considered pursuing real estate investment instead. In an effort to build up her credit in hopes of purchasing property to rent out to students, she took out multiple credit cards, only to rack up debt in lieu of a high credit score. "Irresponsible me was just racking up shit and buying stuff, and then I ended up owing all this money and I'm like fuck, I gotta pay all of this shit back."
At the time OHSO didn't have plans to attend college, so instead she held a series of 9 to 5s over the next few years while she paid off her debt, achieving her goal of financial freedom at the age of 25. "It was the biggest weight off of my shoulders. That's when I was like yo, I can just do anything I want right now!"
With the burden of debt in her rear-view mirror, she realized that she no longer had a specific goal to work towards. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life, and the idea of stacking up student loans for a degree she'd possibly never use also didn't appeal to her, so she continued working her call center job until one day she connected with a co-worker who was moonlighting as a DJ.
Remembering her childhood dream that was sparked at a Talib Kweli concert, she expressed an interest in learning the craft, but wasn't sure if it was possible for a woman to get behind the mic.
Courtesy of DJ OHSO
After her co-worker ran down a list of her musical predecessors including DJs Beverly Bond, Lazy K and Jazzy Joyce, what once felt like an impossibility became a possible reality. "I went by his house and he showed me how to mix and understand counting beats and BPMs. He was like just go with what feels good. He left me and I was in there for like three or four hours, but it felt like 20 minutes. I was in there having a blast."
These days it's not uncommon to see women DJs repping OHSO's hometown of Toronto (queue DJ Lissa Monét). On any given night, you can spot a woman scratching records, and a number of all-female DJ collectives are sprouting up around the city. But while there's slow progress towards having representation of women in the industry, it was only six years ago when OHSO went through the struggle of getting some respect on her name. After six months of practicing her craft, she felt ready to hit the party scene and test out her new skills. Her peers in the industry, unfortunately, didn't feel the same.
"I had friends who were promoters and I was like maybe they'll put me on some gigs, but they all played me a little bit. They were like umm yeah nah. You have to pay your dues. You have to DJ for like three years before you start making money, and I'm like three years? I'll be 28 and just starting to make money? Fuck no."
There are two reactions that can occur whenever a person tells you no. One, the corners of your mouth turn down and the light in your eyes extinguishes. You slump your shoulders and hang your head low, turning around to walk away in defeat. Or two, you throw a middle finger to the doubters and prove them wrong. Despite the no's and rejections, OHSO chose to embrace the latter response and continued pushing towards her dream anyway.
With little support from family and friends and limited room for growth in her hometown, OHSO felt it was time to go. After listening to motivational interviews from Will Smith, she knew that her dream lived on the other side of her fears, and that having a Plan B wasn't an option. So she told her parents that she was going on a vacation and booked a one-way flight to Miami.
Courtesy of DJ OHSO
"I was just like I need to do this. It didn't matter what anybody said, I felt in my heart that this is what I want to do. I am good at it and I'm going to get better at it, and I'm going to make a name for myself."
In Miami, OHSO rented a room and hit the ground running. After two weeks of frequenting the clubs on South Beach and talking to promoters and club owners, she landed her first gig at a hole-in-the wall dive bar for their popular party Classic Sundays at a coveted early morning time slot. But there was one problem—she had never actually DJ'd a party before. "I'm like you want me to play in front of people? Today? I didn't even know what to do. I'm like, 'Fuck it, God would not take me this far to not be in this room'."
OHSO's first confirmation that taking a risk was worth the reward came from the very person who inspired her to pick up and move. "[The club owner]'s like, 'Oh yeah, by the way, Will Smith is here. Just don't be nervous or anything'. I'm looking at him like, do you even understand that I'm only here because of him? And I'm thinking to myself, wow. This is a direct message from God telling me this is what you're supposed to be doing. Any doubts that you've ever had, just get rid of them because I'm telling you right now this is confirmation."
DJ OHSO pictured with her real-life confirmation, Will Smith
Courtesy of DJ OHSO/Instagram
After successfully rocking the party and getting Will to go to town to "Motown Philly" and her New Jack Swing set, the opportunities for OHSO started pouring in. Athletes and celebrities requested her to DJ at their brunches and parties, and she began building her buzz and her brand. But after two years in Miami, OHSO was once again pushed out of her comfort zone, requiring a move that would bring her to Atlanta where once again she'd have to network and build up her name.
Within three weeks of her transition, OHSO landed a job at Atlanta's Scratch DJ Academy as an instructor. The new position would not only expand her brand, but also help her become a better businesswoman. She began releasing mixes on SoundCloud, which landed her out-of-town gigs, radio play in London and Paris, and on tour as the official DJ for Oakland rapper Kamaiyah.
"I learned so much from my peers just paying attention and asking questions whenever they weren't too busy. I got to learn about marketing and producing events. I started to demand a certain rate. They helped me to know what's fair because no one has conversations about [money]; no one knows what they should be asking for. It was frustrating because people would be like this seems fair because this is a little bit more than what you'd get at a job, but I'm spending as many hours as someone who's in an office."
Learning how to demand her worth is one thing that she openly shares with those coming in the game behind her. "Someone gave me a quote once and it stuck with me: 'If you play for free today, who's going to pay to see you play tomorrow?' That was enough for me to be like, 'You're right.'"
Today, OHSO's gigs take her all around the country where she's DJing and hosting parties, including xoNecole's recent Pajamas & Lipstick event. With so much time on the road, it's important for her to have a healthy routine just as much as it is to build her brand. Wake up, avoid social media for the first hour, drink a glass of water, light a candle, and pray and meditate are just a few habits that she's developed to center herself before beginning the day as her own boss.
DJ OHSO at Afropunk Atlanta '17
Courtesy of DJ OHSO
"God gave me a job that I couldn't call in sick to. Every single time I feel overwhelmed or like I don't want to do this or I'm too nervous, I can't. It's just too much riding on it."
As if that's not enough, OHSO also stays committed to putting other women in the position to win. She's in the process of building an all-women creative agency to put together projects for big brands, and is looking to start a nonprofit for young girls, introducing them to different industries where women aren't the norm.
"There's a large group of people that think that there are certain jobs that are only meant for men, and I really want to go into these communities and show them that it's possible because that's one thing that I was lacking at 13," says OHSO. "I didn't have the resources to know that it was possible, so now I can pass the baton to a girl who doesn't even know what she's interested in but can see somebody who does it right now and she can ask questions. If it's a photographer, put a camera in their hand. I think that would change the game."
One thing's for sure, the 31-year-old is determined to leave her mark and isn't going to let anybody get in her way. "It's the same thing as when white people are threatened by people of color being smarter or being faster, you always want to keep people right here because you know that they can fucking rule the world. I just want to show everybody that they have power, especially young girls."
If well-behaved women rarely make history, OHSO is definitely on the path to having her name written in the books.
For more of DJ OHSO, follow her on Instagram. And check out where to see her spin next by visiting her website.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy